| abstract
| - Keith Lipinski is a former internet radio host from Chicago, IL. He received a doctorate in basic thuganomics from Robert Sandifer University in 1999 and used the power of street knowledge to host two groovy pro wrestling audio shows Puroresu Power Hour with Japanophile MMA writer Zach Arnold and The Dr. Keith Show with various people until they quit because he took 9 months to put together a new show. He is known as Chicago's fifth favorite son next to Hawk, Animal, Lex Luger and Derrion Albert. But in 2007 he rose above the "Please Stop Raping My Wife" protester after ignoring his demands and raping his wife for the irony the Windy City loves. Lipinski joined THE EMPIRE~! in 2007 after he grew tired of hearing Zach Arnold talking about Minowaman needing to grow his J-Mullet back so he can be a good fighter again and came aboard to F4W, unfortunately bringing Mike Sempervive, the most dull man in the history of speaking into microphones and Bill Barlo, his homoerotic man servant. Barlo left the country to move to China after being inspired by Ashley Massaro's plights in the communist jungles on her season of Survivor. Sempervive quit after protesting that not enough long, drawn out talk about hockey that makes time feel like it is standing still was being allowed on the program. The Dr. Keith Show was in turmoil~! Lipinski tossed up a bunch of old ass shit for weeks until he was able to recruit The Board member Alan4L, a drunken mick who spends far too much time posting about Japanese pro wrestling that nobody gives a fuck about anymore because it isn't 1996 and Rob Naylor, a twink ring rat from Philadelphia who talks like he's constantly on crystal meth binges even though he's surprisingly sXe. Fortunately, Dr. Keith's awesomeness was able to carry the show. They continued talking about indy workers nobody cares about as Keith dropped early 90s pop culture references to dorks who read X-Entertainment and somehow the show survived. But all was not well. Keith knocked up his wife when he forgot to pull out one night and now had to care for a baby. He went to Bossman Bryan to ask for a cutback in his schedule, because somehow finding 90 minutes a week was incredibly straining to his baby's well being. Alvarez told him "Why don't you hire a nanny?" and informed him he was adding a new show on Thursdays he wanted Keith to write. Lipinski called Ted Turner to inform him he was working without a contract and could jump ship at the beginning of the week. Turner informed him he doesn't have anything to do with professional wrestling anymore so he doesn't give a shit, adding that he doesn't really do much of anything these days but watch old Jane Fonda aerobics VHS tapes and sobbingly masturbate to memories of old. So Dr. Keith just quit the show but occasionally makes guest appearances on the show he left to remind us how much Alan and Rob suck balls. But the other show hosts rejoiced upon his exit because they all hated the good Doctor for offering up the only entertaining audio show in the site's history. Fortunately for Lipinski, he doesn't need the money to slum it on F4W. He was paid $10 million for a shoot interview with New Jack in 2007. Not because the DVD was a huge seller, because like 8 people bought it since everybody had already downloaded New Jack's 150 other shoot interviews, but because of an insurance settlement with Big Vision. This was due to a deleted scene where New Jack sliced off his ears with a spork after taking offense to a question about if it was really him in the grainy security camera video shown on Unsolved Mysteries cutting Junkyard Dog's brakes the night he was killed in a fatal car crash. Fortunately his ears were so goddamn big they were able to be sewn back on without anybody really noticing and the interview continued again 3 hours later.
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