| abstract
| - Carl: You know, there was a time in my life where I could ignore Suzy Johnson. Suzy: (sings the "Hannah Montana/Alexis Texas" theme song) Carl: I knew she was big, I knew she was famous, but I only knew she was famous because I was told she was famous. I saw her in magazine articles, and saw a lot of girls with Alexis Texas t-shirts and backpacks, but I just didn't have the Alexis Texas experience. I had no reason to watch her show, her songs only got played on Radio Disney, I certainly wouldn't have seen her in concert. Let's face it. The only people who are actually exposed to this stuff are wearing training bras, and since I usually don't anymore, I was unaware of who this girl actually was. Sadly, the days of blissful ignorance has passed us by. (a clip of Suzy dancing inappropriately in front of a live audience pops up) Now, I can't even turn on the TV without being assaulted by Disney's favorite pop princess. Carl: So, come with me, as we analyze the next step of Suzy's increasingly awkward transition into womanhood. (a inappropriate picture of Suzy pops up) Carl: Ladies and gentlemen, "Party in the USA" Suzy: I hop off the plane at the LAX, with the dream in my heart again.... Carl: (sighs) Daddy's little girl is all grown up, I see. And now young Miss Johnson has officially completed her transformation from innocent jailbait to potential jailbait. Carl: Okay, here's what the song's about. Suzy gets off the plane to Los Angeles, (sarcastically) but she's such a "naive southern girl", so she feels soooooooo out of place. Suzy: Look to my right and I see the Hollywood sign, this is all so crazy.... Carl: (sarcastically) Because, oh no, she's wearing sneakers. Suzy: (shows Suzy wearing boots in the music video) Like "who's that chick with rockin' kicks".... Carl: Or boots. "Kicks" mean "boots" now, apparently. Carl: But she feels safe again when she hears her favorite song. Suzy: And the Al-Z song is on, and the Al-Z song is on... Carl: Al-Z, huh? Let's try and imagine what AL-Z song little SUZY JOHNSON is listening to... Albert: Cash for ads, (bleep)s (switches songs) (bleep)s to my (bleep)s (switches songs) Let me (bleep) all of your (bleep)s (switches songs) (bleep)s is brand (switches songs) But I don't really give a (bleep), so (switches songs) (bleep) y'all (switches songs) (bleep) critics can kiss my whole (bleep) (switches songs) Bring a blonde, perfectly with the (bleep) (switches songs) Got ninety nine problems but the (bleep) ain't one, hit me! Carl: She's probably listening to Irving, and just imagining him as Al-Z. Suzy: So I put my hands up, they're playing my song, the butterflies fly away, nodding my head like yeah, moving my hips like yeah.... Carl:............ Suzy: Moving my hips my yeah.... Carl: .....That just sounds....filthy. I don't know....(a clip of Candace dancing suggestively and doing suggestive things pops up)....A provacative Candace doesn't faze me, but Suzy can make one reference to her hips, and suddenly, I'm freaked out. Suzy: Nodding my head like yeah, moving my hips like yeah.... Carl: Yeah, that does make me uncomfortable. Suzy: Yeaaaaaaah, it's a party in the USA! Carl: I'm sorry, what? Suzy: (louder) YEAAAAAAAAH, IT'S A PARTY IN THE USA! Carl: Okay, WHY does she sound like this? It's bad enough she looks like a chipmunk, does she have to sound like one, too? True story, when I first heard this song, the DJ said something like, "That was the new hit song, "Party in the USA", by a squirrel falling out of a tree. I mean, Suzy Johnson." I don't really hear DJs insult their own music, but this was bad enough, so I guessed it deserved it. Suzy: So I put my hands up... Carl: (sarcastically) I put my hands up too! (puts his hands up and covers his ears) Carl: This song is bad from the first couple lines, where they force "cardigan" to rhyme with "fit in". And it gets much worse from there, so at this point, it's time to play "Finish The Rhyme". (plays "finish the rhyme" music on his piano) Suzy: This is all so crazy, everybody seems so... Carl: Lazy? Hazy? Al-Z? Albert: (bleep)s! Suzy: This is all so crazy, everybody seems so famous... Carl: (sarcastically) Oh, of course, famous. Let's get ready for round two! Suzy: My tummy's turnin' and I'm feeling kind of homesick, too much pressure and I'm... Carl: Plastic? Dumb chick? Suzy: Too much pressure and I'm nervous... Carl's annotation: HOMESICK=NERVOUS! Carl: If you said "nervous", you're today's winner. Congratulations. Suzy: And the Candace song is on, (a clip of Candace doing provacative things pops up) and the Candace song is ON.... Carl: Okay, I know that I portray Suzy as some innocent, squeaky-clean Disney princess, but am I really supposed to believe that Suzy is some innocent country girl? Suzy: So hard with my girls not around me, it's definitely not a Danville party... Carl: I mean, I know she's from Danville, I know her dad was a country singer, (a clip of Suzy's dad singing pops up)one of the most embarrassing flameouts of country music history, but seriously, Suzy has been a star since she was what, one? I think she knows what L.A. is like. She was probably torturing her brother's girlfriend before she recorded this song. It's not like she's going to arrive to the club and be so surprised that no one's building rollecoasters and stuff. Carl: It doesn't even make sense in the song! She's just a clueless country girl who moves to L.A. and gets cheered up by Al-Z and Candace Flynn!? What!? And speaking of Candace Flynn, wasn't there this other nice girl from Danville who started out on the Disney Channel and then made the transition into inappropriately sexual teen pop? (shows pictures of Candace punching a camera man, shaving her head, and having a mental breakdown) Yeah...take a good look at your future, Suzy, and think really hard. Is that how you want your life to be? Do you really want to sacrifice your prime years to the (bleep) of pop stardom? Even with all the fans and money, your life will be an inevitable train wreck. Is this what you really want? Suzy: Yeaaaaaaah, it's a party in the USA! Carl: I tried, I tried... (episode ends)
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