| abstract
| - We fade in on Oancitizen in his nook, reading aloud from Charlotte's Web. Oancitizen: "There, in the center of the web, neatly woven in block letters was a message. It said, 'SOME PIG'." [he lowers the book and sees us, then forcefully chuckles] Welcome to Brows Held High. [inhales deeply] You know, a big part of why I do this show is to illustrate the kind of creative freedom that most artists simply... won't allow themselves. I firmly believe that art can challenge, can... shatter taboos and misconceptions, and, in doing so, redefine cultural boundaries. Kyle (v/o): [fade in on a slow zoom-in of the director; all the while, the "End Theme" from Babe plays in the background] Such is the case with this often-maligned 1974 film by Belgian filmmaker Thierry Zeno. [dissolve to a zoom-in of our star holding a piglet in the movie] In a tour-de-force one-man show by Dominique Garny, who also wrote the film, [cut to a scene where Garney releases a bird into the sky from the upper level of a house] audiences are challenged with a barrage of tough questions about humanity and its relation to nature. [cut to Garny wandering around his yard] While it never held a theatrical release, it did have a limited festival run, building its notoriety and essentially banning it in Australia. Its controversial subject and explicit execution has made it one of the rarest films that isn't a "lost film"... [dissolve to a zoom-in of the DVD cover] until 2009, when the German distributor Camera Obscura and the Swedish company Njuta Films released Region 2 copies of the movie, [dissolve to the Amazon page of said DVD] which I was lucky enough to get over Amazon. This film is the infamous [slow scan of the title] Vase de Noces. In the English-speaking world, it's been retitled [the caption dissolves in:] Wedding Trough. But it's much better known under its informal title: [cut to caption reading in large letters: THE PIG #%&!ING MOVIE, as Kyle screams...] THE PIG-FUCKING MOVIE!!! Kyle: [visibly frustrated, he throws his book away] Know what? Fuck this... FUCKING NOISE! FUCK IT ALL! JUS- [stammers a bit and tries to collect himself] I'm burning this down. I'm just- I'm burning this down! I'm burning it all down! Let's just start the film, so I can start the burning! Kyle (v/o): [the credits begin as Kyle continues ranting] Even just starting with the credits, knowing this movie is about pig-fucking is painful. I mean...look at these people! Look at all the shit stains who can be blamed for this movie! Yeah- Fuck you! Fuck you!! Fuck you, too! Fuck you! Fuck you and the pig you fucked in on! Kyle: Well...admittedly, it's not much. It's not like people were lining up to do this movie. [realizing the double entendre he just said] I hope. Kyle (v/o): So... Dominique Garny has a farm. Kyle: [deadpan] E-I-E-I-O. Kyle (v/o): [shot of the pig eating feed off the floor] And on this farm, he has a pig. Kyle: E-I... Yeah, it's not funny anymore. I'll stop. Kyle (v/o): [Garny kneels in front of a coop] And immediately, we get a big heaping helping of cruelty and abuse... [cut to Garny holding a bird with its head ripped off, apparently. Nice] of birds. Puts a doll's head on a damn bird. Kyle: [quickly speaking] This, of course, symbolizes the fact that the director wanted this to be symbolic. Fuck this. I'm not reading into this. Kyle (v/o): [we see shots of various birds on the grounds] Birds here. Birds... birding around, having bird sex. Just spending their time being "the other white meat." [quickly, a caption is thrown on-screen: ANIMAL CRUELTY / NOT SHOWING THAT] And one gets its head cut off. Kyle: Bird... head... motif... there... maybe. I don't care. Moving on. Kyle (v/o): [cut to Garny throwing feed out for the pig] So, they're on a farm... and the guy and the pig do farm stuff. [cut to Garny taking a bath outside in a tub] And guy stuff. [shot of the pig urinating, obscured by a Nintendo Wii controller.] And pig stuff. [shot of ducks standing] The ducks have no comment. Kyle: Ducks... there. Don't care; superfluous. It's like a Greek chorus that only quacks. [cut to a blindfolded Garny walking, trying to catch the pig] But... you probably want to hear about the pig-fucking in The Pig-Fucking Movie. [cut back to Oan] So you're probably thinking, "For fuckin' real, is there fuckin' pig-fuckin' in The Pig-Fucking Movie?" YES, there's fuckin' pig-fuckin' in The Pig-Fucking Movie!! [sure enough, we cut to the scene where... that happens. Thankfully, Oan has blocked it with the DVD cover of Gordy. In the background plays Tag Team's "Pig Power In The House" from Gordy. For real] Look at all the fuckin' pig-fucking!! Aw, yeah! Aw, yeah, do it! [back to Kyle] Aw, man! Oh! Sooey! Oh, sooey! [quick cut of that scene again] Hey, everybody, let's all pork the pork! Kyle (v/o): [as we see Garny chase the pig around the farm... naked except for socks and shoes, hence the head of an ass - or donkey - superimposed over said body part. We also hear "classical"-style music from a choir being sung throughout this next bit] Pig fucking! Every other thing in this movie is overshadowed by pig-fucking! Everything! It's the hellish light that illuminates every other aspect of the film! Everything else is pig-fuck-tinted! [back to a clothed Garny and pig in the garden] And it doesn't matter how much classical music gets played! Kyle: [singing to the tune of Here We Come A-Wassailing] Here we come a-pig-fucking among the leaves so green... Kyle (v/o): [as Garny flies a kite] Because that's the most interesting he does! It's more interesting than his other hobbies. [close-up of the pig digging in the dirt] When he's not tenderly fondling the pig's supple teats, [shot of him doing this:] he's collecting... I dunno, leaves? In glass jars? I don't know. Nothing he's doing is shocking me. Given his primary pursuit, [Garny walks the grounds] you could show clips of him collecting other people's toenail clippings; and I wouldn't be fazed. [at this point, weird synthesizer music enters] But he... g... [Oan is not a fan of this] Kyle: [disgusted by the music, which sounds like... well, read on] This soundtrack... Kyle (v/o): [singing to the Reading Rainbow theme, while Garny goes into his collection of jars] Butterfly in the sky / I can go twice as high / Take a look / It's in a book / Pig-Fucking Movie... Kyle: So... what's wrong with this guy? Doesn't he know he shouldn't play Hide The Sausage with the animal that sausage comes from? [cut to a shot of Garny playing with a big wheel and stick] Isn't there some nice human who will tolerate him? Well, the best I can tell, there are no other people. Most people who've seen this movie... [cut to Oan] scream for an hour or twelve and then guess... [shot of an open field, followed by the abandoned building where Garny lives] that this takes place after the apocalypse. So, A, there are no other people to bang; and, B, [cut to Garny caring for his pig] there are no other people to judge him if he doesn't bang humans. [back to Oan] So it's like a really freaky version of A Boy and His Dog. [pauses] Well, an alternate title is "A Man and His Pig." So maybe it is sci-fi. [chortles as he visualizes...] Mad Max: Beyond Pig-Fuckerdome. Kyle (v/o): [back to Garny cuddling with the pig] And the saddest thing is... they kinda make a really cute couple. "Hey, honey. Sleep well? Good. Oh, no, no, don't get up; I'll make breakfast, darling." You know, to say nothing of their more, uh, [cut to Garny sitting on the floor of the chickens' room as some very weird and more annoying synthesizer music starts to play] intimate moments. And then, the... [the music is too much as Kyle mutters] oh, God... Kyle: [rubbing his temple] This soundtrack... It's like I'm watching this with the aliens from Sesame Street. Aliens: Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip; uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, pig-fucking, pig-fucking, pig-fucking... [etc.] Kyle: And the worst thing about this? It's dull. Kyle(v/o): [the sex scene plays again] Once the man starts tenderizing, [cut to a scene from the original The Producers where an audience is just staring with mouths agape] and after you pick up your jaw from the floor, [cut to a montage of short scenes, ending with Garny defecating in an outdoor toilet. Wow] it's so, so damn dull. Most of this is just the guy going through his dull hobbies, the birds doing dull bird things, and... well, shock value? Kyle: Here's the thing: this movie might not be all that shocking. I mean, yes, it's shocking in its explicitness... but not in its content. We, as a culture, have become so desensitized that sex with animals has become... funny. To prove Kyle's point... First, the scene from Clerks 2 where "the donkey show" happens: Becky: What the fuck is going on here? Dante: Inter-species erotica. Ryan: Before you come, Tarzan only have animals. John: Oh, that's gorgeous. Gwen: That's a poodle. John: [lustfully] That's nice! Ryan: I mean, as friends! Colin (off-screen): I know! Bad Horse Chorus: [singing] Make the Bad Horse gleeful / Or he'll make you his mare... Anastos [off-screen]: Keep fucking that chicken. Louis C.K.: ....get AIDS and then fuck a deer and then kill it with my AIDS. And finally, from South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut... Phillip: Why would you call me a pig-fucker? Terrance: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs! Phillip: Oh, yeah! Kyle: We, as the bourgeois class that Thierry Zeno is trying to offend, has grasped the concept... and mocked it. And so, if he's trying to shock me, he needs to do a lot better. And no sooner than that thought entered my head, viewing this film for the first time, that he actually, genuinely shocked me. Kyle (v/o): [as we see the pig giving birth] Biology be damned, the sow has piglets. Kyle: Mazel tov! [pauses to reflect a bit] Is it kosher to say "mazel tov" to a pig? Is it kosher to even think about being kosher in this context? [we cut to Garny holding up one of the newborns; back to Oan] And we'll... ponder that after the break. Kyle: So, we all good and upsold? Good! Back to bacon. Kyle (v/o): [we see Garny carry around a few of his "children"] This might shock you, but they didn't have the funds to make convincing Twilight Zone-style half-human pig children. So they just used regular piglets. But, hey you know what? [cut to the piglets coming out of their cage] This is the best part of the movie. Kyle: Even if it does no more than appeal to the same part of my brain that likes LOLcats. [cut to Garny caring for the piglets, wrapped in blankets, as Oan continues in a high-pitch, cutesy-wutesy voice] Ooh! Look at the little piggies! Look at their cute- Look at their little snouts and their little curly tails! [back to Oan] Awwwwwww.... Kyle (v/o): [as we see Garny at a huge dinner table, trying to get the piggies to eat out of their own 'people' bowls] And he even has a little dinner party with them and... [cute voice again] Awww, it's so cute! They have little dinner plates and- oh, they don't eat like people! Silly man for getting the piggies to eat like peoples! Silly piggies for not trying to eat like peoples! Kyle: Awwwww, yeah. They die. [his mood is obviously sullen as he pauses frequently between sentences here] They die because he kills them. He hangs them. With little pig-sized nooses. In a row, like criminals sent to the gallows. I'm not going to show that. And yet, for some reason, this movie is not called The Pig-Lynching Movie. Kyle (v/o): [as the mother pig constantly squeals, running around] Even more disturbing is the scene where the mother pig finds the piglets, squeals horribly, and drowns herself. Kyle: Okay, "pig drowning herself"... - let's... make that watchable. Cut to the Esther Williams-style scene from The Great Muppet Caper, where Miss Piggy swims. Man: [singing] Can it be, Miss Piggy? / Ecstacy, Miss Piggy? / All that's fair or fine or wonderful or anything, Miss Piggy? Kyle: Fixed! Kyle (v/o): He buries the pig and, what I think is an act of solidarity and remorse, buries himself next to her. That's rather solemn. [Garny starts to cover himself with soil; cut to a close-up of some worms in the dirt] Hey, look, an animal that hasn't been abused yet. Kyle: Okay, okay, um... cutting the snark. I'll, at least, try to understand this film on its own terms. The theme... if it can be said to have one... is the line between animals and humanity. Kyle (v/o): [cut to Garny ringing a bell as his pig wanders aimlessly] The man in the movie continues to blur that line. He constantly treats the animals he lives with in human capacity... by doing stuff like... [cut to scenes of...] putting the dolls' heads on birds. And... trying to get his piglets to eat off plates. ...And... Kyle: [deep in thought] ...I'll think of a third thing. Give me a minute. Kyle (v/o): [back to the burial] So, once the most human-like animal in his pen has died, he now feels a true loneliness. [cut to the chickens] It is rather hard to fuck a chicken, after all. [cut to the:] Ducks... Kyle: Well, "fuck a duck" is too fun of a phrase not to use, so... he can't fuck a duck. [we cut to a naked and dirty Garny wandering the grounds. Frontal view is obscured by a picture of a rooster; rear view obscured by the donkey head] So... what does he do with his spare time? Does he write a song about the paradox of the human animal? Campaign against speciesism? Mow the lawn? Read a book about pigs? Do yoga? Do the dishes? Sit on his ass for hours, pondering what he's done with his life so far? [back to Oan] Do literally anything other than what he does next?! [quick shot of Garny in his outdoor toilet] 'Caaaaaauuuuuussssseeee.... [with arms outstretched] POOP TEA! [the theme from 2 Girls 1 Cup plays in the background as we see the unthinkable] He boils his feces into a liquid and... TEA! It's like a whole act! It's a sequence! It's a montage of him preparing his feces in different ways! Behold the closest I will ever get to reviewing Salo! (long pause) MAAAANNNNNGGGAAAAA!!!! [we cut to Garny playing with his poop; thankfully, a cutout of Winnie The Pooh is blocking this] It's funny because it's poop! Kyle (v/o): [breathes in] And then, he hangs himself. [yes, he does; cut to a wide open shot where we see Garny's "body" floating. A red circle shows us where it is on-screen. It does not look very realistic] And... he floats up to heaven. Oh, look at that shot. Oh, the beauty. Oh, the joy. Porky Pig: Th-th-th-th-th-th-THAT'S ALL, FOLKS! Kyle: [he's had enough] WHYYYYYY?!?!?! [brief scenes of Garny doing... who knows] This...?! Fucking this?! You requested this!! People have requested this to me! People have wanted me to see this! People have wanted me to see this movie about some guy th- [normal] what was this deal supposed to be anyways? Kyle (v/o): [as we see a scan of some online notes about the movie, this paraphrased sentence in highlighted:] The director identifies him in the documentary as an autistic... Kyle: [at his laptop; he's not buying this description] Oh, for fuck's sake!! Kyle (v/o): [as the bell-ringing scene replays] This is a movie in which some idiot and his idiot friend pointlessly fuck an animal and kill its offspring! And why?! Kyle: [seething with anger] I'm pretty sure this movie did that... just to piss you off. This is a movie that hates you. Kyle (v/o): [we slowly zoom in on another DVD cover during this rant] It's not just that it's bad. It's not just that the editing is shoddy and the cinematography is horrid. It's not just that the story is weak and the central performance is vague. It's not just bad; it's sadistically evil. Kyle: I mean, yeah! Get mad! This is a movie worth getting mad over! Burn things if you must! I mean... [puts his hand over his face] why?! This was made! People devoted time and effort to make this! They rented pigs that they could fuck and kill! Why was this movie made? What possible purpose could this movie- Cinema Snob [on his couch at home]: How dare you review The Pig-Fucking Movie? I was gonna review The Pig-Fucking Movie! Kyle: The Cinema Snob of thecinemasnob.com?! CS: I will not have some child pretender take first glance at a film that is rightfully mine. Phelous [in his hallway at home]: Yeah, how DARE you review The Pig-Fucking Movie before either of us could? Kyle: Phelous of phelous.com? Phelous: [happy face] Sure am, Ralph, and, [angry face] man, are you in trouble! CS: We've been planning a crossover review on The Pig-Fucking Movie for months now. Kyle: Oh, cool! I'd love to see your take on it. CS: Damn it, we can't do it now that you've done it! You've stolen reviewer dibs from us! Kyle: "Reviewer dibs"? Phelous: The unspoken law... of reviewing. CS: The reviewer that first reviews a bad movie passes reviewer dibs. After that, any other review on said bad movie is automatically considered inferior because of the review with reviewer dibs. Kyle: Oh, yeah, like how people panned and loathed Obscurus Lupa's riffing of Birdemic after watching your [Phelous'] riffing of Birdemic. Phelous: [mock anger] Don't you talk about my girlfriend, Ralph! CS: Don't mock the law, Mini-Me. This isn't based on superstition; this is based on hard economics. Kyle: Economics? CS: [reading from his laptop] I got it right here. It's not hard to see that, once a service is provided for a particular product, any further services on the same product will ultimately devalue that product; and the market will start to become saturated. Phelous: In layman's terms, your review of the The Pig-Fucking Movie cheapens our review of the The Pig-Fucking Movie! Kyle: You can still do an episode on it. Phelous: Oh, and let this slippery slope continue? And after we do an episode, Diamanda Hagan's gonna wanna talk about The Pig-Fucking Movie. And then Welshy... CS: And The Blockbuster Buster and who knows what other backwater critic is gonna review it? The market will be flooded with clips of pig-fucking! Phelous: And now that you've gone and reviewed it, we both have to go back to square one and do a cost-benefit analysis of any future productions surrounding this pig-fucking product. Kyle: ...This "product". CS: You're underestimating the value of this product. This is premium-grade bad-movie material. The hatred and the mockability [quick cut of Oan trying to understand this] that can be mined from this can yield who knows what kind of metric tonnage. Phelous: The bad movie is a valuable natural resource. And when we hit a motherlode like this, the yields from it have to be conserved. CS: We all know that we're working with limited resources, and who knows? In a few years, we could easily hit "peak bad movie". [cut to Kyle, who begins to realize something] And none of us are gonna be prepared for that. Kyle: Wait, wait, wait. We're fighting over this. Kyle: We're fighting... over The Pig-Fucking Movie. Kyle: ...The Pig-Fucking Movie. CS: [still doesn't get it yet] Yeah? Kyle: This is what we fight over. This is the kind of thing we build our livelihoods on. Phelous: [starting to realize what's happening] Yeah... Kyle: This is our currency... our bargaining chips. Bribes are made with this. Threats are made with this. Phelous: We operate solely on a bad-movie-based economy. [Snob gives a quick "hmmph"] Kyle: We're like men in a prison cell fighting over the last scrap of meat. And that meat... is The Pig-Fucking Movie. CS: I've been trying to make a buck off of men fornicating with livestock. Phelous: And I was going to help you make a buck off men fornicating with livestock. Kyle: [happy tone] Anyway, that can make a really cool episode. Can't wait to see what you do with it. Later! [gets up and leaves] Phelous: [overly anxious] Brad? CS: Yeah? Phelous: What is this feeling that's... washed over me, that engulfs my soul in darkness, and makes me fearful for an uncertain future? CS: That would be angst, my friend. THE END [The credits have "Music for 2 Girls 1 Cup by Satan himself"]
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