| abstract
| - The film is notable for making use of 3D film during the revived interest in the technology in the 1980s, amongst other horror films such as Friday the 13th Part III and Amityville 3D. Cinema audiences could wear disposable cardboard polarized 3D glasses to create the illusion that elements penetrate the screen.[1] Several shots and sequences were designed to utilise the effect, such as the shark's destruction. Since 3D was ineffective in home viewing until the advent of 3D televisions in the early 2000s, the alternative title Jaws III is used for television broadcasts, VHS and DVD.[2] Jaws 3-D was followed by Jaws: The Revenge in 1987.
- NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. A lot of you might be wondering where I've been for the past week. Well, there was an... incident in Nevada... many people injured....I-I-I could never go back...but I'm here now, and ready to do the next review! NC (Voiceover): 3-D seems to be everywhere nowadays, doesn't it? But a lot of people forget that this used to be a very cheap gimmick before it became a very expensive gimmick. And probably its ugliest transition was in the 80's and 90's, where 3-D wasn't really big money, didn't look that impressive, and to be honest, no one really knows why it was around. NC: And one of the movies that tried to take advantage of this relatively dick gimmick was Jaws 3. Also known as, Jaws 3-D! NC (Voiceover): If you thought Jaws 2 was unnecessary, here's a sequel that adds even more unnecessary-ness. Crappy effects, boring characters and 3-D that's so lame, you'll be looking at your hand thinking that it's flat! NC: And, of course, what I mean by bad 3-D is NO 3-D! This movie doesn't come with any glasses or anything, so it's entirely pointless! In 3-D, this looks very impressive. NC: But in real life, I look like a freaking spazz. This is what you're in for, people. Just an hour and half of this! So let's take a look! NC: Annoyed yet? NC (Voiceover): So let's see what gimmicks they try literally throwing at us in the opening. NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Whoa, those credits are jumping out at us! Oh, wait, there's no glasses, so it just looks tacky and retarded. NC (Voiceover): So we watch the point of view of probably the world's slowest moving shark as he does the unthinkable. NC (Voiceover): Murders.... (gasps) A WHOLE FISH! NC: My God! Not the entire fish! The incredible Mr. Limpet will never see his family again! NC (Voiceover): Uh, next. Next. Next! Okay, even in 3-D, your fucking fish head is not scary! NEXT! NC (Voiceover): So the premise of this movie is actually a little creative, at least in its setting. It takes place in Sea World, which I have to admit is kind of a weird advertising tie-in. Do you really want to advertise that your theme park has Jaws in it? A giant shark that can eat you anytime he wants? NC: It's like advertising Disney World... NC (Voiceover): "Now with more cancer!" NC (Voiceover): But, oh, well. We get a couple of guys who are trying to close this gate or something when you-know-who shows up! NC (Voiceover, gruff voice): OW! Son of a bitch! Shark crossing, you a-holes! Sea World crew member: I thought you said those tracks were secure. Shelby Overman: Something's holding the gate up. Sea World crew member: Better get Mike Brody out here. NC (Voiceover): Actually, all joking aside, what did Jaws exactly do? I mean, I know he's a big shark, but does he just... NC (Voiceover): ...run around with a toolbelt to stop opening gates? NC (Voiceover): So this one guy decides to look at the problem at dusk....because, yeah, that's when you have the most amount of light, right?...as he senses something bad in the water. NC (Waving his arms frantically): CAAAT-I mean, FIIISH!!! NC (Voiceover): But, of course, Jaws shows up and nabs the guy. NC (Voiceover): Wow, I can just feel the fakeness leaping off the screen. NC (Voiceover): So we cut to our main characters, played by Dennis Quaid and John Putch. They play the Brody Brothers. That's right, the sons of the main character from the first Jaws movies. What relevance does this have to anything in the story? NC: Um... look! A 3-D arm! NC (Voiceover): A 3-D arm! Whoo! NC (Voiceover): They're accompanied by their girlfriends, played by Lea Thompson and Bess Armstrong, who like to play games like Stand Off, which involves two people who lightly pushing each other with their palms. (Sarcasm) Truly a battle of strength and wit. Sean: My fly's open! Kelly: No fair! NC (Voiceover, mimicking Kelly): You lured me with the promise of penis! Kelly: Beer. Mmm, you owe me a couple. Sean: That's right, comin' up. Two beers! NC (Voiceover): Um, are these two gonna stop making out? NC (Voiceover): Come on, guy, you got company there! NC (Voiceover): So Putch and Thompson go down to the water to play their other favorite game: Chase the cow girl through the knee high tents on the beach. NC: Um... kinky? NC (Voiceover): But meanwhile, a bigger, nastier foe is at work! That's right. I'm talking about the lowest form of scum known by man. Coral Poacher: Somewhere down there is the best coral. Guy in Miami give us 200 bucks for the good stuff. NC: Coral Stealers! NC (Voiceover): I mean, really? Coral stealers? We have coral stealers in this movie? Who's their competition, the seahorse mafia? NC (Voiceover): So, of course, Jaws strikes again, but it wants to be sure it leaves no evidence behind. NC (Voiceover): Bet you didn't know Jaws can suck rasp through a straw, did you? NC (Voiceover): So the wife of the first dead guy is concerned because they can't find his body. So they take that boat that you... NC (Voiceover): ...always see the Planeteers use to go under the water and see if they could find him. NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Now, get ready, folks, for some of the best underwater effects you have ever seen in your entire life. NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Wow! Happy Meal toys in a bathtub have nothing compared to this scene. In fact, the ship itself sort of looks like Ronald McDonald's electric shaver, doesn't it? Mike (Voiceover): We're at 25 feet heading to the Spanish Galleon... NC (Voiceover): And, hey, if you thought my green screen effects were impressive, get a load of this. NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Yeah! I bet you didn't know the ship had a cloaking device, did you? Mike: Overman broke divers at home last night, out there. If anything happened to him, the ocean curve would've washed him up here. Nick Tatopoulis (footage from Godzilla): That's a lot of fish. NC (Voiceover); So they come across a fake sunken ship...because if it's good enough for your fish tank, it's good enough for Sea World...as something has the dolphins spooked. But what could it be? Kathryn: I don't know, they've been acting strange for the last two days. Look at them. NC (Voiceover, mimicking the dolphins with a gruff voice): There's a shark, bitch! Run! NC (Voiceover): So as they get out to look around, they come across the ferocious animal! Or at least the hand puppet version of it. NC (Voiceover, laughing): Oh, my God, it's Whack-A-Shark! NC (Voiceover): So Quaid and Armstrong get away by, listen to this, riding the dolphins to safety. NC (Voiceover): They replay the footage about 30 times to simulate a chase sequence, as they finally escape. So this British...fish hunter or something comes aboard to try to capture the shark and make tons of money off of it. Cinema Snob: Actually, that guy is from Manimal. NC (Voiceover): Cinema Snob, what are you doing here? And what's Manimal? CS: Only the greatest series to come out of the 1980's! Let me fill you in. It all started on September 30th, 1983. Simon McCorkindale starred as Dr. Jonathan Chase, a man with the brightest of futures... CS (Voiceover): The darkest of pasts. NC: So, anyway... Philip FitzRoyce: If we kill this beastie on camera, I can guarantee you media coverage. Kathryn: There isn't a Great White alive in captivity anywhere. If any facility can maintain a white, it's us. If we-we could... NC (Voiceover): Whoa! What is up with... NC (Voiceover): ...Quaid's pits? I guess sharks give him an unbelievable fear of old spice. Calvin Bouchard: That will really be a spectacular event, no doubt about that, huh? NC (Voiceover): So the owner of Sea World gives his blessing as the team heads down to catch Jaws. By the way, when did Sea World become the Starship Enterprise? Calvin: See anything yet? Control Room Guy: Yeah, we'll get it on the monitor. NC (Voiceover, mimicking Calvin): All I can say is, I'm worried. We're in a lousy horror movie and I'm the only black person around. Clearly I need to hire more black people. CS: Manimal had the ability to turn into any animal... CS (Voiceover): ...that he damn well pleases... NC (Voiceover): So they set out to hunt the beast and... oddly enough, they catch it. Jaws is captured and brought to one of the fish tanks. Gee, they're not trying to fake us out like they did in the first movie by any chance, are-oh, wait for it! NC (Voiceover): So they open up their new underwater attraction, which I guess is supposed to be a haunted house underwater. NC (Voiceover): Oh, come on! That's not a ride, that's a Hentai! Sea World Annoucer (Voiceover): There's no extra charge for this unique attraction. Our underwater tunnels are not only fun, but informative. NC: You know, it's funny how often I have to remind myself that this was shot in 3-D. Because, shots like that, they blend in so well to the story. (Beat) Oh, wait, no, they're awkward and stupid! NC (Voiceover): So, through some really confusing dialogue, I guess the shark dies because they put him in the wrong tank. NC (Voiceover): Unfortunately, that doesn't distract the people from the dead guy who's floating in the water. NC (snickers): Who's the a-hole who pushed the girl into the dead body? I mean, who does that? NC (makes a scootch in gesture and holds his arm around): Oh ,look! A dead guy! Scootch in closer, Suzie, we ought to get a picture of this. NC: Oh, grow up! (smiles) NC (Voiceover): So they discover that it wasn't Jaws that they originally captured, but her son. That's right, Jaws is a woman. And hell hath no fury like a PMSA shark who wants revenge for her dead fishy! CS: Now in the series 90 minute pilot, Manimal teams up with hot... CS (Voiceover): ...young detective Brooke McKenzie. Mike: Get out of the water! Bring the boat! Now, bring 'em back! NC (Voiceover): Jesus, try speaking English to them. Maybe then they'll listen. NC (chuckles): Sheesh, is it me or is Jaws making like incredible speed? What, does she just have a motor attached to her fin? NC (Voiceover): So after not eating anyone, yes, she just sort of looks at them, she decides that bumper boats are more to her liking. As she... (gasps) nibs one of her victims! That's right, she nibs now. Jaws isn't as much a savage killer as much as she is a light nibbler. NC (Voiceover): But she makes up for it by trying to destroy the underwater haunted house. NC (Voiceover): Yes, I can see why Sea World wanted to do a tie-in with this movie. Can't you just see the promotional video right now? NC (Voiceover, mimicking a cheesy announcer): Looking for a summer vacation? Want to bring the kids? Hoping to be trapped in a watery grave with little to no hope of escape? NC (Voiceover, mimicking a cheesy announcer): Come to Sea World! The disappointing alternative to Disney World. NC (Voiceover): So the people are trapped literally under the sea as that British guy tries to go and lure the shark into a giant underwater cage. But he gets caught and is unable to escape. NC (Voiceover, chuckles): What? Is he trying to cast a spell on her? NC (Voiceover, mimicking Philip): Wait! You can't eat me! I'm British food! I taste terrible! NC (Voiceover): So the British guy literally gets stuck in Jaws' teeth as her other row of teeth, which I guess are in her throat or something, finishes him off! His assistant doesn't take the news well. Jack Tate: Down below! Down below! Somebody pretty pulled the oxygen lungs for me! NC (chuckles): What is it when people yell in this movie, you can never understand what the hell they're saying? Jack (sobbing): Somebody pulled the pin! (Continues sobbing) NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Aw, that was really gripping. In that he was, really gripping that ladder. You can't deny it, he was really holding on to that ladder. Calvin: Kathryn, what are you doing? Kathryn: I'm going down there. Calvin: Are you crazy? Kathryn: He needs on the back of his head, Calvin. NC (Voiceover): Oh, look, another black guy. I guess that gives Calvin a fighting chance to survive this movie, doesn't it? CS: We got to see Manimal turn into a cat so he could peak down... CS (Voiceover) ...to Ursula Anderson's dress. NC (Voiceover): So even though she's in a giant metal cage, does that stop Jaws? (The shark rams to the window and breaks the glass (and freezes after doing so)) Fuck, no! She rips through it like it was wet toilet paper. NC: Good lord, nothing can stop this killing machine! Well, except maybe one thing... CHUCK NORRIS! NC: But, even then, he'd have to be riding a shark just as big as Jaws. NC (Voiceover, high pitch): A-CHUCK-A-NORRIIIIS! Riding a shark just as big as JAAAAAAAWS! NC (Voiceover): So they finally get the people out as I'm sure they reenact the audience's reaction of leaving this movie. Unfortunately, Jaws starts floating towards the base! Oh, and I don't mean swim, I mean float. Having actual movement would require another Double A battery. NC (mock horror and panic while pointing): By God! She's very, very, very, very, very slowly coming towards us! We only have hours to escape! Hours! NC (Voiceover, snickers): Oh-ho! The effects for this movie never cease to amaze me! I especially love how Jaws just freezes in time as a vacuum of water floods into the building. It's like she's so bad, that she ascends above water. Even the elements of Earth can't possibly stop her. CS: Let's not forget about the time he turned into a horse... NC (Annoyed): Mt God! CS (Voiceover): ...to stop a robber. NC (Voiceover): So after she breaks the fourth wall, she goes looking around for tasty morsels. Guess who she picks? NC (Voiceover, mimicking Calvin): Phew! Thank God I had that other black guy! I guess lousy killer monsters really do prefer dark meat. Later! NC (Voiceover): So Quaid and Armstrong try to swim out as Jaws gets stuck between one of the walls. NC (Voiceover, mimicking the shark): Oh, hey, come on, now you're just teasing me! Come on down here and fight like a shark! NC (Voiceover): So I guess the British guy and the grenade are still in her mouth and yet somehow she doesn't choke to death, as Quaid uses it to blow up the shark for good! NC (Voiceover, chuckles): Did we enter an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon? Way to end on a high note! Kathryn: Mike! Mike, the dolphins! NC (mock concern): Yes, what about the dolphins? Those...characters that played little to no part but now we're suddenly concerned about? NC (Voiceover): Yes, the dolphins make it out as well, which is funny because we don't really know if any of the people made it out alive or if they just drowned to death. But the dolphins are okay and that's all that matters. Well, okay, no, it isn't, but who cares? The movie's over, I'll take anything you throw at me! NC: And that's Jaws 3-D, or as I like to call it: Shit. NC (Voiceover): Not only are the special effects terrible, even if you do have the 3-D glasses, but the story is just ludicrous and the characters so boring that there's literally nothing that can save it, even if it was in 3-D. NC: And that's all I gotta say about... you know, I wonder. CS: The series was cancelled on December 17th, 1983 due to poor ratings... CS: ...with it being put on... NC (whispering to CS): Good night, Cinema Snob. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. CS: His appearance in Jaws 3-D marks only the second time that McCorkindale has been featured in something that has featured sharks and the Jaws theme. Now am I saying that there's a scene from Manimal that he turns into a shark to go after a bad guy and it plays the Jaws theme? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.
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