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| - Eileen: Alright, Rigby. Would you rather...comb your hair with a hot dog, or have feet for hands? Rigby: Pfft! Feet for hands! Run twice as fast! Mordecai: But how would you play video games? Rigby: (Gets up in Mordecai's face) Feet for hands! CJ: Your turn, Mordecai. Would you rather...live on a houseboat made of garbage, or eat a sandwich in a portable toilet? Mordecai: Portable toilet. CJ: You'd really do that? Mordecai: (Scoffs) Over a garbage houseboat, obviously. It'd smell bad, and then the water would make it smell more, and then you just got a big pile of wet garbage. CJ: So you're saying you would eat a sandwich in a portable toilet? Mordecai: (Points at CJ) Yes. CJ: Huh. (Pulls a wrapped sandwich out of her bag) Just so happens I got my sandwich right here. (Gasps and points) And what's that over there? Rigby: Ooh! (Slams his hand on the table) Time to put your sandwich where your mouth is! Mordecai: You can't be serious. CJ: What a coincidence, my sandwich is chicken, too. Eileen: She's got you there, Mordecai. Mordecai: Are you daring me? (He puts up his hands) 'Cause if you're gonna dare me, just dare me. CJ: (Shrugs) Alright, I dare you. Mordecai: Oh, so we're just changing games now. Fine, then. CJ: (Holds out her hand) Wait! CJ (continued): How will we know if you actually do it? Eileen: (Who stands up from her spot at the table) Right, it's not a legitimate dare without a credible witness. Rigby: Fine. I'll be the incredible witness! Eileen: (Turns to CJ) So.... were you planning that the whole time, or... CJ: Nah. It was more of an impulse. Mordecai: (Looking around) Huh. I gotta say, this is pretty classy. Rigby: I guess if I needed to go outside I'd do it here. So you're really going through with this? Rigby (continued): I can just vouch for you, ya know. It's no big deal. Mordecai: (While eating the sandwich) I'm a man of my word. (Chewing) So, CJ and Eileen seem to be getting along. Rigby: Yeah, I guess. Rigby (continued): (In a lame impression of Eileen's voice) Boy, we have so much in common. Would you rather... awkwardly kiss Mordecai on New Year's Eve, or dare him to eat a sandwich in a portable toilet? Oh wow, both?! (He turns around to see Mordecai has finished the sandwich. He immediately goes back to using his normal voice.) Oh, you're done. Mordecai: Easy peasy no big deezy! Rigby: Great, let's get out of here. Rigby (continued): (Turns to Mordecai) It's stuck. Mordecai: Dude, that's not funny. Rigby: Why would I joke about this; you know how I am with small spaces! Mordecai: Come on, dude. Try and calm down. Rigby: (Puts a hand to his head) Okay, I'm trying. Caaaaaaalm. Mordecai: Good. CJ and Eileen are right out there. They'll come and get us any minute. Mordecai (continued): Right? Uh.... Rigby? Mordecai (continued): Rigby?! Rigby: (Screaming) We're gonna starve before they find us! Why'd you eat the whole sandwich? You should've saved some just in case!! Mordecai: Dude, that makes no sense! Rigby: (Points at Mordecai) You makes no sense! Rigby (continued): Help! I'm trapped in here with a crazy person! Eileen: I think the character I love to hate the most is King Harry. He's such a pill. CJ: Huh? CJ: Hey guys! How's it going in there? Mordecai: Well, things are going fine. The sandwich is done. But, uh, now it's kinda... Rigby: The door is stuck. Get us out of here! CJ: (Sarcastically) Oh, that's terrible. CJ: Do you need some...oh, what is the word I'm looking for? Eileen: It's on the tip of my tongue. Help? CJ: Oh, yeah...help or something? Rigby: Yes! Could you please help us? CJ: I guess we could try. CJ: Oh. It really is stuck. Eileen: I knew I should've brought my keysmith multi-tool today. Never doubt your gut, Eileen. Mordecai: There's some tools in the garage. CJ: All right. Hold tight. Don't run out of oxygen in there! Eileen: I get that you're joking, but actually, portable toilets are quite well-ventilated. Mordecai: This thing is brand-new. How did the handle get stuck like... wha...oh! Mordecai (continuned): What is this stuff? Rigby: That's meatball gravy. Mordecai: How did meatball gravy get on the doorknob, Rigby? Rigby: I was eating meatballs! Mordecai: You're not supposed to eat meatballs with your hands, dude. Rigby: Hands are nature's forks! Mordecai: Try the window or something. Rigby: I can't even get my fingers through the holes. They're like tiny prison bars. Mordecai: All right. Option two: let's ram the door. Muscle Man: So, what are you doing tonight? High Five Ghost: I got to house-sit my cousin's dog. What about you? Muscle Man: That on-target 1.2 combination model's been singing my name all week. High Five Ghost: Oh. They finally installed that new outhouse? Muscle Man: Show some respect, bro. It's called a "portable toilet". High Five Ghost: Okay. Well, that sounds like fun. Have a good weekend. Muscle Man: Oh, I will, bro. I will. I'm yours now, baby. Muscle Man: What?! No! This is not okay. Muscle Man: Yeah. It's Muscle Man. We got a code sixty seven over here. Muscle Man: Make sure she gets a good home! Helicopter Pilot: She will! Decommissioned units get sent to the military for target practice. Muscle Man: That's so honorable! Eileen: Alright...first, we'll test the... Muscle Man: Eileen! Uh... Second girl. This is not awkward. Eileen: Okay... Muscle Man: I said it's not awkward! (Sighs) Listen, ladies, I know this model was voted throne of the year by Flush Twice Quarterly, but you're gonna have to wait your turn. CJ: Mordecai and Rigby were locked in here. Do you know where they went? Muscle Man: Uh... Okay. Yep. Well...this is awkward. Rigby: (Groggily) Hello? CJ: Where are you guys? Rigby: Let me check. CJ: Try and sit tight. Muscle Man is dealing with it. (Quizzically) He says he knows a guy? Muscle Man: (Annoyed) Weak, I got the automated system. Automated System: For toilet replacement, press one. Muscle Man: (Firmly) No. Undo replacement! Automated System: You have selected toilet replacement. Muscle Man: (Who is even angrier than before) NO!! Automated System: This is your second replacement today. Muscle Man: (Heatedly) Put me through to the MILITARY! Automated System: Thank you for calling On-Target. Goodbye. Muscle Man: Aaaaaaah! Ah! Muscle Man (continued): It didn't work. CJ: (On the phone) Where are you now? Rigby: Uh... (He crawls over to the window and nervously peers outside) Uh.... Rigby: It looks like the moon! (Turns away dramatically) A horrifying moon of death! Do you know where that is? CJ: What? Rigby: Hold on a second. Mordecai: Huh? Whaaa? (He sits up) What's happening? CJ: Are you guys alright? Mordecai: I think we're landing! Rigby: It looks like...(Toilet lands among other toilets) a State Fair. Mordecai: What? (On the phone) No, dude! It's a military base! Rigby: (On the phone) How should I know? I've never been to a military base! Mordecai: (On the phone) You've never been to a State Fair, either. Muscle Man: Uh-oh. Okay, ladies. Now don't go whacko on me, but sometimes, the military uses decommissioned toilets for target practice. CJ and Eileen: What?! General: Mmm...mmm, yes. Mhm, agreed. General: (continued): Will do, sir. General (continued): Begin test phase of the F29 disintegrator laser system. Corporal: Permission to speak freely, sir? General: No. Corporal #2: Permission to speak freely, sir? General: Granted. Corporal #2: Sir, why do we test the satellite laser on portable toilets, sir? General: (Turns to face the corporal) Why do we test on portable toilets? (He walks over to the corporal) We need to be able to stop the enemies at a moment's notice. Enemies and portable toilets have two things in common: they're both soulless- (He gets up in the corporal's face)-and they're about the same size. Corporal #2: Can never be too safe, sir. General: You better believe it. (Begins walking away) Now I do not feel like being intimidated today, so let's put some taxpayer money to good use! Begin laser sequence! General: 3...2...1. Let's drop a laser-guided number two on this duke bucket. Rigby: (On walkie talkie) Hurry up and help us! Mordecai: You guys gotta come quick! We're gonna die out- CJ: We lost them! Eileen: I'll try and flag them down! CJ: What's wrong? Eileen: My signals aren't working! CJ: No! Now what we do? (Furious) This is terrible! Eileen: Try and keep calm. CJ: Keep calm?! Things finally stopped being weird with Mordecai, and now he's gonna get killed, (Turns dark) and it's all because of some stupid dare which wasn't even clever. Eileen: CJ! Eileen (continued): Do you trust me? CJ: Yeah. Eileen: Would you rather: let Mordecai and Rigby get killed, or jump into that portable toilet and rescue them? CJ: That's easy. Rigby: I've been trying to open this for so long, I can't feel my arms. (Mockingly) Thank you, Mordecai! Mordecai: Hey, you didn't have to close the door. Rigby: Don't put this on me, man! I'm not the one who flirts by taking toilet dares! General: Continue testing. Corporal: (Looking through the screen) Oh, no. (To General) Uh, permission to speak freely, sir? General: No. Corporal #2: Permission to speak freely, sir? General: Granted. Corporal #2: Didn't the president say to limit testing because each blast costs three billion dollars? General: The president's not my father! I'll blow up as many toilets as I like! Now, continue testing! CJ: How much time do we have? Eileen: Uh...None! CJ: They gotta be here somewhere. Come on! Eileen: We need to split up! CJ: Mordecai! Rigby! Man: Thanks, lady! Eileen: Any luck? CJ: No. Rigby: We're right here! Eileen: It's still stuck! CJ: Get the tools. General: Initiate humongous explosion signal. Mordecai: We have to do it together! General: On my mark. Mordecai/General: 3...2...1! Mordecai: Run! General: What were you kids thinking? You're lucky we saw your heat signatures so we could distinguish you from the debris. Corporal #2: Sir, the president's on the line. General: Urgggh! (Takes phone) Hello? Mordecai: Thanks for getting us out of there, guys. CJ: Couldn't have done it without you. Eileen: Yeah. You guys were hitting that door pretty hard. CJ jumped into a moving helicopter. Mordecai: Wow. Really? CJ: Well, you know, more like a portable toilet being carried by a helicopter. Eileen: Ain't no biggie. CJ: We're not the ones getting stuck in portable toilets. Mordecai: (Chuckles) Whatever. It was your bet. CJ: Hey, Eileen, would you rather: sit here and be boring, or go play with that space laser? CJ and Eileen: (Who lean in towards each other) Space laser! CJ: Hey, can we try this thing out? Corporal: Well, I don't see why not. Rigby: Wow. CJ's pretty cool. Mordecai: Hah. Yeah. She is.
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