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| - Kong grabs a nearby pedestrian. Pedestrian: Hey, leggo of me you big stinking lice condo! Kong throws her into a barrel of rotten fish. Words appear on screen: DON'T BADMOUTH THE GORILLA Kong starts knocking cars around. One man sees his brand-new model-T get smashed into a building. Man: Oh well, I didn't like the paint job anyway. Kong has a desperate look on his face as he desperately searches for Ann. He backs into a trolley, and starts pounding on it. Kong: RRAAAAAGGGLLL! (Translation: You stole my girl!) Kong goes around picking random Ann's lookalikes. Cut to Driscoll calling cabs Driscoll: Taxi! Taxi! Follow that giant ape! Taxi driver: Follow the giant ape!? Who the hell wrote this line? Seriously, I'll be talking to my agent. Can you watch my taxi, for a while? Driscoll: Sure. The taxi driver leaves. Driscoll enters into the taxi and drives on, to distract Kong from the senseless destruction. Cut to Ann standing outside the theater. She sees a poster for "King Kong" lying on the ground. Ann: I knew this would happen! What the devil is that big ape up to now? Maybe I can calm him down before he blows up the city. She runs down the street. Cut to Kong, still chasing Jack. He chases him underneath an elevated train, knocking over the foundations. The train crashes to the ground and explodes in a great fireball. He chases Jack through a narrow alley, and knocks the car over. Then suddenly he looks up and sees a familiar figure coming toward him. Jack is unconcious in the car. Ann approaches Kong slowly. Kong: Oh, oh, HUHRGH! (IT'S MY PRECIOUS! Come to me, PRECIOUS!) Ann: What? Kong: Sorry I forgot we're done with LOTR. Peter Jackson's voice cuts in: ANDY! STOP... Kong picks up a car and hurls it toward a point above the camera. Jackson's voice is heard screaming. Kong: Seeing as how I'm a 9,000 pount gorilla, I'll talk wherever I please! Ann looks shocked. Ann: You big bully! Oh wait, I'm supposed to be calming you down. [she runs up to him and gives him a hug] Kong takes Ann and put her on his shoulder. He then starts strolling through New York. He goes through the streets, until he comes to Central Park, where he slips out onto the ice. Kong: WHHHOOOOOOAAAA!! "Blue Danube" starts playing, as Kong starts to perform perfect figure skating tricks. Ann cheers him on, when suddenly the ice is broken by a bomb. General: FIRE! Another shell flies into the water. Kong jumps out and goes back on a rampage. He runs through the streets, trampling any car he comes to. He tramples the general's car and everything in it, while the soldiers fly out. Cut to another general, riding in the back of an army truck with a bunch of soldiers. General: Listen up, this is New York City, this is hallowed ground. It was built for the people, by the people! The thought of some stinking, lice-infested ape who has no respect for decor crappin' and barfin' and peein' all over the trashy—I mean, beautiful—streets of this city fills me with DISGUST! I could vomit all over you right now! Anyway, this is how it's gonna be: we find it. (One of the soldiers looks out the window to see Kong coming towards them from the side) We kill it. We cut off its ugly head and ram it up its...YYYAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHH!!!! Kong blasts into the truck and sends it into the side of a building. Soldier: You shouldn't have badmouthed him. General: Shaddup Kong jumps up on a building, performing all sorts of cool Tarzan tricks while dodging bullets. (Play Tarzan music) He flies from rooftop to rooftop. Ann is shouting with delight the whole time. Finally, he comes to the bottom of the Empire State Building. He begins to climb. He climbs upward and upward, until he comes near to the top. There he sits and watches the sun rise with Ann. Ann: Wow, ain't that gorgeous! Kong looks out toward it and nods. Ann: And, I'm gorgeous too! RIGHT?? Kong looks at her and suddenly sneezes. Ann wipes the snot off her face. Ann: Thanks a lot. Kong: Raaarrggguh. (Translation: Sorry. I couldn't stop it. You're too funny.) They continue to watch the sunrise. Suddenly, a bunch of biplanes appear, hovering around the building. Kong: SNNAAARRL! (Trans: And I thought those v-rexes were stupid.) Ann: Stoppit! Leave us alone, you nasty, bullying, meanies! Hey wait a minute! (She points to the gunman in one of the planes) That's Peter Jackson! Hey Pete! Jackson (who is all bandaged up from his encounter with the car): Shaddup! You're ruining the film! Ann: Sorry! The planes start circling around. Kong sticks out his tongue, and then shakes his butt. One of the gunmen shoots, and it hits Kong in the butt. He roars and curses obscenely in Gorilla-eze. Then he starts climbing up the rest of the way. Ann: WHERE THE ***** ARE YOU GOING???? Kong motions for her to stay down. Kong: Raaalllggi. (Trans: Stay here like a good girl while Kong goes up and whoops nasty big pteradactyls!) Ann: But those pteradactyls have...they can spit fire! Painful! Kong starts climbing. Suddenly the planes start shooting, smashing the glass. Shards fall all around Ann. Ann: Stupid idiot bastards! The planes circle around again as Kong reaches the top. He knocks off the radio tower at the top, and then roars loudly as he gets electrocuted. Cut to inside the office of a radio operator. Operator: Attention, Kong has reached the top of the Empire State Building! He has just knocked off...oh crap. There goes my signal. Cut back to Kong, sucking his thumb briefly. Suddenly Peter Jackson starts shouting at him from the plane. Jackson: ANDY!!! GET INTO CHARACTER!!!! Kong: Oh yeah...ahem...RRROOOOOAAAAARRRRR!!! (He beats his chest) (Must be long and drawn out, like in the movie) Kong watches the bi-planes circle around him. One of them turns and starts firing. Kong dodges, then grabs the plane as it passes him. He spins round and round and then hurls the plane off into oblivion. Kong is all dizzy and throws up off the side of the building. The barf splashes on Ann. Ann: You stupid ****** Suddenly Kong pulls an electric guitar out of nowhere and starts playing heavy metal (which is perfect because he has the perfect voice for it) Ann: Wow, what a performer! One pilot gets so interested that he forgets to watch where he's going, and crashes right into the side of the building. Pilot: Oh crap. Jackson: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH!!! (Music stops) It's time to get back to the great fighting scenes!! Kong puts his guitar back into the extra-dimensional portal or wherever he got it from, and then beats his chest and roars as the planes circle around. One breaks out and comes toward him, firing. Kong leaps up and knocks it out of the air. It goes and flies down to the ground and explodes in a massive fireball. The planes all approach him from high up. Kong curses obscenely (in subtitles, "Oh *****!! Oh *****!!! ***** them!!! *********!!!!) as the bullets riddle him. He swipes at them as they go past. Suddenly he falls off the top, and slips back down. About this time Ann is climbing up one of the ladders. Suddenly bullets knock the screws holding the ladder in place out, and the ladder begins to fall. Ann: Who trained you guys, anyway? Your grandmothers??? EEEEK! HLEP! I mean, HELP!! Kong tries to grab the ladder. Suddenly it breaks and falls, and Kong slides further down and grabs Ann. Then he climbs back up, and places her in one of the windows at the near top. They sit and look at each other for a few minutes. Ann: You look terrible. Almost like Darth Vader! Kong (subtitles): Who the heck? Ann: Don't ask me... Suddenly, the planes begin fire again. Kong quickly climbs back up to the top, where he beats his chest again. Then he grabs one of the passing biplanes, and begins swinging it around. Kong: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! HERE WE GO ROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH, THE... Peter Jackson (from another biplane): Andy! QUIT TALKING IN CHARACTER!!!! Kong: Oh yeah...ROOOOOOAAARRR! Kong swings the plane around several times, then hurls it at another plane. They both explode in a giant fireball. Kong does another belly laugh and dances around again. Suddenly more bullets riddle him. He roars and swipes at the plane and misses. He flops down and begins to feel his wounds. Kong (subtitles): Hey! This one looks like Nevada! Ann runs out on the deck and then starts climbing up. She reaches the top just as another plane is headed for Kong. She begins waving her arms. Ann: NO! Please don't! Maybe he IS just a gorilla, but he's really nice when you leave him alone! The planes fly past the building. Ann turns to Kong, who is slowly succombing to his wounds. Ann: Please don't! Don't die! Kong (subtitles): Don't worry my dear, I'm going to Sugarcandy Mountain Suddenly there's a whirring sound, and Ann turns to see a Klingon Bird-of-Prey hovering behind her. Captain James Kirk (over loudspeaker): Ahh! Perfect! Just what we're looking for! Ann: What? A giant gorilla? Kirk: Yes! We need him to communicate with some nasty ape-like aliens that are destroying the planet in the future. Kong (subtitles): If they touch my girl, I'll rip their guts out! Suddenly, Kong is unable to hold himself up any longer, and falls. Kirk: KOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGG!!!! Ann: Oh please. Wait a minute... She turns around to see Kong no longer there. Ann: Huh? Where the heck did he go? Kirk: Oh well, I guess we'd better go further back to find a gorilla. (The ship flies off) Jack is seen suddenly climbing up the ladder to the top of the building. (He hasn't seen the ship.) Driscoll: Ann! Where's Kong? Ann: I dunno! I just turned my back for a minute and then he was gone! I bet he just had to take a little snooze. Driscoll: Oh, I see him. He must've fallen off the building, there he is on the street. Hmmm...he doesn't look too good. Ann: Oh no...he must've fallen off! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! [She runs to Jack and starts crying on his shoulder] Driscoll (Smiling to the camera): I don't want to sound like an obnoxious selfish bastard, but hey! Now that he's dead, the girl is all mine! Cut to scene of Kong lying on the street, surrounded by reporters. Police are pushing them away. Reporter #1: Why the ***** did he do that? He climbed up there, and got himself completely cornered!! The ape must've known what was coming. Reporter #2: Hah! He's just a dumb animal!! I mean, that should be pretty obvious!!! Reporter #1: Oh yeah? What do you know? Reporter #2: A lot more than you, you stupid noodleloaf! Reporter #1 swears and jumps on him and they start fighting like little two-year-olds. Policeman: That's enough, boys. Woman in crowd: What does it matter, anyhow? The dadgum airplanes got 'im! Carl Denham suddenly pushes through. Denham: Naw, it wasn' the airplanes. It was beauty that killed the beast...no, it was totally the bullets. Man in crowd: NO! YOU DID!! Denham: Wha...? Man: Yeah! You brought 'im over here, and now he's dead! You've brought about the extinction of the species megaprimatus kong!!! You callous, greedy ******!!! Suddenly the crowd quiets and turns to look at Denham. Another man: Yeah! You're responsible for this mess!! Denham: Now people, I'm not lookin' for any trouble... Suddenly Jimmy appears in the crowd. Jimmy: No, you're looking for somethin' else! Denham: YOU ALREADY SAID THAT!! Jimmy: They're right, Denham!! You're looking for more suing!! Crowd: SUE HIM!! SUE HIM!!!! Denham runs away, with the crowd hard at his heels. Begin playing Weird Al's "I'll Sue Ya." Cut to inside the Skull Island Metropolitan Hospital (Which looks like an ordinary American hospital). We see the V-rex, with its head wrapped up in bandages. It has a very pissed-off look on its face. The doctors (who look like ordinary American doctors) are gathered around him. Doctor #1: Well, he'll be all right in about a month. Suddenly, the doors burst open and a a bunch of nurses come in, carrying a large stretcher. On the stretcher is King Kong. Cut to a later scene. Kong is wrapped up in a body cast. Doctor #1: Well, let's see here. He's got four skull fractures, two broken teeth, twelve fractures on his forearm, twelve fractures on the pelvis, twenty on the right thigh, seventeen on the left one, five broken fingers, two... Doctor #2: We get the point. Doctor #1: Well, it's gonna be a while before he gets out of here. But when he does...the thing that we all feared will come upon the world, in a new age of darkness! Doctor #2: You don't mean... Doctor #1: Yes... Both doctors (Looking at the camera, looking scared): A sequel! Credits.
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