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| - :Quagmire: [to Peter] You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time!
:[cutaway to Lois walking on the sidewalk]
:Lois: Come on!
:[pull out to reveal Peter chewing gum while lying down on his face]
:Peter: I'm doin' somethin'. [chews] One thing at a time!
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:[after Peter shoots Quagmire]
:Joe: Oh my God, Peter, that may be the dumbest thing you've ever done!
:Peter: No, the dumbest thing I've ever done was open that can of Whup Ass!
:[cutaway to Peter opening said can. An arm pops out and repeatedly punches Peter]
:Peter: Lois, why did you buy this?
:[off-camera]
:Lois: It was on sale!
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:Peter: [to viewer] Joe Pesci thought we were talkin' to him 'cause his name is Joe. Oh, you don't know who Joe Pesci is 'cause you're 14. You see, in the 90's, this was a tough guy.
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:Joe: This has gotta stop. The petty vying for my attention, the late night phone calls, the attack ads...
:[cut to Peter's attack ad]
:Narrator: Glenn Quagmire claims to be Joe Swanson's good friend, but would a good friend not return a leaf blower for four months during the leafy season?
:Peter: I'm Peter Griffin, and I broke into a news station to make this.
:Newscaster: Hey! Who's that guy?
:Peter: [running off] Aagh!
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:Quagmire: There she is, my little Susie-wusie!
:Peter: I love Susie more! C'mere, Susie! Uncle Peter's gonna give you a raspberry. [Joe and Quagmire watch in shock as Peter does raspberries on Susie]
:Quagmire: Peter... that's not where you do a raspberry.
:Peter: I closed my eyes too early.
:Joe: I think it's best if you leave.
:Peter: Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll hang out with my godson, Kevin! [opens Kevin's door]
:Kevin: Get out!
:Peter: He was masturbating with a knife.
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:Stewie: You're a terrible guy, Bri.
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:Peter: Well, looks like it's just you and me, Shadow. [Peter's shadow enters The Drunken Clam]
:Bar Goers: Shadow!
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