| abstract
| - Todd: Hi everyone. Today it's time for yet another edition of "Hey womenfolk! You know how you hate yourself? You know how you despise every inch of your body and every day you look in the mirror and go 'Why God Why' and then collapse into a puddle of shame and self-hatred because your life is so miserable and horrible? Well hey. Stop that!" [smiles and pauses] Yeah, I'm not thrilled I'm doing one of these either. Clip of Meghan Trainor - "All About That Bass" Todd (VO): I've already reviewed a bunch of them, I don't like these songs. Like, none of them really, it's just [video for "Scars to Your Beautiful"] I talked about today's song, "Scars to Your Beautiful," briefly as an honorable mention in my Worst of 2016 list. And it doesn't seem to be fading at all in 2017, so I thought I should give it a full review. Todd: But I, I, I don't like reviewing these inspirational songs! I don't wanna be a dick, but they blow! Clips of P!nk - "Fuckin' Perfect"... Todd (VO): Almost all of them! They're always trying so hard, they don't do anything for me, and the artists are always so up their own asses about it! ... Wilson Phillips - "Hold On"... Todd (VO)': "They're always like "We did this for the fans! We wanted to make a difference, so we made this song to save the children!" Todd: They're so proud of themselves, because they wrote a clichéd pile of pandering! ...and finally, Good Charlotte - "Hold On". Todd: Yuck! I've heard Good Charlotte talk about this, as if it was something to be proud of! Interview with Good Charlotte Benji Madden: I think it's the most important song we've ever written. Back to the performance video Todd (VO): Oh, it's so meaningful! No it's not! Who could possibly like this? Todd: Who would wanna listen to it? Hyper Fangirl: I do! I love that song! That song is so great! Todd: Wha... Hyper Fangirl: That song saved my life! One time, I got a bad review on one of my fanfics, and I was so sad that I was gonna throw myself into a jet engine! I was on the tarmac and everything! But I heard that song... and it gave me the strength to keep on living! Todd: Wait, you're kidding me? This song sucks! Todd: I...Well, I mean... Hyper Fangirl: You're right, it's garbage!It's garbage, and I'm garbage, and where's the nearest airport? [starts fiddling with her phone] Todd (VO): No, no, no, no,no! Todd: It's great! It's a great song! It's wonderful, I love it! Fantastic, it's perfect, best song ever written! Hyper Fangirl: [angry, pulling her glasses down] That's right, it is! Todd: See? See?! That's why I don't like reviewing this kind of song! It always makes me look like an asshole! Video for "Scars to Your Beautiful" Todd (VO): And I'mma specially gonna look like an asshole for this. It's... it's another song for girls and how they feel about their bodies and... I'm not the audience for this! I may as well be doing [picture of...] a sports bra. Todd: [groping his chest] I don't get it! Doesn't do anything for me! [throwing his arms] Well, no shit! I'm a guy! I got, like 15 pounds that I need to lose and I can't seem to drop the weight no matter how... [picture of Todd lying on the couch reading Fifty Shades of Grey] little I try. It doesn't faze me, make me feel bad in any way... see this? [puts a box atop his keyboard] Bulk Pringles from Costco! [Todd starts scarfing down a packet] See? I don't feel bad at all! Although... Shirtless Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy Todd (VO): I will say... [now it's shirtless Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love] we are making great strives in that front, during this, the 'roid era of male beauty. Who knows? Todd: Maybe one day, little boys will feel just as shitty as little girls. I have a dream. Video for "Scars to Your Beautiful" Todd (VO): But as it is, little girls need some reassurance that the world doesn't hate them as much as they think. Or else, we're just gonna keep getting songs like this. Video for Alessia Cara - "Here" Todd (VO): The latest comes from 20 year old Alessia Cara. OK, I'll admit she seems like the more promising of the Lorde-a-likes, she's the one that seems the most like a real songwriter, the one who seems like she believes the things she's singing about... Clip of Daya - "Sit Still, Look Pretty" Todd (VO): ...she's not a total plastic clone like Daya... Clip of Halsey - "New Americana" Todd (VO): ...and she's far more ambitious than Halsey. Video for "Here" Todd (VO): And when I first heard "Here", her first song, at the end of 2015, I think I was impressed. You gotta dig that sample! Todd: And yet... I really never quite groove with it. "Here" Todd (VO): And I don't know why. It's a song about being struck in a party you hate full of lame people. I remember that, being too good for those stupid frat parties. Todd: My friends drank merlot and discussed literature! Todd: OK, so our special nerd parties weren't any better than... "Here" Todd (VO): ...the stupid, "cool kids" parties. Think that's maybe why I didn't like this song, it's snobby and judgmental. Alessia Cara:But honestly I'd rather be Somewhere with my people We can kick it and just listen to Some music with a message, like we usually do Todd (VO): Yeah, why listen to party music at a party when you can listen to... Todd: ...I don't know, songs about the evils of the meat industry or whatever. Clip of Boogie Down Productions - "Beef" KRS-One: He has drugs to make the cow grow quicker Through the stress the cow gets sicker Todd:I mean, Lorde could seem judgmental too but... [Clip of Lorde - "Royals"] Todd (VO): Lorde had this preternatural coolness about her. Lorde is quiet and self-assured. Alessia Cara singing "Here" on The View Todd (VO): And Alessia Cara is loud and tries very, very hard. She sounds like the American Idol version of Lorde. All oversinging and too much emoting. Todd: I mean, I guess. That was the only song I've heard from her. Clip of Alessia Cara - "Wild Things" Alessia:Find me where the wild things are Oh my, we'll be alright Todd: Oh, yeah, there was this! Ah, I heard this a couple of times. Alessia: Find me where the wild things are I lose my balance on these eggshells Todd (VO): I've certainly heard worse songs by... Todd: ...Canadian teenage girls singing about children's books in 2016! Clip of Ruth B - "Lost Boy" Ruth B: Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling Todd (VO): God, I can't believe this song exists. Todd: But anyway, Alessia Cara didn't have a big follow-up until... Video for "Scars to Your Beautiful" Todd (VO): ...this one, "Scars to Your Beautiful". Which is still climbing right now and could be her biggest hit yet. Like I said, it's about, you know, you are beautiful no matter what they say, words can't bring you down. Alessia: But there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark Todd (VO): Songs like this are dime-a-dozen. Todd: But this one has a few things that make this song stand out. First off, there's the title. Alessia: No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful Todd (VO): Scars to Your Beautiful. Well, weird line, right? "No scars to your beautiful". Todd: Adjective as noun. I guess it's poetic. Or it's cutesy and obnoxious! Although it is better than... Clip of Sara Bareilles - "Brave" Todd (VO): Sara Bareilles singing about my brave. Sara Bareilles: Show me how big your brave is! Todd (VO): The hell did that mean? Todd:Yeah, baby, I'll show you how big my brave is. Alessia: No scars to your beautiful... Todd (VO): Scars to Your Beautiful... like... I don't know, it kinda sounds like a curse, right? Todd: Pfft! Beautiful... Scars to your beautiful! And sucks to your ass-mar! Alessia:Maybe we have made her blind So she tries to cover up her pain and cut her woes away Todd (VO): But what scars is she talking about? Well, she doesn't just mean emotional scars, but also... Alessia: She praises an image She prays to be sculpted by the sculptor Todd (VO): Yes girls, the enemy is plastic surgery. And she is right. The messages that the cosmetic surgery industry gives little girls is awful. Todd: And I'll tell you why: plastic surgery is expensive! Like, a good tummy tuck, that can go all the way up to $15,000. I don't have $15,000! That's way too much! [Clip of "Scars to Your Beautiful"] Todd (VO): You can get it for less, but the cheap stuff tends to leave scars and we don't want any scars to your beautiful. Yeah, I guess this is a...this is a song against low quality plastic surgeons I guess. I mean if you've got that money...sure, why not. Alessia: To cover up her pain and cut her woes away Todd (VO): I don't know, I if it's that big of a deal. We shouldn't have people forgetting, but most people who do get plastic surgery, they're glad they did it. I mean... good return on their investment! Todd:I don't know, we have this weird relationship with plastic surgery, and "Oh, plastic surgery is bad!" There's an implied "people who get plastic surgery are shallow and they need to love themselves more". Clip of "All About That Bass" Todd (VO): It's not quite Meghan Trainor shit on the pretty peopl jealousy, but it's kind of edging up to it, ya knowthat. Alessia:And you don't have to change a thing The world could change its heart Todd (VO): Yeah, beauty shouldn't matter as much as the ads tell you it does, but it also doesn't matters zero. Todd: I think that's my problem with the song, I feel like the song, it's trying too hard. Like, you know... [Clip of...] Todd (VO): In Disney's Hunchback, when the gargoyles are trying to tell him he's like, super attractive. Hugo:You've got a look That's all your own, kid Todd (VO): I mean, spoilers: she still ends up with the traditionally handsome good-looking guy! Which, yeah, who's surprised? Gargoyles:No question of She's gotta love A guy like you! Todd (VO): No, you plot-irrelevant liars! She doesn't! She won't! ["Scars to Your Beautiful"] Todd (VO): And Alessia Cara sounds the same way! She doesn't know you! She just sounds patronizing! Alessia: Light that's shining Deeper than the eyes can find it Alessia: Oh, she don't see the light that's shining Let me be your mirror Help you see a little bit clearer the light that shines within Todd (VO): That's your message, "you're beautiful on the inside"? That's an insult! If I get an F on a test, telling me I got an A on the inside, that's not gonna cheer me up. Todd: [spits] That's dishonest, am I right? "TODD TO FANS: YOU'RE UGLY!" Todd (VO): No, no, no, no, I'm not saying that! I mean, it does seem like I'm saying that, but I'm actually... God, I hate reviewing these songs! ["Scars to Your Beautiful"] Todd (VO): Look, maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead. Fine, the song is generic and overdone. There are worse things. Don't starve yourself. Don't put all your hopes in plastic surgery. Todd: Love yourself. These are good messages. No scars to your beautiful. None of that Alessia: So she tries to cover up her pain and cut her woes away Todd: Actually, hold on, is she doing plastic surgery to herself? Alessia: And cut her woes away Todd: Or, wait a minute... Is this song about cutting yourself? I mean, I haven't seen Alessia Cara or anyone saying that that's what it is about. Todd: Now it makes sense. ['Scars to Your Beautiful'] Todd (VO): [superimposed image of a woman whose arms are covered in written band-aids] I mean, cutting yourself, it's unhealthy. It's something people do to relieve depression, it leaves scars... Todd: Makes this song a lot more more sense than plastic surgery, really... ['Scars to Your Beautiful'] Todd (VO): Actually, yeah, I believe that's secretly what this song is about. It works a lot better, it's a good message, yeah! [image of a self-harm hotline] Kids, don't cut yourselves, cutting yourself is bad. Todd: Jesus! When did music get this depressing?! Alessia: Beauty is pain and there's beauty in everything" "What's a little bit of hunger?" Todd (VO): Actually, I've changed my mind. The reason why this song is bad isn't because it's clichéd, or it's condescending... Todd: ...it's because it's such a goddamned buzzkill! Todd (VO): I mean, I tell you guys that pop music is becoming an unending slog of grim and misery in the past 12 months. Todd: Well, look at this! This is what an uplifting, self-empowerment pop anthem sounded like just five years ago! Todd:Four years ago! Todd:Two years ago! Todd:One year ago. Todd: I don't even like those songs! Todd (VO): But at least they're happy... they're positive, they don't reek of pity. ['Scars to Your Beautiful'] Todd (VO): Like, if Alessia Cara was trying to make a sad song, that's one thing, but she's trying to make a pump-up anthem! Yes, call and response! It has big "woah-woah-woahs". Todd: For the record, there shouldn't be anything wrong with going "Woah-woah-woah" in pop music. But... Clip of Quartz explaining about the "millennial whoop" Todd (VO): It's become such an overused cliche in pop music they even gave it a goddamned name! Todd: And there's a particular case of "Whoa-whoa-whoa" that's been used here. [Alessia going "woooooah"] Todd (VO): It's the same "Whoa-whoa" everyone uses as they want to make a boring, thin-sounding song seem bigger than it is. Instances of said "millennial whoop" in Coldplay - "Paradise", Imagine Dragons - "Radioactive", and Charlie Puth -"See You Again" Todd (VO): You see! ['Scars to Your Beautiful'] Todd (VO): "Scars to Your Beautiful" is using the language of sadness! I mean, here's a verse where a girl starves, maybe even dies... Alessia: "What's a little bit of hunger?" "I can go a little while longer," she fades away Clip of Lady Gaga - "Born This Way" Todd (VO): OK, Imagine if Lady Gaga had written "Born This Way", but instead the verses went: "My mama told me when I was young: I don't accept you, get out of my house!" Todd: "I ended homeless, living on the street, and addicted to heroin... " "Scars to Your Beautiful" Alessia: No better you than the you that you are Todd (VO): If you get positive vibes out of this song, cool. I don't. To me, it's entirely negative. It's just so tedious. It's platitude-filled drivel, with the depth of a dubbed commercial, sung by someone who realized "hey, did you notice society puts too much emphasis on looks?" Well, you don't say, Alessia Cara. You bore me! Todd: Well, this was yet another day I shat on someone for trying to be positive. Yep. Doing good work, Todd! Uh, stay in school, say no to drugs? Meh. Alessia:We're stars and we're beautiful
|
![[RDF Data]](/fct/images/sw-rdf-blue.png)