| abstract
| - The Nerd: We're talking some real intense shit right here. We're talking Ninja Gaiden. Everyone always said "Ninja Gayden", but I know for a fact it's Gaiden. You know where I learned that? From The Wizard. Video Armageddon Sign-In Man: Ninja Gaiden! (exclaims) The Nerd: Yeah. Back then, nobody knew how to pronounce the names. It's like in Street Fighter. We didn't know "Rai-yu" was actually Ryu. Blanka, some people say "Blank-a", but there's no way it could be that, because Blank-a sounds like blanket, man. The Nerd: Anyway, Ninja Gaiden, to me, is one of the most memorable games of the 8-bit era. While the arcade version was a Double Dragon-style beat-'em-up, the NES version is an adrenaline-charged sidescroller. Every second counts when you're slashing away at enemies and hopping platforms, and learning how to bounce back and forth between walls is a necessity. As an added bonus to its hot gameplay, excellent graphics and music, it was also one of the first games to have cutscenes. Common nowadays, sure, but back then, gamers hadn't seen anything like it. So epic. The Nerd: The story follows a ninja named Ryu who travels to America to avenge his father's death. It seemed everyone always assumed that it was the same Ryu from Street Fighter, but I'm pretty sure there's no relation. To further perpetuate this alleged tie-in, they had to name Ryu's father Ken. Okay, Ryu and Ken? How could you not think Street Fighter? The Nerd: As the story unfolds, it turns out before Ken was killed, he was working together with archaeologist Walter Smith. They were the safe-keepers of two demon statues that, when combined, would awaken an ancient demon that had previously been defeated by SHINOBI. Yeah, Shinobi, as in the Sega franchise. This game is a whole network of ninja cross-references. The Nerd: The sequels continued to have awesome cutscenes, and throughout the series, Ryu would always say "What the...?" "What the...?" "WHAT THE...?" What was he gonna say? "What the fuck?" Oh, and what is going on there? The Nerd: It always kept you waiting to see what would happen next. Your reward for beating the level was that you get to see the next part of the story. Its cinematic style contained elements of anime and film noir. Throw that together with some fast-paced, high-stake gameplay, and man, the effect was intoxicating. The Nerd: The only problem with these games is that they're relentlessly difficult and nearly inconceivable to beat. The second game (The Dark Sword of Chaos) incorporated new stage hazards that were never seen before. There's the wind level, where the wind keeps changing direction so you have to time your jumps accordingly. Such a pain in the ass. Then, there's the ice level where you slide all around. And my most hated of all is when everything goes dark. You might as well be playing blindfolded. The Nerd: The third game (The Ancient Ship of Doom) is the worst of all, because up until this point, they had unlimited continues. But not this one. There's nothing more frustrating than to make it really far, and then have to start all the way back from the beginning. The Nerd: I'd say this is the hardest trilogy of games on the NES, even harder than Castlevania. I'm gonna focus on the first Ninja Gaiden. It's been over 20 years, and I still can't beat this son-of-a-bitch. The Nerd: One of the biggest problems is that if an enemy is anywhere near the edge of the screen, they will re-spawn infinitely. The Nerd: (sarcastically) Nice. Thanks for wasting my firepower. The Nerd: The number one most constant issue in this game is getting knocked back. It's the same as in Castlevania. It doesn't matter where you are. No matter which angle you get hit from, it always seems you gravitate towards the nearest hole. The Nerd: Y'know, I've forgotten that this game has a life bar. Yeah, you can actually die if you take enough hits. But whenever you get hit, there's a deathtrap right next to you, so you're always gonna die by falling. You might as well not even have a life bar! The Nerd: Look at this guy. How am I supposed to get past him? (grunts) Fuck! (He groans then grunts twice) Fuck! FUCK! (Yells) FUCK! This is impossible! How am I supposed to beat this?! The Nerd: Please, teach me how to beat Ninja Gaiden. Ninja: Ninja Gaiden? I haven't heard that name in ages. The Nerd: Really? Ninja: Normally they say Ninja... Gayden. The Nerd: Does that mean I'm worthy? Ninja: (laughs) Playing Ninja Gaiden is a secret art. Only the most determined players can defeat it. (exclaims) You must be quick! You must be strategic! Can you learn that, my boy? The Nerd: I've wanted to beat that game all my life. Ninja: You realize, before you can beat the game, the game must beat you. The Nerd: And it has. For the past 20 years, it's kicked my ass. I love the game. I want to complete that love, by finishing it. Ninja: Very well. The Nerd: Fuck! Ninja: Sloppy! Is the game controlling you, or are you controlling the game? The Nerd: (groans) I keep getting stuck on the wall! Ninja: Ninja must be master of his environment. The Nerd: Now what the fuck was that? Oh, come on, how was I supposed to know a bat was coming?! Ninja: A ninja must look beyond the borders of the screen. The Nerd: Got him. Oh, there was another bat! Ninja: (chortles) Try again! Practice! Unlimited continues means no Game Over. Game is only over when you make it over! The Nerd: What am I supposed to do? The bats keep coming! Ninja: You must move! How is one to advance if you waste all your energy on one enemy? The Nerd: (grunts) Your mother! Ninja: You must not act too quick or too late. Perceive the victory in your head and your perceived future will be your present. The Nerd: (ecstatically) Yeah! Ninja: Good. The Nerd: No! I jumped the bat, got killed by a cat! That's the way this whole game is. It's just an endless cycle of things that kill you, like a checkmate. Ninja: (moans) Nerd, checkmate does not exist unless you make it exist. Think between the spaces, Nerd. If you set a course for the moon and merely follow the stars... then you will miss that which you have set forth. Hmm? Hmm? The Nerd: Look at all this shit! There's a million flying enemies! And they all respawn quicker than I can attack! Ninja: You're playing with anger! Anger does not exist. Pain... does not exist. Defeat does not exist! The Nerd: (groans) Ninja: Before you leap, you must look. The Nerd: I looked, I looked! Ninja: Before you look, you must think. Ninja: Before you think, you must feel! The Nerd: (yells) Ninja: Before you feel, you must-- The Nerd: I've had enough! Ninja: Come. Show me your thumbs. The Nerd: What? Ninja: Your thumbs! The Nerd: My thumbs? Ninja: Like this! The Nerd: What? Ninja: Try it. Ninja: Faster! Ninja: You are slow as sloth taking shit! Come, we will develop speed! Ninja: Q-tip. When I drop Q-tip, you catch with thumb! Ninja: Too slow. Again! (softly) Hai. The Nerd: (groans) Ninja: Again. Ninja: Very, very slow! Ninja: Too slow! One more time! (slaps the Nerd again.)Focus! Ready? (grunts) Ninja: I teach you not to fail! (exclaims) Ninja: We learn rhythm. Speed is rhythm. Rhythm is life. Ninja: (Exclaiming in fake Japanese) See? The Nerd: This is impossible! How's a human being supposed to be faster than a machine? Ninja: Game machine! Machine predictable! You, not! The Nerd: What? Ninja: No chop-a off-a! The Nerd: (groans) The Nerd: (Grunts angrily) This is bullshit! Ninja: (moans in disappointment) The Nerd: (in shock and disbelief) That's unbelievable! Ninja: With that attitude, you'll never succeed! (A montage of the Nerd practicing various things with the ninja, accompanied by the "Ninja Gaiden" Stage 4-2, end credits music. First, the Nerd tries playing the game. Then, he re-attempts the fan trick, failing again. The Nerd appears to be getting better at the game. Next he tries the Q-tip trick again, but also fails. He plays some more, once again getting better. Then the ninja and Nerd appear in a "Ninja Gaiden" backdrop, practicing what appears to be martial arts. Next they play thumb wrestling on a Power Pad, and the ninja wins. They do the Q-tip move one more time, and this time the Nerd succeeds. He also succeeds at the fan technique. He plays the game more, and then he practices his martial arts again. Next, they do thumb exercises involving the NES controllers, and finally, thumb push-ups on the Power Pad.) The Nerd: (excitedly) Final boss, final boss! Ninja: You have three final bosses. The Nerd: The first boss isn't too hard, once you know how it's done. But the second boss is a nightmare. His fireballs never miss; they follow you everywhere you go. The Nerd: (angrily) Are you fucking kidding me? I'm all the way back at Stage 6-1? That's fucking horseshit! You die on the boss, you go all the way back?! Ninja: You die, you go back. You must learn discipline! The Nerd: But how am I supposed to practice on the boss? As soon as I start to learn the pattern, I die and I have to go through the last stages all over again. The hardest section of the whole game is this part right here! (A section from stage 6-2 is shown) The Nerd: It would be so much easier if I had a throwing item, like a Ninja Star, but this game is very stingy with its special weapons. The ammunition is scarce, and whenever you die, you reset to nothing. Even if you do manage to get to this part with a weapon, it doesn't help much. The Nerd: And once you die, you can't go back and restock. This section contains no weapons, so all you have is your sword. The only way to get past this motherfucker is to trigger a glitch making him disappear, but that only happens if you're really lucky. The Nerd: Then you'll get another shot at the boss, but they don't even have the fucking courtesy to refill your life bar! THAT is sadistic! Whoever programmed this thing, I want to rip their fucking heart out of their ass and show it to them so they can see how cold and black it is before they die! The Nerd: There's no stage select code, and no helpful Game Genie code either. (a set of "Ninja Gaiden" Game Genie codes appears for several seconds) Infinite lives? Yay. Isn't that what you have already? How about putting me back at the boss so I can get another try? At least it lets you skip all the bosses that you've beaten, but it makes me sick to think that there's still one more boss I haven't made it to! The Nerd: I give up. Ninja: You must not give up! No Game Over! The Nerd: (disagreeing) Game's over now! You try! (the Nerd gives the ninja the controller, and so he tries now. However, despite his skill, he too finds himself taking many hits.) Ninja: Fuck! Nunchuck fuck! (gets Game Over and yells) BALLS!! The Nerd: Y'know, the whole fucking trilogy's impossible. The first game sends you back, the second has the stage hazards and the third one has Game Overs. So it's like pick your poison. Well, I got my poison right here.
|
![[RDF Data]](/fct/images/sw-rdf-blue.png)