| abstract
| - ❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅ Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday — Fall Out Boy, Just One Yesterday WHEN I OPEN MY EYES, the first thing I see is a haze of violet smoke. I blink rapidly, and the sheen of purple dissipates, replaced by Greer's face. "Where am I?" "Training cavern. You have a mission." I reach for something to say and find myself clawing at nothingness: there is a pit in my stomach and my chest. What used to be there? I search Greer's face for answers and find nothing but void. "You will go to the place you went this morning and you shall end it." "End it," I repeat. My voice is hollow. Something kicks in the emptiness within me. A face: large eyes, light brown and dark green, delicate ears, small pink nose. Who is she? "Everly," I whisper confusedly. "What?" asks Greer sharply. "End it," I swiftly amend. I dip my head at her. Again, reach for something else to say. Nothing. No emotion, no thoughts. Like my innards have been carved out. "I will not fail." "Of course you won't." She touches her nose to my forehead. Her eyes are like green fire. "You are my wolf." Within a few minutes, I am racing down the side of Thorn Mountain. I know where I am going: into the valley. Something cold sits in my stomach, urging me on, filling me with bloodlust. I can see only Greer's face, hear only her voice. End it. I must end it. I am her wolf; I always have been. I reach the bottom of the mountain, the valley spreading out in front of me in a patchwork of white and deep green. The trees stand sentinel, boughs creaking in the wind. Small creatures whisper through the underbrush, but they have nothing to fear from me tonight. I am not here for them; I am on a mission, and I must get there as soon as possible. Journey along the path scented heavily with pine--as if a cat had dragged a branch through the snow earlier. Skirt the pine with the twisted trunk, leap the three fallen logs, and... there it is. A slab of large rock. I head straight for the gap I know is between the rock and the ground and use my weight to push the rock aside slightly. A little earth crumbles down into the hidden chamber before. "Everly?" calls a voice. "Is that you?" I let out a low, menacing growl. "I have come to end it." Before I can leap into the underground chamber, two cats crawl out into the moonlight. The she-cat gives me a suspicious look. "What are you doing back here? Is there trouble? Are we discovered?" I don't give her time to think. I leap on top of her and bear her to the ground with my weight. She pummels me in the chest, pushing me back. I grab her foreleg and wrench it to the side, exposing her flanks to my claws. She screams, but I cut it off with a blow to the side of her head. Growl low in her ear, feel her shaking beneath me. Sink my teeth into her throat before she knows what's happening. Blood fountains out, drenching her coat in scarlet, filling my mouth. My eyes lock with her panic-stricken ones. A name flashes across my numb mind. Dawnlight. She spasms in my grasp, and then goes limp. The weight of her, blood, flesh, broken bones. I let her go, and she falls to the ground. I turn, looking for the second cat, the tom. Something heavy and large crashes into my head. Pain explodes like fire across my skull, and I collapse in a frenzy of orange and red flames of agony. When I awake, I am lying in the middle of a snowy clearing. I feel odd, groggy, like someone scraped me clean and then clumsily refilled me with everything I am made of, but they got all the essential parts wrong. A cat, a tom, sits across from me. Riverfrost. "Sorry about the rock I slammed into your head," he says. "But you killed Dawnlight. I couldn't let you kill me too." "What?" What is he talking about? "I helped save you and Dawnlight," I say sharply. "Yes, yesterday morning. And then last night you appeared at our hiding spot with a dead look in your eye and the look of death on your face, and you killed her." I stagger to my feet. The side of my head is matted with congealed blood, and a wave of dizziness rushes over me as I sway on my paws. "No..." I chose to help Everly. I chose life. But I should've known: I cannot. I am death, I am Greer's wolf, it is all I was ever made to be. I shouldn't have followed Everly. If I didn't know the location of the hiding place, if I hadn't been away all day and aroused Greer's suspicions, this never would've happened. But... how? How had I somehow gone to kill Dawnlight in the middle of the night? "You were drugged," says Riverfrost shortly. I snap to face him. "What?" "The flower asara. Beautiful purple leaves. Deadly, dangerous effects. It is a powerful drug; it allows for numbing of the emotions and senses, and therefore an open mind susceptible to being controlled. Extended use strips everything away from you... but it is addicting, so that not using it leads to withdrawal and all manner of other consequences. Horrible consequences." "How do you know all of this?" He hesitates. Then: "Because I lost a lot to it." "You... you've been drugged with it before?" Riverfrost gazes at me for a moment that lasts forever. Then he says, "It's not just the asara, Lucifer. It's the blood that flows in your veins. I've told you before, your mother was a brave and beautiful she-cat--but you also inherited your father's blood. He was the worst kind of cat, a coward. There's nothing worse than someone who can't stand for what they believe in." "You don't know anything about me," I snarl angrily. I am suddenly realizing that not all the blood that covers me is my own. My stomach pitches in revulsion. "I didn't kill anyone." "You took Dawnlight by her throat and burst her open. I've never seen anyone bleed out so quickly." Riverfrost speaks calmly, but there is something beyond disgust in his eyes. "Why did you just knock me out, then? Why not kill me?" I demand. He pauses, as if debating something with himself. Then he shakes his head. "Better you never know. Return to the mountain, Lucifer. Do not worry about what I just told you." "What? The fact that I'm an... an addict?" Riverfrost flinches. "Go back to the mountain. Tell Greer that you've done it. Ended it." "But you're not dead." "You're right." He meets my eyes with a steady gaze. "Can you do it? Kill me." I snarl and leap at him. My claws latch onto the snow barely a whisker's-length in front of him. I stare directly into his face. "Next time we meet, you won't be spared. Go into hiding. I never want to see you again." Something twists in his face as he looks at me. He nods once. Looks away. "Good bye, Lucifer." He sounds like he's being strangled. I teeter on the edge of apologizing for murdering Dawnlight in front of him. But I don't. I turn and do what he told me to: race back up Thorn Mountain like my life depends on it. I am out of breath and exhausted by the time I get back to the peak. The other cats are just beginning to awaken. Guard shifts are changing, and the first hunting patrol of the day is assembling. Greer stands outside the main cavern, ignoring the Clan leaders' requests for her help in organizing everyone. She is waiting for me, I know, and I make a beeline for her. "Well?" "I ended it." I am a liar. A liar and a murderer. What sin isn't in my repertoire? "Neither of those cats will ever speak again." She doesn't look satisfied. "Why did you spare them, Lucifer? You told me you had carried out the Collection. They couldn't have escaped--there isn't a cat on the planet who rivals your skills. Why did you let them go? Who put you up to it?" Her voice is calm, but her face is a deadly mask. "Are you obeying the orders of anyone but me?" The face--the multi-colored eyes and delicate features--flashes across my mind once again. "No," I say. I'm not even lying this time. Everly didn't order me to help her. "Then why?" Greer demands. "Why did you let Riverfrost and Dawnlight go? Answer me!" "Riverfrost--he got inside my head for a little bit. But I stuck to my training. I pushed him out of my mind." A wild look enters Greer's eyes. "What did he tell you, Lucifer? What lies did he feed you to try to get you to doubt your mission?" I am surprised by the intensity on her face; is this fear? "I... He was just trying to guilt me. He doesn't know how terrible, how ruthless I am." Greer doesn't believe me. I wouldn't either if I was her; my story makes no sense. But all she says is, "Extra training today. We must make up for lost time." I nod. "I'll meet you in the training cavern." "I'll be there soon. Eat breakfast--you've been out all night. I had Cecily set aside some prey for you. Then we'll start." I trot into the main cavern and start towards the fresh-kill pile--then stop. I look at the three mice set aside specially for me. They take such care of me; Greer always makes sure her wolf is well-fed. To keep my strength up. To make sure I am at my maximum. A shadowy thought creeps into my mind. I pick up the mice and check that Greer is gone before sneaking outside. I dig a deep trench in the snow lower on the mountain and bury the mice, careful not to let my teeth penetrate the fragile skin as I place them in the hole. I am hungry, but there's no time to pick another piece of prey from the regular fresh-kill pile before I have to go meet Greer. I run back to the training cavern. She awaits me. "Done?" I nod, licking my lips. "Mice. One of my favorites." She nods. "Cecily said that. She caught them. A magnificent hunter, she is." "You must be... proud." "She is only my daughter. There are other things in this world." Greer's lips curve into a sneer. "Right, my wolf?" Not her only daughter. Only her daughter. I think of Cecily, growing up with her, playing and talking and laughing, the closet thing I've ever had to a friend. Then I think of her standing beside Greer, an exact replica of her mother. The way she walked away countless times when I was being trained, on the floor, choking on my own blood, begging her for help. "It's for your own good." The excuses. Who is she? "Lucifer. Focus." Greer's voice snaps me back to reality. I take a deep breath, steading myself. Then I rush at her. She dodges easily, doing a flip so that she lands on my back. As soon as her claws touch my fur, I buck violently. A normal cat would've hit the wall and passed out, but Greer uses the wall as a launcher, slamming back into me and knocking me to the floor. "What is wrong with you?" she snarls angrily. "Slow." She drivers her paw into my ribs. "Clumsy." Another blow, this time to my cheek. "A failure." Her voice hits a peak. She grabs me by the scruff of my neck and slings me at the wall. My paws skid on the stone floor, and my head hits the wall with a crack. Ordinarily, I would've gotten back up immediately, but the impact is exactly where Riverfrost hit me with a rock earlier. The pain is excruciating. My stomach heaves, but there's nothing inside to vomit up. I have never known pain like this. I cannot think. My breath rattles in my throat. My knees buckle. Above it all: "Count. Count. COUNT!" "One." My voice is a rasp. The cold steals back over my body, but it is dull and hardly effective. The fire of pain is winning. "Two." A plea. Desperate. But the sheer force of willpower that has always protected me from pain is broken. "Better. Push yourself when you cannot anymore." Greer finally sounds pleased. "Count, Lucifer. Count, you worthless rat." The world is growing murky. "Three, four..." I hear pawsteps, getting farther away. Greer has left me to suffer through this alone. Then another set of pawsteps, lighter, softer. A quiet, horrified voice. "Oh, stars. Lucifer?" I roll onto my back, forcing my eyes open. Blinking back the blood dripping into my eyes, I see Everly peering down at me. A scream builds inside me, unable to escape. I killed Dawnlight. Greer knew something was up; she drugged me and made me go after them, the cats you risked everything to save. You shouldn't have trusted me. She has to know what I've done. "No," I whisper as she tries to lick the blood off my fur. "I'll get Miko. You need help." "No." I deserve this. I can remember now, the feel of Dawnlight under me, writhing in my grasp, the taste of her blood. "Don't help me." "One, two, three, four, five." Everly counts quietly in my ear as she tries to stop the bleeding. It is not the numbers that dull the pain. It is not the cold that comes, the numbness the numbers bring. It is Everly's voice. A small warmth that flares inside me, driving away the darkness of pain. Everly, who doesn't know what I've done. I black out.
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