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| - I entered the dusty room (sword drawn). It had been months since I had last entered (this room) here. It seemed like nothing had been disturbed, but I knew better. Lagode followed me into the room,sneezing repeatedly. "Didn't you ever dust in here?" asked Lagode,between sneezes. --- Not bothering to answer,I continued searching the floorboards for the item I had placed there so many months ago. Lagode viewed the room with much distaste showing on his face. He sliced through a particularly strong cobweb with his sword and sneezed again. "I was gone for at least a year,but I can still remember-Aha! I found it!" I said as I bent over to pull out an ancient tome out from underneath a loose floorboard. "You hid the only book with all your families' genealogy under a floorboard?" Lagode asked incredulously. "Hey,I'm not some rich pretty boy living in a mansion!" I quickly defended, annoyed at his tone. "You know, I ran out of space and forgot to build that bookshelf...." my sentence trailed off as I remembered how care-free my life used to be.(or some other memory lol) (annoyed by Lagode's displeasure.) Lagode pursed his lips, as if about to say something, but thought better of it. "Alright,just open the book to the-" Lagode was cut short when the house suddenly shuddered and at the same time, the loud cracking sound of splintering wood from the front door reached them. (the house was wooden I assume, so structures tend to be less steady than brick. Include actions here of how your characters react to this change of scenery. Shock or surprise for either one would be an interesting note of personality and make your characters seem less like emotionless robots. Also Don't forget to include actions of them unsheathing swords: "Unsheathing his sword slowly, Lagode edged to the wall next to the rooms closed door, with me following suit.", etc.) (by the sound of the door being kicked in.) The sound of many feet (swords being unsheathed) could be heard from somewhere down the hallway, actually it could be heard from the neighbors house. I had been meaning to fix that problem by using heavier wood for the flooring.(the Living room.) The musical creak of floorboards sounded as if the intruders planned to sneak through the house. Lagode and I stood silently against the wall next to the door, swords in hand, should someone attempt to enter the room. (Don't forget that this is written from the perspective of a character in the story, not the authors view. This means that the character will often not see things straight away for what they are, but what he thinks they are. (ie, the hooting of a white barn owl outside at night is apparent to the author, but to a character in the story it will sound like the night birds haunting/forlorn cry to the night air. Not until he sees the owl will he know what it is, or what colour it is.) ("I'd say there are four of them,and maybe a few more outside..." whispered Lagode.) --- Lagode held up four fingers, indicating that there were probably four or more people in the house.--- feel free to add personal commentary here. As this story is written in first person perspective, you can include thoughts of your character freely to add depth to the story. "If they split up,we can take them out one-by-one." I whispered back, also thinking to myself that I'd personally like to know why they're inside my house in the first place. "Denill,check those two rooms. If Lagode's not here,then maybe our source isn't as truthful as we first suspected...." said one of the intruders. (This line sounds very scripted and information giving. It gets the point across alright, the only problem is that it's like reading spoilers. You can give too much information for the reader, try to keep it subtle so that the reader continues to be curious about the story.) "You, check the rooms down there." said a voice downstairs. "he's around here somewhere, I can feel it." (this way little is given besides the fact that the intruders are searching for a man. No info about a source is given as it isn't necessary to speak about private matters while hunting a man.) "Yes sir. Maybe you're right,I make it a point never to trust drunks...." responded someone else. (It is uncommon to add social commentary along with the word "sir" besides sarcasm, thus it seems unrealistic that he should do so, as well as the fact that with the men currently hunting Lagode, they aren't really thinking about talking to a drunk man. Actually, he doesn't even have to say yessir, just hunt & kill... unless he's a cheap mercenary?) "He wasn't a drunk,he was pretending to be a drunk,you fool! Anyway,I didn't see anything in the other rooms,Sarge." replied a third voice. (Ignoring the fact that this is not the place to be talking about stranger-danger, If the Person in charge is ranked in some military order, then the soldiers have a certain way of speaking that gets to the point quickly with little small talk. ie: "The other rooms are empty, Sir!" Lagode made his decision. He pulled out small pouch,pulled on the string,and threw it into the hallway. I heard a shout,then silence. I looked into the hall,and was met with the sight of a murky gas filling the hallway,and three men knocked out cold lying on the floor. I wrinkled my nose,the smell was oddly familiar. (What did Lagode make his decision about? what made him switch from sword to gas bomb? What type of pouch was it? How did he stop the smell escaping before? Where did he pull the pouch from? There is a huge opportunity to add lots of detail to the story to entertain the reader here. --- Grinning to himself, Lagode reached into his satchel/inside coat pocket/belt and pulled out a small vial. It had what looked like a wax seal on the top, and was filled with something black. Before I could see what was inside, he leaped in front of the doorway, opened the door, and threw the vial as far as he could down it. I heard the vial break on something before he slammed the door shut and leaned against it. The intruders had obviously heard the door slamming and the sound of many feet could be heard running on the other side of the door. "What are you doing?!" I yelled in panic. How could we beat them now, I thought to myself. Lagode had just given away the element of suprise and there was no time to run away anymore. But Lagode just grinned while looking at me. Was he mad? I tried looking for an exit as the sound of running feet got closer. Before I started to bolt out a window, I heard crashing and swearing from behind the door. A few loud thumps later, the house was silent again except for the drumming of my heartbeat. I wrinkled my nose, a drift of air passing by smelled revolting and yet strangely familiar. "Lagode...." I looked accusingly in his direction while pinching my nose shut. (Always be sure to make all your spoken text have some meaning. Movies can do this easier because they can have visual meanings.) "Wow,it actually worked! I must remember to go there more often...He must be the first elf I've met who wasn't afraid to get his hands dirty....." (in ye olde days o' lore, yonder peoples never said "wow." This is a common expression nowadays, similar to "Oh my god...") (Also, sounds scripted and information giving. This is a story, not an essay hehehe. :D If you want to get the point across that Lagode had been buying favors from shady elves, then break it up in several pieces as the main character keeps pressing him for details.) "Great rotting whales!( if he's been to the beach maybe, or other similar expressions of shock that could relate to the character)" He exclaimed in shock while covering his nose, "that elf could have given more warning about the foul stench!" (will add more later, g2g for a few hours) Zig 06:54, 13 August 2009 (UTC) "Lagode..." "Wow,I knew it smelled bad,but I didn't know it was this strong....I should get more..." "Lagode!" I finally shouted. "Hmm...?" Lagode responded,as he nudged a body with his boot. (attempting to get someones attention makes your main character seem childish unless he has something important to say, For example: "Sir! Sir! The greeks are attacking!" as opposed to: "Mom! Mooom! MOM, I'm hungry!" Instead you could possibly have your character patiently wait until Lagode has finished rambling on, and then give him an inquiring look to show him that you are interested in what he's talking about.) "What is this stuff?? And why does it smell...vaguely familiar?" I asked. (Just for the record, you can still mention that the smell is familiar in his thoughts so that he doesn't have to say it out loud. Unless your character doesn't have a secretive or conserved attitude. But it's fine the way you've written it!) "Burnt potato,decomposed watermelon,and a month old slice of apple pie." answered Lagode,who still wasn't paying much attention."Oh,yeah,you probably remember it because I always kept some around my...dwelling...in the Wilderness." (Sounds delicious :P also mysteriously strange that he needed to bring the ingredients to the elf to mix. Perhaps the elf mentioned that he needed sources of rare molds...) Lagode finally made up his mind and grabbed the sergeant's bag. It was empty,except for a symbol,in which was carved, "Fin Dralor:" (Don't forget to mention Lagode needs to walk into the gas to get to the fallen bodies. If the gas has thinned out or faded away, mention that as well. Mention how Lagode works out how the bag is empty. For instance: tipping the bag upside down, or peering into it. What type of symbol was it? Was it a metal piece sewn into the bag, so the letters could be carved into it? Also, how did Lagode know that Fin Dralor wasn't the sergeants' name? After all, the sergeant was wearing the bag in the first place.) Lagode paused for a moment. peering at the name. "Come on,we're going." he said, suddenly standing up. (You can't say 'suddenly' without writing about something for someone to suddenly do something out of, or it can sound detached from the story.) "Where?" I asked,dumbfounded. (very good) "To see a man named 'Fin Dralor'" He said,walking off. (good good, it sounds as if Lagode knows the man personally) All in all, your writing has improved considerably. I'm very impressed! Zig 01:25, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
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