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* Archie Comics: If you've been chasing the same boy for ages, and he barely acknowledges your existence unless he needs homework help, his car fixed, or a rebound date, by all means keep pursuing him. He's bound to choose you over the Rich Bitch someday.
* A sure way to keep your girlfriend is to beat the shit out of any guy who so much as asks her for the time. That's not scary at all.
* All girls just love dropping everything they're doing to participate in an impromptu beauty contest in bikinis or tight ski suits. They're waiting for you boys to ask them.
* Show your students you trust them by allowing your two most clumsy and careless pupils to conduct unsupervised experiments in the chemisrty la--BOOOM!!!
* The Archie Marries Betty/Archie Marries Veronica side story: Marry The Betty or your life, and the lives of all those connected to you, will suck.
* Batman: Even though killing that one unimprisonable, homicidal psychopath would save untold numbers of innocent lives, don't do, it, because all life is valuable as long as it isn't that of minor characters or innocent civilians, who fucking cares about them?
* The best way to deal with your parents' deaths is to dress up as a bat and beat people to within an inch of their lives.
* All-Star Batman and Robin: The best way to help a boy whose parents have just been murdered before his eyes is to kidnap him from the police who were trying to help him, abuse him verbally and physically, stick him in your dark, spooky lair all alone overnight, and make him catch bats for food. Not only will he not go completely bugfuck insane and/or try to kill himself; he'll be forever grateful and loyal to you.
* The Killing Joke: Always, always use the peephole.
* Captain America: If a mysterious professor offers to inject your body with steroids to serve your country, do accept. You'll become a bad-ass Super-Soldier fighting for America.
* Captain Marvel: Kids, follow mysterious old men into subway tunnels. You'll be rewarded with superpowers!
* Civil War: The best thing you can do for your friends and allies who want to fight evil is to throw them into a parallel universe prison that slowly drains them of happiness. They'll thank you, once they sign on to be de facto drafted soldiers for the US Government and assuming they don't go insane from despair and blow their own heads off.
* Holy shit! Is that the guy everyone saw die of cancer just a few years ago - SHUT UP AND FIGHT!
* Alternately: It doesn't matter how much property you destroy or how many people you hurt and kill as long as you're doing it for the right reasons. Anyone who says differently or tries to stop you from doing this in any way is an evil Fascist.
* The best way to prove you don't need government oversight is by declaring open rebellion against the government and attempting to change a legally passed Congressional law by force of arms.
* Yeah, screw the Founding Fathers! Bunch of insurrectionists. Who needs that bill of rights shit? Congress is made up of our betters; they should have complete control of an army made up of super-powered slaves.... for the children, of course.
* It it okay to arrest a serving US soldier if they say they're not going to enforce a law that isn't even actually a law yet, even if said soldier isn't actually in your Chain of Command and has not received official orders yet.
* Conversely on Civil War and in a way Marvel Comics as a whole... Dont bother asking any authority figure on Earth for help...EVER because no one can be trusted. The US Government (as mentioned above) wants nothing but a legion of superhuman slaves most likley to either enslave or kill off a large portion of Ordinary Humans. While the Superheroes post-Civil War now appear to look like Super Dicks who (while they used to keep those thoughts to themselves) would rather Slam their heads into a steel wall instead of having to save our sorry asses on a weekly basis.
* Deadpool: Being completely batshit insane and hideously mutilated is the only way to be cool. Also, courtesy Cable, it's OK to be the biggest dick in the universe so long as you happen to be from the future, even if you're basically doing something just to make the US look stupid and get your old girlfriend back. Also, harbouring terrorists: fine. Killing or even imprisoning unstable unrepentant mass murderers: not okay, if they're your friend.
* Also, if you're Deadpool it's okay to torture and imprison your friends. Even if you leave him for dead at an evil hideout, Weasel will always love you. Like you. Have Stockholm syndrome for you. You get the idea. Actually, I'm not sure this one isn't supposed to be warped.
* As long as you are morbidly snarky, you can kill as many people as you want for profit and/or fun, and everyone will love you.
* Though in-universe, it doesn't matter how much you want to change your ways or how much good you've done- if the good guys think you're too annoying, they'll never forgive you! (Yes, even if they forgave people far, far worse than you).
* Empowered: Just because trying to follow your dreams has thus far resulted in nothing but pain, humiliation, and daily brushes with death, rape, and other unpleasantness is no reason for you to give up. Keep trying! It'll feel really good when you finally get it right! ...For about five minutes. Then it's back to getting beat down, tied up, and mocked. But it's totally worth it! Really!
* That immense personal victory you achieved? Yeah, nobody cares. Well, maybe your boyfriend, and your best gal-pal that both of you have UST with. But other than that, don't even bother mentioning it.
* Said gal-pal should totally move in with you two, by the way. Especially while she's suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder! Hell, why not help her bathe and let her sleep in your bed while you're at it? After all, what's a few mixed messages in a time of severe emotional crisis between friends?
* Never let your friends move in with you, even in their times of greates need.
* Your co-workers are assholes. This is an immutable, universal constant. Learn to live with it.
* You will meet all the important people in your life while bound, gagged, and wearing skintight fetish gear.
* If only because you will spend 90% of your time bound, gagged and wearing skintight fetish gear
* The best place to keep Sealed Evil in a Can is on your coffee table, where it will provide surprising sage advice.
* Don't worry about anyone trying to take it off your hands, either. The minute you so much as bring it up in conversation, they'll quickly come up with an excuse to make you keep the damn thing.
* The likeability/personal value of nearly every creature in your universe may be determined by whether or not they like you. Yep, everyone who dislikes or disrespects you in any way is an asshole of the first order, and many of them deserve to be sodomized to death by a fire elemental who looks suspiciously like Rob Zombie. Funny how it works out that way.
* Your super suit's reliabilty varies depending on the degree of your determination/confidence while using it, such as when you had to save the life of your boyfriend; it's ultimate form has only ever appeared at a moment of direst need when you were defending a dear friend. So...given how most of your attempts to defend the public have ended up, one is left to assume you don't care about civilians, or at least aren't as determined about helping them, as your demeanor might otherwise indicate...
* Fables: So you've finally captured the Evil Overlord who drove you out of your homelands, oversaw the rape, torture and murder of untold innocents, and still tried to conquer you in your new home? Great! Offer him citizenship and complete amnesty as long as he promises to behave. By no means should you try him for his atrocities and then execute him or at least imprison him for life.
* There were extenuating circumstances (namely, making a deal with Pinocchio to roll over on his dad), but there might be a Warped Aesop in there that you should always follow agreements and never renege, even if you've agreed to pardon a bloodthirsty tyrant and dictator who you've already got in custody, just because you promised you wouldn't kill him. Doesn't seem like it would have been that hard to promise Pinocchio you'd pardon Geppetto, get the information you need, and THEN off the bastard. It's hard to see someone like Bigby not agreeing to that and then gutting Geppetto himself. Honor? Bah!
* ... except Bigby was forgiven from being a mass murderer himself.
* Thus, if you meet a serial killer with a taste for human flesh, grant him amnesty and offer him a job. He'll turn out to be one of your most valuable allies. Why wouldn't the same logic work for a guy who's basically magic Hitler.
* If you don't forgive the woman who tried to kill and eat you when you were a child, that makes you a bad person, and you'll .
* If at first you don't succeed, quit. Totenkinder defeated Mister Dark, but he later escaped, and that means she can't fight him again.
* If you want to live in peace, model your community after Israel. No country is as peaceful as Israel!
* Jack Chick and all of his tracts:
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* Satan is awesome! He's behind all the great music that's been produced in the twentieth and twenty-first century and, it appears, behind all the scientists and thinkers who're responsible for the scientific and cultural advances we've made as a species over the years. That God fella, on the other hand, stifles freewill and creativity and controls an army of repressive fanatics and dullards.
* Everyone play D&D! It gives you magic!
* That goes double for the guys out there, since it's also a good way to meet hot witch chicks!
* If you are not a Christian, you will lead a much more interesting life, get to do things other than spreading the Word, and you get cool magic powers! Heck, all of the above is true if you happen to be Catholic, Orthodox, or anything that isn't Evangelical Fundamentalist!
* Identity Crisis: The only drawback about brainwashing bad guys (and occasionally, their victims) is that it doesn't stick.
* Countdown To Infinite Crisis: Your teammate is forced to make the hard decision to take the life of an Omnicidal Maniac instead of risking just knocking him out trying for a third option (and hoping his mind control over your most powerful member wears off then). Support her? No. Give her the benefit of the doubt even if you think she screwed up. Oh no! Stand up for her when her adoring public suddenly turns on her en masse. Silly Rabbit! You dive on top of the You Suck dogpile! And never EVER offer any suggestions as to what could've been done instead of killing him! Oh, and the teammate who's secret plans and tech got hijacked to make the Maniac's plans nearly come to fruition? Give him a pass. After all, he didn't kill anybody.
* Infinite Crisis: And that other Omnicidal Maniac? The Psychopathic Manchild who's personally destroyed multiple worlds with a smile? Find a way to reason with him. He's mowed down dozens of your teammates and enjoyed every second of it? Find a way to reason with him. Ask your magic users or reality benders to see if they can take him out? That's not reasoning with him, so don't even think of that.
* Particularly not if he's shown himself capable of dispatching both magic users and reality benders and surviving anything up to and including the destruction of a universe.
* Irredeemable: If you ever make one or two mistakes in your life, everyone will hate you forever. All good work you ever did will be forgotten instantly.
* Also being evil is fun.
* Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: It's okay to kidnap, torture, and murder people in gruesome ways as well as go on killing sprees in public places, because it's pretty much a given that everyone you kill will be a jerk who makes fun of your hair. Also, you can easily get away with murder if a wall is telling you to paint it with blood, because demons are protecting you from consequences.
* Also, while murder and torture for flimsy reasons may be badass, cute, funny, or endearing; rape is NEVER okay. Got it? You murder, you're the Woobie. You rape, you're a Complete Monster.
* Marvel Comics: Tackle homicidal maniacs on your own. Never call for backup.
* Correction: Tackle homicidal maniacs on your own. Never call for backup. Except for Wolverine.
* The government is always evil, any hero who wants to work with them is worse than the Nazis.
* This insane supervillain helped save the world, obviously he's a good guy now and putting him in charge is a good idea! (I'm looking at you Osborne!)
* Don't get married. Unless you were married and had a child before 1980, it will only lead to heartache and/or death.
* Don't be a woman. You will end up tortured for titillation, killed off in the most gruesome way to push the story of the man you love, targeted for sexual abuse etc... Why? Because all women are bitches and will get what they rightfully deserve if they dare to step out of the kitchen where they belong. Suck it bitch!
* This warped Aesop is not just connected to Marvel Comics but nearly every superhero/human related Comic/Tv Show/and or Movie created in the past 20 to 30 years. Any child born with Any superhuman abilities whatsoever (even if their only ability is to bend spoons by squinting as hard as they can.) they will automatically be required to be come a superhero instantly and as such will have absolutely no time for friends, family or even school or a steady paying job as literally All of their awake time will be required to fighting crime and Nothing else because..
* 1. Any and All forms of police and law enforcement are either far too corrupt or incompetent to catch even the most minor of criminals so its up to Superhumans and Only them to do any real police work.
* 2. Even though New York in Marvel Comics has literally Hundreds of superpowered vigilantes only the comics Designated Hero and only him/her alone can save or keep the city safe (the fact that 911 in the Marvel Comics universe still happened even though dozens of adequately superabled heroes were around to stop it was simply Handwaved away with several Reed Richards Is Useless explanations).
* Basically the entire Aseop is centered around the same logic that as long as any living human as the ability to adequately walk, run, and use their hands regardless of age they should be instantly conscripted into military service almost from birth given a automatic rifle and sent directly into the front lines and stay there until they die either from fighting or old age.
* Nine Chickweed Lane: Coming out of the closet requires that you take the torch to your life before coming out and fully embrace the "gay lifestyle." The Gay Lifestyle apparently consisting of proclaiming your homosexuality at every opportunity.
* True art conquers all. True art excuses all.
* Peanuts: If your "friends" abuse you and give you no respect whatsoever, it's better to stay friends with them because it's better to have friends like that than to have no friends at all
* Planet Hulk/World War Hulk: Slaves should remain as slaves. If you free them, they'll destroy a city of a million people and start an interplanetary war trying to get revenge.
* Don't bother trying to find out whether a group of people actually did the atrocious deed you blame them for -- just show up on earth with your gang and beat them into bleeding tatters. And don't listen if they try to explain themselves. You're really really mad now, so that makes everything you do okay.
* Robin: If two of your best friends, mother, and father have all died, step mother is in a mental hospital, step father is missing, step sister tried to seduce you into joining her, um, conquest(?), and the girlfriend you thought was dead turns out to be alive, then you are being an emo wreck for worrying about the state of the city.
* Scott Pilgrim: Women are objects for you to fight over! And they have no purpose in life besides as either a goal or a sex doll.
* Your significant other's ex is a dick and they've got a problem with you? Violence is the only option.
* Spider-Man: the most you can hope for is to hold the inevitable back; nothing you do will have any lasting effect. Vicious supervillains imprisoned? They'll be out well before their sentence is up, even if they're sealed in a concrete block with coma inducers pumped into their bloodstream. Rampaging monsters cured? It's only temporary. Sadistic sociopath killed by his own weapons? Not only will he have something like a dozen replacements and spin-offs, but eventually he'll be back and end up one of the most powerful men in America, even though everyone knows he's a sadistic sociopath. Oh, and you should be afraid of new clothes -- sometimes they turn out to be monsters.
* With great power comes great mobility.
* One More Day: Divorce? Bad. Deal with the Devil? A-OKAY!
* Squirrel Girl: If you're cute enough, you can beat the ever-loving shit out of anything regardless of actual ability
* Superman Anything you do with either with or without superpowers to make the world better will either turn you into either a Genocidal Maniac or a universally Omnicidal ball of DOOM since anything you remotely do to stop crimes gives you such a immense rush or feeling of god like power that either you may try to take over the world or Blow it up at the slightest provocation. Even just the mere act of trying to stop a Abusive Parent from slapping the Crap outta his kid could send you over the edge from law abiding citizen to superhuman dictator with delusions of grandeur.
* Likewise this warped Aesop can be used for any current superman storyline or any other comic story with a superman like character in it (Watchmen, Miracleman, Squadron Supreme the list goes on and on...).
* At World's End: As long as it's not Hitler or robots, guns are bad.
* Red Son: An Earth completely controlled by a single person is bad, but only if that person happens to be an alien. Total control by a human is fine and will in fact lead to a utopia.
* Teen Titans: No matter how experienced the black guy and the cute girl are at leading, the only real leader of any group has to be the white male.
* Teen superhero teams are like any teen group - sooner or later, they will be challenged or replaced by another group of teens who are on drugs or have bad role models. Or, in the worst cases, both.
* Superpowered teenagers should be isolated from adults and repeatedly placed in deadly situations under the guidance of a mentally unstable acrobat.
* Letting groups of teens pick fights with murderous superpowered psychopaths is a great idea, and don't let the shockingly high death rate tell you otherwise!
* X-Men: An unregulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of highly unstable people to have and use deadly superpowers shall not be infringed.
* ...And yet they still also have pro-gun control aesops, because mutant powers don't kill people, guns do.
* Are YOU a Holocaust survivor with mutant abilities? Do you look at the way that mutantkind is treated on Earth and see some disparaging similarities to the atrocities you yourself were forced to suffer through? Do you want to use your Freudian Excuse and powers to make changes to the world and make yourself seem sympathetic to humans? Well, make sure you name your organization the "Brotherhood of EVIL Mutants" and just start blowing shit up, they'll accept you for it eventually!
* No matter how many times you revert to being a murderous terrorist, you'll always be forgiven.
* Minorities should all live on an island off to themselves rather than trying to live with people who aren't their kind.
* Unless you're insane and weren't born a minority.
* Are you slightly different from everyone else? You have to either become a terrorist or a student for a school of superheroes, otherwise you will be hunted, hated, and feared and evil robots will try to kill you. Just because.
* The only trait that determines your place in society is your genetic code.
* Being a mutant and being gay is the same thing.
* Super heroines: Do you have a really lame power? Don't worry, someone will complain and then you'll become an unstoppable badass, superpowerful and evil, or a snarky Ensemble Darkhorse in the Animated adaptation.
* Do you have no superpowers, but an angsty origin story? You'll become a really cool badass who can punch out GODS!
* If you ever surivve a massive beating from a god, everyone will take it as a sign that you are the undeniable victor, and are completely capable of taking on anything in the universe.
* Lab accidents, radioactive materials and new technology will all give you superpowers, so it's totally ok to play in that pool of hazardous waste.
* And if you're a corporation that generates hazardous wastes, it's ok for you to dump them in areas that kids can get to. Actually, you're doing the kids a favor by giving them superpowers.
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