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| - The first history of Malaysial began when a Palembang Prince, Parameswara a.k.a "Prince Esh" from Palembang (because he was Palembang Prince) got involved in a bar fight and insulted the king's momma. The king threatened to beat the shit and intestines out of Prince Esh so he fled with 3 wives, 4 mistresses, 2 lackeys, 80 mothers, 20 fathers, 10 grandfathers and 25 US Marines, 300 slaves, and a partridge in a pear tree to Singapore after visiting his close associate Mr. Mister and finding that it was too boring. Anyways, he founded the city state of Celaka which prospered for hundreds and thousands of years, much to the disbelief of Singaporeans, who at that time consisted entirely of higher life forms, and a small minority or animals called the Malays. Then came the Portuguese, Dutch, Bri
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| abstract
| - The first history of Malaysial began when a Palembang Prince, Parameswara a.k.a "Prince Esh" from Palembang (because he was Palembang Prince) got involved in a bar fight and insulted the king's momma. The king threatened to beat the shit and intestines out of Prince Esh so he fled with 3 wives, 4 mistresses, 2 lackeys, 80 mothers, 20 fathers, 10 grandfathers and 25 US Marines, 300 slaves, and a partridge in a pear tree to Singapore after visiting his close associate Mr. Mister and finding that it was too boring. Anyways, he founded the city state of Celaka which prospered for hundreds and thousands of years, much to the disbelief of Singaporeans, who at that time consisted entirely of higher life forms, and a small minority or animals called the Malays. Then came the Portuguese, Dutch, British, Japanese, Freedonians, Bordurians, Orang Bunians, Elfs, Trolls, Jins and then British again who took advantage of the Malay's propensity for public holidays and invaded on a non-working Saturday. The British, like a surging wave of fetid drainwater, carried with them the Chinese (from Chin-ur; we who refuse to wipe our asses) and the Red Indians (from Indi-ur; we who wear 2 liters of perfume) to work the tin mines and rubber plantations. So now, Malaysia has 3 major races (like Tolkien's Middle Earth) with the politically dominant Malays , the superstitious Chinese (c.f. "please-bury-me-next-to-Mao-Tse-Tung-when-i'm-dead...) and the Indians (c.f. can u please tell me when the next boat to Kerala?). Other races such as the hobits also exist but for all intents and purposes, they don't exist except for cultural shows put on for stupid tourists or as pictures in school textbooks. In honour of "Eswara", the national car maker, Proton, named one of their cars Proton Iswara, with slightly different spelling to avoid lawsuits. As told by my physics teacher Mr. Y in school, only Malaysia's 'Protons' are able to move about which doesn't make any sense. There is a legend regarding the founding of the state Melaka (known to Singayporians as Celaka) that while the Palembang Prince was taking a shit under a durian tree with a joint in his mouth, He saw a sang kancil trying to rape his dog and took it as a sign from David Beckham and said (in ancient Jewish): "Wah, dahshatnya sang kancil tu!"(Holy mother %@#!,that's some scary animal!) He then looked to the spot where his feces fell to earth, seeing that the colour and texture of his crap resembling Gula Melaka(some kind of opium),declared that the land he shat on shall be named...Melaka.
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