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| - ❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅ Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness — The Fray, How To Save A Life "I KNOW where we are," Everly says dully. Her voice, though soft, startles me; she's been quiet for so long, which I figure is a normal side effect of nearly drowning. Nearly drowning is a normal side effect of being Everly, of course, who seems to get a kick out of placing her life in danger. "Where are we?" I glance towards Thorn Mountain, which is finally getting closer; the spot we washed up was nowhere near it, and we've had to cover a lot of ground since this morning. "I used to live near here," she says. She so rarely talks about her family anymore, though sometimes I see the sadness in her eyes as she watches Plover and Eider play together. I think of changing the subject and distracting her, but then I remember the glimpses of my mother through the boreas lux, and the look in Riverfrost's eyes when he talked about her. What I wouldn't give to see my father again, to make him tell me everything about Flowerfrost. Not just that she was good and kind and brave, but whether she liked sunrises or sunsets, her favorite kind of flower, the strangest things she ever said. How precious those memories would be, and I hardly knew her. Knowing Everly, forgetting her family would be far worse than the pain of missing them. "Can I ask you something? Your siblings were named Juniper and Starlight. What's with your name? Why break the nature theme?" Everly grins. "I was a freebie. My parents thought Juniper and Starlight were it, but then just when my mother thought she was all done with labor, I came along. I was the runt, the smallest kit ever. Mother always said I looked like a mouse. She wanted to name me Evergreen, in keeping with the nature thing. But my father said she'd gotten to name the other two kits, and he wanted to name me Baby, because he just wanted to keep me all tucked in forever, and never let me grow past how small I was. They compromised and combined the names." She does a little fake bow. "Hence, Everly was born. Literally." "I never knew that," I say, looking down at Everly, who is already tiny, and trying to imagine an even smaller, cuter version of her, all fluffy and wide-eyed and full of eager happiness. Even looking at her now, I can see why her father wanted to name her Baby. She is one of the bravest cats I know, yet there is still something about her that makes me want to wrap her up and protect her anyway. I feel an acute, stinging pain as I think of the only other kit I knew when I was that little: Cecily. How different would life be if I'd known Everly as a kit? I know Cecily never really stood a chance of helping me, between the asara and Greer's agenda, but I can't help thinking that maybe if it'd been Everly as my childhood companion, she would have found a way to save me. Because that's just what she does. I wonder what Cecily is doing right now. The truth is, we never treated each other like we should have. I, of course, was the worst, cold and distant and obsessed with training. But Cecily was aloof even without asara. I never quite knew where her loyalties lay. She certainly wasn't as committed to her mother as Greer would have liked, which is why I think Greer relegated her to being my intended mate and pinned me as her heir. My mind drifts back to that night standing at the top of the mountain with Greer, looking down at the slopes rippling out beneath us, and letting her fill my heart with the desire to rule, to dominate, to control. I'm so confused. So much has changed, and I've come so far from that bloodstained training room -- but now I'm about to go back to everything I left behind, and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what it all means to me now. I don't want to continue a cycle of bitterness and regret, but everyone on that mountain has regarded me with fear or wanted to use me since I was born. No one has ever given up anything for me, no one has ever reached out. The only love I've ever known lasted a fleeting second on that mountain, before whatever grim reaper stalks Thorn Mountain cut my mother down. And what about Collection? I can see Thorn Mountain, the Triad, and the Snow Guard through Everly's eyes now, and I see how freezing cold her warm soul has been since she's arrived. "Lucifer? Are you all right?" "I'm fine." I take a deep breath. We're at the base of the mountain now, surrounded by pine forest. The ground has started to slope upwards, and the soil gradually grows thinner and rockier the farther up I crane my neck, till the forest disappears and gives way to jagged outcrops of shale and stone. "We're back," Everly says. "The return of Tiny and... Hey, I need a superhero sidekick name," I say. "Tiny? My superhero name is not Tiny," she says, crinkling up her nose. "If I have to be the sidekick, you have to be Tiny." "Fine." Everly kicks her paws happily as a new idea occurs to her. "If my enemies think I'm weak because I'm Tiny, it'll give me the advantage! I can catch them off guard!" I smile at the innocent glee on her face as she mutters on and on about her own cleverness. "Pleased with yourself, are you?" "I am fantastic. D'you know what? We should all be superheroes. A squad of heroes." "I want to be Caldertron!" Calder chimes in. Apparently everyone has been eavesdropping, because the twins declare themselves "the Birds", and Farrah insists on being "Far-out," which Calder makes fun of her for incessantly. Jett chooses "Jetstream", and then we all try to think of a name for Sasha. "Your name is impossible," complains Plover. "Oh, shush. You technically don't have a name unless Eider is with you," Jett counters, and both twins start arguing with him. I sigh and mumble so that only Everly can hear me, "We're making way too much noise." She shakes her head. "I was going to say the opposite: thank you for talking with me. If it weren't for this, I don't know how I'd stop myself from screaming and running in the opposite direction of the peak." "I see: a request for more babbling. In that case, what would mine be? My superhero name?" "Superhero sidekick," she reminds me, tilting her head to one side as she studies me. "I don't know, honestly. That's a tough one." "Geez. At least I gave you one." "Yeah, Tiny." "Guys?" Jett trots up and taps Everly on the shoulder. I watch the way his touch lingers against her skin and feel an unfamiliar prickle of pain blossom in my heart. I thought the only danger to watch for was the numbness that controlled me for so long, but it turns out the heart is every bit as vulnerable as Greer always says, sensitive to every little movement of certain mortal beings around you, though all the practical survival instincts inside you cannot figure out why you care so much. Love is weakness. Something to be eliminated. A weakness I was proud of never stumbling into. When you love, you hand another the power to hurt you. But I'll gladly take all the hurt, even fight back the urge to shove Jett into the thick of a pine tree and tell him to get away from Everly, if it comes along with the ability to feel wonder at the sight of one of Everly's spontaneous smile, the way her eyes light up when she sees something beautiful. When I'm with her, I want to live. I never want to feel nothing. I don't know why the word love comes into my thoughts, though. Perhaps it goes back to that aching, lonely hole in my heart that opened when I realized my lack of love might be a loss, not a gain. After all this is over, will this newly discovered family of mine still want me? It's impossible to convince myself that they will want me to stay; I've never understood how anyone could promise a forever. Life is too fragile. Better to embrace the fleeting exhiliration of training, of screaming muscles and hot blood and dark bruises, than tie yourself to lifelines that will leave wounds that will never heal if ripped away. "Oh, stars. Lucifer? I think we have visitors." I tense at the worry in Everly's voice. Sure enough, there are shapes materializing, pale against the dark fir trees. Instinctively, we bunch together. I stand at the forefront of the group. Jett tries to shield Everly, but she fights her way to my side. The idea of her being protector alongside me is not laughable when I see how her eyes are flashing, the gold and green like sparks. There is nothing tiny about her spirit; she is ten feet tall. I can feel the heat of her, all that fury and passion inside her. She is fire about to catch. Cecily steps into view, glimmering like a ghost against the clotted shadows behind her. I gasp at the sight of her; I can't help it. It feels like it's been so long. She is more beautiful than I remember, and more cold. Behind her stand several Guard members, including Ruta, Britta, and Turner. Ruta's eyes lock with Sasha's, then Farrah's, apology and concern shining in their depths. Britta lets out a hiss of surprise when she sees me. "How unexpected. If it isn't Greer's precious runaway pet. Lucifer's been a bad boy, hasn't he, Cecily?" Her claws come unsheathed; I see the snow part beneath them. I think of all the times Greer has punished me and wonder how terrible her rage will be when she catches me now. If she catches me. When. If. The thought is unbearable, but the greatest constant in my life has always been Greer's claw poised over me, ready to strike me down if ever I go against her wishes. And this certainly counts. Cecily's face is completely unreadable. I have no idea what she's doing out here, if she was sent to find me or if this meeting is completely by chance. I can't tell if she wants to kill me or take me back to Greer, or decide which one I'd prefer. "You shouldn't be here," she finally says. "Better here than the peak, under the paw of your mother," I hiss with a confidence I don't feel. "I'm finally free." "Is this going to come to a fight?" Sasha asks. "Because I don't want to hurt any of you." She's lost all trace of gentleness, she wraps her tail protectively around Plover and peels her lips back in a silent snarl. Superhero name or not, she is a fierce defender. Ruta looks surprised at the former Guard member's aggression, and I realize that though she was willing to help her friends escape from the peak, she has no idea what's happened to us since then. The sight of me, the assassin, standing beside ex-Guard cats and Everly is still foreign to her, let alone all of us pledging allegiance to each other over the Guard. "What are you planning, Lucifer? You've got a wild look in your eyes," says Cecily. "Don't pretend you know me," I say with more bitterness than I intended to let show. "You're going to hurt someone. Or yourself. You know why?" "Yes," I blurt, "because I hurt cats. I hurt them, I get it, just stop." Cecily blinks. Everly stares at me like she wants nothing more than to embrace me, the silent battlecry in her eyes giving way to soft concern. "Maybe. But I was talking more about whatever it is you plan to do. Go up there and seize the peak? Overthrow the Triad and the Guard, a system that has worked on our mountain for so long?" "What about Collection?" spits Jett. "What about Greer using us and abusing us?" Despite my previous unfriendly thoughts about him, I can't help a flicker of grudging respect. The Snow Guard is all he's known, and I know better than anyone how hard it is to change your entire point of view about something. "It's a harsh system, a harsh way of life. But this is a harsh world. It's the polar zone. Soft things get torn, weak things get broken. Winter goes slowly and death comes quickly. Greer holds this mountain together." "You saw." Everyone around us seems to disappear as Cecily and I's eyes meet. I see her as a fluffy kit, I see her growing up, always distant, always a mystery, but always there -- the only one who always has been. The only one who might have saved me. "You saw what she did to me. Time and time again, you saw us training, you saw me on the floor--" I break off. There is still a limit to what I can reveal. And beyond that, the pain of remembering is becoming too intense; a buzzing has started in my ears, and I'm acutely aware of the thump-thump of my pulse. The sound of my body hitting the floor countless times, my own cries of pain fading to whimpers, they all echo through the intervening moons and fill my mind. Cecily looks down. Just for a second, I imagine I see a flash of regret on her normally composed face. The cats behind her look bewildered. Even Turner has snapped out of his usual apathetic state, his eyes fixed on me with burning curiosity. "We can't let you past. You realize that, right? You're deserters," says Britta, stepping in when she sees that Cecily no longer looks battle ready. "We deserted a broken cause," says Jett. Cecily snaps back to attention. "The world is a broken cause. We are all inherently monsters, and we will all fall, to varying degrees, into the pit of our own selfishness. Whatever it takes to survive." "That's what you believe?" Everly says in a small, astonished voice. "You need to let us pass," I growl. "Please, Cecily. They're all in danger up there, more than you know, possibly -- or maybe you know and you're trying to pretend it isn't true." Everly appeals to the cats behind Cecily. "You can join us. You can be a part of this. I know I haven't lived on the mountain long, but that's exactly why I'm reaching out to you. You know better than anyone how unfair, how cruel life already is. If we lose the spirit in our own hearts, we have nothing left. If we sacrifice our own, do we even deserve to survive? Even wolves run in a pack." "She's right," Turner says suddenly, and more fiercely than I've ever heard him say anything. He breaks away from his group, moving to stand awkwardly in the middle of the confrontation. "What are you doing?" Cecily demands. "I chose wrong once before, and I lost Tessa, the love of my life. Do you know what love is?" He's talking to Cecily, but walking right towards me, and his question hits me like an icy dagger to the heart. What love is. What is love? "What kind of organization forbids love? That's the most essential key to survival. I've been dead inside without her. It's time to light a fire and burn this freaking mountain to the ground." The look in his eyes is a little crazed for my tastes. We'll have to temper him, make sure he doesn't hurt anyone who shouldn't be hurt. But I sympathize with him. After so long being restricted, being told not to feel and pretend everything's okay, I too want to scream and raze and destroy. Turner joins our group. Cecily and her group look stunned. "The world's gone nuts," mumbles Britta. "You can't abandon the Snow Guard. We have codes too, and they've been around for moons..." "I agree that being a protector and a defender is a noble cause," says Jett. "But I would rather be a deserter than serve Greer. Her regime is cruel and twisted, and it will end, one way or another, with you or without." There is something about Jett's words that strikes me for the first time: he speaks as if we are, instead of a group of bedraggled, river-wearied cats, a small army come to start a revolution. We never had a clear plan for what to do when we reached the peak; I'm pretty sure half of us thought we'd never make it, between the river, the mountain, and the wolves. But this encounter has brought out something I never saw before -- or maybe something that's been stirring slowly, now suddenly doused with kindling and set aflame. Dusk is falling on the mountain, and every cat's eyes are shining like little fires. Slowly, one by one, we are all starting to burn. The mountain is full of the most tenacious, determined, resilient cats in the world: kindling. What would happen if war broke out? Anything could happen, right now. I look at Cecily and see her hackles starting to rise. This could come to claws and bloodshed. Then a long, eerie howl drifts up the mountain from beneath us. The howl of the hunt. My blood goes cold. "DiAngelo." Cecily's face is bloodless, her face gaunt and starkly outlined in fear. "He's coming." "He must have followed us," Everly says, turning to me with a wild look on her face. "From the river. We led him here." "The wolf?" Hysteria is plain in Britta's voice. She nearly knocks Ruta over as she scrambles up a boulder, trying to see where the wolf is coming from. "We have to run," says Ruta. "No. You can't outrun a wolf," hisses Everly. "We have to hide." Her eyes roam the mountainside, searching. "There." A thin cliff of rock protrudes from the slope some distance above us. The only way to get to it is to climb one of the pine trees beside it and take a flying leap onto it, but Everly's right; it's the sturdiest high point we've got, if we can just get to it in time. "No way," snarls Britta. "We'll never make it up there. You're going to get us all killed." "Britta--" Cecily starts, but the she-cat jerks away. "I'm not dying tonight!" she exclaims, and takes off down the mountain. Everly lets out a cry of protest, lunging after her, but I catch her around the chest and pull her back. "She's headed for the valley!" Everly says wildly, striking me with her paws. "That's where DiAngelo is!" "There's nothing you can do," I say, and she goes completely limp. Cecily taps my shoulder. Her voice is low and urgent. "We have to get them all to the cliff. Are you going to help me?" For a second, I don't know what she means. Then I realize that the old version of me would be long gone by now, would maybe even pick a vantage point to watch the others be ripped apart. "Yes. Of course I will. Let's go." We go charging up the slope. "That tree!" Sasha calls. "The tall, skinny one, if you're large enough to make the jump. Otherwise, the stouter one with the branch that extends closer to the cliff." Everly and I split up; I head for the taller tree. "Hurry!" I shout as DiAngelo howls again, closer now. A scream pierces the air. Turner, who's just ahead of me on the trunk of the pine tree, freezes. "Britta," he croaks. "GO!" I have just reached the highest branch of the pine tree and am preparing to leap onto the stone ledge and safety when DiAngelo bursts into view. His muzzle is drenched in blood, his eyes as pale and vicious as a winter blizzard. My muscles lock. I look down and see the cats still not off the ground: Everly is giving Eider a boost, and Cecily has barely started her climb. I whip my tail around once, like I'm turning a crank, tightening all my muscles and coiling my body like a spring. And I jump. Not for the ledge. I launch myself off the tree branch and plummet straight towards DiAngelo, who is aiming for Everly. I land with my claws unsheathed squarely on top of his head. His blood wells around my paws as his massive head tilts back in rage. There's no time to do anything; I have a minute, tops, before Lucifer tears me limb from limb. Everly shrieks and goes for the closest pine tree -- the one with the bigger jump to the ledge. I wait till she's halfway up, then leap for the trunk. "I can't do it! It's too far!" Everly is clinging to the top branch, shaking like a leaf. "You have to!" screams Cecily. The tree shudders as DiAngelo rams into the trunk, and she nearly loses her balance. I grab onto her and steady her on the branch. I yell the first thing that comes to mind. "You're a superhero! Fly!" Everly jumps. Time stops. She can't fall, she can't fall, please let her make it. I don't breathe again till her paws hit the ledge and Sasha pulls her on. But the relief is short-lived. Sasha screams across to Cecily and me, "The ledge is crumbling!" Sure enough, the point of the cliff is beginning to crack. If it falls away, the jump will be impossible for Cecily, maybe even for me. "Go, Cecily! Go!" I yell. Scared beyond words, she edges out along the branch till she's as far as she can go, then jumps. Her front legs hit the edge of the cliff. And the rock buckles. "NO!" I hear Everly scream, see the blur of brown as she races to the edge, and for a second I think she'll make it, grab Cecily and yank her right out of death's jaws. But it's too late. I watch the silver shape of Cecily's body fall through air like a shooting star. DiAngelo's jaws meet her before she hits the ground. The others are screaming at me to come on, to jump, to get out of the tree. I don't move. I watch as the snow beneath me turns red, red, red. For how long, I don't know; DiAngelo disappears without me noticing. I drop down from the tree, not caring if the wolf is hiding somewhere waiting for me, not caring about anything but the broken island of Cecily's body and the ocean of red that surrounds her.
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