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| - Buster: Many of you know that I have a community garden full of fresh fruits and vegetables. But did you know I also have a comedy garden? Come on, I'll show you around! Here's my clown nose bush. [HONK!] Buster: Mmm, this one's not quite ready. [SQUEAK-SQUEAK] Buster: [CHUCKLES] This one's perfect! Here's where I grow the squirting flowers. Ahh...smells like comedy. [LAUGHS] And if you look over here I've got some...whoa! Forgot I put the banana peel patch here. But my most prized possession in the whole garden is this, my joke tree! Each branch bears a hysterical new joke, like this one... What's the one word a dog can say? Bark! [LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY] Get it? Actually, that one's kind of old. Let's try this one. What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper! Wait a minute...everyone knows that one! Why did the chicken cross the road?! That's the oldest one in the book! What's going on?! [BREATHLESSLY] This one's going to be good, I promise! What does someone say when he reaches the top of a dead tree? Ahhh! Huh? I don't get it. AHHHH! [CRASH!] Buster: [WHIMPERING] I-I-I'm OK! Buster: So a couple of sausages are sizzling in a frying pan. One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, is it hot in here?!" And the other sausage says, "Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage!" [THEY LAUGH] Buster: [LAUGHING] Doesn't that joke kill?! Arthur: Ow, well, my nose sure feels dead. Buster: And then he says, "Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage!" [ARTHUR SNORTS] [BINKY LAUGHS] Arthur: Could you warn me next time? Buster: Pretty great, huh?! Ahh, it never fails. Buster: Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage! Get it? See? I'm a sausage and I'm talking. [IN A SAUSAGE VOICE] Hi, guys, la la la la... Muffy: We got it the first time. Arthur: And the second...and third. Binky: The funny part was when water shot out of Arthur's nose! Can you do that again? Arthur: No way! I actually never thought it was that funny. It was just that creepy image of a talking sausage...eugh! It made me snort! Are you done telling it? I'm really thirsty. Buster: Yeah, I'm done. Finished. Caput. [SIGHING] I think I need another dessert. Mrs. MacGrady: Of course, you're still funny, Buster! Buster: Ah, I don't know. That joke used to always work, now I can't even get a giggle. Mrs. MacGrady: That's just cos you're using day-old bread. Buster: No, I was using hot dogs. You think I should use bread instead? Mrs. MacGrady: What I mean is, you need some new jokes. Would you like it if I served the same thing everyday? Buster: Hm...could it be cake? Mrs. MacGrady: Don't worry, Buster, you'll make them laugh again, just go get some fresh material. And this time, make it something that doesn't involve playing with your lunch! Buster: Thanks a lot, Mrs MacGrady. Buster: Horst Schichter’s Compendium of Comedy - this is exactly what I need! [LAUGHS] Buster: Hi, ladies and germs. Welcome to The Great Baxterini's Prop Comedy Show. Oh, what a great crowd! Now, remember, don't try this at home! Binky: I am at home. Buster: Now, you don't like to have seeds in your watermelon, do you, sir? Well, this is how I like to get them out. [LAUGHS WEAKLY] Ao-ow! Wow, does that hurt! Come back! There! Wasn't that...hysterical?! Binky: You're going to clean this up, right? [BUSTER SIGHS] Buster: You know, there are things I notice every day at this school that are just hysterical, like the seesaw. It doesn't look like a sea, or a saw. Why is it called that? Maybe they should just call it the "I don't see the point saw". [LAUGHS] Muffy: Pfff! Buster: Hey, I've got a question for you. If fish swim in schools, do they get homework? See, it's funny because their school is not like our school... [BRAIN CLEARS HIS THROAT] Buster: Hey, what's up with monkey bars? Why aren't there any monkeys...on them? Brain: Because there are no wild monkeys in North America. I suppose one could escape from the zoo... Muffy: Huh! That'd be scary. My dad knew someone who was bitten by a monkey once. Brain: Oh, that can be quite dangerous, did he get a rabies shot? Buster: OK, OK, forget the monkey bars. Hey, you know what's funny...? Brain: Yes, funny is an adjective. Definition - causing laughter or amusement. Synonyms are comical, humorous, droll... Muffy: I'll tell you what funny isn't... This! Buster: Oh, never mind. Buster: According to Horst Schichter's Compendium Of Comedy, this HAS to get a laugh. Arthur: I don't know, Buster. I feel kind of funny about this. Buster: Funny is good! Hold that thought. Now let's get started. Arthur: Are you sure you want me to? Buster: Arthur, if you are truly my friend, you will hit me in the face with that pie. Why aren't you laughing? Arthur: Because it wasn't funny! Buster: Try the cherry. [CHOKING] Anything? Arthur: Sorry. All I feel is grossed out! Buster: I don't understand, this is supposed to be a guaranteed laugh! Oh! There's quiche in the fridge - let's try that! Bitzi: What is going on here?! Buster: Umm, Arthur's helping me with my comedy homework. Buster: So I've been experimenting with all different types of comedy but no matter what I do I still can't get a laugh. Bitzi: Well, I think you're funny. Buster: Thanks, but you're my mum, you'd even laugh at my mitten joke. Bitzi: What's your mitten joke? Buster: What did the mitten say to the hat? I'll stay here, you go on ahead. [BITZI LAUGHS HEARTILY] Buster: See! Bitzi: Well, I know something that'll cheer you up. Buster: “This Sunday at Elwood City Books, comedian Vince Ruckles will sign copies of his autobiography, My Yucky Life.” Huh...Vince Ruckles, he's my hero! I have all his CDs. Bitzi: I know. You and your father did his routines for hours and hours. Buster: Can we go, Mum, please, please, pretty please? Bitzi: Only if you promise never to do your comedy homework in my kitchen again! Vince Ruckles: Molina...any relation to Stanwood Molina? Ramon: No, who is he? Vince: Beats me, he's not a relative of mine either. Next! Hey, kid, who do I make it out to? Buster: Umm, Buster Baxter. Vince: Is that two Ms in the "Umm"? Buster: [LAUGHING] You haven't lost your touch, Mr Ruckles. I wish I could say the same. Vince: What happened, kid? You sprain your funny bone? Buster: Broke it is more like it. I bet you never went through a slump where you couldn't make anyone laugh. Vince: Are you kidding?! Read chapters 2 through 12. Buster: What did you do about it? Vince: I stopped TRYING to be funny. Buster: Ha-ha-ha, that's a good one. Vince: Actually, that wasn't a joke. Trying to be funny is like trying to have fun. The harder you try, the less fun it is. Buster: So what do I do? Vince: Just be yourself, if you can't do that be Whoopie Snuttlemeyer. Buster: Who's that? Vince: I dunno, but at least she's got a funny name! Next! Mrs. MacGrady: I bet I know what you want, Buster. A pair of talking hot dogs? Buster: Actually, I think I'll have the fish sticks instead. Mrs. MacGrady: Let me guess, you've got some fish jokes up your sleeve. Buster: A fish joke, I wish. When I look at my lunch, I just see food. Mrs. MacGrady: Seafood! Oh-ho-ho, I get it, that's a good one! Buster: It is? Huh, I wasn't even fishing for a laugh. Mrs. MacGrady: Ha-ha-ha, you're on fire today! Buster: Hey, guys. Muffy: So, what kind of comedy are you trying today? Knock-knock jokes? Buster: No, I'm done trying to be funny. I may never be funny again. But at least I won't have whipped cream in my ears. [ARTHUR CHUCKLES] Buster: What? It's true! I also found some cherry filling in my shoes. At least my feet smell good. [ALL LAUGH] Muffy: Is this a new stand-up routine? Buster: No way! I'd rather do sit-ups than stand-up. And I'm never going to kick a watermelon again, only zucchinis. Binky: Why zucchinis? Buster: They squash. [ALL LAUGH HEARTILY] Buster: Thank you, Vince Ruckles. OK, can we eat lunch already? My fish sticks are turning into fish stones. Arthur: [SNORTS] You made me do it again! Buster: It's not my fault, stop laughing! Arthur: You stop being funny! Buster: I'm trying! OK, everyone think serious thoughts. [ALL BURST OUT LAUGHING] Buster: That SO did not work!
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