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| - Nostalgia Critic (NC): Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well it's still the season of Christmas, I'm still in the mood to torture myself. So, let's take a look at our next holiday stinker: The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special. NC (voice-over): Just saying the title of this special makes me laugh my ass off. I mean, what's next? (Pictures of what the Critic mentions come up to demonstrate his point.) A Thundercats Christmas? A G. I. Joe Christmas? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a Star Wars Christmas. Yoda: You will be. You will be. NC (VO): And it's just as silly as you may think it is. I have to admit, I didn't watch a ton of He-Man or She-Ra growing up, so I might miss a few characters' names and such. But I do remember the basic premise: a prince named Adam lives in the world of Eternia where somehow taking off his clothes disguises his identity and turns him into He-Man. He has a magic sword, and fights off a bonehead named Skeletor. She-Ra: same story, but with tits. NC: So, I bet you're wondering how they bring Christmas into that plot set-up. Let's take a look. This is the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special. NC (VO): So, it turns out it's He-Man's and She-Ra's birthday as the king and queen of Eternia set up the castle for a celebration. NC(VO): Look at it. It looks like a gay pride parade in the Land of Oz. NC: Yeah, yeah, I know I made, like, a bajillion gay jokes about He-Man in the past. Well, all right, as a special Christmas gift, I will not make any more gay jokes about He-Man. (long pause) (quickly) I hope you appreciate my sacrifice because it ain't easy. NC (VO) So we see all the rejected Disney characters set up the castle and get ready for the party. Bow: I think purple would look good up there, Peek-a-Bloo. NC: What do you want, a cookie? Queen Marlena: You know, it reminds me of how we used to get ready for Christmas at this time of year. King Randor: Christmas? What's that? An Earth holiday? Queen Marlena: A very special Earth holiday. NC (VO) And.... that's all we're going to say about it, apparently. Next scene. Man-at-Arms: We're almost finished here. NC (VO): So it turns out that Man-at-Arms and He-Man -- oh, I'm sorry, Adam. Yeah, his disguise really threw me off there -- are launching a rocket that can hopefully spy on Skeletor. But you tell me how the hell a loud, fire-spewing warhead is going to spy on anything. Man-at-Arms: This little sky spy will give us a complete picture of Skeletor's every move. NC (VO): But it turns out that our little Jawa-poltergeist named Orko wants to take a closer look. Orko: (He brakes off the handle to start the ship) Uh-oh. Adam: What happened? NC: (as Man-at-Arms) Well remember that easily, breakable piece of the handle that we designed to launch the whole ship? (long pause) Maybe we shouldn't have done that. NC (VO): So as our space ca-douche flies into the sky, we get our main credits. NC: (looks bored) Unless the rest of the title is "Go Back Door Humping", I'm not interested. "A Christmas Special" credits are seen as Jingle Bells is heard. NC (VO): Yeah, I bet you never hear “Jingle Bells” and He-Man together. NC: Unless you replace the letter “e” in Bells with the letter “a”-- Okay, okay! I made a promise. Adora: What’s happening? Man-at-Arms: Skeletor is going after the Sky Spy. Adam: Then He-Man’s going after Skeletor. By the power of Grayskull! He-Man: I HAVE THE POWER! NC: (VO imitating He-Man) Hey, sis! I have the power. Adora: I’ve got a feeling my brother may need some help. NC: (chuckles) I love how the transformations aren’t even a big deal anymore. She could be doing the dishes like, “Oh, hey, He-Man, when you get a chance, could you dry these off? (sound of He-Man transforming) Okay, never mind.” He-Man: You’re trying to grab more than you can handle. NC: (has a very shocking confused look on his face) Okay, I’m not gonna make anymore gay jokes, but, for the record, I want a countdown of how many gay jokes I could have made. NC (VO): But the EVIL Skeletor tries to trap He-Man. Skeletor: Use the force belts. Don’t let him get away with it! NC: (imitating Skeletor) OOO, damn it! That’s the last time we try to save money by buying Scotch Tape belts! NC (VO): But luckily he’s saved by Wonder Woman riding Rainbow Brite’s unicorn. She-Ra: Let’s get a little fresh air in here. He-Man: The Sky Spy is spinning off into space! NC: (as He-Man) Hey! How come our hair isn’t blowing, even though we’re thousands of feet in the air? NC (VO): So they follow the rocket to see if they can get it back. Good thing they can breathe in space! She-Ra: I’m afraid we’ve lost your Sky Spy. He-Man: Well, it’s a good thing nobody’s in it. NC (VO): Well, nobody redeemable. Orko: I never should have gotten in this thing. NC (VO): So we see Orko making his way towards Earth as -- (looks at the planet) Wait a minute. Earth? NC: Sweet God! (very quickly) This is the Masters of the Universe movie all over again! Hide all the pink Cadillacs! NC (VO): So he runs into two children, who I guess were looking for a Christmas tree, in the middle of the mountains! That’s a pretty hardcore tradition, kids! Orko: What are you doing out here all alone in the snow anyway? Miguel: Getting a Christmas tree. Orko: A what? Alisha: A Christmas tree. Until we got lost! Orko: Aw, there, there. Y-You’re not really lost, you found me, didn’t you? My ship crashed just over that hill. Come on, I’ll show ya and maybe we can find a way safely to your parents! NC: (imitating the girl) Yeah, that’d be great. Maybe if you have a cell phone on there, maybe we can contact somebody; they can come up here and rescue us. That’d be wonderful. Oh, by the way, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?! Orko: You said you were looking for a Christmas tree? What’s Christmas? Alisha: When you get lots of presents! Miguel: But it’s also a time when everybody thinks about peace and goodwill toward men. Alisha: That’s what the angel said. Orko: Angel? Miguel: We’ll tell you the whole story. A long, long time ago…. NC (VO): Quick! Dissolve to something else! We have to keep religion out of this as much as possible! Queen Marlena: Those are Earth coordinates. Orko’s landed on Earth! Teela: Are you saying that we’ll never get Orko back? NC: (looks at the bottle) Oh, I’m sorry. I’m, uh, trained to do that every time those words are uttered. (nervously chuckles) Man-at-Arms: No Teela. My transport beam might do it. The problem is it needs a Carium Water Crystal to power it and there are none here on Eternia. NC: Uh-huh. Okay, let me just tell you what they’re really saying: NC: (dubbing Man-at-Arms) You see my insert technobable here might solve it. But we need a random technical plot point thingie in order to make it work. NC: (dubbing Adora) I’ll find one! NC: (dubbing Man-at-Arms) Good! Bring me a present when you get back. NC: Been there, done that. Next scene. Alisha: …and the three wise men followed the star until they finally reached Bethlehem. NC (VO): Oh, good, we didn’t miss anything important! Miguel: Let’s tell him about Santa Claus! Alisha: (chuckles) I’ll tell him. NC (VO): And it looks like we’re going to miss that part too. You know I just love Christmas specials that totally ignore Christmas! Adora: For the honor of Grayskull! NC: (dubbing Swift Wind) Oh, God! Every time this happens, I feel unbelievable pain! God, I hate sprouting these wings! JESUS, it hurts! NC (VO): So we fly to the planet of New Jersey, where they try to find the water crystal thingie to locate Orko. She-Ra: The beast monster. NC: (thinks about this for a second) Isn’t that a little redundant? I mean, isn’t that kind of like saying, “Look out! The tortoise turtle. He’s evil bad”? NC (VO): But fortunately, this monster is unbelievably stupid, which results in She-Ra getting the water crystal with no problem. That is, until another monster pops up. She-Ra: It looks as if we’ve found something else, too. Swift Wind: (In a masculine voice) What are they? NC: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. THAT’S the unicorn’s voice?! That’s like the most unwhimsical thing I’ve ever heard. Swift Wind: They’re changing into other forms. What evil robots! NC: Okay, I didn’t grow up with She-Ra, but aren’t unicorns supposed to be swift and elegant? I mean, what girl wants to hear their unicorn say: NC: (dubbing Swift Wind’s voice in a gravely manner) Come on She-Ra, let's fight some evil doers. Maybe we can drop by the cigar store on the way there. NC: That just doesn’t sound right. NC (VO): So luckily this monster doesn’t seem too bad to defeat -- (the monster arises showing it to be hundreds of feet tall) aw shit. Robot monster: Prepare to battle. NC: Oh, fuck! They got bubbles! The robot transforms itself into another robot, but this time with new features. NC: My god! Those transforming robots are transforming into some kind of transformed evil! I think they’re called: (pauses) Care Bears. NC (VO) So She-Ra has to use all of her brains and all of her fighting skills to come up with a way to get out. NC (VO): That was easy. She then gives the crystal to Man-at-Arms who manages to bring Orko home. Orko: All we have to do is hold hands and move over there. NC: (dubbing Orko) In Eternia, we call this a kidnapping! Adam: There he is! Adora: Orko! (Orko kisses her) Adam: Who are your friends? (Referring to Miguel and Alisha) NC: (dubbing Adam’s nasal voice) Who are your friends? I’m the gay son of Casey Kasem and Jerry Seinfeld. Nyah. NC (VO): Meanwhile, we cut to a burnt potato chip where Horde Prime, who I guess is the evil overlord, fears the presence of goodwill known as Christmas is hashing his evil. So he summons Skeletor and some other villain whose name I can't really understand. Horde Prime: Send for Skeletor and Hordak! NC: Whore-Rack? Horde Prime: Hordak! NC: Go-Track? Horde Prime: Hordak! NC: Roar Pack? Horde Prime: Hordack! NC: (beat) I don't care. Horde Prime: The arrival of the spirit of Christmas on Eternia may threaten my rule! NC (VO): What the hell am I even looking at? Is the ruler of darkness just a flaming turd that nobody can make out? Horde Prime: A new spirit of goodness has arrived on Eternia. NC (VO): And for that matter, what the hell is he even saying? (A shot of Skeletor’s face shows a look of confusion) Look at Skeletor’s face, he clearly has no idea what he’s talking about. Rob Walker (VO imitating Skeletor): Uh, no, not getting any of this. I--Is that English? You need to enunciate. I have no lips and even I can enunciate. Hordak: Have no fear, great master. I will eliminate this Christmas spirit. Rob Walker (VO imitating Skeletor): Uh, yeah! What he said. NC (VO): But it turns out there’s some disagreements between these evil doers. Skeletor: You? You can’t even handle that muscle-bound female She-Ra! Hordak: Just a minute, what about the way He-Man handles you? Horde Prime: Whoever eliminates the spirit of Christmas from Eternia will be well rewarded. NC (VO): So you’ve heard right, Horde Prime, the evil ruler of darkness, wants to, in fact, steal Christmas. Footage from How the Grinch Stole Christmas appears. Boris Karloff: Please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason. NC (VO): But that’s okay! The kids are helping the people of Eternia write all-new Christmas songs that are sure to become household classics. Listen! The song starts playing and the Critic looks confused. He then takes out a paper bag and the words “Vomit Bags on Standby” appear onscreen. As the song continues, the Critic eventually vomits into the bag. The song ends. Miguel: Now that’s the Christmas spirit! NC: I beg to differ. (He continues to vomit) NC (VO): But unfortunately, the evil troops come down to -- Wow! (One of the villains' planes comes into view with a very phallic design) I mean, WOW! How could a show that’s not trying to insert gay symbolism CONSTANTLY be doing this? Charlie Wilcox (from Suburban Commando): I was frozen today! Miguel & Alisha: Help! Help! NC (VO): So Bordak... Horde Prime: Hordak! NC (VO): Whatever, kidnaps the kids and Orko, but is intercepted by the GoBots here. NC: Ah... Orko: What’s going on? NC: (pauses) Just add it to the list. NC (VO): So they’re imprisoned by the evil machines, but luckily some characters called “manchines”- yes, that’s really what they’re called- come in to help. Manchine: We’re the manchines. My name’s Cutter. NC: Guess what I do! NC: I also make pies. NC (VO): So He-Man, She-Ra, and the scrap metal from Mega Man all try to help them save the kids. He-Man: (as he is tying up some mechanical ropes together) Sorry to get you all tied up! He-Man: What works for my sister, works for me! NC (VO): Yeah, it’s been a while. Let’s put a toy plug in. It is a Christmas special, after all. Alisha: Aw, look! A manchine puppy! MANCHINE PUPPY! So cute you’ll kill it! Only $29.99 Not sold in stores (healthcode violations) Visa, Master, Discover, and Mail Order Brides accepted. Alisha: He’s so cute! NC (VO): But Skeletor comes in and kidnaps the kids, again. She-Ra: We’ll see about that! Skeletor: Oh no you don’t, She-Ra! (He fires a beam, trapping Swift Wind in a cage of sharp rocks with no roof) NC (VO): Oh, gee. If only he could fly. Skeletor: Now nothing can stop me from delivering them to Horde Prime. Hordak: (he’s watching Skeletor on a screen) Don’t be so sure, bonehead! Rob Walker (VO imitating Skeletor): What was that? How--how can I hear you? Waah! NC (VO): So they crash into the mountains where Skeletor actually has to spend quality time with the kids. Skeletor: Get moving you two, we have a long walk ahead of us. Miguel: Please mister, be nice. It-It’s Christmas time! Skeletor: Christmas time? Rob Walker (VO imitating Skeletor): Christmas time? I’m Jewish! I get eight candles, and dreidel, and a new pair of slacks every year! I’ll be as fucking grouchy as I please you little Hitler youths! Now move it! Miguel: It’s--It’s the season of love and joy! Alisha: And caring. (She falls down due to the cold weather) NC: Wow, I guess that line took everything out of her. Skeletor: Now get moving, you two, before Hordak comes back. Miguel: We’re so cold! Skeletor: Oh, blast it! (He fires a beam of light and the children now have coats on) NC (VO): Now that makes you ponder, doesn’t it? Why would Skeletor add a coat-creating device on his evil magic wand? NC (imitating Skeletor): My wand can do anything! It can kill people, destroy cities, and make fashionable fur coats! NC: But why? NC (Skeletor): Why? Why? What if it gets cold? People need to keep their body heat at a neutral level. It also makes the little umbrellas that you put at the top of drinks! NC: But why does it do that? NC (Skeletor): Have you ever had a piña colada without one those little umbrellas on top? It’s depressing. Nobody should be subjected to that kind of evil! NC: Oh. NC: (Skeletor) I am Skeletor! NC (VO): But it appears the Christmas spirit is so strong it even seems to affect the bony lord of evil himself. Skeletor: No! Leave him! Alisha: We have to! Skeletor: I said leave him! Alisha: Please? Skeletor: Oh, blast it! (He picks up the animal/machine) I don’t know what’s coming over me. Rob Walker (VO imitating Skeletor): But if you dare chew on one of my bones, I swear you’re the first one I’m eating! NC (VO): So as they venture along, they come across He-Man, She-Ra, Blorock... Horde Prime: Hordak! NC (VO): Whatever, and even Horde Prime as they all meet up to have a huge battle. Hordak: Now hand them over! Skeletor: They’re mine, Hordak! (He fires a beam, but Hordak blocks it with a shield and the blast hits Skeletor) NC: Oh, dude! You got ‘em in the skelenads! Hordak: Now I’ll take those goody-goods! Rob Walker (VO imitating Skeletor): You just shot my goody-goods! NC: Because this is what you think of when you think of Christmas, right? People beating the shit out of each other! NC (VO): So just as Horde Prime is about to kill the kids, Skeletor feels the Christmas spirit once more and fights him off. Skeletor: But I must…save…the children! Ellen Ripley (VO): Get away from her, you bitch! NC (VO): So Horde Prime is destroyed, and they beam the kids back home. NC (as kids): Uh, these aren’t our parents. NC (VO): Why, Adam even dresses up like Santa Claus! Adam: Oh, you knew it was me all the time, didn’t you? NC: Well, it’s not nearly as good as your He-Man disguise. Next time; try taking off more clothes. NC (VO): And of course, we get one of those lame-ass messages that we get at the end of every episode. Adam: It’s a season of love, and joy, and caring. Orko: And presents! Adam: Presents are nice, Orko, but Christmas means much more than that. NC (VO imitating Orko): I know! It’s about making other religions feel inferior. Adam: That’s right, Orko. And what would make you happiest this Christmas? NC (Orko): How about a pair of fucking legs?! And a nose! Or even a face, sweet Jesus! Adam: (chuckles) Oh, Orko! NC (Orko): Don’t laugh at me, I’ll kill you all! NC (VO): So that’s the He-Man & She-Ra Christmas Special. It’s pretty silly and makes no sense, but to be fair, what would you expect from He-Man and She-Ra? It’s stupid but it’s harmless. And that’s all you can say about it. NC: I mean there’s a lot of things out there that could be worse. For example, I would be terrified if there really was a Star Wars Christmas special. Yoda: You will be. You will be. NC: Why does he keep saying that? NC: (looks scared) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.
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