| abstract
| - (We open with Obscurus Lupa in a bed in a hotel room.) Obscurus Lupa: (Waves) Hi, welcome back to “Obscurus Lupa Presents” (Lays down on bed) me reviewing thins. (Cut to the other bed in the hotel room.) Phelous: Hey, I'm Phelous and are you guys ready for another shitty movie by Mr. “Birdemic,” himself, James Nguyen? Lupa: This is actually James Nguyen’s 1st movie and I’m gonna be the 1st one to review it! Both Phelous and Lupa: This is “Julie and Jack!" (They then look over at one another, now realizing that they are both in the room.) Lupa: Phelan! Phelous: Allison! (They then get closer to each other, angry at the other.) Lupa: But I was gonna review “Julie and Jack” first! Phelous: But I was gonna do it, I had my camera already set up and everything! Lupa: Well, I was in this room 1st and I had your camera set up to review this movie. (She walks to the sit on the bed Phelous is sitting to sit next to him) Phelous: Yeah, why were you gonna review it with my camera? Lupa: I don’t know, why didn’t we notice each other in the same room, about to review the same movie? (The drops it and say to the camera) Phelous and Lupa: JULIE AND JACK CROSSOVER! (We then cut to opening credits similar to the one in “Julie and Jack,” with with a blue sky with clouds. We get the credits: “Obscurus Lupa Presents. A Phelous Film. ‘Julie and Jack CROSSOVER!!!’” We then cut to the title card for the review. The cut back to the Phelous and Lupa.) Lupa: So basically, James Nguyen’s 1st movie is like the 1st half of Birdemic, just for the whole thing. Phelous: So it doesn’t even have the best part of “Birdemic,” the crappy, animated GIF birds? Lupa: Nope, but James Nguyen’s incompetence is on full display here! Phelous: Yay! (We cut to the “Julie and Jack’s” opening credits, which are in the blue sky with clouds) Lupa: Oh, looks like James Nguyen went all out on his cloud stock footage. Phelous: And what is this music with it, it makes it seem like wedding video intro. Lupa: Or some kind of pet memorial video. Phelous and Lupa: OR A PET WEDDING VIDEO! (We cut to the blue sky with, showing Phelous and Lupa’s cats, Checkers and Ash with the caption: ”You are cordially Invited to the wedding of: Checkers and Ash.”) Checkers/Lupa (v/o) Ha ha, Now you have to marry me! Ash/Lupa (v/o): Eh! Shut up you asshole, I’m a wedding miracle! (Cut back to the film, the sky transitions to a shot of San Francisco with music from “The Room” playing. After that, we then cut to Jack Livingstone, driving to work. To the regular “Pet wedding” music.) Phelous (v/o): Why, this music isn’t appropriate for going to work at all! (The adventurous “going to work” music from “Birdemic” plays .) Phelous (v/o): Anyway, this is Jack (Livingstone), an aspiring computer chip salesman. Lupa: “A computer chip salesman?” You mean, just like he made the protagonist (Joe Thomas) in his next film, “Replica?” Phelous: Exactly, it wasn’t until “Birdemic” that he really mixed things up and made Rod a software salesman! Lupa: Ah! Well, if there’s one thing that James Nguyen, “the computer chip salesman,” has, it’s range! (Jack is in the middle of a sraff meeting in the conference room.) Lupa (v/o): Wow! What a totally different-looking conference room, I’m glad James Nguyen never reuses locations! (Cut to later when Jack and Julie Romanov are at the beach, which is the same one Rod and Natalie went to.) Phelous (v/o): Yeah, never. (Back at the conference room) Lupa: Hey, look at that old guy running a meeting to remind people where they work. Phelous: Stand back, these computer chips are contaminated, they’ve got computer chip flu virus! Bob Hammer (Jack’s Boss): Everyone’s been fulfilling their sales quotas. As of today, I am increasing those quotas. (To Jack) You haven’t even come close to meeting your quotas in the last 2 quarters. Lupa: WHY DID THE QUOTAS ATTACKED?!?! Jack Livingstone: I’m working really hard, Bob. I just can’t seem to get things going. Bob/Phelous: Now, I’m not going to say that global warming is bringing down your performance, but global warming is bringing down your performance. (We cut to Jack’s friend Mark Stevens, at home having sex with a beautiful blonde woman. The doorbell rings) Woman: You want me to get that? Mark Stevens: Get what? Woman: The door. Mark: There’s no door! There are no doors in this entire house! (Woman then answers the door, it’s Jack.) Woman: Can I help you? Jack: Is Mark home? (Cut to Mark’s living room, He’s talking to Jack.) Mark: I was in the (Does a humping like dance) middle of things. (Makes some sex noises) Lupa (v/o): What could he be implying? Oh well, we know who the real star of the scene is, the light! (The lamp is in the middle of the shot as at each end, Jack and Mark are sitting down.) Mark: How are things? Jack: Not so good, my boss is hammering me about meeting my sales quotas. Lupa: (Closer to the camera) WHY DID THE QUOTAS ARRACKED?!?! Mark: You know what you need? I think…I think you need a new girl friend. Phelous: Of course, you suck at your job, just get a girl friend and they’ll make you employee of the year! Lupa: That would never happen! (Makes a squeeing noise.) (Cut to Jack apartment, he’s on his computer, The sunlight makes everything outside the window look all white. Phelous (v/o): Oh good, James (Nguyen), if you don’t know how to handle backlighting or re-white balance your scene, just close the blinds. (Cut to Jack working at his cublicle., on the phone with a potential customer, Tony.) Lupa (v/o): We see Jack-Rod, as he’s selling his computer chips to this guy (Tony), who’s completely in a different place and not in the same cubicle flipped and at a slightly different angle. Tony: I’m not interested. Please, don’t bother me. Jack: Can I send you some information? I’m sure once you take a look at… Phelous: That’s it, I’m sick of this crossover! I’m leaving far away! (He gets up and leaves the room. Lupa calls him from the phone in the hotel room. There’s a clock next to the phone) Lupa: Hey Phelan, you should come back and finish the crossover. (Cut to Phelous, who is totally not in the same room, using the same phone, but the shot is flipped (The clock is displayed backwards).) Phelous: I don’t know, Allison, do you think you can actually convince me that I should go all the way back there. Lupa: Nope! (Hangs up.) (Cut back to the hotel bed, Phelous is already sitting next to Lupa.) Phelous: Ok, I’m back! (Cut back to Jack on this computer, typing on a dating website.) Jack: I’m a salesman. Mostly, I hang out with Mark Stevens, he’s s great guy, despite his warped out look on women and the whole mating ritual. He seems to think that womens whole purpose in life is to shop and that mens while purpose is to provide women with money, so the women, are obligated to provide us with sex. (We see some scenes of Jack and Mark hanging at a bar and in the park, where birds fly buy, with the added squaking noises from “Birdemic.”) Lupa: So, Jack-Rod’s friend, Mark, a sexaholic asshat, who is nothing like the friend in “Birdemic,” Rick, the sexaholic asshat, isn’t being a sexaholic he’s listening to Jack-Rod tell him how he’s forming an internet relationship. (We then cut to Julie Romanov, a beautiful blonde woman. Clearly, James Nguyen has a type.) Phelous: And this would be Julie (Romanov), who’s all up for telling him about where she went to school and her past., I’m sure won’t suddenly change later! (Cut to Jack at his cubicle, where he’s visited by his co-worker, Bill Templeton.) Bill Templeton: I wouldn’t waste my time with Tony if I was you. Phelous: Yeah, cause he’s like only 10 (Referring to Tony, the 10 year old boy from “Birdemic”), so he probably doesn’t buy a whole lot of computer chips. Bill: That guy was my customer for 2 years and he never bought nothing! Phelous: He’s not your customer, then. To be your customer, he’d have to actually be someone who buys something from you! Lupa: Yeah, he’s just someone you’ve been annoying on the phone for 2 years. I’m surprised he hasn’t filed harassment charges yet! Lupa (v/o): I guess, that’s what makes fat-ass (Bill) the best employee; harassing people for 2 years, then pass them off to Jack-Rod to not finish the deal. (Jack meets Julie for their 1st date. White balance is still off.) Jack: Lady Renegade? Julie Romanov: Yes! (He gives her flowers.) Jack: You look incredible! Julie: Thank you! (After admiring her flowers, they head to the restaurant. We get a caption, reading: “Cool framing so why bother adjust the shot right?” Back ground noise is heard when they talk.) Phelous (v/o): Oh great, the background noise that just disappears is still around; glad James (Nguyen) never lost his touch. Lupa (v/o): And I love how the exposure is ramped up so high, they’re starting to look like ghosts. (Cut back to Phelous and Lupa, the exposure is turned up on their camera.) Phelous and Lupa: WHO YA GONNA CALL? (Julie and Jack sit at table at a fancy restaurant.) Jack: You’re very beautiful. Julie: Merci beaucoup. I’m quite the linguist myself, as you can see. Phelous: Merde! As you see Allison, I know a single word of French, I’m quite the linguist. Lupa: Well, that’s absolutely beautiful, what does that mean? Phelous: Uhhhh… Jack: Do you speak other languages? Julie: Java, ADA, C++, XML, HTML. I’m a software developer. Jack: You look like a babe from “Baywatch.” I mean, you don’t look like a software developer. Jack/Lupa (v/o): Yeah, I never realized you stupid programmer freshman were super dorks. I was too busy hanging with the cool kids at the computer chip salesman’s table. Jack: I don’t believe you’ve ever told me your last name. Julie: Romanov Jack: To love somebody, is to want to be with that person forever. Jack/Phelous (v/o): (bored voice) Wow, I found out your last name, I totally love you and stuff. Must be because we have the best poorly framed dates ever. Jack/Lupa (v/o): And don’t forget, we adjust the camera during our shitty close-ups, the most important start to any relationship. (Cut to Jack, back at work, back on the phone with Tony.) Jack: Hi Tony, it’s Jack from STELLAchip. Tony: You know, I’m really not interested. Please don’t bother me. (Hears Jack’s counter offer.) Free ticket to Las Vegas, huh? Well, you’re gonna have to do a whole lot better than that if you’re gonna get me to buy anything that I don’t need. (Cut to Rod on the phone with a customer at his job in Birdemic.) Rod: I’ll give you that and 50% discount; can we close the deal to day? Tony/ Michael Wait (From “Troll 2.” v/o): Do you see this? You know what it means? Hospitality and you can’t piss on hospitality, I WON”T ALLOW IT! (Jack is disappointed by the failed sale. Depressing music from “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!” plays. We then cut to Julie and Jack at a museum, looking at a painting. Whenever we see the painting, it’s clearly a still photo of the actors looking at a photo-shopped in painting.) Jack: Who is the woman in the painting? Julie: Ada Lovelace Lupa (v/o): Ah! Did anyone look at what they were doing during editing? Phelous (v/o): Don’t worry, it looks like a real painting; you know, from a distance. (Cut to Lupa looking at a painting in the hallway out the hotel room. Phelous walks towards her.) Lupa: (Monotone voice) Stand back, this picture’s got painting flu virus! (Phelous walks to her anyway.) I told you to stand back, this painting’s contaminated! Phelous: Wow, Allison, where did you find this real painting? Lupa: Well, Phelan, it was in the hotel this whole time! (We cut to them looking at the picture, also photo-shopped and is part of several still frames of Lupa and Phelous movie their arms when they were still earlier.) Phelous (v/o): it looks slightly off. Lupa (v/o): IT”S NOT WEIRD! (Makes Dog noises) (Julie and Jack are now in a forrest, looking at a big tree.) Julie: I just love looking at these redwood sequoia trees (Cut to the Tree hugger in “Birdemic.”) Tree Hugger: The spruce bark beetles are eating these trees to death. Julie: (Goes to another tree.) And this one is called a sequoia sempervirens. Tree Hugger: I remember when those beetles used to die out during the winter. Julie: Most of them are over a thousand years old. Tree Hugger: Damn global warming! Julie: Forever green and living. Tree Hugger: Oh, I hear a mountain lion! (Cut to the fake mountain lion from Phelous’ review of “Birdemic.”) Phelous: (To Lupa) So, how come you didn’t show the mountain lion in your review (of “Birdemic”)? Lupa: Darn it, I should’ve! (She nods in agreement for several seconds until we cut to Julie and Jack on the beach.) Phelous: I’ve got another re-used location from “Birdemic!” (Fakes holds up something.) Lupa: (Also fakes holds something) I’ve got seaweed! Phelous: Good! Phelous (v/o) Oh sweet, another boring restaurant scene! Lupa (v/o): Or it would be a boring restaurant scene if they weren’t shooting in an apartment. But thank goodness, the framing hasn’t improved. (Julie and Jack are the very edges of the screen with the table taking up a lot of space.) Phelous (v/o): Well, obviously, they can’t shoot any further back or this wonderful illusion of being in a restaurant would be ruined! Jack: Which school was it, Grant University? Julie: (Evasive) Could you please pass some more sweet and sour pork? Jack: You don’t like talking about past, do you? Jack: You never even told me where you grew up. Julie: Is it really that important to you? Lupa (v/o): So, suddenly, she doesn’t want to talk about anything in her life, including the school she already told him about? Jack: Perhaps I should mention, I don’t even know where you live now either. Julie: Yes, I went to Grant Univeristy. Phelous Oh hey, Allison, can I ask you something? Lupa: Sure, you can ask me anything! Phelous: Uh, what’s your middle name? Lupa: (Gets closer to him, angry) TOO FAR! (Julie and Jack then take a walk through china town.) Jack: Listen, Julie… Phelous: Great continuity! Julie: I’m a very private person. Lupa (v/o): Yes, so private, Romanov. Jack: I’ve loved you for a long time. Jack/Phelous (v/o): Yeah, I totally love you, complete stranger. Julie: I’ve always needed someone like you. Jack: So, are you ready to tell me about yourself? Julie: (Shakes her head) No. Lupa: (To Phelous) So, you ready to continue this review? Phelous: No, I’m far to private, a person to continue reviews. (They look at each other awkwardly for several seconds. Cut back to Jack at his cubicle, calling Tony again.) Jack: For 500 pieces, that’s the best I can give you, Tony. Tony/”Birdemic” Tony (v/o): Thank you! Thanks! (Cut to another staff meeting.) Bob: We’ve got one of the hottest chips on the market, yet sales are down! Staff member/Lupa (v/o): Maybe we shouldn’t just harass people for 2 years. Bob: But look at Jack, the state of the economy doesn’t seem to be slowing him down! (The employees applaud Jack, Jill looks jealous. We then cut to the applause scene from “Birdemic”) Bob (v/o): From last place to 1st place in 3 months! Bob: Just what have you been eating? Jack: Could be the TK noodles. (Phelous and Lupa laugh at this.) Phelous: The noodles! Lupa: That doesn’t help your work performance at all! Phelous: That was a good one! Employee: Well, from what I’ve heard, you’ve just been dating some hot woman. Jack: I’m pleading the 5th on that one! (We cut to more of the staff meeting applause scene from “Birdemic.” We then cut to Julie and Jack in a park, dressed in 1920s costumes, flute music plays in the background. As birds fly by, they explode like “Birdemic.”) Julie: I just love dressing up in these 1920s costumes for this “Great Gatsby” party, (chuckles) so fun! Jack: They seem to think that you’re the true secret to my success. (Guy is seen in shot) Random person/Lupa (v/o): Hey, what are you doing over there? Random person 2/Phelous (v/o): Stop throwing your fucking shit over there Nguyen! Random person 3/Phelpus (v/o): Booze! Random person 4/Lupa (v/o): Shut the fuck up, Dimples McGee! Random person 5/Phelous (v/o): Why did the boredom attack? Random person 6/Lupa (v/o): Quit bugging the birds! Where is that flute music coming from? Jack: (Gestures to the whole park.) I know none of this is real! I know these columns, aren’t real. (The columns turn pixilated for a second.) These birds are fake. (The birds turn pixilated too as we cut to an ABC news interview with James Nguyen.) James Nguyen: I think from a distance, those look pretty realistic. Jack: That’s all just virtual reality! Lupa: Wow, so this whole thing has been in a virtual reality? Looks pretty fucking good for a virtual reality, Don’t you think James? James Nguyen: I think, from a distance, you know. Phelous: Allison, I know this James Nguyen isn’t real! (James Nguyen becomes pixilated, Lupa gasps.) Phelous (v/o): Yeah, that’s right, everything Jack and Julie have been doing this whole time has been in a virtual world! Lupa (v/o) Virtual street cars, virtual woods, virtual restaurants, virtual background people, virtual rock layers, virtual gifts, virtual lines, virtual cell phone, virtual costume parties. Phelous: You know, if I was taking my girlfriend into virtual reality, maybe I’d like to take her to a private chat and maybe somewhere a little more interesting than a virtual local restaurant. Lupa: (Sarcastically) Who’d want to date you? (The camera spins as they have their hands out) EHH! Get it? Jack: I want to touch you! Julie/Lupa (v/o): I want to have more virtual dinners with you. Phelous (v/o): I guess virtual dinners must taste great or mimicking eating is a lot more fun than I imagined. (We then cut to Phelous and Lupa, pretending to eat, and they do not enjoy this.) Lupa: No, I don’t get it. Phelous, This is dumb. Jack: Heaven forbid, we never talk about Julie Romanov! Phelous (v/o): What have you ever said about you, Jack, outside of the fact that you’re a computer chip salesman? Lupa (v/o): You’ve spent most of the time talking about Julie, you hypocrite! The audience doesn’t even know more about you besides your job! (Julie leaves the area, causing jack to take off his VR helmet, where we see he was back at his apartment. The laptop screen shows he’s on Internet explorer with a caption on the site that says “’Lady Renegade’ has logged off. Please try again later.”) Jack: Come on! Phelous: Oh yeah, it’s the virtual reality program that you can run on internet explorer! Lupa: Well, Internet explorer runs everything perfectly, Phelan, all you need to do is wear your goggles that may or may not be connected to the computer and then you press enter and internet explorer will enter your brain. (Phelous goes to the other bed to put on his VR helmet) Phelous: No wonder I’ve been feeling so slow lately. Lupa: EW! I didn’t know you were logging into Internet Explorer, perfect virtual reality behind my back! I don’t want to do this review anymore! Phelous: No!!!! (Captions pops up: “’Obscurus Lupa’ has quit the review until the next shot. Please try again later.”) Lupa (v/o): Anyway, it’s back to wacky asshat’s (Mark) place for more ‘getting random women he’s screwing to answer the door for him.’ Phelous (v/o): Also, nice that every girl just lets this guy they don’t know into asshat’s place, huh? Jack/Johnny from “The Room” (v/o): (To Mark, from “Julie and Jack) Oh, Hi Mark! Phelous (v/o): Jack-Rod and Asshat talk about, what else,… Lupa (v/o): Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex,…they’re talking about sex. (Cut to Lupa and Phelous on the 2 beds, the frame looks like they’re both at the edges of it with the lamp shining brightly in the middle.) Lupa: Hey Phelan, how you doing? Phelous: This framing is really shitty. Lupa: (Disappointed) Augh! Phelous: (Gets up) Yeah, let’s finish the review. Oh and Allison, sorry about the shitty framing thing, I’ll be back where we were filming before. (We then cut to Jack having dinner with his mom, Nancy, played by Patsy van Ettinger, who also played Evelyn Tyler’s mom in “Replica” Natalie’s mom in “Birdemic 1 and 2.”) Lupa (v/o): Then, we finally learn something about Jack, he has the same mother as Natalie from “Birdemic.” Phelous: Wait, so, does that make him Natalie’s brother? Lupa: Is this the prequel to birdemic? (They realize.) Both: BIRDEMIC 0!!! AHHHH!!!!
* Well, we never do find out Natalie’s or her mother last name and Nat’s mom is credited as Nancy in “Birdemic 2.” Phelous (v/o): Anyway, Nat Mom (Nancy Livingstone) tells Jack that she really loves retirement. Lupa (v/o): It gives her time help him with his modeling career and help James Nguyen produce his garbage. (Patsy is an executive producer for the film.) Then she can get back to arranging assortments and hors d’oeurvres. (Jack is then walking in the park, where he spots a blonde woman.) Jack: Julie? (It’s not her.) Phelous/Jack (v/o): Yeah, I have no idea where Julie actually lives. But, I thought you, random woman who doesn’t even have the same hair, might be her. Lupa (v/o): But, it’s ok cuz now, Jack goes into full on stalker mode and starts contacting everyone Julie ever knew, starting with… (Jack heads to Grant University, where he meets Julie computer Professor, Professor Tran, played by James Nguyen.) Jack: Professor Tran? Professor Tran: Yeah? Lupa and Phelous: Director Cameo!!! Jack: Can I speak to you for a moment? Prof. Tran: I…I got to get a cup of coffee. (We then cut to Prof. Tran with coffee, sitting down with Jack.) Prof. Tran: ‘Course I remember Julie, Jack. I mean, she was my best student, ever, here. I talked a lot about computer science… Lupa (v/o): How was it possible to act like you don’t give a shit in your own movie? Phelous (v/o): Yeah, wow James, did you really think you’re acting here looked good? (Cut back to James Nguyen’s ABC interview.) James Nguyen: Well, I think, from a distance, you know? Prof. Tran: Julie was very fascinated by neural computers. Jack: Neural computers? Prof. Tran: Yeah, it’s like that HAL 9000 computer in that movie, “Space Odyssey: 2001.” Lupa (v/o): Oh, good comparison or are you trying to say Julie was trying to kill us all? Prof. Tran: In theory, using nanotechnology, in theory, one could build a super computer. Lupa (v/o): Yeah, Julie is working on some nanotechnology to make intelligent computers. Pfft, too bad they don’t have anything like that yet! Phelous (v/o): Except, you know, that absolutely perfect virtual reality world, which has realized its full potential: dating websites! Jack: That;s fascinating. Prof. Tran: Yeah. (Looks at his watch) Uh, well Jack, you know, I gotta go now. (Cut back to Phelous and Lupa, he looks at wrist, pretending there’s a watch there.) Phelous: Oh, looks like this review is running long. Lupa: (In pretend slow motion) Noooooope! Phelous: (Puts his arm back down.) Ok. (Jack then talks to an old business partner of Julie’s, Raju Patel.) Raju Patel: (To Jack) I was one of the cofounders of “JB Software.” I’ve never met anyone who could do the kinds of things Julie did. It was a great company! (We then cut to the past, when Raju and Julie started “JB Software.” We see a big sign of the company next to Raju. We then cut to Lupa and Phelous at a wall in the hotel room, with a wigh for “JB Software” on it.) Lupa: Now we’re filming on location at “JB Software!” Phelous: Spared no expense! (The point at the sign.) Lupa: (Mouths) There’s a sign! Phelous (v/o): So, back at “JB ‘Paper on the wall’ Software,” Julie fixed one line of code and stole full credit for the voice recognition software. (Cut back to Raju talking to Jack.) Raju: (Happy) She made millions off her stock options, alone! Raju/Lupa (v/o): And I got jack-shit! (Laughs) She really fucked me over! Raju/Phelous (v/o): And, do I know a thing about where my old business partner actually is? Nope! (Cut to Jack driving to the ominous “Birdemic” opening music. He goes to “Spaceship Ventures,” a company that 1st invested in “JB Software.”) Lupa (v/o): And then, Jack goes to see this guy and it’s (The scene) is really boring. Spaceship Ventures Guy: And that’s the last time I saw Julie. (Cut to Jack back his apartment. He sees that Julie is back on the dating website.) Phelous/Jack (v/o): Huh, what? Lupa (v/o): But, it’s ok, cause Jack finds Julie right after. She was just stick in an FMV game. Phelous (v/o): And then Jack has to play a mini game to see what he gets to wear in the virtual world. (Virtual Jack walks to virtual Julie. Caption comes up, reads: “New Outfit unlocked! You can now use boring attire whenever you wish.” And when we see more of the 2 with the sun making them look very white, another caption reads: “Extra over exposure points!”) Julie: I had to do a lot of thinking about us. Jack: That doesn’t sound good. Julie/Lupa: I can’t believe you wanted to get intimate when we started dating! Phelous: Yeah, like wanting to know basic information, usually those things stay private. Julie: Jack, it’s not like I don’t love you. In fact, I do love you and that’s why I have to…I have to stop seeing you. Jack, if you love me, you’ll stay away. Julie/Lupa (v/o): Why did I join a dating website again? Phelous (v/o): After doing some of that thinking that can do no good, Jack goes to see Julie’s best friend. Susan: Julie? She’s a good friend of mine. Yeah, how is she doing? Lupa: I guess they weren’t that close. Phelous (v/o): We then learn that Julie did college things at college and dated this one guy (Richard Smith), but doesn’t anymore. Lupa (v/o): Rough life. Phelous/Jack (v/o): So hey, I’ll go ask her ex about how their relationship failed, I’m sure he’s love to tell me that and how to stalk her! (Jack heads to the house of Julie’s parents, which is filmed at the same house Rod from “Birdemic” lived) Lupa (v/o): Next on Jack’s stalker trip is Wooden Rod’s house. (We then intercut Jack and Rod at the door.) Jack: Hi, I’m jack. I’m looking for Julie. You must be her father? Rod: Yeah, yeah, come on in. Phelous (v/o): But guess what, it’s not actually Rod’s place, it’s Tippi Hedren’s. (She plays Julie McNeal, who with her husband, Tom McNeal, are Julie Romanov’s adopted parents.) Julie McNeal: How may we help you? Jack: Julie Romanov? Julie McNeal/Lupa (v/o): Yes, that’s out daughter, come on in and I’ll tell you all about it, random stranger who showed up at the door. (As Jack and Tom McNeal sit down, Julie McNeal feeds her pet birds in their cage.) Lupa: Ahhh! IT’S THE SCENE FROM “BIRDEMIC!!!” Phelous: Yeah, apparently in the “Birdemic” universe, this plays on TV. Lupa: I wonder why Natalie wanted to know why her brother was on television? Phelous: I think she just usually watches him before having sex. Lupa: That would make sense. Julie McNeal: (To Jack) We were so proud of her, she was our hope, she was our dream. Lupa (v/o): It’s no wonder James Nguyen kept advertising Tippi Hedren was in this movie, she’s clearly the best actor in it, far more than he deserves. Jack: But, I don’t understand, I just spoke with Julie a couple days ago. Tom McNeal: Not unless you were talking to a ghost. Phelous: Yeah, but he wouldn’t be doing that now, would he? Lupa: Yeah, that’d be fucking stupid! Phelous (v/o): So, as it turns out, Julie died from a brain tumor, but transferred her mind into the computer, before dying…um, at some point, from her bedroom at her mother’s, apparently. Lupa: Yeah, he’s talking to a ghost. Julie McNeal/Phelous (v/o): Oh well, we won’t ask how you knew our dead daughter, want to know where her grave is? (Jack then goes to visit her grave, the gravestone is clearly photoshopped. This causes Phelous and Lupa to laugh.) Lupa: No, no. Lupa (v/o): But that fake grave doesn’t bother Jack as much as this one! (The gravestone now reads “Jack Livingston (imdb said “Livingstone”): We believed in him even when his sales was low.” Jack upset, goes back to the dating website to talk to Julie.) Julie: You went looking for me, didn’t you? Jack, this is exactly what I was trying to prevent! Lupa: I just got one question for you then, Julie: “WHY DID YOU GO ON AN INTERNET DATING WEBSITE?!?!” Phelous: Yeah, she really is kind of a terrible person if you think about it. If you’re dead, it might be something to bring up on the 1st date. You know kind of let them know what they’re getting into! Julie: 2 years ago, when I was near death, I transferred my mind into this neural computer, which I developed. (Said computer appears, it looks like a silver ball with a single black line.) Jack: That’s impossible! Julie: Not anymore, it isn’t, I’ve been working on this for years. (Cut to Phelous and Lupa with the neural computer.) Phelous: So, I transfered my mind into the Death Star, here. Julie/Lupa: Or a Disco Ball, whatever. When and how did I do this? Phelous (v/o): This truly was a remarkable breakthrough and really raises some interesting questions about the nature of… (Phelous swats the neural computer away.) Phelous: Who cares, next scene! (Julie is then shown at the lower right of the frame.) Julie: It’s amazing what you start to miss. Julie/Phelous (v/o): Like properly framed scenes. Julie: 1st, you miss the big things in life like… Julie/Phelous (v/o)…dating websites, so that’s why I decided to haunt first. Jack: (Angry) How could you do this to me?!?! How could you trick me?!?! (Julie is head is then shown partly our of the scene.) Jack/Lupa (v/o): Don’t try to escape the screen, you can’t get out of this! Jack/Phelous: It’s just that, I’ve never actually dated a ghost before! Lupa: Can you even really date a ghost? Jack: I do care about you, Julie, I just can’t love you right now. Julie: (Sad) It’s the sex, isn’t it? Jack: I don’t care about the sex! (Beat) Ok, I care about the sex. Jack/Phelous (v/o): Virtual sex is not as good as virtual eating; you have to understand, Julie! Lupa (v/o): After all of Jack’s problems of dating a ghost and working for global warming, what he needs is spiritual love. (Jack goes to church, led by Father Love, played by Damien Carter from “Birdemic 1 and 2.” Father Love, the choir and the church band sing a song called “Spiritual Love.”) Lupa (v/o): You know, the perfect song for this situation. Weird, huh? (Phelous and Lupa also dance to “Spiritual Love.”) Lupa: We can’t dance, for shit! Phelous: Yeah! Lupa: Father Love! WOO! We both can’t dance! Phelous (v/o): He (Jack) goes to see Father Love. Lupa (v/o): Damien Carter. Phelous and Lupa: Hanging out with the family! (The church song scene plays again, dubbed over with Damien Carter’s “Just Hanging Out” from “Birdemic.”) Lupa (v/o): So, Damien Carter (Father Love) tells Jack, he some how looks green screened in, when he’s actually there. Phelous (v/o): And Jack tells him that didn’t help at all, what he really needs is a reminder that sales are high! (We cut to another staff meeting at ”STELLA chip.” Bill arrogantly believes he’s won an award and braggingly points to himself.) Bob: The “STELLAchip” sales person of the quarter award, it goes to an employee who is truly shown what is possible in the sale of computer chips. (Phelous and Lupa mock Bill by also pointing at themselves.) An employee who will not only go home with this simple symbol of achievement, but also go home with a fat bonus check! And some of you are to be commended for your efforts these past weeks in turning your sales figures around from a personal low last month. You really came through last week and actually end up with a personal high for this quarter. JACK LIVINGSTONE! (As the other employee’s applaud Jack, Lupa and Phelous look disappointed that they didn’t get the award.) Jack: Wow, thank you, everyone… (Phelous cries and puts his head on Lupa.’s shoulder.) Lupa: Get off of me. Jack: I owe a lot to all of you. Jack/Lupa (v/o): I just want to say; I never would’ve been employee of the year (actually, of the quarter), if I hadn’t started dating a ghost. Phelous (v/o): Stand back, he’s contaminated with ghost flu virus! (jack then returns to the virtual world to wait for Julie.) Lupa (v/o): Awkward framing, then dissolve to the same awkward framing, and then she walks in later. Phelous (v/o): You know, like when you log into most things, you need to virtually walk to other users before interacting. (As the embrace each other, we see that the wind is affecting the sound equipment.) Jack: I’m in love with you. Julie: I missed you. (Caption pops up: ‘Virtual wind hits your mic. Minus 10 love poits.”) Lupa (v/o): So, after sleeping on it and realizing how much she helped his sales, Jack decides he can love a ghost. After which, Julie pulls her final prank on Jack. Her ghost hard drive is failing, so guess what that means? Lupa: She’s getting deleted! Phelous: And she’s a horrible, horrible person. Julie: (sad) A happy life. (People are in the background again.) Random Person 7/Lupa (v/o): Hey, are we ruing your scene? I hate this dating website! La la la la la la la la! Hey! Hey, look over here! Your movie sucks! Phelous: So James (Nguyen), what did you think of your 1st movie? Still think it looks good? James Nguyen (ABC Interview): Well, I think from a distance, you know? Lupa: So, that’s “Julie and Jack!” If you liked the first half of “Birdemic,” you’ll love this! Lupa (v/o) It’s, somehow, better put together than “Birdemic,” though, that’s not saying much. Phelous (v/o): This story was fucking stupid; I liked the bummer ending though. Ha ha ha, stupid Jack! (Cut back to Phelous, he realizes that Lupa is not there.) Phelous: Lupa? Lupa? Allison? Where are you? (He finds a note on the bed, narrated by Lupa.) Lupa (v/o): “Yeah, sorry to tell you I was an Internet ghost. Just like the movie, get it? At least we had this review together, not that it’ll make any sense anyway sinit’ll just ne you talking to air. But, oh well, it wasn’t going to be a good video anyway. I wish I could’ve met you before I died, though. Just so you could explain to me how an Internet ghost writes a note on paper.” Phelous: (Sad, drops the note) Allison, no. (He breaks down crying onto the floor as we cut to the end credits.) (The End.)
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