OKAY, there, screwed up the spelling on the last one, anyway, just take a look and tell me what you think, and stuff...thanks. HungryHippo1492 11:50, November 23, 2009 (UTC) I'm in here now. 24 hours. If you ignore this note and review an article I have booked I will shoot a Dolphin in retalliation. --ChiefjusticeDS 10:38, November 26, 2009 (UTC)
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| rdfs:label
| - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Legalized Prostitution
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| rdfs:comment
| - OKAY, there, screwed up the spelling on the last one, anyway, just take a look and tell me what you think, and stuff...thanks. HungryHippo1492 11:50, November 23, 2009 (UTC) I'm in here now. 24 hours. If you ignore this note and review an article I have booked I will shoot a Dolphin in retalliation. --ChiefjusticeDS 10:38, November 26, 2009 (UTC)
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| Mcomment
| - My overall grade of the article.
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| Pcomment
| - Your prose cause you some problems here, I noted in your review request that you had difficulties with spelling last time, I'm glad to see that you have worked on this well, the next step is to get the grammar right. I'm noticing a lot of careless mistakes, incorrect word usage and a fair number of instances of comma splicing. Instances like this "nobody has no intention to ever end the perpetuation of this system" should be checked for too. These issues affect a large number of writers so there is no need to panic. My advice for fixing this up would be to proofread the article carefully especially after you make any signinficant edits to it, if you don't like proofreading or you feel you won't do the job well enough then the proofreading service is on hand to help, if you would like to take advantage of our services then simply add this template: to your article or peruse the UN:PS members list and ask a member on their talk page. Otherwise your formatting isn't too bad, I can only suggest ensuring that images are not squeezing text between each other, if this is a persistent issue don't worry about it too much, it is only an aesthetic issue. Try also to avoid placing templates directly on top of images, it looks quite scruffy.
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| Icomment
| - Your images are fine for the most part, my only recommendation being for you to take a second look at your captions, especially if you make any major changes to your humour. The captions aren't at all bad at the moment and you don't have very much more work to do on these.
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| Ccomment
| - Right, your concept is quite good and, while I have seen articles written using similar ideas to this one, your writing still feels original enough to stop the article being dull. My problem in this regard is with your tone. I noticed that you are writing with the encyclopaedic tone, which is probably the best one to use for an article like this one, the problem is that you cannot use the encyclopaedic tone and still be colloquial. Saying things like "then sparks a sudden drive to do the 'ol "No Pants Disco". For most, this is a tedious method to get their bone on" at the start of your article brings any scientific or professional tone to a juddering halt and lingers in the readers mind throughout the article. A great deal of humour lies in the article being believable in it's own context, professional language and tone help this along quite a bit. Try taking a look at Wikipedia articles for some guidelines on the encyclopaedic tone and have a look at this article for a good example of it's use.
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| Hcomment
| - OK, your humour had isn't too bad and you certainly seem to know what you are doing. I did, however, notice a couple of problems which I recommend you take a look at. The first thing I noticed was that your jokes, while valid in most cases seem incoherent in others. You should try to avoid getting bogged down in the set-up for your jokes, a good example of this is the build-ip to the Cavepeople dialogue. Take a second look at this build-up, you are having a relatively common difficulty in that you seem to be trying to tell several jokes at once, you are trying to emphasise that the system of having a relationship isn't very good and at the same time trying to make a joke about women and then trying to tie that in to the article's running joke, that relationships are just legalised prostitution. This attempt to try to tell all the jokes and still be concise feels more confused than amusing. My advice for fixing this would be to slow everything down, when you want to make several jokes try to make sure that they aren't consistently overlapping, it is OK for you to do this with your running joke, but just try to make sure you aren't doing it with other jokes. Take a look at other parts of the article for other instances of this, it may be advantageous to read as though you are seeing the article for the first time.
The other problem I noticed is that while being sexist is OK and making jokes that are detrimental to women are fine as well, you should try to avoid making the jokes simply because you can. Your conclusion to the article seemed particularly guilty of this, the joke seemed unnecessary and seemed to belabour an already obvious point. My advice, if you want to keep the joke desperately,would be to consider making it a bit more subtle. Besides these problems your humour is OK, you are definitely on the right lines.
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| Fcomment
| - Your article feels as though it is on it's way to being good and I can clearly see the potential for it to be better than it is currently. I understand that there is a lot of criticism in this review, but I would urge you to continue to make improvements as the article is enjoyable and you do display a talent for writing. Just weed out those final difficulties and you will have a very solid article to show for it. If you have any questions or comments for me then feel free to leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.
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| abstract
| - OKAY, there, screwed up the spelling on the last one, anyway, just take a look and tell me what you think, and stuff...thanks. HungryHippo1492 11:50, November 23, 2009 (UTC) I'm in here now. 24 hours. If you ignore this note and review an article I have booked I will shoot a Dolphin in retalliation. --ChiefjusticeDS 10:38, November 26, 2009 (UTC)
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