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- The birthday of the Fabled and Enigmatic Roget, whoever he is.
Celebrations include getting the day off, singing sea chanties about lobsters and wolves dressed as lobsters, and dressing as yellow owls.
- Though YALORT was never born, this is what we celebrate as YALORT's Birthday. I don't know why it's on that day. Celebrations include making a massive cake, full of as many candles as possible, singing 'Happy Birthday' to YALORT, and waiting for Him to blow the candles out. If anyone else blows the candles out, they are to be executed. No exceptions. Oh, and the cake must be covered in a highly volatile liquid. This holiday, when celebrated properly, causes lots of casualties.
- One of the High Priests of Long Ago was called Emperor Piggle XXIV. He wasn't actually the emperor of anything, and he wasn't the twenty-fourth of anything, either, but he was quite mad. He was really fat, too, with a massive pink beard and eyes that twitched all the time and looked in different directions to each other. He used to wear a woman's dress all the time , and a pirate captain's hat. He was, as I said, quite mad.
He also used to break into peoples' houses, but instead of stealing anything, he'd leave a bunch of assorted treasures or toys or something. Right before stealing a bunch of other assorted treasures or toys or something. I mean, what he basically did was take things from one house, then move on to the next, leave what he'd just stolen there, and then steal things from that house of about equal value to what he'd left, only to move onto the next house and do the same again.
He really was quite mad.
He is memorable, though, and so, for some reason, we honour his memory by devoting a day to him. On this day, Yalortians give gifts to one another, like Emperor Piggle XXIV, uh, 'gave gifts' to people.
Also, since Emperor Piggle XXIV was such a huge fan of explicit pornography, we decorate our houses during this time with pornographic images and paraphernalia. Most people get a prostitute to stand in the corner of their living room .
The children love this holiday!
- Celebrations include getting two days off, one for the actual holiday , and one for 'recovery' .
- This one's just... confusing. Also, since it's declared in the Official Booke Of Yalortianne Holidayyse as being on the '-8nd of Septembuary', nobody really celebrates it. We still get the day off, though. Because why not?
- Same as the previous two, but on a different day.
- The Birthday of Everyone's Favourite Mainstream Paladin !
Celebrations include getting the day off, and pretending to be Paladins. This includes dressing in armour and going out and fighting monsters with swords. If no monsters are available, random people will do. If no swords are available, a meat cleaver, large knife, or chainsaw will do. If no armour is available, you are to go out nude.
This holiday is also known to cause many casualties. And shame. Lots of that, too.
- Same as above, but on a different day. YALORT couldn't decide what day would be best for His Birthday , so He chose three days. The celebrations are the same.
- In which we celebrate the glory of Baked Fish, or something. It all started when some guy said 'hey, let's make a day celebrating Baked Fish!' several years ago. Or something.
Celebrations include thinking about eating baked fish and getting the day off. However, you aren't allowed to eat Baked Fish on this day for Legal Reasons.
- To quote from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal ; you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
- Yarr! ...I won't even attempt to try to speak like a pirate in this description. And though this isn't really a Yalortian holiday, we acknowledge it anyway. Because, come on! Pirates! PIRATES!!
- The day in which we celebrate the Dictionary in all its glory. It started when some Yalortian High Priest decided that he liked Dictionaries, and thought there should be a day devoted to them. Only Universal Dictionaries, though; he considered any other type of Dictionary to be Cursed.
Celebrations involve gathering in groups, where one person sits on a chair and reads a Universal Dictionary - the entire Dictionary - to the others who are sat in a circle around him or her. The epitome of excitement.
Oh, and we get the day off, too.
- Very similar to Universal Dictionary day, except this one is about Revised Editions of the Dictionary. Or any other book, really. As long as the book says 'Revised Edition' somewhere on its cover, then it's acceptable.
We get the day off for this.
- On this day, we read selected poems about jellybeans, figs, wildebeest, or Antarctica. The poems must be read to live cats. Nothing else. Nobody seems to know how it started, what it has to do with YALORT or Yalortism, or why we celebrate it.
But at least we get the day off.
- We spend this day eagerly awaiting Selected Poems Day, which is the day after. Some people die of excitement and impatience on this day. Usually by imploding.
We get the day off. Who could concentrate on anything else when overcome with such excited anticipation about Selected Poems?
- The day YALORT made the Earth!
There aren't really any ceremonies involved, except getting the day off.
Oh, and you aren't allowed to leave your house on this day. If you do, you are to be executed.
- We now have a lonewolf day every year! And all the children in years to come will be very grateful YALORT created him because they would get a day off school.
And they will get to make lonewolf shaped piñatas and cakes and will be allowed to eat little lonewolf shaped animal crackers. And there will be much rejoicing.
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