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| - Littlecloud, Mothwing, Willowshine, Kestrelflight, and Flametail were gathered around the Moonpool. It was the night after Jayfeather had disappeared through a vortex, and the medicine cats had gathered to ask StarClan's advice. "Who will be my secret mate now?" Willowshine asked herself. "Now JayxWillow will never come to be..." "What?" said Flametail. "Nothing," said Willowshine quickly. Kestrelflight cleared his throat to speak. "We are gathered here," he announced, "to ask StarClan who should be ThunderClan's medicine cat now that Jayfeather has disappeared. I am the one announcing this, by the way, since our being grouped together in a slash shipping gives me the right to speak for him." "Warriors slash?" asked Mothwing in disbelief. "But it's a kids' series!" Suddenly, a black she-cat burst out of the ground. "I'll do it! I trained as a medicine cat!" "And that training was a fail the likes of which the Clans have never seen before," retorted Littlecloud. "Besides, Hollyleaf, you're supposed to be dead." "Oh, right. Sorry!" The black she-cat sank back under the ground, the disarrayed soil reorganizing itself after her. "Moving on..." said Kestrelflight. The medicine cats touched noses to the Moonpool. When they awoke, they all stood in front of Bluestar, Lionheart, and Spottedleaf in StarClan's territory. "Jayfeather has disappeared," said Bluestar. "We didn't need you to tell us that!" hissed Flametail. "Anyway," continued Bluestar, "Jayfeather has disappeared and ThunderClan is without a medicine cat. Lionheart, Spottedleaf, and I will tell you how to find a new one. Lionheart, you don't get to say much in these visits. You'll tell them about our plan." Lionheart dipped his head to his leader and spoke. "Thank you, Bluestar. StarClan have decided that you should hold a daylight Gathering on the island and ask every cat what they know about herbs. The cat which does best shall be ThunderClan's next medicine cat." "But who will judge?" asked Mothwing. "You medicine cats," replied Spottedleaf. The dream began to fade, and the medicine cats woke up on the cold rocks beside the Moonpool. The next day was the day of the Gathering. ThunderClan went first. "ThunderClan has two new warriors," announced Cinderstar. "Dovewing and Ivypool." The Clans cheered for the new warriors, and Cinderstar nodded to Onestar for him to speak. "Our deputy, Ashfoot, was killed by a fox. Our new deputy is Owlwhisker. He led a patrol and chased off the fox, and it is no longer a threat." ShadowClan and RiverClan had nothing to report. Before the Gathering could end, however, Littlecloud and Mothwing jumped up on the old oak and yowled, "Wait! We have an announcement!" Mothwing nodded to Littlecloud for him to speak. "Jayfeather disappeared a quarter-moon ago," the small tabby meowed. "The medicine cats all gathered at the Moonpool and asked StarClan for advice. Bluestar, Lionheart, and Spottedleaf came to us and said that we should hold a daylight Gathering and all of the cats will be assessed on their knowledge of herbs. It will be like a contest, and the cat who knows the most will join ThunderClan as a medicine cat." Cinderstar was skeptical. "How will we know that the new medicine cat will be loyal to ThunderClan?" she asked suspiciously. "ThunderClan have taken in cats before without questioning their loyalty. Cloudtail, Moonstripe, Purdy, and all the others do their best to help their Clan, even though they weren't born there. If you question the loyalty of your new medicine cat, it will be a first." Cinderstar considered this for a moment, then nodded. "Very well then," she mewed, eyes narrowed. "We will participate in the daylight Gathering." The next day, all of the cats were gathered in a grassy field on RiverClan territory, under a large pine tree. Suddenly, a small Twoleg appeared. "Who are you?" asked Kestrelflight, bristling. "I'm Ryan Seacrest," said the Twoleg, smiling. "I heard you were having a talent search, and I, with my experience on American Idol, would like to help you. But first," the Twoleg cleared his throat. "This," he said in an impressive voice, "is ThunderClan Idol!" The gathered cats cheered as Ryan Seacrest gathered them into a single-file line. He then built a platform he called a "judges' table" and had the medicine cats sit behind it. The first cat to audition was Russetfur. "Alright, Russetfur," said Flametail, "what do you use horsetail for?" "Uh..." Russetfur looked quickly at a small piece of paper. "Step lightly?" "You brought the wrong cheat sheet!" hissed Blackstar from the bushes. Suddenly, a pie fell from the sky and struck Russetfur on the head, killing her instantly. Tadpole popped out of the pie and joined the line of auditioning cats. Blackstar joined the line as well. The next cat up was Applefur. "A queen's kit just died, and you need to stop her flow of milk. What do you do?" meowed Flametail. "Uh, I think you use... parsley?" Applefur waited anxiously. "That's correct!" said Willowshine. "You're moving on to the next round!" "Do you know where you'll have the next round?" asked Ryan Seacrest. "Hmm..." muttered Willowshine. "I hadn't thought of that. I guess we should hold it at the Moonpool, to see who has the strongest connection to StarClan." "Then Applefur," said Ryan solemnly, "you're going to the Moonpool!!!!" Applefur gave a yowl of joy and bounded off. By the end of the day, they had narrowed down the pool of cats to Applefur, Tadpole, Mossypaw, Sunstrike, and Blossomfall. "They're all extremely minor characters," reflected Littlecloud. "Almost as though they had been chosen randomly from the allegiances." "He's on to me! I gotta hide!" exclaimed Ravenflight. She leaped away from her laptop, realized that Littlecloud was fictional, and then resumed writing. A quarter-moon later, the cats were gathered at the Moonpool, along with Ryan Seacrest. "This next test is to see how strong a connection to StarClan each of you have. Now, touch noses with the Moonpool. When you wake up, report your dreams. Anyone who dreams of StarClan moves on to the next round." The cats touched the water, and were soon asleep. Blossomfall was wandering through BlossomLand, which was full of flowers and rainbows and butterflies. Suddenly, Toadstep appeared. "Oh Blossomfall, you're so beautiful!" said Toadstep. Blossomfall giggled. "OMS, Toadstep, you're so funny!" she said. "So are you," said Toadstep, staring into Blossomfall's eyes. Littlecloud, who was watching her dream, gagged. "Ugh, it reads like a bad fanfic," he said, disgusted. "I've seen enough. Blossomfall's not it." Tadpole stalked through reeds, following a frog intently. Suddenly, his paw slipped, and the splash scared it away. "Fox dung!" exclaimed Tadpole. Suddenly, a sparkling cat appeared in front of him. He stared at it, bewildered. "Are you a vampire?" he asked the strange cat. "No. And where did you get the idea in your head that vampires sparkle?" Tadpole shrugged. "Some book I read." The strange cat continued. "Anyway, I am not a vampire. I am one of the spirits of your warrior ancestors." The cat looked up at the sky frustratedly. "I said, 'I AM ONE OF THE SPIRITS OF YOUR WARRIOR ANCESTORS!" Ravenflight was startled awake by the cat's shouting. She was tired out by a long week, and had forgotten the cue for a dramatic breeze. "I hope it's not too late..." she muttered. "Moving on," continued the starry warrior, "it is your destiny to be ThunderClan's medicine cat and connect them to StarClan." Tadpole shrugged again. "That doesn't sound like fun. Anyway, atheism runs in my family. Bye." And he stalked through the reeds again. Mothwing poked her head out of a clump of sedges. "Mouse dung," she muttered under her breath. "I hoped he was the one." Sunstrike sat on the Tallrock under the full moon. Silverpelt shone brightly in the sky. Sunstrike wondered which star was her mother Dewspots. She had gotten sick and died, weakened by thirst, during the great drought. Suddenly, an unmistakable spotted gray she-cat stepped softly up to her. "Mother!" exclaimed Sunstrike. Dewspots looked warmly at her daughter. "Sunstrike, I have come to tell you something-" Suddenly, a reddish-brown she-cat appeared, smelling of ShadowClan. "All right, break it up you two," she said. "This is a humor fanfic. This is not a place for fluff! Dewspots, skip the heartwarming and get on with the story, or the boss will get mad with you." And the she-cat stalked off. Dewspots sighed. "Sprucepelt is always so serious about not including fluff," she said. "Anyway, make sure you look out for foxes. The one that killed Ashfoot was part of a group, and they will attack once they find out that it's dead. Goodbye, Sunstrike." And Dewspots vanished. Kestrelflight creeped out of the rocky crevice he had been hiding in. "Alright, Sunstrike continues," he said to himself. "And I need to make sure that I keep out fluff." Mossypaw stood at the edge of a great river shining silver in the moonlight. Sprucepelt coughed warningly. "Ahem! What did I say about fluff?" "Oh, sorry!" exclaimed Ravenflight. She stopped the fluffiness. Mossypaw looked around. Where was StarClan? Suddenly, a slender tabby she-cat padded up to her. "I'm Leafpool," she said. "I was the medicine cat before Jayfeather. I died in the fox attack on ThunderClan territory." "Oh, so that's why they didn't just make you medicine cat again after he disappeared," said Mossypaw. "Yes, it's Ravenflight's justification for my existence completely slipping her mind." "Well," said Mossypaw, "aren't you going to tell me something? That's what the Moonpool is for, right?" "Oh yeah!" said Leafpool. "Onestar and Blackstar will die in the battle with the foxes, since Ravenflight hates them. Goodbye, Mossypaw, and good luck becoming ThunderClan's next medicine cat!" Leafpool faded away softly, and Mossypaw was alone. "Okay," said Willowshine to herself. "Mossypaw definitely goes on." Applefur was floating in a strange void, completely alone except for... "Flametail!" "Yes," said Flametail. "I had to follow you into your dream, and there's no cover here for me to hide until the end of the scene." "Oh. Okay. But how will I be tested here?" "Hm?" "How will you test my connection with StarClan?" "Oh. Try to summon a cat from StarClan here. And it has to be an obscure cat in StarClan." "Well, if it's obscure, then how am I supposed to know who they are?" demanded Applefur. "Touche," said Flametail. "Alright then, try summoning Shadow." "But she was the first leader of ShadowClan! You may as well tell me to understand math more complicated than addition!" "Still. Try," Flametail persisted. "Alright," huffed Applefur. She concentrated as hard as she could on bringing the first leader of ShadowClan to her strange dream-world. A pair of glowing green eyes and a faint shimmering outline told her that she'd succeeded. "What is it?" asked Shadow flatly. "Death, darkness, pain, blood, Satan..." "Since when was Shadow a goth?" asked Flametail. "Since the author thought that it would be funny," said Applefur. "Now, since I summoned her, can I go on to the next round?" "Yeah, sure, why not?" said Flametail, shrugging. "Can I go now?" asked Shadow. "I need to paint my claws black and listen to heavy metal." "Yeah," said Applefur. "But how do you un-summon a cat?" "Try not concentrating," suggested Flametail. "Okay." Applefur let her vision glaze and her mind wander. Eventually, Shadow disappeared. "Well, you definitely go on," said Flametail. "And you can stop not concentrating now." Applefur still wasn't concentrating. "Oh well." The cats were gathered around the same pine tree in RiverClan territory, with Applefur, Sunstrike, and Mossypaw standing on the "Judges' table" which Ryan Seacrest now called a "stage". He stepped up on the "stage" and smiled, and the cats cheered. "This," he announced, "is ThunderClan Idol!" The cats cheered even more, if that were possible. "Today," Ryan went on, "we will vote on the next medicine cat of ThunderClan. Flametail, pass out the leaves!" "Do I have to do everything?" grumbled Flametail as he passed them out. "Now, to vote for Sunstrike," said Ryan, pointing at Sunstrike to thunderous yowls, "put one scratch on the leaf. To vote for Mossypaw," again, he pointed to the cat in question, "put two scratches on the leaf. And to vote for Applefur, put three scratches on the leaf. You may begin voting... NOW!" The cats silently put scratches on their leaves. "What do we do when we're done?!" called Crowfrost, the new deputy of ShadowClan. "Just give them to me, and Flametail will count them," said Ryan. "WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!" cried Flametail. "Just because I'm the youngest medicine cat doesn't mean that you can push me around and make me do the boring stuff that you don't want to do yourselves!" "Yes it does," said Ryan. "It's a fact of Clan life: once you're an apprentice, you're fair game to get pushed around by cats who are older than you. Now get counting." Flametail, still grumbling, did as he was told. Eventually, all of the votes were in and counted. "Alright, all of the votes are in, and your winner," said Ryan, "... Will be announced after this commercial break!" All of the cats groaned. Tigerstar: Are you sick and tired of having dull, lifeless fur? Sorreltail: Why yes! Yes I am! Tigerstar: Are you tired of your fur getting tangled and dry? Sorreltail: I said YES! Tigerstar: Are you sick of your den getting messy and covered with dirt and grime? Sorreltail: I SAID, YES! -mauls Tigetrstar- Announcer: Please sit tight while we work out some minor difficulties. Seriously, sit tight so you'll buy our product. Tigerstar: -covered in bandages- Then buy our latest in random technology: the Everything Cleaner! Sorreltail: -awed- The Everything Cleaner? Tigerstar: Yes, the Everything Cleaner! Just pour some on your fur to give it instant body, shine, and life! Pour some on your nest to make it repel dust and dirt! Sorreltail: Oo! Tigerstar: And it's a great bargain, with one bottle selling for only 19.99.99! (plus shipping and handling) Sorreltail: Nineteen ninety-nine ninety-nine? Tigerstar: Yes, 19.99.99 (plus shipping and handling) Sorreltail: I want one! Tigerstar: Of course you do! Now buy one today! -winks and smiles- Announcer: -reeeaaally quickly- Everything cleaner is 19.99.99 plus shipping and handling Everything products is not responsible for accidents, injuries, maiming or death resulting from improper use of this product side effects include dizziness, headaches, and a sudden desire for applesauce "And we're back with ThunderClan Idol!" announced Ryan Seacrest as the cats cheered as loudly as ever. "The votes have been counted, and the winner is..." Each of the cats looked hopefully at Ryan Seacrest. "... MOSSYPAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mossypaw cheered and jumped up and down hysterically. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" she shouted at the top of her lungs. The cats cheered. Cinderstar walked up to Mossypaw to give her her full name. She cleared her throat. "I, Cinderstar," she began, "leader of ThunderClan, call upon my warrior ancestors to look down upon this cat. She has worked hard to win this contest, and I commend her to you as a medicine cat in her turn. Mossypaw, do you promise to uphold the ways of a medicine cat, even at the cost of your life?" "I do!!!!" exclaimed Mossypaw. "Now, from this day forward, I give you your full name. Mossypaw, you will be known as Mossyfern. ThunderClan honors your skill and your ability to win contests, and we welcome you as the new medicine cat of ThunderClan." Mossyfern cheered even louder as Ryan Seacrest turned to the sky. "I love this job," he said. The End
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