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| - ❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅ Oh, lights go down... In the moment we're lost and found — Birdy, Wings (Cover) INSOMNIA isn't really anything new to me. Part of my training included numbing my body to all crippling needs, and this included pushing away the desire for sleep in order to keep my mind clear. My mind isn't clear tonight, though. I pace through the tunnels like a madcat, my claws making faint clicking sounds on the stone. There is something wrestling inside me, twisting within the icy shells over my heart, struggling to get out. A small, furious, determined little monster, full of sadness and every other emotion there is. I shut my eyes and press my head to the cold tunnel wall, trying to get a hold of myself. Something rustles softly behind me. I whirl in time to see a slim brown tabby shape flutter past, taking a path down another tunnel. Everly. What is she up to now? By the time I find her again, she's not alone anymore. As she makes her way towards the exit and steps out into the night, she's flanked by two cats--Clan warriors, by the looks of it. I hurry forward in time to hear some of what she's saying to them. "... You're both in danger, see, because you're the oldest warriors, and so your leaders have offered you up..." I feel a stab of irritation, suddenly knowing exactly what this is about. I must admit, though I guessed that Everly could be impulsive, I didn't have her pinned for stupid. Not until now. Even as I think that, I exit the tunnels and let my paws land on a fresh layer of snow covering the mountainside, using all of my stealth skills to avoid detection as I follow Everly and the two warriors down the slope. My eyes track the progress of the moon in the sky; we don't have a lot of time before moonhigh. Soon, Greer will realize what's happened, and if she catches Everly... Without thinking, I take a running leap and launch myself over the heads of Everly and her companions, landing directly in front of them with an earsplitting snarl. Everly stops suddenly, and one of the warriors with her accidentally runs into her. "Lucifer?" she says in disbelief. "You're going to get in so much trouble," I hiss, fighting back the urge to shout. "When Greer catches you, she'll kill you all. Collection is painless. Your deaths when she finds you will not be." "Collection?" repeats one of the Clan warriors. She's a dark gray she-cat from RiverClan. She rounds on Everly, an accusatory look in her eyes. "You didn't say this was about Collection! You said this was a murder plot! Collection is routine. We don't need to run away from it." Sounding beyond exasperated, Everly says, "I know that's what they've told you, Dawnlight, but Collection isn't innocent at all. They're going to bring you down to the valley and kill you." "You're mad, completely insane... and why have you brought him?" adds Dawnlight, turning to look at me with a mixture of revulsion and fear. I feel my insides turn to stone. The other warrior with Dawnlight looks less hysterical. He gives Everly an appraising look. "So it's true, then? Collection means death? I've long had suspicions, but..." "Shut up," snaps Dawnlight, whirling him. "Shut up, Riverfrost. All you SnowClan warriors and your high 'n' mighty ideas, always acting like you're better than the rest of us. If I'm up for Collection, then you are too. It's for the good of the entire Triad; no one Clan can hide from duty." Everly loses her patience. "What is wrong with you?" She scrambles towards Dawnlight, who backs away, apparently convinced Everly is about to leap on her. "Greer will kill you. We don't have any time to waste. Neither of you deserves to die for being older--you've served your Clans well and they've turned their backs on you-" "I'm going with her, Dawnlight," says the SnowClan tom, Riverfrost. She stares at him in disbelief. "You trust her?" "I already trust her more than I could ever trust Blackstar," he says quietly. "But--that may be in SnowClan, but Moonstar would never let--surely not..." "Make up your mind, Dawnlight," Everly says. "We're going." And she begins to lead Riverfrost away. "Wait! I'm coming! Where are we going? The wolves are down in the valley-" "I know a place," says Everly calmly. "My family used to agree that if anything ever split us up, we'd all meet up there... it's a very sheltered hiding spot, and since there's only two of you, you won't be found." For the first time, she turns to me. "I need your help," she tells me unexpectedly. "Go back to the peak. If I'm not back by sunrise, make up something to distract Greer." "She won't care about you," I say without thinking. "She'll want to know where her two cats for Collection are. She'll be out any second, looking for them... it happens at midnight..." "Then tell her you've already killed them!" says Everly desperately. "Please, Lucifer." "Lucifer," echoes Riverfrost, so quietly that no one else even seems to hear him. I glare at him, expecting to see him staring at me as disgustedly as Dawnlight did. But his eyes are more stricken than anything else. He looks at me, and a deep sadness seems to come over his face. I am tired of cats' eyes darkening upon looking at me. I turn away from Riverfrost and lock gazes with Everly. The moonlight catches the thin band of forest green in the center of her hazel eyes. She doesn't break eye contact, and there are no shadows on her face. Something that I can't translate into words rises to the tip of my tongue. "Good luck," I mumble instead. "I'll hold Greer off." "Thank you," she breathes in relief, and then she, Dawnlight and Riverfrost are trotting down the mountain. I watch them go for as long as I can, and then turn and run back up to the peak. Greer is standing outside when I get there. Her face is hard and cold, as if carved from marble. I skid to a stop in front of her. "Don't bother," I say. "What?" Her eyes narrow as she takes me in. "What are you doing up?" "Don't bother," I repeat, "about Collection. I took care of it." "You took care of it." She raises her eyebrows. "Lucifer, do you even know what Collection is-" "Yes, yes I do. Don't worry. It was painless. Riverfrost and Dawnlight, right?" "Right," she says, still looking at me suspiciously. "Have you--" "--ever followed you? Only a couple times." I smirk. "I figured it's an excellent practice of my stealth skills, and I guess I was right, if you didn't know." Greer is silent. Her green eyes are calculating, and I know she isn't buying my story. But that doesn't mean she has a chance of guessing the truth. Praying she won't discover Everly's absence, I say in as casual a tone as I can muster, "I'm going to sleep now. It's been a long night." I trot past her and make my way to the Guard's sleeping quarters. There, I slip in and out of slumber. It's a very unrestful night, and by the time the sun peeks over the horizon, my nerves are worn thin. And still, there's no sign of Everly. I slip out while the Clans and Guard cats are busy dividing into patrols and eating a morning meal. The mountain looks so different in the dawn, I reflect as I make my way downhill. Golden sunlight glitters on the snow, turning it to crushed diamond dust. Below, the pine forest girdles the base of the mountain in deep, velvety green. And beyond that, the valley stretches out for miles, studded with sweeps of snow the wind has blown into drifts several times taller than a cat, with rocks that poke out of places the wind has bared of snow, with scrawny shrubbery and a tiny sapphire stream that trickles down from the River Thorn. Where, I wonder, as I scan the valley, is Everly? Where has she taken Riverfrost and Dawnlight? I am extra on edge when I reach the base of the mountain and strike out across the valley. I've been down here before, but compared to the mountain, which I know like the back of my paw, the valley is still a mystery. I feel uneasy. What am I even doing down here? Everly used to live here; she'll be fine on her own. It's fairly easy to pick up Everly, Riverfrost and Dawnlight's trail, much too easy; I growl softly under my breath; there's no way she can have them escape Greer by being this sloppy. I snap a pine branch off a nearby tree and drag it behind me, using it to dust away pawprints and hoping the thick scent of pine sap will obscur the scent trail. I walk for about an hour, maybe more--the sun's risen high in the sky before I finally hear voices ahead of me. I'm in a part of the valley I've never been in before. Traces of wolf scent, though several days old, make my paws prickle with anxiety. I flatten my ears and trot swiftly towards the voices I heard, but there's no visible signs of anything living around me. Everly was right; she has a good hiding place. Growling under my breath, I admit defeat and risk a tentative, "Hello? It's me, Lucifer." There's dead silence for a few heartbeats. And then the ground itself shifts; the dirt around a slab of heavy rock reveals itself to be less than substantial, and Everly slips out through a slim crack in the ground itself. It's like she emerged from nowhere; had I blinked I would've missed her appearance. She looks surprised. "Hi." "You said you'd be back by morning," I say accusingly. "It's way past morning, I had to tell Greer that I'd taken Dawnlight and Riverfrost down to the valley but you're crazy if you think I'm going to make excuses for you being missing all day--Greer's going to put things together--you left such a blatant trail--" "They're not going to find us, Lucifer, because they're not looking for us. They think Dawnlight and Riverfrost are dead; no one's going to be searching for their trail," Everly says calmly. "As for ditching you, I... I lost track of time." She squints up at the sky. "I didn't realize the sun was so high... we're underground." "I'm sorry," she adds, and she sounds sincere. I don't respond; I don't know what to say. Suddenly I feel moronic, having come all this way just to rage at her. I should've stayed on Thorn Mountain, watched Greer rip her apart when she returned late. A stupid little she-cat who never learned how to navigate life isn't my concern, and her mistakes shouldn't be my burdens. "Come in," Everly says. I stare at her in disbelief; is she really acting like I've come to visit her for the latest gossip and a mouse or two? "Come in there," I repeat, gesturing skeptically towards the dirt behind her. She smiles. "It's not as cramped as you might think. C'mon." And she slips back into the ground, disappearing into a thin opening in the ground. I contemplate just turning around and going back to Thorn Mountain, but I find myself stepping forward. It's a bit of a tight squeeze getting down; my shoulders are broader than Everly's, and I have to suck in my breath to slip down. I land on a soft earthen floor. Glancing around, I see that Everly was right: the underground chasm is a lot bigger than I would've supposed. In one corner, Riverfrost and Dawnlight look up at raise their eyebrows at my arrival. "What are you doing here?" asks Dawnlight suspiciously. She springs to her feet, paranoia and fear crossing her face. "He's led Greer here, hasn't he?" she asks. "Relax," Everly says soothingly. "He's here for a visit." "So you all made it here safely. What've you been doing, then, that's prohibited you from coming back to the mountain?" "I told you, I lost track of time," Everly says. "Would you like a mouse?" I glare at her. She shrugs and hands off the prey to Dawnlight. "Suit yourself." Her voice is light--almost too light. And her eyes keep flicking around the enclosed space, from me to the wall to Riverfrost, and then back to me. "Something's up. What aren't you telling me?" I say, putting on my most menacing voice. It doesn't have the effect it usually does. Everly hardly seems to hear me. Her eyes are thoughtful, and she's scanning my face intently, as if searching for something. She sits back with a satisfied expression. I'm at a loss. Riverfrost, however, has a suspicious look about his face. "Lucifer," he says quietly, "what has Greer told you?" "About what?" I ask, not even looking at him. "About your parents." That's all it takes for me to turn to him. I think of the boreas lux, of the white she-cat I saw dying when I was a kit. "What? Why?" "I was just wondering," says Riverfrost steadily. "You were not." I take a step towards him, and he backs into the cave wall. "The simple answer to your question is that Greer has told me precious little about my parents, and I suspect that what she did say was untrue. So if you have any information you're witholding..." I unsheathe my claws. Everly moves in front of Riverfrost. "Lucifer-" "Get out of the way." "No." Her eyes flash with real anger. "It's okay, Everly. I'll tell him what he needs to know." Riverfrost steps forward. "I knew your parents. SnowClan warriors. Your mother was a beautiful, brave she-cat. Snow-white fur, and her eyes were blue too, but..." I stiffen. I know what he's thinking: her eyes were not empty, not cold, not like mine. "And my father?" Sighing regretfully, Riverfrost says, "If I'm being perfectly honest, your father was a bit of a fool. Unworthy. Your mother was far braver than him." There is a pause. Then, "You are too. Brave, like your mother." I blink. Me, brave? I have never thought of myself as brave. After all, bravery means conquering fear, and I've had very little to fear. If I'm being perfectly honest with myself--and this is something I never could've admitted before entering the boreas lux, but now that I've gotten this horrible case of "feelings", I can't help but think it--the one thing I truly fear I have never been able to face. Greer. She made me into what I am, but she also tormented me and gave me scars as a kit that I am beginning to see I have carried with me all this time. I don't think I'll ever be able to face her. And I don't want to. I would rather be her trusted right hand. Greer offers me power, control--yes, she holds both these things over me, but she grants me the same privilege over others. So what am I doing here again, with a couple of runaways and a crazy she-cat? Why am I risking all of that? Maybe it's my small way of paying tribute to that tiny white kit, the one who cried for his mother as she bled out in the cold, indifferent snow... who later became just as cold and indifferent as that snow, who paid for his training in tears and in blood and in pain, who tore apart his own soul under Greer's watchful green eyes in order to be the something I am today. Maybe it's my way of acknowledging that I was not born this way. The world has turned against me, has made me think that everyone is my enemy, and so I turned against it. But I look at Dawnlight and Riverfrost, two cats I could've killed but didn't (and maybe that's not saying much for other cats, but I've never had a reason not to follow Greer before, even if that means the deaths of others). And I look at her, Everly, and I see a part of the world I never knew, never understood. I realize how depraved and deprived I looked to the other cats of the Snow Guard; even they, cold and ruthless as they are, have always had each other, and the laughter and safety and comfort and love that companionship brings. I don't know if I want it. I probably don't. But moons from now, even if I continue down the path Greer chose for me, I can look back and say for this moment, I chose life. I chose right. And if what Riverfrost tells me is true, I chose what my mother would've chosen.
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