| abstract
| - Lord James Eccleston Frances Bowen is Supreme Commander of Her Majesty's Allied Farces, Arsedale, North Yorkshire. He is the son of a monkey and can manufacture poison darts in his own liver, which he is then able to secrete through a hole in his bank account. Bowen first came to unpopular attention doing suppository impressions on Yorkshire Arse-end Television. It was here that his well-known catchphrase, "Me cat's a dildo!" was first uttered. A week later he was shot in the face with an axe. After a short stunt as Valerie Singleton's stint double, Bowen was to receive his first major TV break: Molesting otters for Terry Nutkins. After his release, Bowen was to go on to become a hugely successful recording artist, with such songs as "Badger in Me Hole" and "Flange City". Tragedy was soon to strike, however, when, in 1981, Bowen lost his entire personality in a steam press near Hull. In a desperate attempt to stave off obscurity, and with the help of long-terminal chum Bernard Manning, he tried to revive the old suppository act. A somewhat ill judged decision as he shortly became lodged in Manning's duodenum. Things were indeed looking black (well, brown) for the celebrity. With the re-emergence of breathing as a popular pastime Bowen saw his fortunes changing. He soon found that he was a natural at this particular sport and could go for great lengths of time without not breathing. Stardom beckoned once more for Bowen when he was selected, along with stablemates Zippy and Crippen, to represent Great Britain in the 1986 Eurovision Yawn Contest. Bowen is indirectly responsible for John Leslie's rise to fame, after an incident during "Jim Bowen's Motorboats of Fury '93" telethon to raise funds for the children of Africa to have adequate gameshow prizes. Nicky Campbell's infamous short fuse blew during a live edition of "Wheel of Fortune", causing him to call Pat Sharpe a "useless sack of spinning nigger crotch", amongst other things. Campbell was later rewarded for his insight, but at the time it was deemed unacceptable and his job was given to the famed animal rapist Leslie, due to his stellar work on ITV's prime-time drama series "Anal Fisting Empire vol. 7". Leslie and Bowen have since been romantically linked in the press on several occasions, but an end was put to this shortly prior to Bowen's retirement from coherence in 2004 when he announced his intention to "implant a shovel into the faerie gypsy bastard's chest" in an interview for Hello magazine. In recent years, Bowen has been photographed by both Hello and Sod Off magazines trespassing in the homes of the rich and famous. He is currently on a boil wash and has done several voice-overs for the Khmer Rouge. In a surprising twist Bowen was elected Pope in 2013 having not even been initially considered in the running by religious pundits. In his inaugural speech the new pontiff announced his intention to resurrect a revamped papal version of Bullseye. Immediately following this he elevated Tony the commentator to arch-cardinal and blessed two dozen new dartboards.
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