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| - Ms. Bitters: No... No... NNOOO!! The squirrels hop off the windowsill in fear. Ms. Bitters angrily clenches the phone in her hand. Inaudible dialogue can be heard. She brings it back up to her ear. Ms. Bitters: You'll pay for this one! Ms. Bitters: Class! Despite my moral outrage, the Skool Principal is allowing you to celebrate Valentine's Day this year. Miss Bitters (resentfully sarcastic): Go ahead. Pass out your Valentine's meat slabs. It's traditional. Zim: I-I left my meat at home. Sorry, I sort of forgot it, uh.... Zim:...GET THAT OUT OF MY FACE! Dib: Ms. Bitters? I read that long ago people used to give out cards and candy for Valentine's Day. How did the whole "meat" thing get started? Ms. Bitters: You don't wanna know. Ms. Bitters: I had a valentine once... Ms. Bitters: Ugh. Another one? Ms. Bitters: To celebrate overcrowding in Skool, a new student will be joining the class. Tak: Hi! My name's Tak. (beat) I'm new here. Children (monotone): Hello, Tak. Tak: My father's the head of the DEE-Licious Weenie corporation; that was his jet out there. SO I BROUGHT VALENTINE'S WEENIES FOR EVERYONE!... Children: YAY! WIENERS! Smolga: WEENIES ROCK! Tak: ...Except that kid! Zim: Weenies, SCHMEENIES! Zim needs no MEAT! Tak: For him, I have prepared a poem. Sara (tauntingly): Looks like Zim has a GIIRRRLFRIEEND! Tak (suddenly losing it) It's NOT NICE - (suddenly regains composure) - to embarrass people. You should apologize and....eat your eraser! Sara (vacantly): Yes, Tak. I'm sorry, Zim! Tak: "For longer than I can remember, I've been looking for someone like you. Someone with a head like yours, and a torso too. Birds sing, and YOU'RE GONNA PAY, THE END!" HERE'S SOME MEAT COVERED IN BARBECUE SAUCE! Ms. Bitters: Thank you, Tak. That was horrible. Now, you'll need a place to sit. Ms. Bitters: You! You're being transferred to the underground classroom. Ms. Bitters: And you! (points at Brian.) I'm just tired of you. Brian also disappears down a chute. Poonchy, who was standing in the doorway, takes his seat. Meanwhile, Zim is still screaming and runs to the back of the classroom, running into a wall as Poonchy looks around, trying to become the center of attention. Dib: Ms. Bitters? Do they REALLY have underground classrooms? Zim (in background): Why does it hurt!?! Ms. Bitters: Sure, whatever. Zim: My Tallest, please excuse my appearance; I mean no disrespect. A new- Voice from monitor that GIR watches: Dirt! Dirt!! GIR: No! You're not dirt! Zim: Be quiet! Zim: My Tallest, a new child attacked me with meat! My conclusion: She's in love with me! Zim: This may prove valuable, as I can use the child to learn more about human af-FECTION! (spits the word out like poison) Zim: ...which, from what I have been able to determine, is pain-based. Purple: Um, that's great, Zim! Sounds great. Red makes the Purple marionette's arms flail and snickers. Purple: Don't worry, that's just my arms flailing and... giggling. Purple: Stop it! (Red punches him again) Stop it! Zim: ... And once I am done with the child, I will destroy her. That should be neeeaat! Purple: Okay, Zim. (Red makes the Purple marionette punch Purple in the face yet again.) Now, we have another call! Red (surprised): Hey!... We really do have another call. Dib: No, it's just I'm not used to people being interested in my paranormal studies. As for Zim, well- Zim: I have come to accept your feelings for me, I congratulate you for acknowledging my superiority in choosing me as your love-pig...FEEL HONORED! Tak: Maybe you really are an alien, like Dib says. (chucks the Poop bottle aside) A horribly disguised, disgusting, horrible one. Zim: Nonsense! Despite his huge head, the Dib-monkey is quite stupid. Dib (still among the brambles): My head's not big! Zim: Now prepare your brain, filthy beast of meat and hair. (lifts Tak up from the ledge, and puts her down on the concrete.) Your magical love adventure begins NOW! Cut to the Skool hallways. Tak walks down the hall with Zim following her. Zim holds a gigantic stack of books. Zim loses balance and falls, dropping the books. One flies up in the air and crashes down on his bead. GIR: You're on fire! Zim: Am I? Ah, well. GIR, I feel I now know enough about human affection... Zim: ... I hate it! Especially the part with the beans! Our friend Tak is no longer useful to me. Zim: Okay... Tak! I'm glad you stopped by. It gives me a chance to end our HIDEOUS relationship. Zim holds a note revealing that it says "Kick me! Love Tak!") and enjoy your shrill cry of having been rejected by ZIM! Tak: You have got to be kidding. Zim: I assure you I am quite serious. Now cry! Cry like you've never cried ...before. Zim: Wha...You! You're Irken! WHAT IS THIS!?! Tak: You're a bigger fool than I ever imagined. Zim: Eh? Tak: You're a bigger fool than I ever imagined. Zim: Eh? Tak: You're confused. Allow me to explain... Cuts to flashback on planet Devastis Tak: It was fifty years ago, on the Irken military training planet, Devastis. I had been waiting years to take my final test to become one of the Irken elite soldiers and, should the need arise... to become one of the invaders. Tak: No! Somebody, help me! The door is stuck! I'll miss my... Tak: You blew the power block for that entire half of the planet, but the testing went on interrupted on the other side. I pleaded with the control brain to let me take the test, but she said I would have to wait another seventy years. I was placed on a janitorial squad, and then sent to planet Dirt. I escaped and began my long search for the mysterious person who caused the blackout, and... RUINED MY LIFE! Tak: I eventually tracked you to this horrible place and took that rich weenie-human as my false father... Zim: Yes, yes, so you're blaming me for your horrible life, bla, bla, BIG DEAL! Tak: This is about taking your mission, Zim! Not revenge! Zim: You're after revenge? Tak: NO! It's not about revenge! It's about taking what is rightfully mine. (her voice becomes almost manic with rage)' I SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN INVADER! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN PART OF THE GREAT ASSIGNING! I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE STEALING THIS PLANET FROM YOU! Zim: (pauses for a beat as he fails spectacularly to take in her words) YOU'RE AFTER MY ROBOT BEE! Tak (exasperated): NOOO!! Listen to me. Listen... CAREFULLY! (Zim indicates that he's listening through his usual hyperbolic manner) Tak: I'm a better Invader than you could ever be. I blend in perfectly. The plan I have in store for this nasty rock will so impress the Tallest that they'll have no choice but to make me an Invader. Zim: WHAT IS THIS?! And what is this plan? Zim: Yes, I'm a master of comedy. Now, tell me this plan. Tak: Part one involves crippling your base so that you can only watch... AS I RUIN YOUR LIFE!! Zim: My beautiful base! Tak: Part TWO is.. Zim: No! My beautiful base! No! Tak: Part two is..! Zim: NO! MY BEAUTIFUL BASE! NO!! Tak (struggling): Part... two... IS..! Zim: NO!! Tak: Part... Zim: NOO!!! Tak: ... Okay, I'm... okay, I'm leaving now. Zim (suddenly straight-faced): But you didn't tell me your plan. Tak shakes her head in exasperation. She then uses the "spider legs" in her PAK to fire a powerful laser that decimates the front of Zim's house. She then rises into the air and disappears via some sort of advanced cloaking device. Her modified SIR unit jumps onto the front lawn, spins around, downing the gnomes on the lawn before disappearing as well. GIR's head falls off as he watches in astonishment. Zim's robot bee then flies out of the house. Zim: Noooo!!! Zim: What a horrible adventure with that ham demon! Woo! But... I've made no progress in figuring out what Tak's plan is. The base is still repairing itself, and the only other person with the facilities to... (pauses as he realizes just what he's saying) Nnno! I won't even even CONSIDER it! Prof. Membrane: But, that's just the way it worked out. Zim: Yeah, I know what you mean. Dib: Zim? Prof. Membrane: Good morning, son. Your little foreign friend is here to see you. Dib: Dad, that's the alien! The alien! Prof. Membrane: Of course he is. You two have fun. Dib: What's going on, Zim? Zim: It seems the enemies have a common enemy: Tak! She's Irken and she's after my job and your planet. Dib: Oh, come on. I like Tak! And she hates you! You're just jealous of... Zim: This has nothing to do with jelly! I've been trying to figure out her plan, but it's been difficult. She's GOOD! Not good like ME, but still good. Dib: This is just stupid. Zim: Forty-eight hours of trailing Tak and all I could come up with are these photos I wrestled off that ham demon. They're of a GIANT, EVIL WEENIE STAND her father has constructed... But that's nothing. Dib: Hmm. Giant weenie stand is weird, but it doesn't say anything about Tak. Giant weenie stand... that's worth a look. Zim: I KNEW this was a bad idea. She'll destroy your world! Dib: I can't believe you're even saying this! Gaz: Your voices are making me sick. Zim: And when the Earth is a smoking ruin you'll wish it had been ME who did it...! Zim: Aaah! It burns! It burns! Dib: Thanks, Gaz. He was really... Employee: Delishus Weenie!! Gaz: Hi. Employee: Uhh, what'll it be...? Gaz: Be quiet. I wanted to let you know that my brother is trying to break into this building through some secret entrance. Employee: We... we have chili beans. Rear of the building. Dib chews a hot dog as he climbs the building using a latching device with a rope with his free hand. Gaz: I just though it'd be funny to see him get beaten up by security. Employee: You know, I don't think there is a secret entrance. I work here and this is all I've seen. Gaz: This place is kind of big for a hot dog stand, don't you think? Employee: Whoa! Employee: Now that I think of it... Employee: There is that secret entrance around back where they deliver all that alien-looking machinery. Dib: Oh, man! What is this place? Gaz: It's a hot dog stand. Dib: Gaz? How did you get...? Tak: No pictures, please. Dib: Tak? What... um, look, I can explain. Tak: No need. In a second you won't even remember having seen any of this. Tak: Hmm. You must be smarter than the rest of them. Let's see about your sister. Dib: You're behind this? Tak: No, he is. Tak: Or at least, his resources. I only let him out when I need to keep up appearances, kind of like Zim's robot parents, only good. Dib: You can't do this! People will know something's up. I mean, look at this place. It's enormous! Tak: The great thing about your people, Dib, is that most of them don't notice. All they see is another faceless corporate venture, not a plan for world conquest. Dib: Wait, is there really a difference? Zim: It's over, Tak! The Earth is mine to devastate, and I already promised the moon to GIR. Dib: Zim? How did you know we'd be here? Zim: I placed a tracking device on you. Dib: Tracking device? Where? Dib searches himself and turns around, revealing GIR, clutching the back of his head. GIR: Your head smells like a puppy! Tak: This won't stop me from keeping my promise to the Tallest. Mimi, attack! Zim: Ahh, Mimi, uh, ah cool it... Dib: You ruined everything, Zim! I was about to find out what her plan was. Zim: Me? You're the one who refused to... Gaz: Hey, what's this thing? Zim: That's a SIR unit's memory disk. It probably has Tak's plan written all over it. Dib: No way, it's ours! Back off! Zim: I'm the only one here with the technology to decode the files. Dib: And we're the only ones here with the files to be decoded. GIR: And I'm... ah, eh heh, I don't know. Dib: Your base, our disk, Zim. Let us see the base. Zim: As soon we destroy Tak, I'm going to feed your brains to my robot. Dib: Deal. GIR: Yay, brains! Gaz: This is your base? Zim: Don't touch anything or I'll... melt your face off or something. Tak: My leaders, I offer a gift to prove my worthiness as an invader. I have created a magma pump to hollow out the Earth's molten core. Zim: I could do that. Tak: Once empty I will fill the planet with snacks as an offering to my Tallest. Dib: Your leaders are just taller than everyone else? Tak: You never even considered Earth valuable at all, but I shall make it valuable. Zim: She stole this plan from me. GIR: No, she didn't. Zim: Be quiet. Dib: It's starting. Zim: Computer! Computer: What...? Zim: Ready the voot. I must stop Tak. Her little joke has gone far enough. Dib: Wait, you have to drop me off at the weenie stand! Someone has to shut the pump off. Gaz: Are there any video games around here? Computer: No, not really. Gaz (bitterly): I guess I'll help save the Earth, then. Zim: There! Dib: How do you shut this thing off? Gaz: So, this should work. Computer: If Tak's SIR unit is within range of its memory disk, it can be controlled through a remote host. Gaz: We can remote-control it. Okay, you, do things. Make Tak's robot crazy. GIR: Only if you dance with me. Gaz: No, never. Never. Gaz: Oh, come on. Tak: Stop! Zim: You're a worse pilot than I am! Wait. Dib: How did I miss that? Zim: No one takes Zim's mission. No one! Zim: Ha, ha!! Okay. Zim: Tak's plan was ruined. The humans helped out, but they were hypnotized by... me... into doing so! You should have heard the lies she told about you. Well, all that matters is that Tak's evil snack plan was stopped. Purple (after a short pause): Hey, I like snacks! Red (resentfully): He likes snacks, Zim. Zim (a touch regretful): I know you do... I know. GIR: Meow! Dib: Look at it, Gaz. We've only seen what's come to us from up there. Don't you want to just fly up there and see it all?
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