| Contents
| - :Chris: Hey dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together.
:Peter: Okay, are you a television set or the Internet?
:Chris: No.
:Peter: Oh, then no.
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:[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]
:Peter's Twin: Close the door! The moonlight burns!
:Peter: It's almost Christmas, it's almost Christmas.
:Peter's Twin: Christmas?
:Peter: Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.
:Peter's Twin: Can I meet the family?
:Peter: You overstepped! No Christmas!
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:Carter: [about his broken leg] The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, y'know, just to be done and napping within four minutes.
:Chris: Let me show you something...
:[Time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]
:Carter: That... was... amazing! And Linda Carter wasn't actually here?
:Chris: No, that was just in your mind!
:Carter: Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something?
:Chris: No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.
:Carter: Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand.
----
:[a crash is heard]
:Peter: Oh no, my hairless twin got out! [cocks gun, a gunshot is heard]
:Peter's Twin: [holding gun] Hello, family. Let's eat all the garbage we want.
----
:Peter: Listen Carter, you take me out of your will, I'm taking you out of mine! [grabs a sheet of paper and rips it]
:Lois: Peter, that wasn't your will. That was your birth certificate.
:Peter: Oh no! [begins fading and gasps] There's no light! There's only fire!
:Brian: Look, Carter, I suppose you're entitled to do what you want, but, you know, I'm just saying if it were me, I would give all the money to charity.
:Carter: Oh yeah, which charity?
:Brian: Well, there are just so many that do such great work.
:Carter: Name just one.
:Brian: Um... well you know... Poor... Green... Whale... Guns... Books?
:Carter: You are such a fraud.
:[cut to a green whale holding a gun and a book]
:Whale: Why won't anyone help us?!
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:Peter: For years, now, I've been planning on retiring at 45 so I can work on finding a cure for ballzheimer's disease.
:[cut to Peter, who is holding objects covered in blood]
:Lois: Peter, are those testicles? Where did you get those?!
:Peter: [sobbing] I don't remember!
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:Peter: Hey Chris, remember that kid you said was bullying you at school? Well here's his head.
:Chris: [screams] That's not even him! That's the deaf kid!
:Peter: Oh, that was sign language. I thought he was trying to defend himself with terrible karate.
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:Chris: Miley Cyrus had sex with a foam finger at like 6 P.M. Central Time.
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:Chris: [sleeping] Mumbling while asleep to indicate dream content.
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:Peter: Chris Griffin, will you marry me?
:Chris: What? Is it even legal for a man to marry his son?
:Peter: It is in Vermont. As long as it's a man and a man, anything goes up there. They're a bunch of liberal degenerates.
:Chris: I don't know, it seems really weird. I mean, aren't men supposed to marry women?
:Peter: No, no no, that's just all of human history except for the last five months.
----
:[Joe, after witnessing Peter's plan to marry Chris, grabs Kevin's hand]
:Kevin: No, Dad!
:Joe: I don't know what normal is anymore.
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