Wrote this in about an hour under the influence of TheraFlu. I'd like a general appraisal of my first draft before I go back to mess with it some more.
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| - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:SysRq/Veteran
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| rdfs:comment
| - Wrote this in about an hour under the influence of TheraFlu. I'd like a general appraisal of my first draft before I go back to mess with it some more.
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| Mcomment
| - Avg’d as per Pee Review guidelines
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| Pcomment
| - Exquisitely placed and written grammar, and it follows the flow of what a normal conversation would seem to entail, even to the point of the hippie being shot down with the booze question, I was in awe and admiration over the placement of the ALL CAPS And I was pleased to see that you did manage to add swearing without going completely overboard with it.
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| Icomment
| - The placement of the smiling, homeless vet looked outstanding, and I think it started the article off with a decent swing, starting with the tone of a friendly, however unhappy and bitter inside, veteran, looking for some help where the US failed. The second image, pulling back a bit, showed the picture of the entire person, showing his hobby, and ranting that one should not attempt to steal the cans.
The next image,, I am guessing, showed the veteran in action with some of his fellow soldiers, painting the image of a desire for what was in the past, then his random picking on the black guy
The final image, the only black and white one, looks a bit out of place considering the rest of the article, and I honestly feel that the subtitle under it did not manage to convey as much anger as the text next to it, along with the veterans reaction to the question. If you can find a hippie in colour, I think that would be better placed.
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| Ccomment
| - Woooo hoo, this is quite the well played out article. I strongly admired the portrayal of using the section names as the persons input, then having the veteran respond in the article text, very well done. I also liked how the man stated his favourite coin, and continued onto stating that his favourite thing about dollar bills was to fold them and then, out of nowhere, dropping the Booze bomb, and having the vet go on a rant… I have got to get a hold of some TheraFlu!
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| Cscore
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| Hcomment
| - If 7 is average, the 8 means you did a decent hob of adding in a bit more humour for the masses to think about, but unfortunately, it was not really hysterical, outrageous, and unforgettable. The section I found the most humouous was probably “At Work?”, I honestly feel that section was the most well thought through. The article on whole seems a bit rushed . I think an expansion on the Booze section, and a touch up in the “Wow that sucks” would make this article feel a bit better. I did notice the “Notes” section, and I felt it made a great addition to this article.
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| Fcomment
| - All right, you do have a bit of work to do here
:#Replace the hippie image, and replace the caption, I did, sadly, not find it humourous
:#Expand on the “That Sucks” and the “At Work”
:#Add a section that has “you” walking away from the Veteran, with him ranting as you leave.
:#Don’ be afraid of BIG text
Despite what the score on this article might indicate, I do not think it is ready for highlight YET. There is some work that has to be done, and then it will be ready. Great job SysRq.
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| abstract
| - Wrote this in about an hour under the influence of TheraFlu. I'd like a general appraisal of my first draft before I go back to mess with it some more.
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