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| - RANDY "MUSCLE FACE" ROGERS (portrayed by Hecox) "I DID IT" GUY (protrayed by Padilla) CUSTOMER #1 (portrayed by Ernesto S. Bustos) (spills milk on his bowl) Oh; oh my God! Hi, I'm Randy "Muscle Face" Rogers. RANDY: So many people are fat now and that's GROSS!!! [spits out the word GROSS with three exclamation points and comes up to Customer #2.] [spits out the word FAT with three exclamation points and comes to Customer #2.] How come you're still fat, huh? How come your still such a [echoed] Fatty McFatterson?! The problem isn't the diet; it's YOU!!! [spits out the word YOU with three exclamation points, bends down, and eats the customer's sandwich without using his hands] RANDY: Which is why I've created my new revolutionary workout program...GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING! RANDY: The key to GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING! is simple. All you have to do is get off your ass, come to my state-of-the-art dojo and you do something. What do you do? I don't freaking care! RANDY: At my dojo, you could do such things as moving boxes... [gave a thumbs up to Customer #2 for moving a box.] RANDY: ...picking things up... "I DID IT" GUY: [picked up a trophy] I did it. RANDY:...giving a high five... RANDY: ...pouring water... "I DID IT" GUY: [poured water at a cup without seeing the cup] I did it. RANDY: ...calling other fat people fat... CUSTOMER #2: You're fat. CUSTOMER #1: I know. [cries] CUSTOMER #2: Wow, that felt pretty good. RANDY: You can even dial a rotary phone... "I DID IT" GUY: [calls on the rotary phone) I'm a virgin. RANDY: ...or do a little heavy breathing. RANDY: Too many people spend all their lives sitting on their asses playing video games, but what if you can just get off your ass and do all that crap IN REAL LIFE!!1! RANDY: Instead of jumping on mushrooms in Mario, you can do it in real life. CUSTOMER #2: (grabs from the mushrooms from the Rasta Mushroom Dealer (portrayed by Padilla) and jumps on them) Wahoo! Wahah! Wahoo! Mamma mia! RANDY: Instead of arranging shapes in a stupid video game, you can do it in real life. CUSTOMER #1: [growls and tears up some of the shapes on the wall.] It's too freaking hard! RANDY: Instead of using weapons in a video game, you can use them in real life. RANDY: [yells] Oh, God! Okay, maybe not that one. ALRIGHT, SOMEONE GET AN AMBULANCE, JESUS! "I DID IT" GUY: I did it. RANDY: I know my program will work for you because I used to be a fat f--k like this guy. SKINNY FAT ASS: Hey, I'm not fa-- RANDY: But then I started getting off my ass and doing things and I lost 400 POUNDS! RANDY: This is what I look liked before I got off my ass. ['sees the picture where he was an overweight man and an overweight teacher.'] RANDY: Augh, gross! Makes me wanna go back in time and murder my fat ass self! RANDY: But if you don't believe my program will work for you, just listen to this happy customer. CUSTOMER #2: I'm kinda on the fence. RANDY: [jumps near the screen] So this proves my program will change your life, so get off your ass and DO SOMETHING!! [spits out the words "do something" with two exclamation points] "I DID IT" GUY: [wakes up and raises his hand] But what if I don't wanna? RANDY: Hi-yeah! [punches the "I Did It" Guy] JOIN NOW! [spits out the words "join now" with three exclamation points] INFOMERICAL NARRATOR: Now you can get off your ass and do something for only $2500 a month after a $5000 signing fee and a photo of your penis. INFORMERICAL NARRATOR: [talks fast] Get off Your Ass and Do Something isn't a workout program and is actually just Randy's way of making other people do his chores. [behind the words are pictures of Randy and the customers doing poses.] [the words NOW YOU CAN GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING FOR ONLY $2500/MO AFTER A $5000 SIGNING FEE AND A PHOTO OF YOUR PENIS, GET YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING ISN'T A WORKOUT PROGRAM AND IS ACTUALLY JUST RANDY'S WAY OF MAKING OTHER PEOPLE DO HIS CHORES are on the screen] [the words "JOIN NOW!!!" flash for a second and continue flashing on the screen until the informerical narrator stops the words.] [the words "Call 1-800-GETOFYOURASSANDDOYOURMOM or leave your money at the bottom of my stairway." are on the screen.] ["I Did It" Guy is cleaning on the wall, Customer #1 and Customer #2 are brushing away using a brusher on the floor.] RANDY: (talks to the first fat man) Okay, now dust my trophy collection. RANDY'S MOM: [holding a coffee mug] Hey Randy, quit playing with your fat friends' dicks and take out the trash! RANDY: [stands up] GET OUTTA MY ROOM, MOM! RANDY'S MOM: Don't make me slap the s--t outta your ass again. Take out the trash, you little bitch. (crawls back upstairs) RANDY: [goes back sitting on his chair] Uh okay guys, now get off your ass and take out the trash. THE END
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