| abstract
| - Narrator: Hello, and Welcome to a world. A different world. A…Metaphorical world. Yea..Oh, speech time! Narrator: You unlock this fanboy's innermost thoughts and fears with a key Of course, it's not an actual key. The key is just a metaphor for something that makes the fanboy........ be a fanboy, I guess. Anyways, the key in this situation is two step-brothers who try to make each and every day a day to remember. Narrator: This fanboy's mind qualifies as an alternate dimension. Not the alternate dimension that the two step-brothers traveled to. Not even the one that the fanboy and his brother traveled to. No, this is a special dimension. It is a dimension of geekery and hatred; of life and death; of rainbow-maned pegasuses…or pegasi..pegapeople?, Whatever. Oh, and fourth-wall breaking pink earth ponies, but.......... uh, that's beside the point. Narrator: Importantly, this is a dimension of things and ideas. It's a place lacking in not only sight sound, but mind. Especially mind. Some may say you just crossed over the boundaries of sanity. But, no, not. I. (No, I say, you just crossed over into The Irving Zone. And…SONG (Narrator sings Welcome to The Irving Zone ) Narrator: Submitted for Your approval, so you better like it. I mean, I did work hard on this. So it'd be nice if you appreciated something I did for once, you jerk! Uh…anyway, on to the story. A sweet little girl…;or so she seemed. For, this wasn't a normal girl. This girl has special powers. Evil powers. And that girl…was Suzy Johnson. Shocking, I know. But little did she know, she was about to meet her match.. SEGMENT ONE: In the line of Suzy It was a fairly normal day at the Johnson household. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and Suzy had turned mr Johnson into a football. Wait, what? Mrs. Johnson: Suzy, isn't this a little- Suzy: A little WHAT? Mrs. Johnson: ..Nothing. Jeremy: Isn't this silly? Suzy: Well…maybe it a little crazy. Jeremy: Don't you think daddy is better as a human? Suzy: Eh…sure. Suzy then turned her father back into a human. Mr. Johnson: Thank you, sweetie. You're a…nice little girl. Suzy: Yes. Yes I am Jeremy: And nothing will ever change you… // Irving was at his house, staring at a big screen on the wall which showed the last bit with suzy. Every citizen had one of these, so they can see suzy all the time. Though at this point, they were on break from watching. However, Irving used his smarts to get the screen to work all the time. Don't ask. Irving: Ugh, that suzy. She thinks she's so scary with her magic powers. Albert: She is scary dude. I mean, she even gives Buford the willies! Irving: He also wants to float around like a woodland pixie. Buford (Off Screen): OH COME ON! Albert: Suzy is a scary little devil spawn, irving. Irving: She's not scary. She's just an annoying little girl, who won't leave us alone! Albert: Well, the fact of the matter is, she will always be here to use her evil magic on people, and there's nothing we can do about it. Irving: Yea…just imagine having all that power. You could do anything! Albert: Too bad she's keeping all that power to herself. If only she had someone to share her evil with…but that's never going to happen. Irving: Hmmm…that's it! Albert: Oh no, did I accidentally say something that gave you an idea again? Irving: Actually, I was thinking while you were blabbing about power. So unless you were talking about the idea of me gaining suzy's respect so we can share the power.. Albert: Actually…I sort of was. Irving: Really? Wow, great minds think alike Albert: You have a great mind? Wait…YOU HAVE A MIND?! Irving: Oh shut up. If you excuse me, I have a little girl to gain the respect of Albert: Wait! …be careful. I like to see painful things happen to you…but only if I am the cause it. So please, don't get hurt. Irving: …Are we sharing a tender moment? Albert: …No. No we're not. Irving: ..Okie dokie lokie // Back at the Johnson house, Suzy was playing with her trains…which her now the size of real trains. Oh, and the parents were tied to railroad tracks. Mr. Johnson: Isn't this a little dangerous? Suzy: The trains aren't on you know. I'm not THAT evil. Jeremy: How…sweet. Just then, the door slammed open, revealing Irving standing triumphantly. Irving: Greetings, Johnson Family! Mrs. Johnson: NO! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN! Suzy: Okay, who is this interrupting my playtime?! Irving: You might be wondering why I am brave enough as to barge in on Suzy Johnson without fear of being sent to the moon or something. Suzy: Actually, I was just wondering why you were so rude, barging in like that instead of knocking., Irving: Oh, Sorry about that. ..Wait, aren't you gonna get all angry and like kill me or something? Suzy: Come with to the kitchen so we can discuss the matter Irving: Aren't you a little young to be talking like this? Suzy: I have magic powers. I'm beyond normal. Irving: …good point. The two went into the kitchen to talk. Suzy: Okay, let me explain something to you: I'm not all that evil. Irving: But…you were doing some seriously messed up stuff back there! Suzy: I was just having random fun. Besides, everyone thinks I'm evil, even my own brother. So I might as well let them think so, or they may not respect me all that much. Irving: I see what's going on here. You wa- Suzy: Please don't continue. I don't care what you think my problem is. I just want you to leave peacefully. Irving: Wait, don't you think it'd be nice if you had someone to share your magic with? Someone who could help improve your lonely lifestyle in ten seconds flat? Suzy: Hmmm, that sounds temp-NO! I do not want to share. Irving: Come on, please? Suzy: If you get something cool, I might Irving: Like what? Suzy: That's for me to know, and for you to find out. Irving: That doesn't seem very fair. Suzy: You have 10 seconds to get out before I torture you. Irving: …I'll be out in 5! Irving then ran so fast that the road runner looked like a snail. Suzy: Silly boy. // Narrator: The fanboy had ran home. He had no idea what he was getting himself into. For most of the time there was daylight outside, he was thinking. Well, sometimes he was. He actually played video games until he remembered he had to think. Eventually, that night he-wait, why am I still narrating? I should only be at the start and end of these segments! Director: Just do it! Narrator: Fine. That night, Irving had figured it out. But little did he know, that…was the easy part. Getting the object in question? It would be a nightmare. Irving was in the Danville Cemetery, at around 10 pm at night. The moon was already high in the sky, and several scary noises filled the air.. Irving: Geez, wolf howls, lightning with no rain, and wind? Could this place be any more stock? Then…something tapped Irving on the shoulder! Irving: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! Candace: It's me, Candace! Irving: WHICH ALSO STARTS WITH A C! Candace: ..I hate you. Irving: Why are you here? Candace: I come here every night to hide from Suzy. Irving: I'm here to find something Suzy will like so she will let me team up with her so we can share the powers, and thus I will be able to be happy in a world where little girls have magic powers. Candace: I didn't ask for your story, but whatever. Irving: Wait…do you want to help? Candace: Let's see, if this fails, we might end up horrible scarred for life at the hands of my boyfriend's little sister...sure. Irving: Okay, let's see if we can find what I'm looking for.. Candace: Watcha looking for? Irving: Actually…I don't know. I was hoping something decent would be in this graveyard that Suzy would like Candace: Well, it's better than hiding at any rate Irving: Okay, let's go check near the back of this place where it's really dark. Candace: …Sounds like a good idea to me! The two walked over the other side of the graveyard. Suddenly, everything became darker. So dark, that now, the only things visible were the eyes of Candace and Irving. Candace: AHHH! Where'd the light go?! Irving: AH, WHY DO I SEE FLOATING EYEBALLS?! Candace: My eyes aren't floating, twerp. It's just do dark all we can see are someone's eyes! Irving: Oh yea, that old gag Candace: Oh, hey look, if I jump up and down it looks like my eyes are jumping! Irving: You have pretty eyes… Candace: Shut up if you like seeing with yours Irving: Ohhh, Feisty! ???: Quiet down! Candace And Irving: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! ???: Why do people always yell that? Candace: who are you? ???: Hold on, let me turn on this flash light. The mystery person turned on a flashlight, which now made it so everyone could see their faces/ The figure revels herself to be…an old lady, Irving: A Creepy old lady in a graveyard…should I be scared? Lady: No, I'm a kind old lady. I am Clarissa the crystal woman. But you can just call me Clarissa. And if you make a "Can you explain it all joke", your dead. . Candace: Okay…so do you live here? Clarissa: Yes, I like to live among the dead. Plus, that's where my magic is strongest. Irving: …Magic? Clarissa: Yes, you see I'm a magical person. I also sometimes give magic powers to those who might need it. Candace: Heh, funny, I know this little girl who has magic power-HEY! Wait a minute…does that mean- Clarissa: I did give powers to a little girl once. It was a few years ago. She seemed nice. Irving: NICE?! That girl is using her powers for evil! Clarissa: Oh dear, this kind of thing happens a lot. I give magic to some nice person, and it makes them evil. This is bad,. Irving: Okay, how do we fix this? Clarissa: Well, normally the way to fix this, is fight fire with fire. And by fire I mean Suzy. And by fire I also mean magic. Doofenshmirtz (Off Screen): JOKE STEALER! Candace: So what you're saying, is we should get magic powers, and use it to fight suzy? Clarissa: Yes, and I will be glad to hand a slice of power to both of you. Just enough to put suzy in her place. Irving: Great! But one question: Are you just some magic weirdo who hands out magic to anybody who asks? Clarissa: Pretty much. Irving: Okay then. So Candace, you join me at Suzy's house tomorrow morning so we can do our plan. Candace: Okay. This is going to be great! // The next morning, Danville was as happy and cheerful as always. Despite the fact that a little girl was still at large. Suzy wasn't torturing her family on this particular day. Well…not as much as usual. Mrs. Johnson: Is there any reason you put us in these plastic cases they put toys in? Suzy: Not really. Just seemed like a fun idea. Mr. Johnson: Having a 2nd kid was your idea. Just then, the door slammed open, and Irving and Candace ran in. Irving: Stop right there! Suzy: Ohai Irving. I see you brought my favorite play thing! Candace: I won't be your plaything anymore! No one else will! Suzy: Oh, really? Irving: Yes! You see, we just happened to stumble upon…Clarissa! Suzy: You WHAT?! Jeremy: Who? Candace: Clarissa is the woman who gave Suzy her powers in the first place Irving: And we spoke with her and we got a little something… Candace: A little something called…MAGIC POWERS! To test out these powers, Candace teleported right next to Jeremy. Candace: LOOK I'M TOUCHING YOUR BROTHER! Candace lightly touched Jeremy on the shoulder, then teleported back to Irving. Suzy: Well…it seems like you have gained an advantage Candace: Yes. Yes we ha-wait your going to blast or something, aren't you?] Suzy: E-yup! Suzy then fired a blast of energy from her hands…aimed squarely at Candace. Jeremy: NOOOOOOO! Jeremy then ran and jumped right in front on the blast, preventing it from reaching Candace. It hit Jeremy, sending him to the ground. Mrs. Johnson: JEREMY! Mr. Johnson: Suzy, what have you done?! Suzy: I…I didn't mean to! Candace: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Irving: Are you done yet? Candace: Almost. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, I'm done. Mrs. Johnson: Well young lady, now do you see what this has brought you? Suzy: I…just wanted some respect. But people only respected me when I was acting evil, so that's what I was. I especially wanted Jeremy to still like me. I thought that with these powers, I could keep him by my side forever. Oh, and if you mention the creepy implications of that, you are dead. Mrs. Johnson: And now he's…well not alive. Kind of...ironic. Irving: Okay Suzy, do you regret doing all this? Suzy: Yes… Irving: Then how about you put those powers in this magic box Clarissa gave me? Suzy: Fine. Suzy then transferred her powers into the box irving was now holding. Candace: There we go! Okay Jeremy, you can get up now! Jeremy stood up, alive and well. Suzy and Jeremy's parents: WHAT?! Jeremy: Yea, you see I really wanted suzy to be a normal little girl again. So before suzy woke up, I made a plan with Irving and Candace. I was just going to reason with her, but then she fired at Candace and I had to protect her. Thankfully the blast didn't hurt, but I pretended to be dead so Suzy will learn her lesson and be…my favorite girl BESDIES CANDACE SO DON'T INTRUPPET, OKAY?~ Suzy: Guys…I'm sorry about this. In retrospect it seems a little silly. Do you forgive me? Irving: Sure. Candace: Eh, okay. Jeremy: Of course! Irving: Funny how a silly little story ended on a such on a heartwarming note,. Candace: So what did you do the box? Irving: Oh, I threw it out the window while Jeremy was talking. Don't worry, I don't think anyone will find it. //// The box was now sitting in the hands of a new owner, who was looking at it… Albert: Oh, what's in this shiny box? Narrator: And so the moral of the story is: Never underestimate a possible gary stu. Also, little girls are scary, So anyway, I guess this story was a metaphor for how people just do what everyone else does so they don't stick out, or something. I never really looked into it. So ya…things are just a little weirder in…the irving zone. // Narrator: I got some good approval from that first one. thank you. So anyway, let's see if you like this one. Submitted for Your approval, a bunch of kids getting ready for Halloween But some...creepy...thing is about to happen. Yea, i didn't put much thought into this one. But enj0oy it anyway... SEGMENT TWO: "Who has the alein heart?" // It has a dark and spooky Halloween night at irving’s house. Stock animals noises filled the air. It was a full moon, and everything was a cliché as it could be. Not only was irving there, but so was most of the people he knew. Oh, and some friends as well… Albert: So Irving, please explain to me why you gathered all our acquaintances at our humble household Candace: Yes, please explain. I’m only here because it’s a short walk Irving: That’s a very good question. You see, we always seem to do Halloween separately. But I think we could have a great Halloween if we all spent it together! Buford: What, you mean trick or treating? Irving: Actually. We’re a little old for that. Phineas: You’re never too old to get free candy! Irving: Be that as it may, I still think it’d be fun to do something different… Albert: Is this some kind of prank? Irving: I assure this is not any kind of prank by me. Stacy: Oh, he said assure. He must be serious. Buford: Why so seri- Irving: NO JOKER JOKES ALLOWED! Buford: Jeez, sorry. Stacy: I have a question: Why did you invite a pharmacist? Doofeshmirtz: For the last time, I’m not a pharmacist! Irving: Just thought it’d be fun to have him. But if you talk to him, make sure he doesn’t bring up evil. Phineas: So what shall we be doing on this fine All Hallows eve? Irving: That’s a very good question. You see Phineas, we shall spend the entire night…there! Irving pointed out the window to a building which was not far from there. Buford: Weenie hut Jrs? Irving: No, I was pointing to the place next to it! Phineas: You mean the real spooky house perched on a hill in a non-hill filled area? Irving: Yes! Albert: But Irving, there’s a legend that says tons of stuff happened there. Like an old sea captain died cuz his wife was a cheating jerk and his ghost stole the head of this kid and the kid’s ghost still looks for the head, and aliens land there every year! Irving: Every spooky old house has a legend like that, and they never turn out to be true. Baljeet: He is correct. As a man of science, I must say that ghosts do not exist. Phineas: Well, if aliens are real, then why not ghosts? Baljeet: Aliens? Phineas: Yea, we met this alien named meap. Albert: Irving showed me some pictures of him once. He’s the cutest thing in the world! Stacy: Ahem! Albert: I mean 2nd cutest. Baljeet: So you went back in time AND met aliens? Phineas: Yes. Baljeet: WHY DO I MISS EVERYTHING?! Irving: So anyway…let us venture forth! ?: STOP RIGHT THERE! They looked to see that someone had burst into the house . Man: FREEZE! Irving: CRAP, IT’S THE GHOST! Man: Quiet down I’m not a ghost. I’m just Joe. Joe the cop. Buford: Cop? THAT’S EVEN WORSE! Joe Cop: Okay Calm, I won’t arrest anyone…yet. Irving: What seems to be the problem, officer? Joe the cop: Well, we’ve done quite a bit of research with our paranormal investigator, and we have reason to believe one of you…IS AN ALIEN! Irving: I nominate albert! Albert: Why you little- Doofenshmirtz: The good kind or the bad kind? Joe: Bad All: CRAP! Joe: So I’m forced to put this place under lockdown while you guys figure this out. Doofenshmirtz: Well, what are you going to do? Joe: I’m going to go get a burger. Irving: Don’t you mean donut? Joe: That’s a stereotype! Joe stomped out of the house, leaving them to settle the alien thing. Irving: Well, let’s start turning against each other! Doofenshmirtz: I’m already against everyone. Can I go now? Irving: Not until we find out who this alien dude, or woman, is! Albert: Okay, we know it’s not me, since if I was an evil alien, you would all be dead by now. I shall be the leader of this investigation. Irving: But this is my party! I should be the leader! Albert: Crud, you have a point there, Irving. For once. Irving: Thank you. Anyway, let’s list our top 5 suspects. 1st is Baljeet. Baljeet: Why me? Irving: Because…I couldn’t think of anyone else Buford: He’s no alien, trust me. He’s just really weird and nerdy. Irving: Right, Buford would know if Baljeet was an alien...UNLESS BUFORD IS! Albert: No Irving, most aliens are smart. Buford: HEY! Albert: Offense was intended. Irving: Okay, Suspect #2…ferb Both: ….Nah. Stacy: What about me? Albert: Stacy, no one would ever suspect you of being an alien. You are way too cute. Baljeet: Actually, according to my knowledge of Science fiction, female aliens are usually quite attractive. Buford: Pfft, that’s stupid. All evil aliens are ugly. I don’t see myself falling for an alien chick anytime soon Irving: …Indeed. Okay, clearly no one is going to fess up being an alien. So I say we get help to detect a possible alien in disguise! Baljeet: …Fine, but you owe me for this,. Albert: Okay, let’s do some alien hunting! /// The three nerds were sitting the floor surround by dozens of alien books, science-y papers, and other stuff. Irving: Okay, so after about one hour of hard research we have come to the conclusion that. Baljeet: We suck at this? Albert: Took the words right out of my mouth. Phineas: Uh Irving? Perhaps ferb and I should take over. Irving: …Nah. You always solve our problems, I want to be the hero…and so does albert. K? Ferb: Whatever makes this Halloween special end faster Buford: Dang it, I just repaired that 4th wall! Albert: Okay, let’s ask the first suspect that comes to mind.. Irving: You’re right…. // Albert: Okay dude, TALK! Ferb: …That’s against my nature. Irving: Albert, why do you think Ferb’s an alien? Albert:...His name is flipping ferb? Ferb: Actually, it’s short for- Irving: Whatever. Let him go, Albert Albert: Fine/ Irving: Okay, bring in our next person. /// Irving: TALK! Lawrence: Who are you? Albert: Joe said it someone inside the house. He was OUTSIDE, you quarter wit! Heh, quarter wit…it’s less than half/ Lawrence: …Can I go now? Albert: Yes. Yes you can. Irving: Okay, bring in ANOTHER person // Irving: …okay, talk. Doofenshmirtz: ..You’re just pulling random people, aren’t you? Irving: …maaaaaaybe. Albert: Look irving, we are almost out of suspects. I suggest we really think about this instead of blindly asking people. Irving: Well, okay then. Has anyone been acting…different? Albert: Not that I know. Everyone’s been doing the normal formula as usual. Irving: Has anyone disappeared for a short period of time? Albert: Nope. Irving: Has anyone showed any of the classic alien signs? Albert: Not that I know of Irving: Dang it! There’s no easy way to spot the alien. Albert: Maybe we should set up alien traps or something. Irving: Eh, okay. I’m out of ideas anyway /// Albert: Okay, did you get the trap ready? Irving: Could you please explain this trap to me? Albert: Well, I’ve set a special pad which activates a force field, which only traps aliens! Irving: Well, that seems easy. Now all we have to do is wait for it to walk by… // A few hours later, everyone was at different places in the house, bored out of their mind. Irving and Albert were especially bored Irving: Go fish. Albert: I thought this was Texas hold em’ Irving: …I don’t know what game we’re playing anymore Albert: …Okay, I got a card game. Let’s play 52 card pickup./ Irving: Fine. Albert: *Throws cards on floor* pick up the cards. Irving: Dang it, where’s that alien? ?: hey, what’s this force field doing around me?! Both: …yes! They looked at the trap to see….Meap. Irving: oh, it’s just meap/ Albert: But…he spoke in English! Meap: Mustache translator. Pretty handy. Irving: So, what brings you here? Meap: I detected an alien here, and I’m trying to find it. Irving: Hey, us too! Albert: Can you help us? Meap: Well, I don’t see why not? Albert: Yes! Cue the alien hunting montage! /// ( Alien Hunting Montage plays) Albert: Okay, after searching around and finding we clues we have at least two suspects. Meap: Perfect! Who are they? Irving: Well, the first one we came up with is one we doubted earlier… Albert: Yes… Both: FERB! Meap: ..Ferb? Irving: Yes! It’s so obvious! I know i said he isn't. but it just came to me! He’s weird and mysterious, he has green hair, and his name is freaking FERB! Albert: Plus he rarely speaks. Because English isn’t his first language! Meap: uh…I want to point out the flawed logic in that, but I just want to see how this plays out. Albert: Okay, let’s talk to Ferb…again. /// Everyone was gathered in the living room, to see what conclusion the nerds had come to. Irving: Okay first of all, let me introduce you all to Meap! Phineas: Hey, haven’t seen you in a while! Meap: Hey. Albert: With the help of Meap, we have figure out who has the alien heart! Lawrence (Off Screen): HA!. Albert: And we know it’s.. BOTH: FERB! Phineas: …Seriously? Irving: It’s obvious why we think so. Thus, I will not explain it. Meap: Irving, it’s quite obvious that- Ferb: I am the alien. Meap: You see, I told you-what? Irving: I KNEW IT! Candace: …I am the alien! Albert: But Candace, how could you- Phineas: I am the alien! Meap: The heck? Baljeet: I am the alien! Doofenshmirtz: I broke the dam! …I mean, I am the alien! Irving: YES! It’s working! Albert: What? Irving: You see Albert, during the scene transition, I told everyone to say they are the alien in order to get the real alien so annoyed, they would show themselves Albert: …that’s genius! ?: UGH, YOU STUPID HUMANS! Irving: yes! They turned around to see that the alien was s-
* END OF REEL* Narrator: …Oh crap, I never finished writing this one. Well…..i should tell you what happens to the boys. …Everyone dies. The end. Bye! THE END HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
|
![[RDF Data]](/fct/images/sw-rdf-blue.png)