| abstract
| - Benson: Okay, everyone. Unfortunately, the government just passed a new law. Starting today all park employees must pass an annual fitness test in order to keep their job. Benson: I know. I know. I don't want to be here any more than you do. So let's get this over with so we can get back to work. Benson: All right, guys. Last part of the fitness test. Just do one pull-up, and we can get out of here. Rigby: Dude, this test was so easy! Mordecai: I know, right? What a waste of time. Rigby: Do you wanna go play some video games after this? Mordecai: Ye-e-ah, I do! Benson: Mordecai! Rigby! Quit talking and get on the bar! Mordecai: See you on the other side. (He walks away and goes does his pull up with ease) Boom! Rigby: (walks up to the pull up bar) Time to show all you chumps how to do a pull-up like a real man! Muscle Man: Whomp-whomp! Wh-whomp... Who-o-mp! Rigby: Stop talking! Mordecai: Come on, dude! Quit messing around and just do the pull-up. Rigby: I'm trying! Muscle Man: Oh, man! You can't even do one pull-up? (points at Rigby) Rigby: Yes, I can! (slaps Muscle Man away) It was only because you distracted me with that stupid noise! Muscle Man: Oh, so it was the noise's fault that you can't do a pull-up. Is that it? Rigby: Yes! Yes! (pushes Muscle Man away) It was that stupid noise! Muscle Man: Fine. Then go again. Rigby: Don't make that noise again! Muscle Man: I won't. I promise. Muscle Man: Whomp-whomp! Wh-who-o-mp! Benson: Cool it, Muscle Man. Let's go, Rigby. Just do the pull-up. Pops: Oh, how embarrassing! Mordecai: Dude, come on! Muscle Man: (laughs) Oh, man! He can't even do one pull-up! Benson: I'm sorry, Rigby, but I can't give you a passing grade on the test. If you can't do a pull-up by the end of the week, I'm gonna have to fire you. Rigby: But... Whatever, I was just tired! I'll be able to do a pull-up. You'll see. Rigby: Time to warm up with some Gym Class! "Because you know it's better than the real thing." Mordecai: Dude, what are you doing? Rigby: What does it look like? I'm training to do a pull-up. Mordecai: Dude, that's not doing anything! Rigby: If it's not doing anything, then how come I'm already breaking a sweat? Mordecai: Um, I don't know. Maybe because you're really out of shape? Rigby: Does this look like I'm out of shape? Rigby: Carbo-loading!! Mordecai: Rigby! You got to take this seriously! Rigby: Oh, I got to take it seriously? Is this serious enough for you? (pulls out his walkie talkie and presses the talk button) Benson, I'm ready to do my pull-up now. Benson: All right. Let's get this over with. Rigby: Here's how we do it in Gym Class, losers. Benson: Well? Rigby: I'm trying! Mordecai: Come on, Rigby. Just get it over with. Benson: (stern voice) You have until Friday. (walks away) Eileen: Hey, Rigby. Is anything wrong? Rigby: (takes a quick sip of coffee, speaking in an aggressive tone) No, I'm fine. Eileen: Are you upset 'cause you can't do a pull-up and you might get fired? Rigby: What?! Who told you that? Eileen: Muscle Man was in here earlier. He was selling tickets to watch you fail. Rigby: (groans) Maybe he's right. I can't believe I'm gonna lose my job over a stupid pull-up. Eileen: You know, maybe I can help you. I was on the pep squad in high school. Rigby: (scoffs) Thanks, Eileen, but I'm gonna need a lot more than pep to do a pull-up. Eileen: Training starts after my shift. (walks away with the coffee jug) Eileen: All right! Give it a try! Rigby: (straining) Ugh, this is too hard. Eileen: I think I see the problem. You're not visualizing your own success. Rigby: Huh? Eileen: You need to see it. Close your eyes. Eileen: Now visualize yourself doing a pull-up. Rigby: I can't. Eileen: Come on, you're not trying! Close your eyes and really concentrate. What do you see? Rigby: A grilled cheese sandwich. Eileen: Okay, okay. Picture that sandwich. Now picture your goal -- doing that one pull up. Eileen: Can you see it? Rigby: Look! I'm almost -- (drops down) Man, I almost had it! Eileen: (nods) We'll get there. Eileen: Come on, Rigby. We're almost out of time! You can do this! Rigby: I can do this! Eileen: (chanting) One pull-up! One pull-up! Rigby: One pull-UP! (struggles and drops down. Rigby takes off his beanie and throws it down on the ground) This is hopeless! I'm never gonna be able to do this! Eileen: Rigby! Rigby, wait! (stands at the coffee shop entrance) I know you can do it. Rigby: This is so lame! Lame government fitness test! Lame arms! Why's it got to be so hard?! Man on Advertisement: (Russian accent) Feeling weak? Looking pathetic? If you're watching television, you probably are! Luckily, this TV commercial can save you! If you want muscle fast, but hate working out, then you need The Russian! Rigby: Yeah, I do. Man: The Russian uses electrotherapy to shock your muscles into growing. There's no effort from you. Just switch it on and you'll be stronger in no time (Men on TV are using The Russian and suddenly have muscles) Man: Thank you, The Russian! (karate chops chair with ease) Rigby: Ahh yeah! That's exactly what I need. (Scene changes to Pops' house at night and Rigby puts the box of The Russian on the living room table. Rigby takes off the lid of The Russian. He takes the instructions from the box) Rigby: Do not operate The Russian for more than ten minutes a day. Pfft. (throws instructions out). Well, I wanna get extra bulk! So I'll need it on for eleven. Rigby: Those jerks better buy their tickets for the gun show tomorrow! Rigby: Thanks, The Russian! (falls asleep) Benson: Where the heck is Rigby? We're almost out of time! Pops: Maybe his nerves got the better of him. Mordecai: No, he'll be here. Muscle Man: He better. 'Cause I got a lot of people here who paid good money to watch him try. Muscle Man: Let me remind you -- there are no refunds in the event of a no-show. Eileen: This is weird. Rigby trained really hard for this. He wouldn't just blow it off. I'll go check on him (runs off to Pops' house) Eileen: (opens the door) Rigby? Oh, there you are. (walks in) You got to – Rigby: It worked! Eileen: What did you do?! Rigby: I used The Russian to get totally ripped! This is awesome! Now to go bust out my pull-up! Rigby: Huh? (tries to get down and breaks the table, The Russian and more of the floor) My muscles are too heavy! I can't stand up! Eileen: Oh, Rigby, there are no shortcuts to physical fitness. Rigby: Oh, no, I'm gonna lose my job! (struggles to get up and drops down) No, no, no, no! (slaps the ground and breaks more. Rigby sighs) Eileen: Come on, you can still make it. Rigby: Aw, it's hopeless! Eileen: No, it's not! There's still time! Do what I say! Close your eyes! Eileen: Now picture that pull-up bar! Do you see it? Rigby: I see it! I see the pull-up bar! Eileen: Then go do it!! Eileen: You're doing it! Just use your arms! Keep going! That's it! Benson: (holding the stopwatch) Pfft, he's late! Benson: What is that? Mordecai: It's Rigby! Benson: You've only got 30 seconds left! Rigby: Yes!! Eileen: Rigby, you have 15 seconds to get up here and do a pull-up! Rigby: 15 seconds?! Benson: (stops stopwatch) Time! Benson: You did it, Rigby! You can stay at the park! Eileen: Rigby! You were wonderful! Rigby: Thanks, Eileen. I couldn't have done it without you. I'd hug you, but I should probably wait till these muscles go away. I don't want to break your spine. Eileen: I'll take my chances. Eileen: (tearing up) Totally worth it.
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