| abstract
| - Tacoma: So we doing this? Donnie: Yeah. I just needed to get some coffee. Tacoma: That's water. Donnie: (looking into the cup) So it is. Tacoma: Come on. Let's get started. Rebecca: This is gonna be so good. Tacoma: It's perfect. Rebecca: Wow, this is some of your best work. I think. Tacoma: Thanks. Thanks but your input has really made it come full circle. Rebecca: You know, what's a movie without rabid monkeys? Tacoma: Exactly. Rebecca: Nobody ever does that anymore. Ever. Tacoma: Never. We've seen rabid raccoons and squirrels. Simians. Rebecca: Donnie. What do you think? Rebecca: (mysteriously) Come back. Donnie: Huh? Rebecca: Earth to Donnie. Are you listening or not? Donnie: I'm sorry. Uh, where were we? Tacoma: Well, I'm thinking it's time we film something different. Something other than a remake. Donnie: OK, I'm with ya. Rebecca: How are you with Carmen Sandiego? Donnie: A Carmen Sandiego movie? Rebecca: Except we don't half-ass it like those other video game movies. We throw everything we can into it. Tacoma: For example, it opens up with the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Rebecca: Except Lincoln turns around and BLOWS John Wilkes Booth away. Donnie: How is that possible? Tacoma: Carmen Sandiego has stolen a time machine and she's going back through history settling all of history's greatest scores. Rebecca: Killing Hitler, letting Crazy Horse win and then stealing all their shit. Tacoma: So the police are not only trying to arrest her for thievery but they're also trying to award her the medal of honor. Donnie: Cool. I like it. It makes her complex. Tacoma: First thing's first. All our hopes rest on the Nostalgia Critic. People will love that. Donnie: (suddenly concerned) What did you say? Tacoma: I said all our hopes rest on nostalgia. Critics like that and the people will too. Donnie: Hmm. Well, obviously we got our leading lady. Tacoma: We do? Donnie: Yeah. Rebecca. Tacoma: (confused) Is she a friend of yours? Donnie: (even more confused) And yours. (Tacoma still looks confused) Dude, what the hell's wrong with you? She's sitting right there... Tacoma: Donnie. Are you OK? Donnie: How many people work here? Tacoma: Four. You, me, Quinn, and Carl. Donnie: You never heard of a woman named Rebecca Stone who did a one-woman Titanic, beat a turkey to death, and wears a t-shirt that says "Malkovich Equals Balls." Quinn: A cup of warm Irish milk. Just like me grandmother used to drink every night when she'd go to bed. Donnie: This tastes like microwave Bailey's. Quinn: There's more alcohol in that. Donnie: (sighs) Could it be I possibly fabricated a person out of nowhere? It can't be. She seemed so real. Tacoma: Nope. It's always been just you, me, and Carl. Donnie: And Quinn. Tacoma: Who? Donnie: (slams his hand down) Qui... Tacoma: Is Quinn the refrigerator? Donnie: (gets up) No, Quinn's not the refrige... (looks out the door) Quinn! Quinn! Who gave me this warm Bailey's? Tacoma: That's not Bailey's. That's Yoo-Hoo. Tacoma: I searched the whole internet. Public records. Everything. There is no Quinn. Donnie: But Carl... Tacoma: ...works alone. Carl: So, are ve done wizz zis little interrogation or vhat? Donnie: Yeah. Yeah, you can go. (As Carl leaves, Donnie grabs him back) No, wait. If you go out there, you could disappear like everyone else. I ... When did he grow the goatee? He didn't have a goatee. Everything's topsy-turvy now. It's an upside-down world. Carl: Enough! Za goatee was a bi-product of drinking so many sauer-kraught Schnapps last night. (Leaves) And it vas delicious. Donnie: I guess you were out drinking with Quinn then. I think I'm going to have myself committed. Tacoma: Donnie. It's OK. I've already called an ambulance. Donnie: Thanks. You're a good friend. I think. Tacoma: We try. Tell you what. I'll stay with you until it arrives. Donnie: Doesn't matter. You'll be gone with all the rest of them. Tacoma: Donnie. I'm not going anywhere. (Donnie sighs) Donnie, listen. Let me tell you something. Donnie: What? Donnie: Carl. Donnie: (relieved) Carl. Dinosaur Carl: Yeah? Doug: Ah shit. Doug: Ah. Ok. Mmm. He still has trouble with his script before sitting in his chair again. The doorbell is suddenly heard. In a quickly edited fashion, he answers the door, is handed a package, signs for it, closes the door, and sits down to open his package. He opens it to find a DVD copy of the Disney film The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Doug: (on the phone) I ordered the original Odd Couple, not The Odd Life of Timothy Green. I don't even think it's the real movie. I think it's a pirated version. ... Well, that's all fine and good. What am supposed to do with this? ... Oh, I see. Plant it in the back and see if the real movie grows, huh? Screw you! Doug: I'm gonna regret this. Doug: My god... Doug: Okay, so this is supposed to be a feel-good family film about a couple that plants a child in the backyard. No! First of all, before you grow your tomato child, didn't you think like...an orphanage! Hello! You could go to an orphanage! There's lots of children there. You could pick from them like a garden...except you don't have to grow them! Everybody should get a Jesus kid! That's what it is, a kid that popped up with no sex. Jesus Kid...or Anakin Skywalker-that's even better! How am I supposed to like these people? At all? They're all horrible! You're horrible people! (on the bed covering his face and moving his legs in motion) AWFUL! AWFUL! (now enraging on the bed just like the NC) People who made this movie should be studied! I-it-jus-They thought this is how people would act! This is how people would-It's not! It's not how anybody would act! They would donate that kid to science! (now calm) That was new. That was a new experience for me. You-*beat*-You got balls, Timothy Green. I don't know, maybe they're leaves but... (chuckles a bit and thinks about what he just did' Oh wow, that was something. Lewis: Hello! Doug: Hey Lewis. Lewis: Hey Doug, what's up? Doug: I...um...I got a bit of a question for you. Lewis: Shoot! Doug: Do you think I did the right thing ending the Nostalgia Critic? Doug: It's just...you ever think we left too early? Like, there's more things we could have done with him? Lewis: What do you mean? Doug: (sighs) We stopped because we thought we were done, but...recently a lot of new ideas have been coming up in my head. Lewis: Such as..? Doug: Well, for example, I just saw "The Odd Life of Timothy Green"... Lewis: (appalled) Oh Doug. Why? Doug: It doesn't matter. Lewis: I think it does! Doug: (continuing) It was weird. I felt the exact same way I did when we first started! I mean, the excitement, the fresh ideas... (a beat) I'm wondering if I made the right choice. Lewis: Well, I'm not sure I'm the guy that can answer that for ya. Really, it boils down to you. Doug: Yeah... But I made a choice, you know. I... just felt that it was the right time to go. Lewis: Your fans didn't seem to think so. Doug: (sarcastically) Oh! Did they notice? The ass-number of e-mails asking the Critic to come back didn't seem to tip me off! I can't just do it for the fans though. I gotta do it 'cause I want to do it. Lewis: Well, that's why it's your choice. Bottom line, if you feel like there's potential and you can keep it going for a long time, bring him back. But if you think you only have enough for once in a while, just keep it once in a while and go out on top. Doug: (nodding his head) All right. Thanks man. Lewis: Oh hey, Pollo and Harvey say hi too! Doug: Lewis? Buddy? Are you convinced that the characters from your show are real people? Lewis: Doug, of course not! I'm not deranged. It's just Pollo and Harvey that are real. Lewis: So, Pollo! What are your thoughts on the subject? Lewis: (nodding) Yeah, and what's that? Lewis: (laughing) Oh man, that's a great one! Nostalgia Critic: (in the video) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to. NC: Oh, this is about as pretentious, sexist, and downright pointless movie you can ever see in the sci-fi genre. It's corny, it's weird, it's downright savage at times. Let's take a look at "Doomsday Machine." NC: (seriously) So what are you waiting for? Hmm? NC: You know it's just a matter of time. Doug: You're not real. You're just a fragment of my not very concernable imagination. Critic: Maybe. Or maybe it's like what you said before. Doug: And what did I say before? NC: How a character can become so real that they cease being a character. They become ingrained in your mind, and you can't get rid of them no matter how hard you try. Even to the point where they take on a life of their own. Doug: No. You were the buried remains of some nostalgia that I have left behind. NC: (chuckles) Oh, isn't that cute? You're nostalgic for the Nostalgia Critic. Doug: I made a choice. I said that I'm not going back and I'm gonna do exactly that. NC: Why? What's stopping you? Doug: What am I supposed to go back to anyway? Quoting memes and running jokes? NC: It isn't always about memes and running jokes. It's about that passion for film and that love of making people laugh. And I know you still have a hunger for both. Doug: ...It ran its course. NC: Listen to yourself! You got so sick and tired of it that you actually forgot you enjoy it. NC: Remember? NC: Every single time you thought you were done with it you came up with something better. When you had time to think, time to focus, time to put that extra effort in. But you had anniversary movies, conventions, other shows, your own life to live. All trying to write, act, and edit a 20 minute video every single week. Face it buddy, you weren't done yet. You just hit burnout. Doug: I'm not going back. NC: Yeah? (he leans in closer to his camera) Then why don't you just make me go away? NC (panting): See, I told you, you can't get rid of me! NC (panting even more): It's gonna cost ya, Tinkerbell. Todd: I don't even get it. Why would a song have a lyric as stupid as- NC: See? You can't make me disappear! Todd: What the hell are you doing in my video? NC: Oh, piss off, Alfred Hitchcock. Todd: Get the hell out! NC: You get the hell out! Todd: I live here! NC: You know what?! Bite me, Hamburglar! NC (on Google): Say, have you ever Googled 'do a barrel roll'? It's really cool! Doug: Okay, that's it. Lindsey: Hello? Doug: Lindsey? Lindsey? I need your help. Lindsey: Doug, are you chewing on something? Doug: Tranquilizers. I've taken enough to kill a baby rhinoceros. Lindsey (sarcastically): Well, that's a great way to start off a conversation. Doug: Look, you're a friend and I just need you to be straight forward with me on something. Lindsey: Okay, what? Doug: Should I bring back the Nostalgia Critic? Lindsey: What? Doug: I mean I know it won’t be entirely impartial seeing how nostalgic movies are now your domain and everybody comes to you for them but I trust you on this and I want your honest opinion. Lindsey: No. Doug: No? Just like that? Lindsey: Exactly. You made your choice and you should stick with it. The Critic had a great run but now it’s time to branch out and do new things. I mean, do you really want to do this for the rest of your life? Doug: Well, I don’t really think it would- Lindsey (interrupting): Of course you don’t! So why don’t you just stick with the plan and do what you know is right? Doug (sighs): Yeah, you’re right. I do want to try new things. Thanks a lot, Lindsey. I know a lot of people in your position would probably have an agenda but it’s good to know you always give it to me straight. Lindsey: Anytime, Doug. Anytime. Lindsey: You know what to do. Nella (rolls down the window): Hey Doug! Nella: Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you! You shouldn’t be the Nostalgia Critc anymore! You should go off and do those new things. Everybody loves them! Don’t believe the haters, man. Just don’t be doing Nostalgia Critic anymore. So there. Doug (on the answering machine): Hey, it’s Doug! Leave a message at the beep. Rob (on the phone): Hey, Doug, it’s Rob. Um, I’m never travelling to New York again. NC (in Doug’s head): Bring me back, bring me back, bring me back, bring me back. You know it’s your destiny, you know it’s your destiny, bring me back. Pee-Wee Herman: Ha ha! Yeah, bring him back! Bring him back! NC: Pee-Wee Herman? What are you doing here? Pee-Wee: It’s a dream. Dreams are like that. C’mon! Let’s go ride Mark Wahlberg’s fake penis from Boogie Nights! NC: Boy, he’s gonna have some questions when he wakes up! Brad (picks up the phone): Hello! Doug: Hey Brad! I’m having a debate on whether or not to bring the Nostalgia Critic back. Brad: Oh, well. Ha ha ha! I don’t care Doug: I’m not bringing him back, ya hear! I’ve got other ideas I want to try! New ideas! Stuff I’ve always wanted to do! NC: Who’s to say you can’t do your other ideas? Doug: I’m done talking to you. NC: The only one you’d have to give up is Demo Reel. NC: And we already know what that was this whole time. What Donnie was this whole time. You were even starting to write it. Once again, a character you love is hard to get away from. You dedicated so much time to our show. Making sure there was a new episode every week for over four and a half years! Maybe you didn’t need to stop altogether, maybe you just needed a break. A chance to take a little time off and come back fresh and new. Did that ever come into your mind? I’ll tell you what. If you answer this honestly, I’ll go away forever. Tell me, right now, without any hint of distrust: Do you want to do this again? Do you have that same passion you had before? That passion for comedy, film and reviewing? Do you honestly want me to come back? Doug (quietly): Yes. NC (from offscreen): Then what are ya waiting for? NC (indicating the other end of the table): We have work to do. Doug: Some ground rules. NC: Fair enough. Doug: Reviews every two weeks. NC: TWO WEEKS?! Doug: Maybe every other week I can do a mini-review or a film editorial but if we still want these jokes to still be fresh and funny, I need more time on them and that’s gonna be two weeks. NC (sighs): So be it. Rule two, no more cutoff dates. Doug: What? NC: I want to review whatever I want whenever I want. Doug: But you’re the Nostalgia Critic. It’s in your name. NC: I won’t review anything currently in theaters. And besides, if you’re seeing something after it came out in the cinema doesn’t that technically make it nostalgic? Doug (sighs): Well, I guess horrible films aren’t restricted to just one time period. NC (nodding): Very true. Doug: One last condition. NC: Yeeesss? Doug (picks up the Timothy Green DVD): This has to be the first review. NC: Why? Doug: This is the movie that brought you back. That made me realize I could actually do this again. I feel like I owe it. NC: But nobody saw it! I don’t even know how many people remember it. Doug: Maybe it’s to show that even something that’s regarded as terrible or forgettable can still inspire something creative. NC: Done. Doug: All right then. What’s next? NC: I think you know what’s next. Doug (speaking through the Plot Hole): Hello, Donnie. Donnie: Wha…? Who are you? What are you? Doug: I am the creator of a web series that takes a critical look at nostalgic movies. Donnie: I… I don’t understand. Tacoma: The person you are now is the direct result of a choice. Donnie (confused): Tacoma? Tacoma: A choice you made for the sake of the Plot. Donnie (even more confused): Plot? Rebecca: Yes. You sacrificed yourself to the Plot Hole, bringing order to chaos, logic to insanity. But something went wrong. Donnie: What? Quinn: Your mind couldn’t handle the paradox of your own martyrdom. It wouldn’t let you believe that you were capable of such a selfless act. Donnie: Well then, what is this? Where am I? Carl: It is ein- (He pushes past the others) Out of mein vay! A prison, a purgatory. Forged deep in za depths of your own neuroses and made flesh by za Plot Hole. Now at last you will know vhat it’s like to experience failure und see through the eyes of tortured child stars und vatch as all of your ambition crumbles into a mangy pile of heap. A lifetime of harsh criticisms atoned for at last. Doug: And it’s for precisely these reasons that you need to come back. Donnie: Come back! To what? I sound like a fucking maniac! Doug: To some. But to others… Donnie (intrigued): Who was I? Donnie: Oh… my… God. YOU SON OF A BITCH! Do you have any idea how much this shit scarred me? Do you have any idea the hell I had to go through here? I was a godawful filmmaker! I made movies that nobody liked! I tried telling everybody my good intentions but no one ever listened to me! I was a horrible child star actor! My mother was destroyed by the Hollywood system! This is the worst possible punishment that could ever be devised for me! SWEET JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST WITH DINNER, A SHOW AND A KISS GOODNIGHT! Doug: Yes. Donnie: AND?! Doug: But perhaps now, you’re a little wiser. Everyone you criticize from this point on has a face. In every way, they are just like you. They work hard, they feel pain, they laugh, they cry. And when you mock them, you also mock yourself. You can still criticize all you want but deep down inside, you’ll always know what it’s like to be on the other side. And never truly forget. Donnie: So now what? Doug: Now it’s time to go back… and review again. Donnie: Wait! What about the Plot Hole? I mean, I was sent in to keep it stable and I couldn’t do it. Someone has to sacrifice their life to obsess over all the little mistakes of the world. Doug: It’s all right. I found someone obsessed with mistakes and who had no life worth sacrificing. Douchey: There’s a mistake! (He zaps it) There’s a mistake! (Zaps it) There’s a mistake! (Zaps it) Oh my God! This is the worst job ever! Doug: So, what are you waiting for, Critic? There’s a whole world to criticize. Donnie: But wait! What about them? Doug: They belong to the Plot Hole now. As soon as you leave. Donnie: But I’ve gotten to know ‘em and- Tacoma: Hey, don’t worry about us. Rebecca: Yeah, we’ve gotten through tougher scrapes. Quinn: Like killer turkeys. Carl: Und Swedish terrorists. Donnie: Sure? Tacoma: Yeah. Rebecca: I think you learned your lesson. Quinn: But if you ever need a reminder, you know where to find us. Carl: Now walk through zat portal and face your destiny. Zat’s an order. Donnie: Thanks, guys. Nella (sitting down next to Lindsey): The deed is done. NC: Hello. I’m the Nostalgia Critic and I’m back to remember it so you don’t have to. Nella: Oh, you meant for me to… oh (laughs nervously) That’s really funny. I’m gonna be somewhere that’s not gonna- Lewis: Pollo! That was a very off-color joke you said! Don’t you agree, Cybermats? Astro-Megaship (in Lewis’ voice): Well, I think that- Lewis: Nobody cares what you think, Astro-Megaship! Brad: Nostalgia Critic? Who the fuck is that? When are you gonna bring back Melvin?
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