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| - We open on a ship, the BIG-ASS SHIP, sailing through foggy waters. A GIRL can be seen at the rail, looking out over the prow. She is singing an old pirate shanty. Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s another Disney film, They pillage and plunder and rifle and loot, Buy t-shirts at the foy-er. It’s pirates and swords and guns and ships, Buy up me hearties, Hi Ho! Hi Ho, Hi Ho, this one’s got Johnny Depp in, He’s loved by your mommies and grans, So drink up me hearties— Suddenly, a HAND clutches her shoulder. She gasps and turns to find MR. MCNALLY squinting down at her. LIEUTENANT (approaching)
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| abstract
| - We open on a ship, the BIG-ASS SHIP, sailing through foggy waters. A GIRL can be seen at the rail, looking out over the prow. She is singing an old pirate shanty. Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s another Disney film, They pillage and plunder and rifle and loot, Buy t-shirts at the foy-er. It’s pirates and swords and guns and ships, Buy up me hearties, Hi Ho! Hi Ho, Hi Ho, this one’s got Johnny Depp in, He’s loved by your mommies and grans, So drink up me hearties— Suddenly, a HAND clutches her shoulder. She gasps and turns to find MR. MCNALLY squinting down at her. Quiet, Missy! Ye don’t want t’ be overdoin’ it with Disney references now, do ye? We’ve got a whole film to fill, so we ‘ave! Why are you talking like a pirate? Aren’t you supposed to be a sailor here? Surely you’d at least try to make it look like you’re not going to end up a pirate in the second act? Rats, this be the flashback bit! Er...stone the crows, squire! I was just ‘avin a giraffe, so I was, me old china, what what, don’t’cha know? LIEUTENANT (approaching) Mr. McNally! That will do for your poorly-attempted proper British accent. Just stick with the pirate speak. Right you are, guv’nor. I’ll be off up the apples and pears and...oh, er, I mean...yarr, matey. I do not care for such talk of pirates. Scallywags and ragamuffins, the lot of them. Well I think it would be rather exciting to meet a pirate. Especially one with excessive eyeliner. Think again, Miss Swann. I intend to see to it that any man who flies a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves…to be mashed into a pulp, then his eyes gouged out while his elbows are broken, then his kneecaps split, his body summarily burned away before having his limbs all hacked and mangled and his nostrils plucked and his bottom burned off and his pe— GOVERNOR (approaching) That’s...that’s quite enough of that. I’m concerned about the effect such talk will have upon my daughter, Lieutenant Jack Davenport. My apologies, Governor Jonathan Pryce. Actually, I find it all fascinating. I think it would be certainly marvellous to meet a pirate, perhaps when we’re marooned on a desert island somewhere and we sing songs and drink lots of rum then lay down on the beach and... Er...look, a conveniently distracting umbrella in the water! Gasp! And look! There’s a boy in the water! Lawks! Also, there’s a burning ship. Meh. But the boy is far more important. I want you to look after him. He'll be in your care, meaning I’ve inadvertently set up the relationship my daughter enters into that I risk her life to get her out of later in the series. I’m a very forward-thinking person. Hey, I wonder if these wigs come in "distinguished grey"? Meanwhile, the GIRL has wandered off and is trying to rouse the BOY. Suddenly, he wakes with a start, clutching at the GIRL’s arm. Don’t be afraid. I’m a young Keira Knightley. Hi. I grow up to be Orlando Bloom. Jackpot! I’ll be watching you, Orlando. Er, watching over you, that is. He-he. PROTO-ORLANDO slips back into unconsciousness. MINI-KEIRA spots a medallion on a chain around LIL-ORLANDO’s neck. She takes it. Yoink! DAVENPORT (approaching) Did he say anything? Nopes. And I certainly didn’t steal anything from him, so you can’t prove anything at all. O-kay. Well, I and the entirety of the ship’s crew are going to distract ourselves by gawping at that umbrella, so if any large, impossible-to-miss pirate galleons happen to waltz right past us, obviously we won’t actually see them. Ta-ta. Right-o. I’ll just examine this medallion...I legally acquired...many years ago. [beat] Hey, look, a large pirate galleon is waltzing right past! Yikes!
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