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| - __TOC__ Africa : You live in Europe, and have two cows. The cows decide to sail to Africa, and take over a chunk of land when they arrive. They send messages to their friends telling them to come. A whole herd of cows take over Africa, enslave the native cows and declare their superiority over the native cows. Your cows become the co-presidents of their colony, the native cows hate the new cows and the economy goes bankrupt, the government goes corrupt and the native cows and new cows become segregated. Then a group of native cows form a rebel group and fight against the corrupt government. Hundreds and hundreds of cows die or become slaves while the rest of the world doesn't seem to care. While all this happens, you buy two native cows to compensate for the fact your old cows left. Asian : Your chinese family has two cows. They put them in the bank to obtain interest. After thirty years, you have accumulated 2.00274523 cows. You sell them to buy your children a bag of rice. American : You have one male cow, and one female cow, no more, no less, but you downloaded them from Kazaa. It is always inexplicably hot, and your taste in music is cheesy '70s disco, only with less notes. All of your cows are blond, and enjoy drinking milk extremely slowly. American 2 : You have two cows, but you still wish you were Canadian, eh. American 3: Somebody else has two cows, you go in and take them in the name of the War on Terror. American 4: You have one male cow, and another male cow. You take them to Massachusetts, have them married, and then they adopt a Vietnamese son. Antarctica: You have two cows. They freeze to death. Now you have no cows, and you wonder why you even bothered to bring a pair of cows to Antarctica. You can't remember, and your realize really should have thought it through more. Dumbass. Argentina: You have two cows. That's as close as you'll ever get to having a functioning economy. Armenian: You have two million cows. The Ottoman Government, believing they are in league with the enemy, systematically slaughters about one and a half million of them. The remainder flee to Russia. Arrakis : You have two cows which produce milk; the most precious substance in the universe. Milk extends life and expands consciousness. People come and force you to hide in rocky caves, but luckily a leader comes along and helps you out with his prescience. Ooops, now he's fucked up the future real good. He has a son, who bonds with the cows at a genetic level, and fixes everything up by being mean to everyone for thousands of years. You and generations to come still have to scrounge around for milk. After a while some people from very far away come and bomb the shit out of you. End of story. The Bene Gesserit bitches have approved this message. Atlantis : You have two sea cows. Atlantis 2 : You have two cows. They are lost forever. Atlantis 3: You don't have two cows because you don't fucking exist. Australian: You have two cows but only enough land to feed one. Nevertheless you send the cows out to pasture and in fact bring more cows on the land. Within 50 years your land is unproductive and afflicated by salinity, and the cows are nearly dead. Luckily the electoral seats were drawn up in such a way that means your vote is worth much more than an urban, cowless dweller. You now get a large paycheck each month to sit on the verandah and watch the cows die. Eventually bauxite is disovered on your land and the economy is miraculously saved. Australian 2: You have two cows, but they turn out to have poisonous tails, and stab you in the heart. Crikey! Australian 3: You have two cows. To perhaps compensate for their lack of presence on the world stage, they are utterly obsessed with sport, and get a bit arsey if anyone beats them. They are especially fixated on cricket. Bahrain: You have two cows, while the rest of the world starves. Belarus: You have two cows that glow in the dark. Britain : England : You have two cows. They kick a ball for a living. You hand them all of your money. London : You have two cows. They get mugged from you. 'What you got for me blud?' '2 cows...' 'Set me dem or ill shank you bruv' Wales : You have two sheep. One is pretty cute. Wales 2 : You hyve two cwws. Scotland : You have two cows but feel angry because the English cows might just be slightly better and you feel as if they're always trying to belittle you those stupid English people with their superior ways. Och. Scotland 2 : You have two coos. They are big, hairy Highland coos. They drink Irn Bru. [sic] Scotland 3 : You have two coo beasties. Scotland 4 : These coos belong to Not-as-big-as-medium-sized-Jock-but-bigger-than-wee-Jock-Jock. Scotland 5 : You have two cows who are addicted to deep-fried heroin. Bangladesh : You don't have two cows. You have malaria. Bangladesh 2 : You have two trillion litres of seawater in your homes. What's a Kyoto Protocol? Britain circa 2001 : You have two cows, they are in a big fire. Britain circa 2005 : Your parents bought two cows for 6d in 1971; they sell them for a million pounds but can only use the money buy two smaller cows. You cannot afford to buy cows. The government wants to double the price of cows; no-one is sure how that will help. Britain circa 2010 : You didn't elect these two cows, but have them anyway. They both act like a cow you saw in the 1980s. Brazilian : You have two cows. One of them is stolen. The government creates the Compulsory Contibution for Cow Possession (CCCP). An officer comes and fines you, because even though you paid the right amount, it was the price for the assumed number of cows (2), instead of the real (1). The Government, through the data of your milk, cheese and leather consume, assumes that you have 200 cows and, to avoid the complication, you give your other cow to the officer and that's it. Brazilian 2 : You don't have two cows because they're too expensive, since they've been imported from anywhere else. You get a job, but will only be able to get a cow within 3 years of work. Brazilian 3 : You have two cows. You EAT them. With beans and rice, of course. Brazilian 4 : You just arrived at Brazil, and you have two cows. As soon as you go to a beach, somebody offers R$2 for the both cows, saying R$1 = $100. You believe. You lose the cows. (He fooled you, since R$1 = $99.9 - Loser.) Brazilian 5 : You have two cOW! MOTHER FUCKER! That hurt. Canadian : You have two cows, eh. But you are forbidden to sell their milk without a milk marketing board quota. And unless you live in Québec, you cannot obtain said quota. You are also taxed on the cow feed, for transporting the milk to the buyer and for the property the cows are raised on (GST). The tax forms must be filled out in English and French. Also, you have to store the milk in bags. (For the French version of this text, please consult your local library. / Pour la version française de ce texte, consultez votre bibliothèque locale, s'il vous plaît.) Canadian, Part II: You have two cows, but you're still better than an American with two cows. Canada ( Quebec ): You have two cows, they are arrogant and want to separate. Canada ( Quebec ) 2: You motherfucking have fucking two fucking shitty cows shit fuck Cardassia Prime: THERE! ARE! TWO! COWS! CATS: All your cows are belong to us. Chinese : You have two cows. Some red guard claim them for China! Chinese 2 : You can have two cows, but only if you're an American and brought a lot of money. Chinese 3 : To avoid overpopulation you are only allowed one cow. Danish : You have two cows. You trade them for two pigs and sell their delicious bacon. Danish ½ : You have two cows, but some other cows starting coming from other contries and wants to live with you. If you don't accept they'll stay and start raping your cows and elect a racist government... Meanwhile you are powerless and starts to blame Sweden. Norway hates you for taking over Norway over hundreds of years ago so they don't enter the E.U. Meanwhile again Sweden refuses to listen to you so all you can do now is to add this to Uncyclopedia. Danish 2 : You have two cows, but they are both killed by angry Muslims. D.C Comics Universe: You have two cows. Both of them are superheroes. One of them is a slightly lower-level superhero, so it gets killed within a crossover for cheap dramatic effect. The other one is replaced by a younger version. The fans go mental. D.C Comics Universe (Final Crisis Variant): You have two cows. One of them is a superhero. The other is the God Of Darkness And Evil, which manages to successfully invade Earth, corrupt most of the population into crazed zombie worshippers and win the day. Then, that cow is defeated anissue from the end, and it's revealed that another cow that's come out of nowhere is actually the major villain. Then the superheroes have suddenly won the day and it's finished. You think a few pages might have fallen out, but they all seem to be in there. Deaf : (funkitated accent) YOU - HAVE - TWO - COWS !!! Dutch : You have two cows. It is illegal to grow milk, sell milk, or drink milk. However, if you have less than 5 grams of milk on you, the police won't arrest you. For 5 euros, you can have sex with one of the cows. Egg Language : Yeggou heggave teggoo ceggows. Ethiopian : You have two cows. The wind takes them. Finnish : You have two cows. Both of them have cellular phones. They never speak to you, but they occasionally may send a SMS to you. They go to sauna every day naked and swim in a lake no matter whether it is either winter or summer. They like tango heavy-rock/metal very much and they both work in paper industry. Finnish 2 : You have two cows. You are scared of Russia right next to you, and you think that it's better to just hide them into your small basement. They die, and you are happy because now you can send pictures to myspace. People have trouble figuring out if the eurovision winner had been in your own basement and did he have his mask on. Finnish 3 : You have two cows. One grows dreadlocks and buys a guitar somehow and demands that you call him Mikko. The other grows black hair and gay long eyelashes and starts singing in a deep faggy croony voice and somehow all the girls think he's the bee's knees. they name themselves after a goddamn pronoun. First Foundation : The First Cow is on Terminus. Hari Seldon established the Second Cow at "Star's End". French : You have two beautiful cows, but so does everyone else. You don't have to do anything with them though as you gain huge amounts of subsidies from the EU. French 2 : You have two cows, but one burn in an urban riot. Google Earth : You have two cows. Unfortunately they are located within the 99.9999...% of the world where the resolution is so low you can't even see your cows pixels. Old Galactic Republic : Always two cows there are, a master and an apprentice, no more, no less. German : You have two cows obtained for free, but they came with gas masks and rubber suits. You're still not sure how to get the ball gag off. Hong Kong : You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping unlicensed farm animals in your apartment. Hong Kong 2: You have two cows, which you never see, as they are taken care of entirely by your underpaid Filipina maids. Hoth : You had two cows, but you had to kill them and sleep inside them to survive. They smell even worse on the inside. Hyrule : You have two cows, you have to play music for them so they'll give you milk. India : You have two cows. What you mean you have two cows? they're sacred fool! Leave the cow alone. India 2 : You have two cows. You worship both of them. Irish : You have two cows. One of the cows has 26 spots. The other, smaller, cow has 6 spots. Part of the smaller cow wants to be friends with the bigger cow but the other part of him just wants to break his kneecaps. Irish : You see two cows, then pass out. Israeli : You have two cows. One you give to the government to protect you, and the other is blown up because you accidentally left it in a public place. The third is taken by the government, and given to the Shas party in return for 3 votes on the Cow referendum about where the cows are coming from. Israeli II : You have two cows. Everyone else has a lot more cows than you, but they all want your two cows. Some of your neighbors want to kill you to get your cows. You give one of your cows to your neighbor, but he still wants to kill you so he can get the other cow. Israeli III : You have 2 cows. They clap each time a plane lands. People look at you funny. Israeli IV: You have two cows. Your neighbours are pissed off at the idea of you having any cows, and so invade you to try and get rid of you. Ironically, this only leaves you with even more cows. Now they really hate you. So you periodically launch missiles at them. That'll shut them up. Israeli V: You have two cows. The UN took them from Palestine and gave them to you. Palestine wants them back, so you bomb the hell out of Gaza. Then, for good measure, you bomb a UN school in Gaza. That should show them to lay off your cows! Israeli : You have two cows. Your neighbour has a cow which you take. This is obviously within international law. Italian : You have two cows. A bald man tells you that if you vote for him he'll give you another one for free. You don't, but other people do so, and the bald man takes away both cows from you. Japanese : We take a good look at the idea you have two cows. Japanese 2 : You have two cows. Both of your cows have extravagant hairstyles. One of them has very long teats and likes to spray the other cow with milk. Japanese 3 : You have two cows. You redesign them so they are half the size and produce 10 times the milk. 10 years later you will finally sell them to Americans. Japanese 4 : You have two cows. You give them big eyes and create a new cartoon/game/marketing scheme called Cowkimon. Soccer moms all over America want to kill you. Japanese 5: You have two cows. One of them dies, the other kills itself honourably for failing to prevent the first cow's death. Japanese 6: You have two cows. They are deformed and have really big eyes. They like to perform perverse sexual acts with each other. Later you find out the cows are related. The cows become really popular and you export the cows worldwide. Japanese 7: You have two cows. You send them back to America and you have no more cows. Japanese 8: You have two cows. You send them to work in sweatshop earning World of Warcraft gold. You sell World of Warcraft gold. You buy two more cows. You repeat the process. Japanese 9: You notice America has some cows. You take two cows, make them smaller, add about 40 gigs of memory to them, and sell it back the Americans for a profit. Kazakhstan: You have two cows. Nice! High Five! Kazakhstan 2: You have two cows. Assholes Uzbekistan have only one! Great Success! Korean : You have two cows. One goes crazy and creates a socialist paradise, before deciding that all other cows must die and deploying nuclear force. It eats the uranium and swells to a godlike magnitude before blowing corned beef all over the Orient. A round Korean man laughs at you and digs a trench. Your other cow begins to cry and you must console your cow by giving it skin care products that you have had to smuggle from China. The Chinese government takes both your cows and denies claims that their skin care products are made from chinks. Marvel Comics Universe: You have two cows. One of them falls into some radioactive waste and develops superpowers. The second cow is mangled in a scientific experiment, irrationally blames the first cow, and becomes the first cow's archnemesis. Malaysia: You have two cows. You put both of them to work, but neither can get to the office on time because of the gridlocked traffic, and the costs from Cops pulling your cows over for "Speeding" whilst on the Federal Car Park Highway and paying out insurance claims from crazy women in Perodua's crashing into your cows are getting expensive. Only one Cow gets fired for continued lateness though because the other is a Bumi (or "Indigenous") cow, and subject to affirmative action it actually gets promoted over other non-Bumi cows that work in the same company. Your cow that gets fired tries to complain about discrimination, but the police accuse it of sodomy, arrest it, beat the shit out of it, and force you to pay a bribe to get it out of jail. After it gets out of prison it gets fed up and moves to Singapore. With the Singapore based cow making a better wage, you can afford to buy an Investment property in Australia and bring in another Cow from Indonesia, which is given all the benefits of a native Cow despite being from a different country and it opens up a Mamuk's food stall. You use the disparate background of all three cows to enjoy every single culturally catered for public holiday that you can, although your Bumi cows still threaten to slaughter your non-Bumi Cow and bathe the streets with it's blood every time it complains that it's been picked on. Mexico : You have two cow costumes. You and your cousin put them on and walk across the border. Monaco : You have two cows. There is no more room left in your country. Naruto universe : You have two bulls and a cow. Heh, heh, moo. One bull is really great at everything, every cow in the 'verse is constantly squeeing over him, and tends to dominate everything until Vold-sorry, Orochimaru steals him and it's up to your loudmouth, knuckleheaded bull to save him. Moo. Naruto universe 2 : You have two cows. One of them is an illusion crafted by your insane older brother, but it's okay because the other can create dozens of clones of himself. New Zealand : You have two cows. Your sheep are jealous. New Zealand 2 : You have two cows. Every three years, some random middle-aged people get up and promise you ten cows if you vote for them and foresay doom and destruction and that nobody will have any cows if you vote for the other guy. You vote for one of them. Life goes on as normal and you still have two cows. New Zealand 3 : You have two cows. One of your cows is blocking the construction of a highway. The construction firm goes to have the cow removed, but you lodge a complaint under the Resource Management Act on the grounds that your cow is actually a manifestation of a really scary taniwha. Your claim is upheld and the road is not built. New Zealand 4 : You have two cows. They are killed by renegade orcs who ran away from the Lord of the Rings set. New Zealand 5 : You have two cows. Oh wait, it's just Rodney Hide. Sorry. New Zealand 6 : Not even 'cos you have two cows,ow!. New Zealand 7 : You have two kiwis, erm, I mean cows. New Zealand 8 : You have two cows, but they take ages to appear after you look at them, so you call your Cow Service Provider to complain. The CSP Technition explains that this is normal and your just getting 'Full Cow Speed'. Your argue that your friend in Australia can see his cows instantly, but the CSP clames that this is a lie and that they fixed that problem. Nigerian : You have two cows. You sell these cows to get a computer and send E-mails to Americans that claim you are a Nigerian prince, and will send them 10,000 cows if they help you get them out of a frozen bank account. You now have 600,000 cows, but lost them all to another, more convincing Nigerian prince. Norway : You have two cows, but the milk company wont give you quotas to sell the milk, and it's ilegal to sell to anyone else. Winter comes and the cows freeze to death. Oceania: Owner two cow unperson doubleplus good. Oceania 2: You have two cows and another two cows, which means you have five cows. 2+2=5. Oceania 3: You have two cows. You are at war with the people who have one cow. You have always been at war with the people with one cow. You are allied with the people who have three cows. You have always been allied with the people who have three cows. Oceania 4: You have two cows. You are at war with the people who have three cows. You have always been at war with the people who have three cows. You are allied with the people who have one cow. You have always been allied with the people who have one cow. Pakistan : You have 2 cows, and you pat them on the head lovingly before watching an insane man decapitate them both while sitting on them, somehow regardless of what you have just witnessed, you feel a profound sense of being blessed =D. Palestine : You have two cows. The Ottomans pretend to own your cows, but actually don't. Britain comes in, takes your cows and gives them to Israel. You call in all the neighboring countries to get them back but Israel kicks the crap out of them and takes their cows too. Israel offers to give one cow back, but you blow them up out of spite. Now all the cows are dead and you and Israel are blowing each other up on a regular basis. Palestine 2 : You had 2 cows. Damn Israelis. Philippines : You have two cows. One speaks Ilocano, the other Tagalog. Poland : You have two cows. Your neighbour has three cows. You pray to God to kill your neighbour's cows. If that doesn't work - you go and poison them yourself. Poland 2 : You forgot 2 cows. Poland 3 : You have two cows. They get invaded by Zwei Kühe. Portugal : You have two cows. One of them leaves something flammable lying around and a heatwave turns it into a fire, which burns down your cows, your farm and the nearby forest and injures two firemen. You are suspected of arson. Portugal 2 : You have two cows. Even Greece has more cows than you. Portugal 3 : You have two cows. They like fate music, soccer and the Virgin Mary. They drink a lot of wine, drive too fast, and crash on the highway. You watch it on the evening news. Portugal 4 : You have two cows. They have never won a Eurovision song contest. Portugal 5 : You have two cows. One is in Canada and the other in Luxembourg. They sometimes call the morning talk shows and say hi. Portugal 6 : You have two cows. Two Romanian Cows come and still your Cows jobs. Romanian : You have two cows. You send one to steal in Italy and the other you pimp in Spain you wait eagerly for a pair of sneakers from abroad. You wish your neighbor goat died. Romanian 2 : You have two cows. You must bribe them first if you want to milk them. Romanian 3 : You have two cows...that means you're richer than 90% of your country's population. Romanian 4 : You have two cows. They come into your house at night and drink your sweet sweet bodily fluids. Russian : You have one cow, but you bought it off the Internet for an awful lot of money, it doesn't quite match the picture, and it's a lot more interested in eating grass than being eaten by you. Russian 2 : You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your cows and learn you have 5 cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. Russian 3 : You have two cows. Your president makes it illegal to vote for anybody not on the registered voting list (approved by him). Your president centralizes the oil companies in order to one up the Americans. Your government changes the education system to teach that Stalinism wasn't that bad, and sets up sex camps to have children for mother Russia. They then claim the north pole. All in the name of freedom and... hey... where did your two cows go? Saudi Arabia : You have two cows. You also have couple billion dollars thanks to the oil well that you inherited from your father. The rest of the world asks "Why do you get to have two cows on top of that?" You shrug and, on an impulse, buy the Pacific Ocean, and charge rent to all of Australia. Scandinavia : Two cows from each of Norway, Denmark, Finland, and Sweden are marooned on an island. After 3 weeks they are rescued. By that time, the Norwegian cows had built a boat and fished up all the fish around the island. The Danish cows had formed a union. The Finnish cows had cut down all the trees. The Swedish cows were still standing there waiting to be introduced to the other cows. Singapore : You have two cows lah. You are required by law to surrender one cow to the CPF corral lah. The government promises to give you the milk when you retire lah. You mortgage the other cow to pay for your HDB lease and your COE to get you to the market lah. The government complains you are not meeting your milk production quota lah. Massive numbers of foreign cows are imported to boost milk production lah. Foreign cows crowd out local cows in all critical industries, leading to grassland and water shortages lah. Local milk is regarded as inferior and poured down the drain lah. Non-conforming local cows are sued bankrupt and turned into beef burgers lah. Remaining local cows make a run for the farm next-door lah. Property prices fall and the bank repossesses your other cow lah. Foreign cows start leaving when government-supplied feed runs out lah. All other local cows have already starved to death lah. The milk from the CPF cow has gone bad lah. The helpless voters Cow peh Cow bu (local Chinese slang for being at one with the One Zen Cow, muu) lah. Singapore 2 : You have no cows. The government promises to give you two cows but doesn't. Bored taxi drivers complain about the "gahmen" and you whine about not getting your cows. The government taxes you anyway and uses the milk to get foreign cows to come. Then journalists come and ask for your opinion and you speak with an extremely flawed accent about your troubles and then the government takes you up for it anyway. You issue a public apology and they forget about it. Now you owe the government two cows. But you still have the taxi driver. He says it's all the "gahmen's fault". You get indignant that he cannot spell government and that foreigners keep saying your slang is chinese when you really are spouting hokkien vulgarities. You swear not to vote for the Government and they jail you. But of course it doesn't matter because all the foreign cows vote for them anyway. South Africa : You have two cows. One of them is hijacked, and the other one you braai. The whole family has a lekker New Year's Day lunch, and life is good (sort of). South Africa : You have two cows. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You now have tinnitus. Soviet Russia : You have two cows. We will bury them! Soviet Russia 2 : Two cows have you. Soviet Russia 3 : You have two cows. Unfortunately, Comrade Stalin thinks they're plotting against him, so he has them arrested, exiled to Siberia, and shot. Then he has you shot. Bizarro World Soviet Russia : You have two cows. Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia : In Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia, you have two cows with goatees and monocles moonocles. Earth-2 Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia : In Earth-2 Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia, you have two goats with cowtees, the severed head of Jonas Salk, and a staggeringly large box of Dennis. Alternate Earth-2 Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia : In Alternate Earth-2 Mirror Universe Bizarro World Soviet Russia, you have one cow that drinks cognac and enjoys reading 18th century literature, and the aptly named cow, Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Article. Somalia : You have two cows. Moohamed Farrah Aidid takes their food. They die of starvation. Spain : You have two bulls. One runs in the San Fermins. The other one dies in a bullfight. Sparta : You have 2 cows. They each kill 10,000 Persians. Springfield : Don't have 2 cows, man. Sweden : You have two cows. You give the government one of them and they give you fancy education. Since everyone already have fancy education you have to work at McDonalds. Sweden 2: You have two cows. They are pirated cows. The MPAA raids your headquarters, takes the cows, and gives them back two weeks later because of Sweden's lax cow-pyright laws. Sweden 3: You have two cows. The instructions claim they should be easy to put together, but you're missing some of the parts and when you finally get it up one of the legs falls off and you can't get it back on. Eventually, you take them back to Ikea and get a bookcase instead. Switzerland : You have two cows. You sit back and do nothing about everyone else's cows yet you wind up cleaning up their messes. Switzerland 2 : You have received stolen jew cows that you refuse to admit to having. Tatooine : You used to have two cows, but they died because there's NO WATER!!!! Tatooine 2 : You have two banthas, you ride around on them and kill everyone you see. Texas : Of COURSE you have 2 cows. It's TEXAS. You also have a cowboy hat, some saguaro cacti, boots, and a rifle. (Somewhere in Texas, tho, the village idiot is missing) Texas 2 : Y'all have two longhorns! Oklahoma : You're really sick and tired of the way people talk about Texas cows all the time and forget that Oklahoma has perfectly nice cows, too. And a less expensive cost of living, so you can really afford three cows. The Borg : We have 2,765,893,452 cows, resistance is futile mootile. The Daleks : Your two cows will be EX-TER-MIN-ATED! The Daleks 2 : You have two cows. A megalomaniac alien attempts to merge his DNA with one of them to create a new species of Dalek-Cow. The other cow is wearing a pinstriped suit, trainers, thick black-rimmed glasses and has a nervous breakdown when the first Dalek-Cow is killed. The Klingons : You have two cows. They are not honourable; you kill them and eat their meat. You buy one Trogg. The United Federation of Planets : You have two cows. They have no use because you have a replicator, and so does everybody else. You and your cows live out your lives until you eventually die and cannot be resuscitated. The United Federation of Planets (Enterprise version) : You have two perfectly groomed cows, but the milk they give is terrible, so you keep buying more cows on credit until your farm gets repossessed. Then you complain about how nobody appreciates the small farmer anymore. The United Federation of Planets (Voyager version) : Your entire farm is transported to the other side of the galaxy along with your hated neighbour’s property. You are forced to band together to form a new life. After a few years you waste all of your money acquiring the prize heifer from the state fair, who sits around doing nothing but has *enormous* udders. By the end you are begging for the sweet release of death. The United Federation of Planets (TNG Version) : You have two cows, but the society you now live in does not value material possessions, so the existence said cows is frowned upon by everyone you know. One day the borg/romulans/whatever attack the small outpost where you live and your cows are killed in the firefight. You appeal to the Federation but its now corrupt and filled with beaurocracy. A ship is finally sent to defend you about 3 weeks after the aforementioned enemy has left. They have a winge about the terrible tragedy that took place then leave. Life goes on as normal. The ViewAskewniverse: You have two cows. Both of them are slackers and low-level drug dealers. One of them swears almost constantly, the other rarely says a word except to offer some occasional profound wisdom. Everyone around them seems uncommonly fond of intricately-constructed scatological dick jokes, long smartass conversations about trivial things and Star Wars. The X-Files: The two cows are out there! Star Wars Universe : You have two cows. Both are children of a bull who turned to the dark side (whatever that means, since he was all black to begin with.) One of them saves the universe and the other one hooks up with a cocky pilot. Quentin Tarantino Universe: Your cow kills its husband. Your other cow opens a box. You have two cows. U.S. circa 2005 : You have two cows. The government takes your cows, gives you an IOU, and then encourages you to invest the resulting cash in publicly traded cow shares to make you part of the ownership society. Also, the cows cannot marry. Zimbabwe : You have two cows, they do not vote for you but you still win. You kill your cows. Zimbabwe 2 : You have two million very small cows. Zerg : You have two cows. They immedeately rush your enemy's base. Rwanda-Burundi : You have two tribes of cows, one is much bigger then the other, and the smaller looks slightly prettier. Belgians come and put the smaller tribe in charge of everything, this pisses off bigger tribe of cows . Then the Belgians leave and the bigger tribe of cows try to kill off the other cows. The UN pretends not to notice. Someone makes a movie about it starring the black guy from Ocean's Eleven. Ecuador : You have two cows. One murders the other then robs you. You report the cow to the police but they don't believe you. You have no cows or stuff.
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