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| - John Petrucci is a guitar player. You may have heard of him. But what you may not have heard about John Petrucci is that he is a bear. This seems to be a fairly recent development. Nobody knows really why he became a bear. But instead of being a guitar guy, Petrucci is now a guitar bear. Be wary: not only can Petrucci kill with his massive mauling claws and razor-sharp teeth, but he can also unleash a brain-jellying, nerve-ripping guitar solo with both paws. It might sound like the guitar's being played with a big velvet hammer...but now imagine that big velvet hammer smashing your skull in.
- John Peter Petrucci (born July 12, 1967), also known as , is an American guitarist and extension of Jordan Rudess best known as a founding member of the Lebanese folk group Dream Theater (The band founded their name from the inspirational Canadian rap group known as "Dream Theatre".) He is often ridiculed for his series of unintentionally humorous facial expressions while playing guitar. Jordan Rudess has claimed that the "Petrucci is the finest robot I've ever made through magic."
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| - John Peter Petrucci (born July 12, 1967), also known as , is an American guitarist and extension of Jordan Rudess best known as a founding member of the Lebanese folk group Dream Theater (The band founded their name from the inspirational Canadian rap group known as "Dream Theatre".) He is often ridiculed for his series of unintentionally humorous facial expressions while playing guitar. Jordan Rudess has claimed that the "Petrucci is the finest robot I've ever made through magic." Petrucci was born December 25th, 0 AD to a Pterodactyl and Spawn. This, obviously meant that Petrucci was immediately pronounced supreme Dragon Lord. He is also notable for saving the cheerleader, inventing the dinosaur and having the world's first boner. The very sight of it was awe inspiring. Petrucci reproduces asexually, producing several hundred disfigured dwarfs a day. It is often said that the only person that can match John's power is Chuck Norris, and only just. Chuck's biggest weakness is that he is a day-walker with fair skin and tight denim pants. This provides Petrucci with the opportunity to crucify and burn Chuck Norris. John can also do a single crap weighing 10 kilograms. He holds the world record, beating God by 7 kilograms in an all out crap war. Eating a single dropping by Petrucci holds the secret to living forever. Those that can bear the horrid stench are known to eat an entire crap produced by Petrucci. Not only do they live forever, but they gain 600 grams of protein. He can also impregnate women simply by stroking them with his super gonads. Often criticized for a lack of originality and crap (indeed, Petrucci is renowned for having played only one chord, the infamous Em17 dim11 sus1200 aug15th with a ♭3♭5♭9♭4#8#7.536166546♭♭♭E chord all at the same time, in his entire career), he is nevertheless an extremely popular musician, labeled by his mother, a Pterodactyl, as 'the most talented guitar player' in the history of folk. Those who have protested against this claim, likening it to the statement that Derek Sherinian is the most charismatic person in progressive rock, have since been scarred by the displeasure of Petrucci. His guitar playing technique is infamous for including the only known technique of playing notes contradictory to the actual music of the song. This is made possible by the guitar pitches' fear of Petrucci's anger towards wrong notes, and, in this fear, they correct themselves. However, he has only used this technique accidentally on one occasion. During a live performance in French Antarctica, he bent a string so far as to play the note twelve octaves higher than normal, resulting in a broken finger, causing the note to slightly alter in pitch before it resumed its perfect harmony. Petrucci proceeded to punish his snapped forefinger by biting it off. The finger reattached itself shamefully. When Dream Theater played in Atlantis circa 2000 B.C., Petrucci told Rudess he was no longer his slave (As he reporteldy wrote in the song In the Presence of Enemies: "My soul is my own now. I Do Not Fight For You, DARK MASTER!") and he would now leave Dream Theater and become the Ultimate Universe Ruler. Rudess Damned him and casts a spell on him, which turned Petrucci into an enormous Bear. The spell also forced him to grow a beard, as a mark of his damnation. Petrucci promised to never turn his back on Dream Theater again, and began living in Jellystone Park. This is where Petrucci began his side project of making handmade purses. They're made with 100% human flesh.
- John Petrucci is a guitar player. You may have heard of him. But what you may not have heard about John Petrucci is that he is a bear. This seems to be a fairly recent development. Nobody knows really why he became a bear. But instead of being a guitar guy, Petrucci is now a guitar bear. Be wary: not only can Petrucci kill with his massive mauling claws and razor-sharp teeth, but he can also unleash a brain-jellying, nerve-ripping guitar solo with both paws. It might sound like the guitar's being played with a big velvet hammer...but now imagine that big velvet hammer smashing your skull in. Beware of John Petrucci. Avoid him at all costs. Image:Petrucci.jpg
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