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| - Carl: Nineteen eighty seven, what the (bleep) is going on? Not a whole lot. This wasn't a good year for the pop charts, and this list is an indication. Sure there were some big eighties' hits, but this list is just (bleep). If you thought the eighties were about day-glo fashion and big hair, just expect a lot less Love Handel and a lot more Albert. Carl: Now here's a forgotten memory. (screen shows Candace, Stacy, and Jenny singing "Funky Town") Carl: No, not this. You know what this is, this is "Funky Town", a hit by the one-hit-wonder Candace and the Candettes. This wasn't one of my favorite songs, but it was a song that earned its place in pop culture history because it was one of the most maddening catchy songs written in history. All you have to do is listen to it for a couple of seconds and you know you'll have it stuck in your head for the rest of the week. You can thank me for that. Part of the reason why it's so catchy is because of its sense of restraint, it's sung by an impossibly controlled group, and its accented with its memorable keyboard hook. Di-di-di-di-di, di-di-di-di-di. So yeah, I can't think of a quicker way to ruin the song than pumping it up like it's on steroids! Jeremy and the Incidentials: (starts playing guitars and destroying "Funky Town") Carl: Yes, this fine band with the overenthusiastic key-tar player is the Danville band "Jeremy and the Incidentials", and they are basically a poor, poor man's version of Love Handel. Like I said, I wasn't a huge fan of the original, but at least it worked better as a disco song than a rockin' eighties tune, specifically by a band who let their keytarist pick the single most awful blaring preset on their Casio! Coltrane: (plays a very bad note on his keyboard-guitar) Carl: When your one hit is covering someone else's one hit, you've taken the lameness of being a one hit wonder and multiplied it exponentially. At least some one-hit wonders can claim that they've covered someone cool like Ferb Fletcher, or Stacy Hirano. But Jeremy and the Incidentials only claim to fame is covering "Funky Town". Badly. (shudders) Carl: Jeremy and the Incidentials. A one hit wonder without the wonder. Good riddance. Carl: (referring to Coltrane and being sarcastic) It was nineteen eighty-seven, and the world belonged to Coltrane. Coltrane: (starts singing a sappy love song) Carl: (still being sarcastic) Coltrane-mania was in full effect! You couldn't miss him. There were Coltrane t-shirts and backpacks everywhere. Girls ran screaming for Coltrane every time he stepped out in public..........Or at least that's what I thought because this song was EVERYWHERE! This song was NUMBER THREE on the pop charts in nineteen eighty-seven. Higher than Michael Jackson, higher than Madonna, higher than Irving, and Phineas, Albert, Stacy, Candace, Isabella, higher than ALL those people! And that's astonishing to me because I'VE never heard this song? Have you? Coltrane: (in the sappy love song) Girl, I've been missing you... Carl: I've been missing you! (gags himself with a spoon) Coltrane: Eenie meenie miney mo... Carl: Oh, no, Fletcher flashbacks! AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAH! Carl: This is what happens when snore-ballads are written by people who probably spent the entire eighties wearing Phineas sweaters. Seriously, "shake you down"? I get "love you down", "lay you down", "rub you down", maybe, but "shake it down"? I might have not known what Coltrane meant when he said "break you down", but I DO know what "shaking someone down" means. A "shake down" is extorsion. Coltrane is threatening to MUG you. Carl: I have a question. How do you take a band like this...... Buford: (plays a guitar solo) Carl:...And then get them to spend more than a decade doing this? Albert: (singing) You're the feeling in my life, you're the inspiration... Carl: I have no idea. But while I can tolerate sappy love songs, I cannot STAND Danville. If they had ten hits in nineteen eighty-seven, I would have put them all on this episode. They only had one, so that's why I'm ranting on it. (the beginning of "Will You Still Love Me" by Chicago starts playing) Carl: (referring to Django, Buford, and Irving) Danville are the Pennyfront of the eighties. It wasn't just that they were bad, it was also that they maintained an unblemished and consisted track record of being completely awful yet being completely successful from the very beginning of the decade to the very end. This was off their EIGHTEENTH album. Other bands might have had smellier (bleep), but no one had more of it. Nineteen eighty-seven finds (bleep)-Ville very deep in their suck period. But it also finds a very uncertain point in their history. They were still reeling from the loss of their lead singer, Albert, and they were still struggling to answer a very important question: Could they still suck without Albert? Well, through hard work and perserverance, they proved that they could suck harder than ever. They had not even BEGUN to suck. They were going to suck all night and suck everyday. Django: (singing) But I can't go on..... Carl: But go on, they did. They continued to stink up the joint all through the eighties and even into the early nineties, forever staining the namesake of their hometown. Seriously, the poor city already has to deal with Heinz Doofenshmirtz, Ferb shipping wars, and the horrible, still lingering infestation of Stacy fanboys! (a picture of Gurgy pops up) Hasn't that city suffered enough? Heinz: (singing) Ballering girl, you are so lovely..... Carl: See, that's the problem with this list. Most of the worst songs of the year aren't hilarious or wacky; they're just dull as (bleep). This is a father-daughter song, but it's so saccharine and slow and boring that it makes "Butterfly Kisses" sound like "Summer Belongs to You". I realize that there's a place for quieter songs, but this song is so slow, I think the tempo's written in negative numbers. Carl: Besides, Heinz Doofenshmirtz wasn't that exciting of a singer to begin with. The big hit from that album was "Dancing on the Ceiling", his "party" song. (sarcastically) Woo, ain't no party like a Heinz Doofenshmirtz party. Heinz: I'm never gonna break your heart..... Carl: Wait a minute, if this is a father-daughter song, that means Heinz wrote this for Candace-Flynn-BFF-slash-tabloid-magnet-slash-worthless-human-being Vanessa Doofenshmirtz! Does that make this song utterly hilarious in hindsight? Oh, you better believe it! Heinz: Ballerina girl, you are so lovely... (while he sings, images of an anorexic-looking Vanessa on the beach and posing for inappropriate pictures with Candace pops up) Carl: They grow up so fast. Okay, let's move on before I fall asleep. Isabella: (singing off key) Head to toe, I know... Carl: OH GOD, I HATE IT~! I'll be honest, this song is on the list based on those first few seconds. Isabella: Head to toe, I know.... Carl: Ugh, terrible.... Isabella: Oooh, baby, I think I love you from head to toe..... Carl: Not that the rest of the song is any better. I have no idea why Isabella is considered a popstar. Carl: Their production team calls Izzy Izzy and the PhinFerb forceful in performance, considering that everything I've ever heard from them is painfully weak and completely lacking in force....Well, except for this. Isabella: Head to toe, I know... Carl: Yeah, that bad singing and bad synth is painfully forceful. Carl: Isabella supposedly comes from a Latin hip-hop group, but I don't hear it. I hear a chipper fame reject doing a bad Candace Flynn impression. Carl: What bothers me the most about this is that people are comparing this to CANDACE FLYNN! Candace Flynn? Seriously? How!? How does this sound like Candace Flynn!? Isabella: (sings the song Carl is hating on) Candace, Stacy, and Jenny: (sing "You're Goin Down") Carl: Oh, this DOES sound like Candace Flynn. Except for the tight musicianship and the soulful singing. Carl: Why would I listen to Izzy Izzy and the PhinFerb when I could listen to the Phin... Phineas: A-G-L-E-T... Carl: ...Or the Ferb? Ferb: Phineas and Ferb in the backyard beach... Isabella: I think I love you from head to toe... Carl: Oh god, make it stop! Phineas: (sings a sappy love song) Carl: Judging by this list, you might have guessed that I would put the slow, easy-listening song "In Too Deep" on it. But no, I actually kind of like "In Too Deep". In fact, I think it's one of the most moving pop songs of the 1980s. It's about monogamy and commitment. (screen shows Stacy wearing inappropriate clothes and dancing suggestively while Carl continues talking) This song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Albert: Candace, get down on your knees, so Stacy can see your (bleep). Carl: No, instead of going with the soft sappy song, I chose the edgy angry piece. Pfft, what kind of critic am I? Phineas: (singing angrily) 'Cause tonight, tonight, tonight.... Carl: (angrily) I'll tell you what kind of critic, the kind that hates "Tonight Tonight Tonight" by PFT! This song was about heroin addiction, I think, but if they intended on making a song as pleasant as heroin withdrawal, then they succeeded. Most of the songs on this list are bland, but THIS goes in the opposite direction. I cannot believe the same public who put Vanessa Doofenshmirtz and Baljeet on the pop charts also wanted to hear this crushing, unpleasant song and its highly questionable lyrics! Phineas: (singing) I'm going down, going down, like a monkey... Carl: What!? "Going down like a monkey"? Do monkeys "go down"?.......How do you know that? Phineas: 'Cause tonight, tonight, tonight..... Ballpit kid: Get off the stage, Phineas Flynn! Jeremy and the Incidentials: Candace, Candace... Carl: Jeremy and the Incidentials are one of the most cheesiest bands of the eighties. Their lead singer's name was named JEREMY JOHNSON, for Pete's sake. Even Irving was laughing at them. Carl: (referring to Jeremy and his band's awful song) This is HUMILIATING to listen to. This is completely and utterly useless. Even if you have a girlfriend named Candace, you can't sing this to her. IT'S A BREAK UP SONG! Well, you can try, but I don't think it will go over very well. Jeremy and the Incidentials: (sings that Candace song. While they sing, Carl displays a movie named "Candace". In the movie, Stacy is having a party until the lights suddenly shut off and the doors lock. Then a blood-stained Candace rises from the ground and everyone starts freaking out) Carl: They're all going to laugh at you, Jeremy and the Incidentials, and they should. Carl: I don't hate everything from the soft-rock genre, but I have a line. Back to my original question, who turned this... Buford: (plays a guitar solo) Carl:...Into this? Albert, Django, Irving, and Buford: You're the feeling in my life, you're the inspiration... Carl: (in an angry voice) THIS GUY! Carl: Albert is one of the most evil people in the universe, along with Suzy Johnson, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and the guy who started the Finkies and Speckies war. Albert is a war criminal. Albert made the stock market crash. Albert killed my dog. Stacy: (singing) Like I wanted to before... Carl: Apparently, Albert was also afraid that he wasn't going to be able to suck his heart out without Danville, so he actually recruited a contemporary Christian singer to duet with him, a move SO EVIL that I cannot believe that Perry the Platypus never showed up to assassinate him! Stacy and Albert: Next time I fall in love, I'll know better what to do. Next time I fall in love, whoo-ooo-ooh! Carl's annotation: Whoo-ooo-ooh (???) Carl: And...what else am I supposed to say about this? It's bland, it's boring. Here is a list of synonyms of the word "boring". (displays a list of synonyms that mean "boring") That's all I have to say about this. It's just a beige avalanche covering you in suck. Stacy and Albert: Next time I fall in love, it will be with you.... Carl: And with that, I think we exhausted our supply of bad cheesy soft-rock from the eighties. Not promising that the rest of the list is any good, but at the very least, it'll be at a more animated level of bad. Thank God, let's get to it. Jeremy: (singing) Nothing's gonna change my love for you... Carl: (banging his head on his piano) I hate this list. I hate this list. I hate this list so (bleep) much, it's such a stupid idea! I hate this list! Jeremy: (singing) If I had to live my life without you near me... Carl: This song makes my skin crawl. My mother LOVES it. Carl: For those of you who don't know, Jeremy Johnson is a teenage boy who was sixteen when he won a local radio contest, cut a record deal, and out of nowhere, got big. And you can tell, this wasn't a record intended for grown men because EVERYTHING about this song screams "I was meant to be seen by a few friends and family and that's it". Carl: And of course, the lameness of this song is augmented by what has the be the saddest, sorriest excuse for a music video ever witnessed by man. (shows Jeremy and Candace walking on a beach) I'm not sure if they used the kareoke video for this instead. You've got to give them credit for making a video that looks exactly like an ad for the compilation CD that this inevitably ended up on. (names of sappy love songs fill the screen) Order now, and get all these classics today! Carl: Jeremy had one other hit, a duet with the freaking Regurgitator, off all people, and then he disappeared and the world did its best to forget that he existed. Carl: But now. we've cleared out all the boring ones, right? That's got to be it. There is no way that I can top that for bad easy-listening (bleep). There's no way! We're done, right?..................................Prepare yourselves............. Carl: There are some acts that are popular, but they don't go on the pop charts. Heinz Doofenshmirtz does not have any pop hits. The Fireside Girls do not have any pop hits. And it's not like those acts are unpopular, they just don't end up on the pop charts. If you saw them there, then you would go, "Wha? What?" It wouldn't happen! It COULDN'T happen...it..... just...couldn't...happen! Irving: (starts playing a saxaphone and walking around Danville) Carl: Oh, no. NO WAY. I refuse to believe that the general public of nineteen eighty-seven put actual, literal elevator music on the pop charts. No, no, no, no, NO! Nineteen eighty-seven, you have gone TOO FAR! Carl: I legitimately didn't believe that Irving had pop hits. I knew who he was, I knew my parents bought the "Irving Christmas Album", probably as an attempt to stop me from getting too excited over Christmas, but I didn't know this song was popular! On the radio, with a music video!? Why would ANYONE want to watch this!? It's bad enough to listen to! Carl: There are no lyrics! He's just playing his saxaphone! Screw this, I'm coming up with my own lyrics! (starts singing) Irving, he's a stupid-looking guy. And he plays his (bleep) saxaphone, it makes me want to die. He can play----(stops singing) OH, WHY AM I LISTENING TO FREAKING IRVING FOR!? WHY AM I DOING THIS? GOSH, MAKE IT (BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)! Carl: There you have it. Nineteen eighty seven. The year that brought you Irving. Screw this year, screw this entire overrated decade, I'm out. (episode ends)
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