| abstract
| - Carl: Right now, there are two songs on the radio about inspiration. One by the artsy, creative singer whose songs I wished I liked a lot more, and one by the stupid, obnoxious singer whose songs I wished I liked a whole lot less. Carl: "Firework" was made for the insecure girls of the world. Based on the mildly chubby girl in the music video, this song hits girls who worry about their weight close to home. Let's see. Hey, Stacy! Stacy: Yes? Carl: You look fat. Stacy:..........Excuse me? Carl: Now see as this poor young girl gets her feelings hurt because someone made one comment about her body. Stacy: (looks annoyed) Carl, get some help. (walks away) Carl: Now see as she runs away, probably to go bawl into her diary and chuck down some ice cream. Carl: I don't think Candace gets what this song is about. Candace: Do you ever feel like a plastic bag... Carl: Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Candace Flynn does. Because she's plastic. And she's a bag. BOOM! Carl: I kinda don't like these metaphors Candace is using. Candace: Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin... Carl: (being sarcastic) No, I've never felt thin because I don't have your perfect body, Candace Flynn! (cries) Carl: So, what's the message of this song? Candace: Baby you're a firework, come and show them what you're worth... Carl: So you're telling people that they're going to explode!? What is this? Suicide bombers!? This is a terrible metaphor! And also, you're telling people that they are going to be pretty colors forgotten by the audience two minutes later. A better metaphor would have been "baby, you're a firewood". (singing and playing piano) Baby you're a firewood, you make my s'mores so really good...oh my gosh, I have to write this! (writes lyrics on a piece of paper) Carl's annotation: Watch out, Albert! Carl: Now let's listen to "Born This Way" by Lady Suzy. It is the most boring and obvious song she's ever written. Suzy: I'm beautiful in my way, cause God makes no mistakes, I'm on the right track baby, I was born this way... Carl: God DOES make mistakes, Suzy. This guy, for example, was a mistake, and he was probably born that way. Carl: But unlike "Firework", "Born This Way" seems to be targeted to a certain kind of group. Suzy: Just put your paws out, baby... Carl: Furries. (a picture of Ducky Momo pops up). Also gay people. Carl: Come to think of this, Suzy's song is kind of exclusive. I mean, no offense, gay people, but the rest of us have some insecurities, too. But at least there's one verse that I can relate to. Suzy: You're black white beige chola descent, you're Lebanese, you're Orient... Carl: (being sarcastic) That's right, I am ALL of these things! Carl's annotation: As far as you know. Carl: (still being sarcastic) Let me break some stereotypes right now! I've never been in jail, I'm not a dumb blonde, I don't speak Spanish, and I don't care about my grades! Carl: I would probably pick "Firework" over "Born This Way". You wanna know why? This is what Candace Flynn sounds like outside the recording studio. Candace: (singing extremely off key) We used to be just like twins, so in sync... Carl: I like Candace's productions, always have. They can turn that horrible voice into something decent to my ears and the music is great. But for Suzy, this production is TERRIBLE. It's like when there should be one second of silence, the producer's like, "NO! There needs to be constant noise! Machine guns, platypuses! We need a bunch of bleeping and blooping over the mix, under the mix, between the mix! NOISE, MORE NOISE!" Fadhil: And I want an army of didgeridoos. AgentGoldfish: Ten thousand didgeridoos! Carl: The video for "Born This Way" is as hilariously bad as everyone expected. Suzy: (in the video) The birth of the mitosis was not finite, it was infinite. Carl: (sarcastically) This is so interesting! Suzy: (says things that don't make any sense) Inspector Initials: (Says random things as eerie music starts playing) Carl: I don't think Suzy and Candace get what they're saying in their songs. Vanessa Doofenshmirtz has a song like this called (bleep)ing Perfect. I didn't include it in this episode because it's dull as dog (bleep). But Vanessa knows what she's talking about. VANESSA gets it. Vanessa: Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel, like your life is (bleep)ing perfect... Carl: Candace does not. Candace: Do you ever feel like a plastic bag... Carl: (sarcastically) Yes, I have felt like a plastic bag. Candace has, apparently. Carl: But I think this a step in the right direction for both artists. Maybe they will write more inspiring songs in the future. Candace: Boy, you're an alien, your touch so foreign... Suzy: But Judas is the demon I cling to... Carl: Oh, right. They both wrote songs about dating boinking monsters, so never mind! (episode ends)
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