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| - Yoa: ... And, like the alien said, 'go to the Blotch! The Blotch knows,' so I, like, left my husband and came out here to commune with the Blotch! Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer: The Blotch knows... The Blotch knows! Anchor: What exactly does "the Blotch" know? Yoa: Um... The future? I dunno (coughs). It's, eh, really hard to make out, you know? Yoa: Yeah, he does that sometimes. Producer: Hey, got bad news: YOU'RE FIRED! (pause, laughs obnoxiously) Gotcha! No, you're not fired, but you will be unless you liven up the show! Alexi Aaronovich: Submissions for next week's show! Zim: He lies!
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| abstract
| - Yoa: ... And, like the alien said, 'go to the Blotch! The Blotch knows,' so I, like, left my husband and came out here to commune with the Blotch! Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer: The Blotch knows... The Blotch knows! Anchor: What exactly does "the Blotch" know? Yoa: Um... The future? I dunno (coughs). It's, eh, really hard to make out, you know? Yoa: Yeah, he does that sometimes. Producer: Hey, got bad news: YOU'RE FIRED! (pause, laughs obnoxiously) Gotcha! No, you're not fired, but you will be unless you liven up the show! Alexi Aaronovich: Submissions for next week's show! Anchor: There has to be something good here! Anchor: An unusually fat baby? No. Anchor: Angry mutant beef jerky... No! Anchor: D'oh, it's hopeless! Alexi Aaronovich: Well, there's always that stuff that crazy Dib kid keeps sending in. Anchor: No. No! Not after what happened that last time... Anchor: "Pigfoot"?! Oh, this is ridiculous! Anchor: It's got to be better than Pigfoot. Anchor: Get the van! Anchor: I think we got something! Anchor's voice: Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery! Anchor: Now, harder-hitting... Anchor: ...faster-paced... Anchor: ...and even more... mysterious! Anchor: Are we alone in the universe? Anchor: Tonight we'll show you some intriguing video that may just answer that vexing question! Dib's voice: Look, Gaz! You're my witness! He is an alien! I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it! Anchor: Thanks to a horribly large-headed boy named Dib, we have a new piece in the puzzle that is the search for alien life! I set out to investigate... Anchor: Kids play without fear in the streets of this humble hamlet. In fact, it's the kind of place where you don't even have to lock the door. Gaz: Who are you!?! Get out of my house! Dib: Oh, wow! You're here! I knew one day you'd come! I knew it! Anchor (voice over): Young Dib has been chronicling the paranormal nearly all of his brief life. Anchor (voice over): So, when a green kid claiming to be a human boy with a skin condition (A new photo replaces the last one. It shows Zim sitting alone at a table in the cafeteria with a tray of food) entered his classroom, he says (A new photo appears showing Zim dragging GIR (in disguise) along the sidewalk) he was prepared. Dib: Look at him. He's so... green. Anchor: Help us. Clear up what happened that night. Dib (voice over): I was monitoring some of the higher-frequency radio waves... Dib (voice over): ...when I picked up on an alien distress signal! So I went out with Gaz. Dib (voice over): She's kinda my sidekick. Dib actor: We are close now! I feel it in my brain! Gaz actress (in a very un-Gaz-like Valley-Girl voice): Oh, golly! What is that? Dib actor: Stay back, Gaz! Dib actor: Look, Gaz! You are my witness! He is an alien! I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it! Dib (voice over): He tried to wrestle the video away from me, but I was too much for him! Gaz actress: Dib! The glow! Anchor: Aliens? That's quite a claim! Are you prepared to defend it? Dib: I think my video speaks for itself. Anchor: This young man denies your accusation! Dib: What's he doing here!?! He's the alien! Zim: I came to put a stop to all your alien talk! Zim: When will the lies end!?! Anchor: Well, Zim. I guess my first question is... are you an alien!?! Zim: LIES!!! The filthy Earth boy lies!!! I mean, no. Anchor: Well, what about the video? Zim (voice over): I was out playing... Zim (voice over): ...like any normal Earth larva, when he came looking for trouble! Dib actor: Hey new kid! Give me your lunch moneys! Zim actor (speaking with strong British accent): But I need these moneys to buy nutrients! Dib actor: Give me the moneys or I'll tell everyone you're an alien! Zim actor: Leave me alone! I just want to play! Dib actor: Fine! Dib actor: Look, Gaz! You are my witness! He is an alien! Dib actor: I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it! Zim actor: Boo hoo hoo hoo! Dib: That didn't happen! Zim: He lies! Anchor: Calm down, you two! Dib: You'll never get away with this! Zim: Silence, you tiny brain... head! Dib: What about that glowing thing? Look at it! That's no human glow. Anchor: We asked an expert. Membrane: Possibly a weather balloon. Or swamp gas. Dib: Swamp Gas? Zim: He's crazy. Ask anyone in our class. Zita: Dib, yeah, um... He's pretty crazy. Rob: He told me my daddy was a Yeti. My daddy's not a yeti... (begins sobbing, covering his face) He's not a Yeti! Student 3: What's up with his head? Anchor: Well, Dib, I guess the question for you is: Are you crazy? Dib: Of course they say I'm crazy! That's what they always say about visionaries. Dib: What's he doing? What are you doing? Calling your space friends? Zim: Nonsense! It's my medication. Anchor: Come on boys, this is national TV. Some peoples' jobs are on the line. Dib: This is insane! You've got to talk to my sister. She saw the whole thing. Anchor (VO): Zim: Tormented child with a skin condition, or scheming demon from the stars? Dib: Misunderstood visionary, or raving lunatic? Perhaps only this little girl knows. Excuse me... Gaz: Go away! Anchor (spitting out dirt): I wanted to ask you a few questions about your brother. Maybe you can us straight on the whole craziness issue. Anchor: Gaz, after what you saw, do you believe that your brother got proof of intelligent extraterrestrial life? Gaz: Intelligent? No. My stupid brother did drag me out to look for stupid Zim. He didn't make that part up. Zim and Dib: Huh, huh, shiny... Zim: Duh? Dib: Look, Gaz. He is an alien. I have him on tape; I have you on tape witnessing it. Duh... Anchor: Huh? Oh. It looks like we will never know what really happened that night. I'd like to thank you all for watching what will almost certainly be the final episode of Mysterious Mysteries. Anchor: Uh, it seems we have a surprise witness who was there, and claims to know the truth. Dib (OS): But he works for the alien! Anchor: Restrain him! Anchor: Now, what can you tell us about Dib? GIR: Dib's all mean to my master. He's not nice to Zim! I've seen it. Dib is bad. Hee, hee! Anchor: And about the night in question? GIR: I was a chubby lady hiding in the bushes. Anchor: Uh huh. And what about Dib? GIR: I'm on TV! Anchor: Yes. Then what happened? GIR: That's when a giant squirrel showed up. Zim: GIR! Anchor: Let her talk! Can't you see she's upset? Now, don't you mean Dib showed up? GIR: No, the squirrel showed up first, then Dib showed up. Dib: Oh, man! What is that thing!? GIR: And then, the squirrel ate Dib's greasy head. GIR: And then the squirrel flew away. GIR: After that, he went back to his home planet to fight all the bad guys. Anchor: What does that have to do with anything? GIR: Me and the squirrel are friends. Anchor: I'm so fired. Well, the only conclusion I can come to is that Dib is crazy. Anchor: This one here: definitely crazy. I feel bad for the ugly green kid, but there's a decent chance he's crazy, too. Zim: But, not an alien. Anchor: No. Zim: Okay. Anchor: Just crazy. Anchor: Nothing matters anymore. Maybe I'm crazy. Anchor: We're so cancelled. Producer: I think this is the best work you've done. Crazy get's good ratings! Give me more like it!
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