| abstract
| - "What am I to do?" he opined "I find that occasionally I have cause to eat and it is in my nature, for I am a tortoise, to utilise a table for these purposes. However, for want of a bucket of water my last table was reduced to tinder!" The wise and kindly proprietor replied "Perhaps sir would be interested in our purchase one and buy a second for a significantly reduced price offer where the purchase of a single table would entitle one to purchase a second at a significantly reduced price?". The tortoise agreed that this seemed a most beneficial idea, giving the customer significant incentive to spend more money, thus allowing the proprietor to build better tables and partake of meat products that cycle of the moon. The tortoise was in the process of reaching into his shell for his money when a libellous hare rode past on his way to Athens. The slanderous hare called out to the tortoise "Don't buy any of his tables mate, it's a con, I bought one and all the legs fell off, then when I tried to return it he refused unless I provided proof of purchase on a small bit of paper." The honest proprietor was deeply hurt by this slanderous remark and called the Hare a "Liar" and recommended he engage in sexual relations with himself before the next time he passed that way. The hare made a rude gesture at the honourable proprietor and rode on. The tortoise, who was not a wise tortoise, was disturbed by this slanderous libel and became reluctant to purchase the competitively priced Oak veneer end table and matching table-that-goes-by-a-bed. The tortoise demanded a guarantee that if he was not satisfied with his purchase he could return it without any enquiries being put forth by the proprietor. The virtuous proprietor had made very little money that month so agreed to the tortoise's harsh and wholly unreasonable conditions. A sale was completed and all parties departed that evening satisfied with the events of the day. That night the foolish tortoise placed a goblet of wine upon the table, at which point all four legs fell off and spontaneously caught fire. The tortoise, who was not a wise man, but was rich and powerful had somehow managed to damage the perfect creation sold to him by the humble proprietor. The tortoise returned to the remarkable proprietor the next day, the patient proprietor was shocked and saddened by the tortoise's accusations that the table was "Shit" and that he himself was the son of a woman of limited virtue. The argument became heated and the tortoise was accidentally beaten up by four large men that the frail proprietor had hired for his own protection. Shortly after this the tortoise agreed that he had probably sawed the table's legs off himself and departed for home with his head nailed to a rather handsome display table. In this way the tortoise learned that the forthright proprietor was not a "Shit pedlar" but was just trying to make his way in the world, in future the tortoise always treated others with respect and dignity and in this way he became an infinitely better person, he also got a free table.
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