| abstract
| - The Bobogoobo-Anrise Republic Pact, for short, also known simply as the Pact, is a cooperative concord between Bobogoobo and the Anrise Republic. It was written by Rychro Anrise at the request of Robert O'Goobo XXIV, slightly edited by O'Goobo (with the following introduction added by him), and signed on June 7, 2011. The relationship between the rulers has persisted for centuries despite numerous battles, feuds, deaths, resurrections, canonifications, zombifications, apocalypses, sacrifices, openings of hell-gates, and conversations, and as a result, O'Goobo at one point decreed a pregnant woman's child to be the messenger from himself to Rychro Anrise, and when the child was born, he was branded with the seal of the Anrise Republic, a flying gun; however, the mother soon died when she went into the woods after being told by an angel that she was to be the mother of a demon and jumped into a well, which happened to be full of water, and so the child thought the symbol was simply some strange birthmark (or he was adopted into a satanic cult when he was a baby; satanic cults are very common in Bobogoobo, although the government is attempting to stop them, after an incident in which the Supreme Ruler's cousin's grandfather's dog's former owner's son's second grade teacher's college professor's mother, who happened to be O'Goobo's mother's granddaughter's sister's cousin's brother, was found dead in a ditch on Route 666 with his face burned off, although the link was not proven because there also was a nuclear test in the area that night and the victim had a slight level of intoxication) and was ignorant of his fate; it turned out that the previously mentioned angel was temporally challenged and had arrived too late to stop the birth of the demon, who was now walking around with the symbol of the Anrise Republic branded on his buttocks (this location was chosen for the symmetry and natural divide it provided to the seal, which has two halves, each of which is eerily buttock-shaped), unaware of each of his fates; O'Goobo eventually remembered his promise to Rychro Anrise and searched for the child, a search which consumed him for many moons, ate his children, and bit off his right ring finger, yet still he pressed on, and finally, he found the child in an abandoned hut on the edge of a pond, where he ate frogs, and took him back to Brinexan Palace, where O'Goobo told him of his true fate (he was not yet aware of the boy's demonic fate), and sent him by carrier pigeon to the Anrise Republic, many millions of miles away; just as Rychro Anrise was growing weary of sitting in his official Chair of Waiting, waiting for eons for some sign of communication from Bobogoobo, the boy, clutched in the claws of the carrier pigeon, crashed into the Anrise Republic's palace's bouncy window (which, coincidentally, was created in a factory by O'Goobo seventieth cousin eleven times removed, who later quit his job due to the long hours), and bounced into the moat, which, luckily, was not filled with the traditional alligators, for they were being cleaned; Rychro Anrise immediately sent for one of his servants, whom he instructed to fetch another servant, whom the first servant was to instruct to fetch the moat-cleaner, who would fetch the mysterious window-bouncing boy, and hand him over to the official parcel-giver, who would then transfer the boy to an escalator which went directly to the antechamber of Rychro Anrise's official Balcony of Waiting, which contained his Chair of Waiting, and the boy would then be transferred to Rychro Anrise via moving carpet; these instructions were followed precisely, as was Rychro Anrise's commandment (or else), and the demon-messenger-boy was thus grasped in Rychro Anrise's cold, skeletal hands; the boy, at last, gave to Rychro Anrise the message which Robert O'Goobo XXIV had meant for him to receive eons earlier: "Hello," and was returned to Bobogoobo with the Anrise Republic's official Teleporter of Teleporting, and from there went on to realize his demonic destiny, and consumed Bobogoobo in hellfire; Bobogoobo was, of course, later resurrected once again and the Pact was created. The Pact of the Three Dogs Under a Moonless Night Howling Longingly for the Next Sunrise between the Nations of Bobogoobo and the Anrise Republic, as Decreed by the Autumn Accords of the Bristle and Grist Concord of Yesteryear. This pact, hereby referred to as "the Pact," is a pact of undying unity and fealty between the nations of Bobogoobo and the Anrise Republic. Such unity comes not from mutual interests, common culture, or centuries of indifference, but from the vision of three white dogs howling at a black sky in need of daylight. This vision, despite its unverified nature and potential status as a blatant lie, has been enough to bring these two nations together in a blind spirit of union and mutual oathkeeping the likes of which this world has not seen. While most pacts of this nature concern themselves with silly things as mutual protection and things of that nature, the Pact does not. Instead of mutual protection, there is a promise that on every full moon the peoples of these two different and, at most times, hostile nations will parade in single file to the hill where the three black dogs were howling at the sky. There, deep within that sylvan glen, the peoples of both nations will discard their clothes and enter into a ritualistic session of howling and mock wrestling the likes of which this world has not seen. The Pact, however, goes further than that. While most pacts of this nature concern themselves with silly things as having a logical, beneficial nature, the Pact does not. Instead of logic, there is wrestling. Instead of benefits, there is nude howling. And instead of good taste, there is an almost orgiastic desire to be iconoclastic in a way never before seen by mortal eyes. Gaudy jewelry shall be placed in the hands of the marble statues lining Anrise City, terrible neon-colored slacks will adorn the mannequins within Bobogoobo's great mannequin hall. Kitsch will become the ordinary, and the fads will revolve around dog collars and switchblade knives. Why must there be such an offense delivered to good taste? Because the dogs decreed it to be so on that sunlit evening deep within the cave that they called their home. Most pacts and national decrees do not include such demands, but that's because such pacts are short sighted. Not the Pact, though. The Pact is strong because of its demands on the societies of both nations. Bobogoobos will attend their irreligious masses adorned with the Pact's demanding casual wear, the leather straps that dig in just too deep, while the Anrise Republicans will continue to question why they consider themselves Armenian while forced to drag the fashionable chains from their complicated trousers. But this too is decreed by the four cats who once called the dog mountain their home before things turned East and West as opposed to North and West. The Autumn Accords dictated that the Pact must be written in accordance with the needs of the Yin and Yang Tribunal, a tribunal that saw the meeting of the ambassadors from both Bobogoobo and the Anrise Republic in a forgotten Shaolin temple deep in the Himalayan mountains. Despite being scared, starving, and ceaselessly stalked by large Himalayan mountain goats, the ambassadors decided that once they returned to their respective nations the Pact would be written in commemoration of that most fateful event. As such, the Pact decrees that every fifth Thursday of a given month is to become an international mountain goat hunting day. While the lack of mountain goats in both Bobogoobo and the Anrise Republic has made the holiday all but forgotten despite the fact that it has yet to be introduced, the fifth Thursday has been turned into a universal formal dress day. Now the homeless, the working single mothers, and the women of the night will be forced to don their tuxedos and evening gowns or face the crushing judgment of their peers the likes of which this world has not seen. The Pact will remain unvoidable and unalterable until the Spring and Summer Equinox occur on the fifth second of the sixth day of the seventh month of the eightieth year of the Bobogoobo calendar, because we all know that the Bobogoobos keep odd time. Nevertheless, the Pact demands certain sacrifices from those bound by it in order to retain its unvoidable unalterable goodness. These sacrifices come in the form of the abolishment of door mats, mouse pads, and seat belts. These sacrifices are necessary for the Pact's continued continuance, its becoming being. This is due to the eight eagles of the seven clouds that decreed the fate of man to be necessitated by the continued practice of gaining sexual fulfillment from riding large hogs dressed in complex bondage gear. Most pacts usually have some kind of bullet listing of clauses and co-clauses that detail why the holy hell the pact was made. So, the Pact must act in accordance if not just for the sake of succumbing to peer pressure. Therefore, here are the clauses of the Pact. 1. Dogs and cats must be forced to cohabitate when applicable. The eagle has spoken. 2. Complicated trousers are mandated for everybody in the medical field. If it takes three minutes to undo the fly, that's still not enough. 3. Every night is bondage night. 4. Public acts of affection are considered to be in poor taste unless gratuitous amounts of exposed skin accompany said acts. And even then, only for attractive people. Attractiveness is not in the eye of the beholder, but is determined by a council of judges who will meet on the zig-zag borderline between the nations of Bobogoobo and the Anrise Republic. 5. The eagle has spoken. 6. Nutrition facts must be displayed in alarmingly large print for every article of clothing. 7. The second clause is retroactively nullified and replaced with complicated headwear for construction workers. Death rates amongst construction workers are expected to climb radically after implementation of this clause, but both nations have come to an agreement over their collective indifference. 8. All written literature must contain two versions - the original version, and the version written by Rychro Anrise of the Anrise Republic. This second version is expected to be five times longer but with a fifth of the original meaning. The eagle has spoken. 9. Bobogoobo of Bobogoobo will be named chairman of the council of judges for determining the attractiveness of people committing blatant sexual acts in public. 10. No other nations may co-opt the Pact, or join the Pact, or copy the Pact. This is strictly between the party of the first part and the party of the second part. Considering the Pact has not made any mention of who those parties are, they are by default considered NULL and NULL. And thus the Pact comes to its conclusionary end. Bobogoobo and the Anrise Republic recognize the brave sacrifices made to those mountain men in their skyward home who fought the world snake in its lair in the ether between the here and now. Clause 6 was made in their memory, and it is from that clause that the Pact must conclude itself. The undersigned have given their souls in the service of the eight doglords of the astral plane of yore, giving power and strength to the Pact. - Rychro Anrise, Lord of Holy Lightning and Usurper of Petty Baubles, of the Anrise Republic, for which he was thus named and which was named in his honor. - Bobogoobo, King of Lords and Duke of Earldoms, Sculptor of Inappropriate Visages and Manipulator of Unholy Appendages, of Bobogoobo, which may or may not be consumed in a singularity of oneness and allness.
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