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| - Carl: If I had made a top ten list, then the top five would have looked like this. Buford and Ferb: Shawty is a eenie meenie miney mo lover... Coltrane: (bleep) yousa sexy (bleep), a sexy (bleep).... Ferb: And I got her, grocery bag.... Stacy: Blah, blah, blah, think you'll be getting this? Buford: Chuck-chucking up the deuces... Carl: Number one would have been Buford, surprise. But obviously, I already reviewed those songs and I don't feel like repeating myself. Django: Well, girl, please excuse me if I'm coming to you strong, but tonight is the night that we can really let go... Carl: Really? This guy's still around? Django: Baby I like it, the way you move on the floor, baby I like it, come on and give me some more... Carl: Good for you, Django. I don't. Carl: I saw a lot of observations when I listened to this song, and the first is, and I don't mean to sound offensive, but Django sounds incredibly gay in this. Django: (in a high-pitched voice) Don't stop baby, don't stop baby.... Django: No one can do the things that I want to do to you... Carl: Including Django. He can't do any of those things. He just WANTS to. Carl: But here's where this song REALLY comes apart. Right here. Buford: (rapping) Go DJ, that's my DJ... Carl: In a world with Phinny Boy and PFSC, I wouldn't call Buford the worst rapper, but my god, I've never heard anything out of his mouth that's not an inane non-punchline-punchline, incomprehensible Spanish, or references to other, BETTER rappers! Buford: Tiger Woods plus Jesse James equals Buford all night long... Carl: (sarcastically) Brilliant. When you write a song about spending time away from your girlfriend, please include references to two men whose lives were utterly destroyed because they cheated on their wives, you idiots! Carl: Buford. He makes the good songs go bad and the bad songs get worse. Next! (the beginning notes to "In My Head" start playing) Carl: Now here's a weird little thing. I actually liked this song when I first heard it. R&B song driven by guitar? Awesome. Catchy melody? Awesome. Produced by Phineas and not based on an overused sample? Amazing. I was totally on board with this song. Coltrane: (singing) You'll see a side of love you've never known..... Carl: Three months later, I could not stand it. Not even a little. Coltrane: In my head, I see you all over me... Carl: What was it that I suddenly couldn't stand this song anymore? Coltrane: (singing) Coltrane is awesome! Carl: Ohhhhh, right. Even with the good production, we still have to listen to the mega-talentless man they call Coltrane. Like a lot of artists today, Coltrane's career is dependent entirely on Autotune, but while artists like Phineas and yes, Stacy, use Autotune to enhance their personalities, it only helps Coltrane enhance his lack thereof. Carl: Coltrane has already proved that he sucked at apologies with "Whatcha Say". But apparently, he sucks at pick up lines, too. Over the course of this show, I have come across dozens, hundreds, thousands of bad pick up lines, and I would not dare to sort through them all to pick out the worst. However, telling a girl "I'm totally having dirty thoughts about you right now" has to rank pretty high. Coltrane: In my head, I see you all over me. In my head, you fulfill my fantasy... Carl: "In my head, you fulfill my fantasy" is only a line that attracts women who are obsessed with your constant pathetic loneliness and utter lack of social skills. That's pathetic. Coltrane: Some dudes know all the right things to say, eh, when it comes down to it it's all just game, eh... Carl: So, by implications, ladies, you should get with Coltrane, a man who has never said any of the right things and has no game at all. Carl: Also, one lesson for the guys by Coltrane: If you really want to impress girls, end every line with a confused yelp. Coltrane: Nooooooooo (skips part) Yeahhhhhhhhh (skips part) Ayeeah! Carl: Ayeeah! Carl: (in reference to Coltrane) In the race to replace Buford, Coltrane is in the lead with three singles, a fact that is UTTERLY baffling to me. He can't sing live, I doubt his fans can identify what he even looks like, he sucks, his songs suck, his singing sucks. Ayeeah! Irving: (rapping) Teach me how to dougie, teach-me-teach me how to dougie, teach me how to dougie, teach-me-teach me how to dougie.... Carl: Ah, yes, the Dougie. The dance craze that's sweeping America.......is it? I don't know, I haven't been to a middle school dance in a while, not after they beefed up the security. Carl: The Macarena, the Twist, and the Jive are real dance crazes. The Phinny Boy, the Jerk, and the Stanky Leg are not. Maybe I'm wrong, but let me put it like this. "Teach Me How to Dougie" does not make me want to dance. It certainly doesn't make me want to do the Dougie, or learn how to. Carl: How do I know it's bad? Well, they don't even teach you HOW to do the Dougie. I don't demand that dance songs have the steps involved, but the name of the song is "Teach Me How to Dougie". It fails to deliver in a very serious way. As far as instructions go, this is all you get. Ferb: Put your palms out front, lean side to side, they gon' be on ya when they see you do that Dougie right.... Carl: So, according to this song, as far as I know, this is "doing the Dougie". (puts his hands out in front of him and leans side to side) Come on! There's gotta be more to it than that. ( a video of Phineas, Ferb, and Irving wearing large baggy clothing "demonstrating" the Dougie pops up) Phineas: You ready to make your move? Then you do this. (He, Ferb, and Irving put their hands on their head and start moving around awkwardly) Phineas, Ferb, and Irving: My dougie, my dougie, my dougie, my dougie, fresh, my dougie, fresh, my dougie, fresh, flyer than a mother, dougie. Phineas: Real simple, real easy. Carl: .....That's it? Well, apparently I was wrong. That was it. That was the Dougie. That's not even close to what they said in the song, either! Ferb: Females get stuck to me, I think they try to glue me.... Carl: The entire song is just how many girls you'll get by mastering the Dougie, and that's all you have to do? It doesn't take a lot to impress girls these days, I guess. A little boy: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Jeremy and the Incidentals. Carl: Oh, I'm not going to make any fans for this one.... Jeremy: (singing) All the right friends in all the right places, so yeah, we're going down.... Carl: Jeremy and the Incidentals is one of those bands that either you like them or you don't care about them. Even though they have a lot of hits, they don't attract a lot of attention. In fact, I'm surprised that this is even on the list at all, let alone number three. Carl: All their songs are awfully same-sounding. (screen shows Vanessa singing "Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson) In fact, lead singer Jeremy Johnson writes songs for other popstars, and they always sound exactly the same, sometimes leading to controversy. (a news article that reads "Think Vanessa Doofenshmirtz's "Already Gone" sounds the same as Jenny's "Halo"?) Carl: What made me put "All the Right Moves" on here? One reason: this is one of the only songs on the list, or for that matter, all the songs that I ever reviewed, that I have never voluntarily listened to the entire time through. Think about that. (screen shows Coltrane and Stacy singing "Imma Be") Every other song that I've reviewed, including some that are much worse than this, I've listened to dozens of times. But this song makes me change the station instantly. It's just terrible in a not interesting way. I'm sure people are going to say, "No way! You can't possibly hate this more than "Like a G6" or "OMG", but I do! Absolutely NOTHING about this song is working for me. None of the elements seem to match, I don't know why the drum beat sounds like it's lifted from a PFT song, or why they allowed Johnson to spread his horrible falsetto over the song like so much spoiled mayonnaise. Jeremy: (with emotion) All the right moves, hey..... Carl: Ugh..... Carl: Now, HERE'S something I should have reviewed... Phineas and Ferb:(rapping) My first kiss went a little like this (kissing noise) and twist (kissing noise) and twist. Stacy: (rapping) Well, my first kiss went a little like this (kissing noise) and twist (kissing noise) and twist. Carl: How Phineas and Ferb still have a career is amazing to me. One P&F/Stacy song wasn't disgusting enough, why not go for two!? Carl: If the thought of these two preposterous ten year old douches making kissy noises in your ear doesn't make you wretch, then I don't know, maybe you have a stronger stomach than me, my friends. Phineas and Ferb: My first kiss went a little like this (kissing noise) and twist (kissing noise) and twist.... Annotation: My worst kiss went a little like this. Carl: This is the most unattractive song Phineas and Ferb has ever made. Phineas and Ferb: (rapping) Lips like licorice, tongue like candy, excuse me, miss, but can I get you out your panties? Carl: Ugh........ Phineas and Ferb: (rapping) Your kiss is like whiskey, it makes me drunk, and I wake up in the morning with the taste of your tongue... Carl: (being sarcastic) I love how they felt that they needed to explain that to us, like we couldn't figure it out on our own. Hey, Phineas and Ferb, your lyrics are like spoiled, left in the back of the refrigerator for two months milk. It makes me sick. Phineas and Ferb: If I had it my way, you know that I'd make you say, "oooooooooooh"..... Carl: Well, I'm sure you would if you had it your way. I'm sure lots of things would happen if you had it your way. But you don't, 'cause you're tools and you're ugly. Carl: This song confirms that Phineas and Ferb and Stacy are perfectly made for each other. I hope they somehow have this bizarre three person marriage that never produces any children. Carl: Now before we get to the worst song of the year, I will share my thoughts of some songs that deserve some honorable mentions. Jeremy: I wanna be a billionaire so (bleep)ing bad, buy all of the things I never had... Ferb: (rapping) Buy everything... Carl: I've always had my problems with Ferb and his band PFT, but after listening to this song, it's simply........a love handle. (screen shows Love Handel singing) Carl: Well, at least it rips off Love Handel. Next. Mindy: Uh-oh-oh... Carl: Oh god, Mindy's starting to get on my nerves, especially with that "uh-oh-oh" right there. That just tells you all that's she going to offer for this song. It's going to be cutesy, emotionally unheard, and blandly performed. Do you know what that "uh-oh-oh" reminds me of? Mindy: Uh-oh... Lindana: (singing) Oh! Oh! Oh... Carl: Mindy is 2010's Lindana. Mindy: You made a rebel of a careless' man careful daughter... Carl: The only "rebellious" thing she does in this song is date a high school guy. Considering that she is high school age herself, I fail to see the rebellion. Ferb: Get out the way 'cause I have my crew, crew, crew, crew, I'm in the club so I'm gonna do, do, do, do.... Carl: (laughs sarcastically) He's gonna do-do-do-do.......he's gonna doo-doo..... Ferb: (rapping) And that's when I was rapping for the elevator, but nowadays, we're tryin' to stay relevant... Carl: I thought you were supposed to complain about the pressures of stardom by the second album. Next. Candace: If I die young, bury me in satin... Carl: "If I die young, bury me in satin!?" JESUS, emo much, country music? And I complain about Mindy selling (bleep) teen poetry.... Doof: (rapping) Tone, tan, fit, and ready, turn it up 'cause it's getting heavy..... Carl: I refuse to believe that Heinz Doof wrote his verse for this song. What I believe happened is that they woke him up, dragged him out of bed, tossed him into the studio, and forced him to rap something. Coltrane: The love of my life, my shawty, my wife, she left me, I'm tight.... Carl: (sarcastically) Wow, Coltrane's new song is a tear-jerker. It breaks my heart when Coltrane says, "Aww, aww, hey!" Coltrane: (singing) Aww, aww, hey..... Albert: I am in misery, there ain't nobody that can come between, oh yeah... Carl: In the music video for "Misery", Albert gets the living (bleep) kicked out of him by a girl over and over again. And the amazing thing about it is the more you watch the video, the more you WANT him to get the living (bleep) kicked out of him! Look at that guy. (screen shows Albert singing. Carl shudders) Someone, please run him over with a car. Stacy: (runs Albert over with a car) Carl: Thank you. Okay, let's finish this. (the beginning notes to "Tik Tok" start playing) Stacy: (in a drunken voice onstage) I'm Stacy, and this is "Tik Tok". Carl: (in an evil voice) Hi, Stacy. Stacy: (starts singing "Tik Tok" off key) Stacy: Now the party don't start till I walk in... Carl: Party's over, Stacy's here. And she brought all those ugly Albert guys, too? Carl: But oh god, I wish I had the strength to review another Stacy song because then she released her fourth single, and my brain just collasped. Autotuned Voices: There's a place downtown where the freaks all come around, there's a hole in the wall, it's a dirty free for all... Carl: (groans) Stacy: There's a place I know if you're looking for a show, where they go hardcore and there's glitter on the floor... Carl: I couldn't do it. I couldn't review this song because the episode would have just showed me screaming like Candace the entire time. (screen shows Candace screaming) Stacy: There's a place downtown where the freaks all come around..... Carl: What do you say about that? She's literally taunting you with how awful her music is. That's what that melody is, "nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh, nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh". It's a playground taunt. When I first heard it, I thought she was taunting us for not partying as much as she does. Carl: This song answers a very serious question. What do you do when someone puts this song on? Stacy: Right now... Background Singers: TAKE IT OFF! Stacy: Right now... Background Singers: TAKE IT OFF! Stacy: Right now... Background Singers: TAKE IT OFF! Carl: You take that off RIGHT NOW. Oh God help me, or there will be blood shed. Carl: Stacy's got such a limited personality. She shouldn't have had four singles! She's got five now. God help us all. Let's hope for better music in 2011. (episode ends)
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