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| - 'Twas a sad day for poor Zorro NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Director Martin Campbell has been getting a bit of a reputation as a savior of franchises. NC: (vo) Not only did he revive (cue posters of GoldenEye and Casino Royale) the James Bond movies from total destruction twice, but he also brought the classic (cut to clips from...) Zorro back from the grave in The Mask of Zorro. In a time when everything was CG, explosions and disaster films, this gave us actual stunts, developed characters, comedy, drama, oldcomers, newcomers. It was a reminder of how summer movies were supposed to be done, and, of course, it was a big hit, so big that everyone involved went on to do other things. The spotlight was suddenly on these people, and they didn't want this to be the only thing they were associated with. [beat] (Posters for Original Sin, America's Sweethearts, Spy Kids 3D: Game Over, The Haunting) But then, after a few shitty movies, they said, "Yes, yes! We do want to be associated with this! Remember when we were good here? Remember when you loved us here? Well, we're gonna help you relive those moments all over again with a sequel." [beat] A mere seven years later. [The year 2005 is shown as a caption] NC: Way to ride that hot streak, guys. NC (vo): But, hey, even if something came out six years too late, it doesn't mean it necessarily makes it a bad product. [Chuckles] No. The fact that it's a bad product is what makes it a bad product. Where the first film had a bit of an edge to it with family members being killed off and disembodied heads in jars, this one plays like a fucking Saturday morning cartoon. No drama, no logic, and stunts you'd see at a Six Flags Stunt Show than a high-budget sequel. It was a pretty major letdown. NC: But it's one thing to talk about it, it's something else entirely to experience it. So, let's take a look at Hollywood's shitty-ass... [Pretends to use a sword to carve a Z shape] Z-quel. NC (vo): So California's on the verge of becoming the 31st state as an election is held to hopefully merge with the Union. (One of the ballots is marked with a Z instead of a check, showing that it's being signed by Zorro) Insert immediate stupid as Zorro himself apparently votes in the election. That must've been an interesting registration form to fill out. (We cut to Doug dressed up as Zorro and Malcolm Ray with a sombrero, mustache and poncho) Malcolm: Okay, sir, if you could please fill out your... Doug Zorro: HA-HA! (he just paints a Z on the registration form) Malcolm: No, sir, that's a Z. (Every time he puts a new one out, Doug Zorro just paints another Z on it) I'm going to need your full name. Those won't count as--(fed up with the constant Zs) Okay, whatever. (And then Doug Zorro paints a Z onto his own face) NC (vo): But a villain with two frozen strips of bacon on his face comes to steal the ballots by... shooting their hats off. Padre Felipe: State your business, McGivens. Jacob McGivens: I haven't voted yet. Felipe: Aw, I'm sorry, you're too late. The polls have already closed. NC (vo): (As McGivens) Don't mess with me, boy. I caused the Top Hat Massacre of '43. (McGivens snaps his fingers and several other goons appear with rifles pointed) NC (vo): Of course, Zorro, played by Antonio Banderas, comes in to save the day. (The goons shoot at Zorro, all of them wildly missing their shots) NC (vo): (as Goon) Sir, what do we do? He has no hat to shoot! (as McGivens) Then God help us all! (normal) They literally try to steal the election by putting the votes in a carriage with the world's fucking strongest horses. (The horses power through a brick arch like it was made of paper) That's solid brick! What kind of steroid oats are you feeding these things? (Zorro manages to get back the ballot box and is cornered by one of the goons. Zorro smacks him in the face, making him fall crotch first onto a wood beam, with Zorro reacting to it) NC (vo): (as Zorro) Oh, yeah, we did the 90s crotch reaction. And it's 2005. (McGivens kicks Zorro off the platform) (normal) Oh, and get a load of this denial of reality. (As Zorro is falling, he whips onto one of the beams above it, then swings under and through the platform, kicking the guy above him. NC is quite confused, even with diagrams!) NC: No! NC (vo): He [McGivens] lands on a cactus literally so we can just have this painfully awkward reaction shot. (McGivens is panting with cactus quills on his face) Jesus, even Wile E. Coyote, who's had God knows how many reactions to cactus, is like... (Cut to a picture of Wile E. Coyote) Coyote: Yeah, that was weird. NC (vo): Two men end up seeing Zorro without his mask, but right now that's not an issue, as Zorro has saved the votes. (Zorro comes in holding the ballot box as the crowd cheers him on) NC (vo): (as person in the crowd) Yay! A dark masked man whose identity is unknown is handing us our ballots. Surely, this is still legit, right? Governor Riley: In three months, every vote of every pueblo around California will be counted! And it is my hope that we will finally call ourselves Americans! (The crowd cheers) NC (vo): I don't know. This film seems way too Americanized already. This, of course, brings him back to his lovely wife Elena, played by Catherine Zeta-Jones! (The porno music starts up as she comes into the shot) (Suddenly, a loud roaring is heard coming from NC's crotch which he then whips) NC: Down, boy! Down, boy! (The combination of whip plus nads equals bad idea as he cries out in pain!) Ooooww! NC (vo): By the way, get used to this tracking shot while the music swoons. They milk it more than the (picture of) Two Fat Ladies' butter factory. (Five clips of said tracking shot are shown) NC: I don't care if you mug more than the LA crime circuit. (deep voice) One day, you will be mine! NC (vo): Though it seems he's returned home to both her and his son, he suddenly realizes that Zorro's days may still not be over. Alejandro de la Vega: Here is me, here is quitting. We're this far apart. NC (vo): (as Elena) *sigh* You know I'm Catherine Zeta-Jones, right? Alejandro: Where's the proof? Elena de la Vega: That you do not know your own son. (Bells are ringing in the distance) NC (vo): But they summon Zorro by ringing the bell five times because...I'm sure it was cheaper than this. (A Zorro-light is shown with a Z shining in the night sky) And he rides off to save the day again. The following morning, Jones starts to feel like she's being watched. (While Elena is out shopping, she notices two men watching her by looking at a mirror) Oh, yeah, cause they look intimidating. Run, woman! They might start to sing the Banker's Song from Mary Poppins! (Elena manages to fight the two off, until one of them, Harrigan [Michael Emerson], gets the drop on her by aiming his gun at her head) NC (vo): (as Harrigan) Yes, I probably should've opened with that. Can I interest you in a show about an island that was ruined by a writer's strike? (normal) We then see Banderas at... (noticing he's at a poker game in a bathhouse) wait a minute. Wasn't the last time we saw him, he was being summoned as Zorro? Yeah, they rang the bells, he gets in the costume, he rides off. What the fuck happened in between here? "Quickly, Zorro! Three naked men in a bathtub are in need of a dealer!" (Sounds of Speedy Gonzales are added to Zorro riding in the night) Man: Where are you going? Alejandro: To beg Elena's forgiveness. NC (vo): But just when he realizes he should spend more time with his family and he's about to change his ways, his wife issues him a Z-vorce. Oh, really? In 1850, huh? Hell, you couldn't even get away with this in 1950! I think just thinking the word back then was probably illegal! So rather than, oh, I don't know, just talk to her or admit he was wrong, he does the more logical route by getting blind stinking drunk and bad-talking her for about three months. (Alejandro is naked after a night of drunken shenanigans) Alejandro: What happened to my clothes!? Maid: I removed them last night so you wouldn't catch pneumonia. After you came back from the cantina, you went for a swim. Alejandro: But this hotel doesn't have a pool. Maid: We have a fountain. NC (vo): This doesn't set well with his son Joaquin, who is starting to get restless in his studies. Padre Quintero: How exactly does a flaming poker fit into your little theory? Joaquin de la Vega: It fits...in your butt. (The class laughs) Padre: Come here, demonio! No? (The teacher comes over to slap Joaquin with a ruler) NC: Okay, before we proceed any further, I just wanna give you fair warning...This is the stupidest thing you'll see in an action film for a long time. It's action cam amazing. If you're wearing glasses or any kind of eyewear at all, be ready to drop them because this will result in immediate facepalm. (NC practices taking off his glasses for the incoming stupid) Go ahead. (The teacher and Joaquin get into a swordfight with rulers while the class cheers. NC takes his glasses off and facepalms) NC (vo): What the hell am I watching right now? This can't be for real. This cannot be for fucking real. (Clips of Mask of Zorro are shown) How can the prior film that brought us decapitations, slicing up others, years of torture, (back to the movie) bring us this second grader fan-fiction bullshit? It is so mindbogglingly stupid that I actually refuse to believe it really happened. NC: In my opinion, this is all just a fantasy going on in the kid's head while in reality, he's getting his ass thrashed, (Drawing of the teacher smacking Joaquin's bare ass is shown) and this is his only way of coping with it! (NC is now bent over with the previous scene in a thought bubble while getting smacked) NC (as Joaquin): I'm jumping out of the classroom! Oww! I just had a swordfight with the teacher! Owww! All the kids are chanting my name! Ow! Ow! Owww! NC (vo): But his father sees what he did, resulting in, what else? Absolutely nothing! Yeah. No punishment, no talking. He doesn't even send him back to his fucking class! He simply asks, "What's with him?" Alejandro: What's with you, huh? NC (vo): Christ, no wonder your wife left you! Your parenting skills are on par with Octomom! But, big surprise, his dumb behavior doesn't stop there. He's invited to a party hosted by Rufus "I'll pretty much be the bad guy in everything I'm in" Sewell, where he discovers, of course, that Jones is getting married to him after being separated for only three months. Elena: Alejandro. Alejandro: Elena. Elena: Armand? Count Armand: De la Vega. Alejandro: Count? NC: [As Donkey] Donkey! NC (vo): Thus, our brave and virtuous Zorro gets plastered and makes a complete dick of himself. Alejandro: [various scenes] Perhaps you should wear lipstick if you're going to act like my mother./I can handle her! [Another scene shows Alejandro looking at Armand in jealousy] You can fall to your knees and beg me to take you back. NC (vo): After getting thrown out of the party, he finds a corner to go get drunk in where, believe it or not, even his horse starts to drink with him. Alejandro: Hey, hey! Cut it out! Alejandro: Nobody leaves my tequila worm dangling in the wind! NC (vo; as God): This is God. Stop filming this piece of shit and start making a real movie. I mean, a drunken horse? WTF. [normal] Of course, somehow, nobody else heard or saw that giant explosion, which means Banderas is the only one who can figure out what's going on. Alejandro: An explosion. I simply wanted to make sure you were both safe. Armand: As much as you had to drink last night, I'm sure your vision was impaired. NC (vo; as Alejandro): Yes, but my hearing isn't. What the hell kind of accent are you trying to do? Armand: You do play polo, I take it? Alejandro: Naturally. NC (vo): [Sighs] Remember when this music used to go to cool stuff? In the first film, it was a horse chase, a sword fight, now it's goddamn polo! Oh, they just keep upping the fucking ante, don't they? Armand: To the victor go the spoils. NC (vo): So, after that completely pointless exchange, Temporary Tattoos [McGivens] here goes to steal the deed to a person's house so he can own their land. Guillermo: Please, señor. This land's all we have. McGivens: And the Lord shall expel THEM before you and ye shall possess their land! NC (vo): You know, I don't think he knows what those words actually mean. I think he just memorized random passages, thinking they'll sound important. [As McGivens] And Samson visited his wife with a young goat and said, "I will go into my wife in her room!" Wow, that sounded bad! Okay, just forget that last verse. That's a...that's not me. Zorro: Drop your guns. All of you! NC (vo): Zorro has them where he wants them, tells the couple to go inside...and then just takes off like a pussy. Wait, he tells them to go inside the house and then doesn't even stay to protect them? That's like telling a mouse, "Go get the cheese from the mouse trap! I shall be with you in spirit from afar." NC (vo): This leads to the husband getting killed, but luckily, Zorro's horse is inflammable and saves the wife and kid. Are horses just like super beings in this world? Eventually, Zorro sneaks into the bad guy's house, while Jones does pretty much the exact same thing. Elena: Where is the bathroom? I would like to powder my cheeks. NC (vo; as Armand): Yes, your tan does seem to be coming off. NC (vo; as Zorro): Feliz Navidad, assholes. I'm Zorro-ho-ho-ho! McGivens: It'll take my boys two days to cover the quarter mile. Armand: Otherwise, you'll get nothing. McGivens: Listen to me, you backwards-ass frog. You had all my money, you won't ever see me... NC (vo; as McGivens): Christ, I'm so bad at what I do! Do you have a Bible quote you're especially afraid of? [normal] Our two heroes bump into each other after snooping around, leaving to Zorro having to hide. NC (vo): Jesus! I think "Mad About You" had less bickering than this film! NC (vo): [Chuckles] We're hoping to get the horse his own Nickelodeon show. Check your local listings. So, in the mother of all coincidences, Barbecue Sauce Tear [McGivens] HAPPENS to stop by a field trip that Zorro's son HAPPENS to be a part of, and HAPPENS to sneak aboard without being seen. Quelle coincidence! ('What a coincidence' in French) Goon: What are you doing here, kid? Joaquin: Looking at two of the ugliest guys I've ever seen. NC (vo; as a goon): No, soap! All we can do is duck from its aroma-pleasing destruction! NC (vo): Zorro saves him and gets him to safety, only to be captured himself by the people who know his identity. Pinkerton #1: We're the Pinkertons, operatives of the United States government. Alejandro: Elena works for you? NC (vo): So, as you probably figured out, these are agents who blackmailed Jones to be a spy for them so they can stop whatever evil plans Sewell is up to. NC: [Sighs] Okay, two major problems with this. One: Why the fuck couldn't she tell him that? NC (vo): Even if they threatened to kill him or her, she can still tell him and he can just be on his guard! Second, and definitely the bigger problem here: You find out who Zorro is and you decide to use his wife. [beat] Why the fuck don't you use Zorro?!* I mean, he's Zorro! He's fucking Zorro! He's literally an action hero! You go for his wife?! What the fuck's wrong with you?! How would this make sense in any reality?!
* (In the film, that question is actually answered. The Pinkertons believed that Zorro is a relic of the past, and that he should belong in a museum) Joker: I know who you are, Bruce. And if you don't want me to tell the cops out there, I think you know what I want you to give me. Batman: And what is that? Joker: I want...Alfred. Batman: My butler? Joker: Yeah. Batman: Why the hell do you want my butler? Joker: Oh, Commissioner Gordon...! Batman: All right, all right! I'll give him a call! [Brings out a cell phone] Alfred? Alfred: Aye? Batman: Get down here. Alfred: Aye. Batman: He's on his way. [Long pause] You do know I'm Batman, right? Joker: Yeah. I don't care. Batman: I can bug phones, sneak into places... Joker: I still want my Alfie. Batman: Okay, I don't follow this at all. Alfred: All right, here I am. [Sees the Joker and smiles] Sweetcakes! Joker: Darling! Batman: I can do gasoline drawings on a bridge! Joker and Alfred: [Off-screen] We don't care! Batman: I am so done with this gig. NC (vo): So, as if this Zorro couldn't possibly be any more pathetic in this film, he ends up getting stuck in jail, and has to rely on his son to break him out. That's right. An eight-year-old little boy is going to break out Zorro. NC (vo): His son, of course, has a foolproof way to break him out...he just bends over. [Joaquin bends over, causing a guard to trip onto him and fall down to the ground, allowing Joaquin to get the guard's keys] Christ, even by dumb guard standards, that's borderline brain-dead! What? He couldn't dress up like a woman and lure him with his feminine wiles? He [Zorro] then meets up with Jones at the villain's headquarters. NC: Survey says... [A board from Family Feud is shown. An answer box shows the answer, "Pretty lame"] Pretty Lame! That was pretty lame. NC (vo): They then discover that Sewell is part of the Knights of Evil Smokey Rooms who want to stop California from becoming a state, as well as destroy all of America. Armand: The power of the United States will be so great, it will overshadow us. But...America has one weakness. NC: [Confused] Just one? Armand: Its people. NC: Well, sure, and all of this. Armand: Nitroglycerine. We're preparing to launch a preemptive strike against Washington. Dillingham: I've heard enough. Brothers, you know my spirit is with you, but we risk antagonizing a sleeping giant if we fail. I'll see myself out. [Prepares to leave] NC (vo; as the man): As a member of an evil organization, I expect no retaliations, resulting in the end of me whatsoever. Armand: Lord Dillingham? NC (vo; as Dillingham): Uh, yeeeesss? Armand: Would a demonstration put your mind at ease? NC (vo; as Dillingham): Actually, I think it would. Thank you very mu-- NC (vo; as Felipe): By God! I could hear that cliche all the way over here! Felipe: Unless you've come to confess, you have no business here, McGivens. NC (vo): So Interview with the Redneck Vampire [McGivens] hears that Zorro visited the priest and dropped off the boy there. And, like most religious nuts, he shouts his damn Bible quotes everywhere EXCEPT in the goddamn church. Felipe: All right. I'll tell you. NC (vo): Wow. I really do think this is the most useless villain I have ever seen on film. I mean, he hasn't done one thing correctly. [Clips from Scream are shown] I think the killer from Scream had less pratfalls than this guy! NC (vo; as McGivens): I'm so sorry, Padre. If you had a hat, I would've shot that. [normal] They take the kid away as Zorro, the master of disguise, sneaks into where they're making the nitro without ever being noti... [Zorro is shown disguised as a different person, yet he still wears his mask] Did everybody just come down with a case of the stupids? Seriously. How many people are working in this damn place? Not one of them, fucking one of them notices that one of them is wearing a black mask and is so obviously Zorro?! All of him is exposed except for his hat! Bad Guy #1 (Malcolm): Ha-ha! We got you now, Zorro... [Doug Zorro puts on a Santa Claus hat, causing the bad guys to become stunned] Santa Claus! Bad Guy #2 (Jim): Apologies. We thought you were Zorro. Doug Zorro: Oh, it's no problem. But for your disobedience, go cut your heads off. Bad Guy #1: But only the Emperor can demand such... Bad Guys: Your Majesty! Doug Zorro: Now get to the choppy-choppy. [The bad guys run away. Doug Zorro paints a Z onto his own face] HA-HA! NC (vo): They're all eventually caught, and his son is shown who Zorro was the whole time. Joaquin: Papi... NC (vo): And as you can see, his amazement fades quite quickly. [As Joaquin] Eh, it would've been cooler if he was Spider-Man. Armand: Goodbye, De la Vega. Elena: No! Not in front of Joaquin! NC (vo; as McGivens): No, please! This is the one time I can actually do something right! Alejandro: Elena, my family is my life. NC (vo; as Alejandro): And seeing how my life is about to be dead, you can kind of see where you lie on the totem pole. [normal] Okay, so this guy [McGivens] has Zorro, he's got a knife to his fucking neck, there's no way he can escape. What does he do? [Instead of killing Zorro, McGiviens does what NC describes next] Pushes him away, giving him time to fight back! NC: [Stunned and disgusted] This guy, he's unbelievable. NC (vo): The only thing he got done in this movie was shoot the fucking priest, and even then, I think that was just a lucky shot-- [Suddenly, the priest, alive and well, appears and attacks McGivens] OH, MY GOD! Are you fucking kidding me?! He didn't even kill the goddamn priest?! NC: Claim your prize, man! Claim your prize! You are the Most Worthless Villain in Film History! NC (vo): Oh, but it doesn't stop there. I know that sounds unbelievable, but he actually does manage to get stupider! This idiot is so goddamn dumb that Zorro doesn't have to end up killing him, he actually ends up killing himself! I'm not even kidding! He goes out like a whiny pussy bitch! NC: [Smiles] Even his scream was embarrassing. Give it up for him, ladies and gentlemen. NC (vo): We will never see a less intimidating antagonist. NC: Well done, sir. Well done. NC (vo): Oh, and how did the priest survive that gunshot, you might ask? Guess. No, really guess, because there is only one thing to guess, and it's, of course, the right answer. NC: You know you're thinking it. Go ahead, you can say it out loud. NC and the audience (vo): The cross stopped the bullet! NC (vo): God works in mysterious cliches. Fuck. [A poster of Saving Christmas is briefly shown] Kirk Cameron is more subtle than you! NC (vo): So he goes after a train filled with nitro, which also holds his family, and... [Zorro breaks a window Armand was looking out of, also punching Armand in the face] coincidentally picks the exact right window to punch. To be fair, though, I do love this line. Zorro: So the Devil will know who sent you. (The Devil, played by Malcolm, is briefly shown talking on a cell phone) Satan: I can handle my own paperwork. NC (vo): They strap John Murdock [Armand] to the front of the train where he blows up with the nitro and...thank God somebody started to build a brick wall, but then stopped 1/80th of the way through. Abraham Lincoln: Welcome to the union, Governor. NC (vo; as person in the crowd): Yay! We belong to a country that's still using slavery! Freedom! Wonderful freedom! [normal] Our heroes decide to get remarried, only to find the bells are summoning Zorro again. And...I guess everybody's okay with him abandoning his family now. Elena: Padre, can you hurry it up a little? The people are calling. NC (vo): Let's hear it for our hero who has gone through absolutely no change whatsoever! NC: Jesus Christ! What the hell happened? NC (vo): The first film was so good, and it’s so hard to believe that the same people were involved with it. The characters are idiots who don’t learn anything, the fighting is way too silly to get invested in, the humor’s not funny, the drama’s not interesting. It just feels like it was written by a child. I still stand by the first Zorro movie with Banderas and Zeta-Jones is an action marvel, one of the most entertaining of the past few decades. But this? This is just a disaster. It killed the chance of there ever being a Zorro movie in the near future. But, hey, if it was with these people again, maybe that was a good thing, because I don’t think I could sit through a piece of crap like this ever again. NC: Well, maybe if they changed one thing. NC: That could work. NC: Nah, nah, it's still stupid. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Channel Awesome Tag: McGivens: Listen to me, you backwards-ass frog.
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