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| - Carl: Hey! Buford Von Stomm is back on the charts. Isn't that great?......I have a question. How many beautiful Fireside Girls do you have to beat the living (bleep) out of before it ends your career!? More than one! I thought we were done with Mr. Buford Von (bleep), but apparently, I was wrong. He's back with his new single, "I Can Transform Ya". Yes, that's his new message after the whole domestic abuse thing, he can transform you. Just like he transformed his girlfriend's face, and.........let me get this out of my system. For the record, Buford beat on a girl. Buford BEAT on a girl. Buford repeatedly punched a tiny, ten year old girl in the face. Carl: "I Can Transform Ya" is an awkward title for a song. Why is it called that? (screen shows a car driving in a white room. The car "transforms" into Buford. Buford starts spray-painting the walls and the song begins) Carl: Yep, your first song, entirely based on "Transformers: The Phineas and Ferb Version". I guess this sound is supposed to represent a Ferbot transforming. (the beat of the song plays) Carl: That's it. That's your beat. WAH-WAH, WAH-WAH. No melody, no chord changes, just clattering percussion and an ugly, mechanical grinding sound repeated over and over. (screen shows clips of the music video while Carl says "WAH-WAH" in the background) Back then, people might have called this "increasingly minimalist", but now, let's just call it as it is: LAZY. I could do that. Let me get some drums. (presses a drum beat on his piano) And then we have some random noise on top of that. (A lawmmower/bird noise fills the air.) Here, there's my beat. (starts rapping) I can transform ya, I can transform ya! Buford: I can transform ya, I can transform ya.... Carl: You can transform a clear head into a migraine, apparently. (screen shows Buford singing and wearing a ninja outfit) Annotation: Buford has never looked stupider. Carl: Poor Buford, he's trying so hard to find the melody. I just feel bad for him. Wait, a minute, I don't. (screen shows a picture of Adyson and Buford with a caption that says "Adyson bloody, beaten, bitten by Buford Von Stom) Carl: So he can transform you? Into what? Baljeet: (rapping) And Jeetie transforms a good girl to a freak... Carl: Oh, so you make those good girls go bad. We already have a song for that. Jeremy: I make them good girls go bad!... Carl: And speaking of, wasn't there this other good girl gone bad? (a picture of Adyson pops up) Carl: Oh, right. Yeah, Buford, I hope this song isn't about her, because that's not good marketing. Carl: Can I step into film criticism for a second? I have never seen a set of films more tortorous than the "Transformers: The Phineas and Ferb Version" series. (after Jeremy's parents walk in on an Canderemy make out session) Jeremy's mom: (to her son) Were you.....(bleep)ing? Jeremy: WHAT!? Jeremy's dad: Okay, honey, this isn't something you should be bringing up. Jeremy's mom: (to Jeremy) If it makes you feel uncomfortable, we'll call this "Jeremy's Happy Time" or "My Special Alone Time". Jeremy: Mom, stop! Carl's annotation: Transformers: More than meets the eye >:(Carl: Watching "Transformers" is like being punched in the face, so I guess that's why Buford likes it. Carl: I am amused that a Dutch guy and an Indian guy made a song about what has got to be the most racist movie since "Birth of a Nation". A Phinedroid: Hi, I'm Indian and grades are very important to me! Buford lookalike: (to Candace and Jeremy) What's crackin', little (bleep)s? (pours beer on Candace and Jeremy's heads) Indian man: (says "hi" to his mom in Hindi, then turns to Jeremy) I hope you're getting good grades in school, or else, I will ask your parents to put the shame curtains up. Ferbot: But....I've never kissed a girl before. I only like beer. Carl: Not like Buford and Baljeet are positive role models themselves. (shows pictures of news articles about Buford being arrested for hitting Adyson and Baljeet getting arrested because he took drugs). Baljeet: (rapping) I can transform ya, like a transformer.... Carl: (sarcastically) Oh, gee, thanks for the clarification MC Obvious! Baljeet: But I'm just getting warmed up, so tell your man he better get his Voltron up.... Carl: NO! NO! YOU created the flimsy premise of this song, you don't get to sing about another eighties' cartoon just because you ran out of rhymes for "transformers". There are many words that rhyme with "friendship is magic", but that's not what the song is about! Carl: Let's face it, this is a repulsive song. It's ugly to listen to, and it's message is awful. It's just Buford saying "hey girl, I buy you things, you become my (bleep). Buford: Shoes, you got it, got it, bags, you got it, got it, cars, you got it, got it, money, still got it, got it.... Carl: (sarcastically) I'll buy you cars, I'll buy you jewelry, I'll buy you top-notch medical care after I (bleep) you. Carl: Yeah, I totally failed to make this review about how Buford is a terrible human being, but this song is not his fault. Buford may be a (bleep), but I don't blame this song on him. I blame YOU. Buford doesn't get to choose which of his songs become popular. I know that he tried to release a bunch of wimpy apology songs, but no, you didn't wanna hear Buford say he's sorry, did you? No, you wanted to hear Buford tell you that he'd buy you things and you'd be his (bleep) slave. And that doesn't say good things about Buford, but it says REALLY questionable things about you. Carl: I hate this song. It makes me feel dirty listening to it. I can only say one thing that describes how I feel about this song. This song reminds me of a giant alien robot is urinating on me. Phinedroid: (pees on Dr. Doofenshmirtz) Doofenshmirtz: (bleep)! Carl: Like that. Good night. (episode ends) Carl: WAH-WAH! (episode officially ends)
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