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| - [A group of students is huddled outside Mr. Haney's office.] Arthur: Mr. Haney is about to post a list that tells us which teacher we'll get this year. [Mr. Haney enters with the list. The students gasp and murmur in anticipation.] Arthur: Uh-oh. Mr. Haney: Oh! Forgot a tack. [reenters office] Francine and Binky: Huh?! [Students groan.] Arthur: There are three teachers for third grade: Miss Sweetwater, she's nice; Mrs. Fink, she's fun... Ratburn: Billy, name three oceans. Arthur: ...and Mr. Ratburn, the toughest, scariest teacher in school—no, in the whole world—no, in the whole history of the world. [Mr. Haney pins the list to the billboard.] Student: Oh, here comes the list. Francine: Let's go look. Arthur, we're... in the Rat's class! [Arthur, Buster, Binky, Brain, and Maria scream. Binky faints.] Arthur: Maybe you read the list wrong, Francine. Let me look. You're right. It's Ratburn! [On the baseball field] Buster: Ratburn... Ratburn... Ratburn... Ratburn... Ratburn... [On the soccer field] Francine: Ratburn... Ratburn... Ratburn... Ratburn... [A soccer ball bounces off her head and lands in the goal.] Francine: Ratburn... Ratburn... [Walking down the sidewalk] Arthur: Ratburn... Ratburn... Mrs. Powers: Free samples of a new flavor, rocky road. All you can eat! Brain: Maybe he's not as rigorous as everyone says. Francine: Prunella had him last year. Let's ask her. Prunella: [laughs] "Is the Rat bad?" Does a bull fight? He eats nails for breakfast... [The others gasp.] Prunella: ...without milk! [Ratburn is seen pouring a bowl of nails. He eats a spoonful, stopping to pull a screw out of his mouth and toss it away. He then eats the spoon.] Prunella: And make sure you never answer any questions wrong... or he'll send you to death row. Arthur: Death row? [Arthur is seen locked in a dungeon.] Ratburn: Have you done your math exercises? Arthur: I did the first 5000, sir. Ratburn: Then you have 9,995,000 left! Get to work! And after that, you have 37,000,000 spelling words to memorize. And you spiders, get moving! [Spiders are seen spinning a web that looks like a map of the world.] Prunella: And he's also a weird vampire... with hypnotic, magic powers. [Ratburn is seen opening his casket at the front of the class.] Ratburn: You are in my power. Students: We do not like recess. Prunella: Well, good luck! [In Ratburn's classroom] Ratburn: Good morning, everyone. Welcome to grade three. My name is Mr. Ratburn. Arthur: He doesn't look so bad. Francine: It's probably a trick. Ratburn: Let's start with a two-minute math quiz to see what you remember from second grade. Francine: I told you it was a trick. [Ratburn hands out the quiz. Arthur sees Mrs. Sweetwater's class having fun and eating popcorn, while Mrs. Fink's is exercising to the beat of a boombox.] Mrs. Fink: Welcome to the first day of school. School is cool! School is cool! Ratburn: Arthur Read, you'd better concentrate on those problems before time's up. [Recess starts. The other classes burst out the doors and run outside, while Mr. Ratburn calmly opens his door.] Ratburn: Class, you may now file out in an orderly fashion. Quietly. No talking. Arthur Read, are you standing in your proper alphabetical position? [Arthur moves behind Francine. Cut to the baseball field.] Arthur: Boy, Ratburn's tough! He gave us homework on the first day. Buster: Get with it, Arthur. We're not dealing with a human being here. This is serious! [Binky hits the ball into the bushes under Ratburn's window] Arthur: You find it yet? Ratburn: Hello, this is Mr. Ratburn. Buster: Shhh! Arthur: Uh-oh. Ratburn: Yes, I have all the eyes I need, but I'm completely out of heads. I need heads. I can wait for girls' heads, but I must have boys' heads immediately. [Arthur starts to leave] Buster: Wait, he'll see us! And we have... boys' heads! Ratburn: There's no time! I need them now. I'll have to get them myself. [hangs up] [Arthur and Buster scream and run to the Sugar Bowl.] Francine: What are you doing? [Arthur and Buster scream.] Arthur: Ratburn. He—He's looking for body parts—heads! Boys' heads! Francine: You must have heard wrong. A vampire doesn't need heads. Arthur: This is no ordinary vampire. Buster: He's beyond vampire. Arthur: What's beyond a vampire? Buster: A Ratburn. [Ratburn is seen across the street walking to a Hardware Store. Arthur and Buster scream and hide behind Francine.] Francine: Hey! What— Buster: Stand still. He wants boy heads, not girls'. [The three look in the window of the hardware store and see Ratburn picking up a box of nails.] Arthur: Breakfast! [Ratburn picks up a saw and puts it in his bag. Arthur and Buster hold their necks.] Francine: What do you think he's gonna do with that saw? Buster: I read a book where kids discovered a scary mystery like this and became detectives to solve it. [Ratburn exits the store. The three scream and run into an alley.] Buster: We should probably investigate. Arthur: You know, we have a lot of homework to do. Francine: You're just a fraidy-cat. Buster: Arthur, we have to chose: face horrifying, scary danger or do our homework. Francine and Arthur: Horrifying, scary danger. [The three surreptitiously observe Ratburn checking out books at the library, reading a newspaper, and refereeing a basketball game.] Francine: I'm bored. He's not doing anything weird. You probably heard him talking about heads of lettuce. Arthur: Boy heads of lettuce? I don't think so, Francine. Francine: Oh, yeah? It's probably the term grocers use for the rotten ones. I'm gonna do my homework. Buster: Arthur, look! [Ratburn is seen wheeling a large suitcase down a flight of stairs. Suddenly, it opens and an arm pokes out. Ratburn puts it back and closes the case, when suddenly his watch beeps. It's 3:45. He rushes off with the suitcase.] Buster: [afraid] M-Maybe we should go do our homework. Arthur: Come on. [At the entrance to the carnival] Arthur: He went into the carnival. Buster: Of course he went into the carnival. Look at all those boy heads! Arthur: We've got to warn them. [They run into Ratburn.] Buster: Oh, no! He's got us! We're trapped! Arthur: Look! There he goes! Come on! He went into that booth. [Arthur and Buster enter the booth and get sprayed with water guns. They leave.] Arthur: Okay, it was that one. [Inside, Mrs. MacGrady is taking a picture of Mr. Haney sitting on a horse.] Mr. Haney: This is very authentic, Mrs. MacGrady, but I'd prefer a real action pose. [Arthur bumps a cactus cutout, which falls and startles the horse. The camera captures him right before he falls off.] Arthur: Sorry, sir. [Back outside] Buster: Okay, I pick this time. [He points to another booth, inside which can be seen two silhouettes. Arthur and Buster gasp.] Arthur and Buster: One... two... three... go! [They run inside, finding themselves on stage in front of an audience of kids.] Arthur: Run away! Buster: You're not safe! He'll get you! [The audience laughs.] Jack: Hey, you're not in this story. Puppet radio: And you're doing my lines! I warn Jack to run away, but not till he hears "Fee-fi-fo—" you know the drill. [The audience laughs again.] Ratburn: Arthur, Buster, get off the stage! Jack: Okay, fellas, when you leave that castle, make a left, down that beanstalk, and you'll be back in Elwood City. [Backstage] Buster: Wow! The Rat does kids' puppet shows? Puppet radio: Jack, you're disorganized. You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached. Jacket: Uh-uh! Would not! [Jack's head falls off.] Puppet radio: Grab your head and hide! Here comes the giant! [Jack's cracked head rolls over to Arthur and Buster.] Buster: Arthur, look! Giant: Fee-fi-fo-fum! Audience: Ew! [Backstage] Ratburn: They always crack when I do that. I must go through 50 boy heads a year. Arthur and Buster: Boy heads! Ratburn: I can never have enough boy heads. Arthur: We didn't know you made puppets. Ratburn: Can't talk, boys—I have 40 seconds to get Jack ready. Must always stay on schedule because of all I do. Arthur: You do a lot! You're a teacher, a coach, you work on the school paper... [laughs] I can't even find time to do my homework and eat! Ratburn: You need to learn to organize your time. I've heard that some people think I give a lot of homework. Arthur and Buster: We never heard that. Ratburn: But once you've learned good work habits, you'll discover— Puppet radio: Jack! Where are you? Ratburn: [as Jack] Just a second! The cat rolled my head into the litter box. [to Arthur and Buster] You're capable of more than you think. I'll teach you how to do that homework and then have more time for things you enjoy. Arthur: Like how you do all that stuff plus puppets? Ratburn: Exactly. [checks watch] Ah! Two seconds early. Self-discipline is as important to learn as two plus two. [as Jack] Okay, I got my head on straight! Puppet radio: Hey, man, your head's on straight, but your body is backwards! Ratburn: Please don't stand there. I have to concentrate on my work. Arthur: Oh. Sorry. [to Buster] Boy, were we wrong. Ratburn: By the way, boys, I can't wait to see your Geography projects tomorrow. [Arthur and Buster scream.]
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