| abstract
| - From the company that tricked you into buying the same exact game for the last quarter century (Electronic Arts), comes a video game where 2 teams compete to score more goals, based on a sport where 2 teams compete to roll around on the grass and pretend to be injured: FIFA 15. Experience the game where athletes use their foot to kick a ball, known as soccer, that's the most popular sport in America, behind the NFL, basketball, baseball, beer pong, NASCAR, online poker and competitive eating. And dive into the franchise that's the best soccer simulation soccer in the business, because it's pretty much your only option, aside from the far better Super Mario Strikers. Watch the beautiful game come to life with FIFA's most realistic graphics ever, until you buy it again next year, that shows off stunning visuals like: Ronaldo's One Direction Caliber looks, Ribery Snaggletooth Butt Face and even scanned versions of your own face in a mode that works slightly better than NBA2K's. (Shows a failure scan that results in a horrible gross face) AAH!!! Kill it! Kill it with fire! Kid up for a game named after a organization so corrupt, they gave the World Cup to some place called Quaytar? Quatar? Q... Qua... Cater? And have a wank over this faithful recreation of the soccer experience, featuring: Kicking, Passing, Jogging, Offsides, Whining and 120 minute long 0 - 0 ties. But hey! At least it's not baseball. (Narrator yawns because of the boring baseball match) Choose from thousands of updated teams before picking Barcelona over Real Madrid, and once you're done playing meaningless Clásicos, try out FIFA's deeper game modes like: Manager Career, where you step into the tie and potbelly of a real manager, and experience the thrill of not having to actually play soccer. Player Career, where you go through every challenge of an up and coming star, except banging your teammate's wife. AND Ultimate Team, where you spend real money to earn fake money, to spend on packs of cards that you sell for enough fake money to repeat the entire process again. It's.. it's kinda of addicting, guys. (KSI received a Di Maria card and he goes crazy, smashing his Chair.) So experience the latest incremental advancement in the FIFA series that lets you live out the glory and heartbreak of soccer, at its highest levels, from every magical cross and spectacular volley, to every BULLSH#T penalty, BULLSH#T offside calls and BULLSH#T bone safe! F#CK THIS, I don't even like soccer! I'm an American! Give me something to shoot! STARRING: The Hobbit (Lionel Messi), Mr. Steal Your Girl (Cristiano Ronaldo), An American Hero (Once every 4 years) (Clint Dempsey), Luis Sewerrat (Luiz Suarez), Ru-Fi-OOOOOOO (Neymar Jr.), That's a huge Vic (Zlatan Ibrahimović), Ugly David Beckham, AND a Thumb (Wayne Rooney). SOCCER 15. (We then see the logos Barclays, Herbalife, Coca-Cola, Fly Emirates, Etihad Airways, Allianz, Samsung, Pirelli, Qatar Airways, Heineken, T-Mobile, VISA and Say No to Racism) (a glitch is seen from FIFA 12 that shows Andy Carroll kissing Łukasz Fabiański) Okay, I know EA removed the make out feature, but this sport is still pretty gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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