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| - Chuckie: (voice only) First, it gets really, really cold. Chuckie: (voice only) Then, the grown-ups start acting real nice... Chuckie: ... and smiling all the time. And that's not the worsest part! One night... he comes! Tommy: Who comes? Chuckie: The scariest guy in the world! (show close-up of Chuckie's face) Santa Claus! Tommy: Chuckie! You can't be scared of Santa! He's big and fat and jolly and gives you presents! Chuckie: That's not what I heard! Elf: Okay, who's next to see Santa? Angelica: Me, me, me! Mall Santa: Oh, uh... Ho ho ho! And how are you today, little, um... Angelica: Angelica. Mall Santa: Angelica! And why don't you tell Santa what you want for Christmas. Angelica: I want a Luxurious Hair Cynthia Doll. Mall Santa: Of course you do. And if you're a good little girl... Angelica: A "Teenage Nuclear Fusion Squad" Video Game... Mall Santa: Well... Angelica: A Rocco Mr. X Exploding Smash-Up Doll, a "Beverly Hills Cynthia" Lunch Box, a pony, and a 9-11 Surgical Kit With working Stethoscope. Mall Santa: Yes, that's an awful lot of presents... Angelica: (shouting in Santa's face) I'm not finished yet! Angelica: But the biggest and most importantest thing I want is a Deluxe Cynthia Beach House with Real Working Hot Tub, Satellite Dish, Entertainment Center, & Attached Garage. Mall Santa: Yes, um, Angelica, um, that's a mighty long list of toys. I don't know if Santa... Angelica: Hold on! If you're really Santa, how come you don't know this stuff already? Mall Santa: Well, uh... Angelica: Hey! Wait a minute! You're not the real Santa Claus! You're... Angelica: ... a phony! Mall Santa: Hey! Angelica: Santa Claus is a fake! Run for your lives! Phil: Wow! Lil: Where did you get that neat box of toys? Angelica: From Santa Claus. Phil: I thought he only gave you stuff for Christmas. Angelica: Nah, you just gotta know how to work him. Stu: (to Drew) Ah, cheer up, big bro. Drew: Stu, can you imagine how upset Angelica must be finding out that that department store Santa was a fake? Stu: She doesn't look that upset to me. Chas: (voice only) Yeah, the manager gave her practically every toy in the store. Drew: Do you think toys can compensate for what she's been through? She may be traumatized for life! Angelica: Hey! This is a bunch of junk! They didn't give me any of the stuff I wanted! Chas: Well, even if she is traumatized for life, Drew, she'll still have a better Christmas than I ever had. Didi: What do you mean, Charles? Didn't you ever have a real special dinner with lots of family and presents? Chas: When I was a kid, Christmas was always kind of... disappointing. The best gift I ever got was a rubber glove and a tongue depressor. I'm just afraid of being the same for Chuckie. Drew: I just wish I could do something to reaffirm Angelica's faith in Santa. Betty: Hey, I know! Lets rent a place up in the mountains and do it up right! A real white Christmas! Stu: What a great idea! We can chop down our own tree, and sing carols, and open up presents there on Christmas morning! Didi: I'll call the travel agent and get a cabin! Stu: I'll go buy some lights and ornaments. Grandpa: I'll drink a couple of quarts of eggnog and fall asleep in front of the TV! Angelica: Just my luck. I get a whole bunch of toys, and not one of them is any fun. What am I gonna do with a bunch of dumb old crayons? And what's this? Angelica: A Reptar space helmet? Great, just great! Chuckie: I'm telling you, Tommy, that Santa's a bad guy. He's always watching you, keeping track of everything you do. And then, in the middle of the night, he breaks into your house with a big bag full of who knows what. Tommy: But Chuckie, he's got presents in that bag. Chuckie: Ah sure, that's what he wants you to think! Angelica: What's the matter with you? Phil: Oh, nothin'. I just wish I could figure out what to give Lil for Christmas. Angelica: Really? What if you gave her something for her favorite coloring book? Like maybe, crayons? Phil: Yeah! But Angelica, where am I gonna get a great present like that? Angelica: Right here. Phil: Gee, thanks Angelica! What a pal! Angelica: Not so fast. You can have them all right, but it's gonna cost ya. Phil: Cost me? Angelica: Not a lot. Just your Reptar doll. Phil: My Reptar doll? But it's my "favoritest" toy ever! Angelica: Well, can't say I didn't try. Phil: Wait! (short pause) Okay, okay, Lil's my sister. Angelica: Oh boy! It doesn't get any better than this! Angelica: Hey, wait a minute. Maybe it does! Didi: I know it's only a few days till Christmas, but don't you have anything? Didi: Yes? Didi: Yes? Didi: No, I don't think Tijuana's the right location. Drew: Poor Angelica. Christmas is ruined forever. Chas: Poor Chuckie. I wish there's something I can do to make Christmas extra special. Drew: If only I can make it up to her and make Santa come alive again. And how. Drew & Chas: Hey! I got an idea! Chas: No no, you go first. Drew: No no, you. Chas: Okay, I was thinking, why don't I dress up as Santa, and come down the chimney on Christmas Eve. The kids will hear me, wake up, come downstairs, and get a guh-limpse of old St. Nick. Drew: Well, that's exactly what I was thinking. Chas: You were? Drew: Yeah. Of course, (chuckles), we wouldn't actually have you as Santa. We get a professional. Chas: What's wrong with me? I'm a good actor. Remember our 4th grade play? I got the title role in "Wind In The Willows"! Drew: Chas, you were a tree. Chas: I was the willow! Drew: Forget it, Chas; I'm hiring a professional. Angelica: Hi, Lil. What'cha doing? Trying to figure out something to give Phil for Christmas? Lil: Yeah, how'd you know? Angelica: I'm your friend. I know these things. Now, think for a second. What's Phil's "favoritest" toy in the whole world? Lil: Umm, his building blocks? Angelica: No, think again. Lil: His pop-up book? Angelica: One more time. Lil: His stuffed alligator with the missing eye? Angelica: (shouts) No! His Reptar doll! Lil: Oh yeah. Angelica: Now, what could you give him to make his Reptar doll better? Lil: Another Reptar doll to be his friend? Angelica: No... Lil: A "Reptar On Ice" sing-along record? Angelica: No... Lil: I know! A Reptar surfboard! Angelica: (shouts) No! Angelica: A Reptar space helmet, dummy! Lil: Hey, that's a great idea, Angelica! But where am I gonna get a Reptar space helmet? Angelica: What a great trick, Cynthia. Angelica: Phil's gonna get a Reptar space helmet for Christmas... Angelica: ...but he doesn't have his Reptar doll. Angelica: And Lil's gonna get crayons... Angelica: ...but she doesn't have her coloring book! Angelica: I'm bad, Cynthia! Real bad! Chuckie: He's bad, Tommy! Real bad! Tommy: I keep telling you, Chuckie, he's nice. Chuckie: I just wish I could catch him to show ya! Tommy: Chuckie! That's it! We'll catch Santa in a trap and make him tell us if he's good or bad! Chuckie: But I don't want to catch him! Grandpa: Gather 'round, sprats! I want to tell you about Santa Claus! Grandpa: Now maybe you heard folks say he's not real. Just a fairy tale. Well, it ain't the truth. St. Nick is as real as you and me. Rugrats: (quickly) Wow! Grandpa: That's right. I've seen them with my own two eyes. Angelica: Really? Grandpa: Yep! Now here's the point of my story. You see, Santa may be old, but he's as sharp as a toothpick. (holds up toothpick) And if you've been bad, you don't get that special doll you've wanted, or that fine looking electric train... Grandpa: Instead, (forms a coal shape with his hands) you get a great, big ugly lump of coal! (zooms into his mouth) Grandpa: Of course, none of this applies to any of you sprats! You've all been good as gold! Didi: Guess what, everybody? We got a cabin! Angelica: Daddy? Drew: Yes, sugar? Angelica: Is it true that if you're a bad little kid Santa Claus will give you a lump of coal instead of presents? Drew: Sure is, pumpkin. Drew: Sweet dreams, princess. Angelica: I don't care what they say, Cynthia, that guy Santa can't possibly know that trick I played on Phil & Lil. Can he? Angelica: (shouts) Can he?! (normal voice) Of course not. Angelica: Oh, what a great trick I played. Dumb old Santa. Great trick. Can't know... Angelica: (shouts) It's Christmas! Angelica: (gasps) Oh boy! Drew: And they're all for you, princess. Angelica: Coal? Angelica: Coal? Angelica: Coal! Coal! Coal! It can't be! It just can't be! Santa's just a smelly old guy in red pajamas! There's just no way he could've known! Dream Santa: Oh ho, but I do! Dream Santa: I know everything. Phil got a new Reptar doll. Lil got a new coloring book. And what did YOU get? Angelica: (shouts) Noooooooo! Angelica: Huh? Wha? Drew: What happened, sweetie? Angelica: Daddy, daddy, what day is it? Is it Christmas? Drew: (yawns) No honey, not yet. Angelica: Then it was just a dream. There's still time. Daddy, I gotta find Phil & Lil. Drew: You'll see them later today when we go up to the mountains. Right now, why don't you get some sleep while it's still dark? Angelica: Hear that Cynthia? There's still time. We gotta trade Phil & Lil's presents back before it's too late! Adults: (singing) Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh! Angelica: Hiya, Phil; hiya, Lil. Can I talk to you guys for a minute? Lil: What did we do? Angelica: Ooh, you didn't do nothing. It's just that I thought I could do you two a favor. Phil: What kind of favor? Angelica: Well... Betty: Aha! There you two are! Betty: Come on, kids, momma's taking you to cut down your first Christmas tree. Angelica: Drat! Chuckie: You sure you want to catch Santa, Tommy? Maybe he'll just leave us alone. Tommy: Chuckie, don't worry; he's nice. Now, let's go. We gotta check the whole house for places to set Santa traps. Tommy: Doggy door? Chuckie: Check. Tommy: Dining room windows? Chuckie: Check. Tommy: Chimbley? Chuckie: Chimbley? Tommy: Oh, you're right. No one in their right mind would try to come down a chimbley. Charlotte: (on phone) Jonathan, listen! I am tired of these endless justifications! Angelica: Mommy, can I go chop down a tree with Aunt Didi? Charlotte: Sure, hon; have fun. (back to phone) Now, Jonathan... Stu: Charlotte, it's so nice that you could finally get away from work to spend the holidays with us. Charlotte: Well, it is Christmas after all, the season of love and joy. (back to phone) I don't care Jonathan! We got to crush the competition and we got to crush them now! Didi: Okay, I got the axe! Betty: Great; I got the permit. Let's go chop ourselves a sapling! Angelica: (to Phil & Lil) As soon as we get on the sled, we'll be able to talk. Betty: How about this one? Didi: Uh, too small. Betty: How about that one? Didi: Umm, not enough branches in the back. Betty: Come on, Deed, a tree's a tree; just pick one. Didi: That's it! It's exactly the right size; the perfect shape! Isn't it cute? Betty: Good choice, Deed. Now, stand back. Didi: What are you doing? Betty:I'm gonna chop it down. Didi: Oh no you don't! Not this tree! Angelica: Think I could talk to you guys for a second? Phil: Sure. Lil: About what? Angelica: About... presents. Angelica: It all started when the first present was given by the Pilgrims a long long time ago. After that, everybody started giving presents. Even the Easter Bunny started giving them until Santa slapped him with a lawsuit. Angelica: So anyway, what I'm try to say is... Charlotte: (mostly voice only) What am I kidding? There's no problem here; I'm a problem solver. I just inherently know what to do. You call me up, I know the answer. I was born with the talent. Yeah, I know, I know. Well listen, I know more than any lawyer. You don't have to start with me. (laughs) I'm not afraid. What are you kidding? They call me; they consult with me. Oh, is that right? Well listen, I have a couple of things to tell them; I don't know why I should bother. I'm not gonna stoop so low. I have better things to do with my time, I can tell you that much. Are you kidding? Certainly not. I can't leave that office for one minute without something just... ah, for heaven's sakes. Well of course I know what to do. I inherently know what to do with everything. I pay you, and I pay you plenty! Didi: (voice only) Dinner! Chuckie: You think those traps would work, Tommy? Tommy: Chuckie, you worry too much. Charlotte: (on phone) Tell those personnel people to remove paragraph 3 and replace it with a Santa Claus, uh, I mean a SANITY clause. Angelica: (to Didi) Well suppose I can try to make up for doing something bad, but you couldn't fix it. Will Santa still bring a lump of coal? Didi: Oh, Angelica. You're such a good little girl. I don't know why you have so many questions about bad children. Stu: Ah, look. Isn't that cute? Betty: Time to put the young'uns to bed. Angelica: Oh no. Tommy: Chuckie? Chuckie: (sleepy) Must stay awake. Must... Tommy: Chuckie! Chuckie: What? What is it? Is Santa here? Tommy: No, you almost went to sleep. Chuckie: No, Tommy, I'm awake. Tommy: Oh, no Chuckie! Phil & Lil are asleep! Tommy: Chuckie? Tommy: Um, I guess it's up to me. Maybe I'll just make myself comfy while I wait. Adults: Joy to the world, The Lord has come! Let Earth receive her king! Let every heart... Charlotte: (on phone) Listen, something I learned in life and that is to be a self-starter! Everywhere I am today, I have done myself! Angelica: Why did I do it? Why did I take Phil's Reptar doll? Why did I take Lil's coloring book? Chas: Wait till they get a load of this! Drew: (on phone) Is this "The Santa Experience"? Drew: Just calling to confirm the Santa act tonight. Drew: Great! Angelica: (to Cynthia) I tried to be good, Cynthia; I really tried. TV Man: The holidays can be a depressing time of the year. Angelica: You said it. TV Man: (voice only) Don't let this very special time of year become a nightmare for you. Call 1-800-555-YULE, and talk to someone who cares. Angelica: 555-5555! Cog Guy: Cogs Unlimited. Angelica: (voice only, on phone) Uh, may I speak to Santa Claus, please? Cog Guy: Huh? Angelica: (voice only, on phone) I need to talk to Santa right away; it's very important. Cog Guy: Uh, I think you maybe got the wrong... Angelica: (voice only, on phone, shouting) Let me talk to Santa! Cog Guy: Alright! (brief pause) This is Santa Claus. How can I help you? Angelica: Oh, hi Santa. It's me, Angelica. Cog Guy: (voice only, on phone) Oh yes, hello, Angelica. Angelica: I just wanted to find out if I'm on the good list or the bad list this year. Cog Guy: Hmm; let me check with one of my elves. (pause) Oh yes, Angelica; you're on the... oh yes, you're on the BAAAAD list. Cog Guy: (voice only, on phone) Thanks for calling. Angelica: It's over Cynthia. My future as a kid is over. Chas: Oh boy. That Santa guy must be in good shape. Tommy: Chuckie! Our traps! Come on! Chuckie: Wow; it was only your dad, Tommy. Boy, for a minute there I was getting really scared. I thought it was Santa. I'm glad it was only... Chuckie: It's him! Chuckie: What are we gonna do, Tommy?! What are we gonna do?! Chas: Hey! Hello, Stu, let me outta here! Chas: Hey! Chas: Chuckie! Chuckie, wait! Chas: It's okay, Chuckie. Chas: It's just... me. Chas: Oh, Chuckie. Phil: That's not Santa. Tommy: That's just Chuckie's dad. Angelica: There is no Santa! I'm saved! Grandpa: Santa! Real Santa: A little problem with a chimney, hmm? Drew: (in a "fake" tone) Oh, Santa! Won't you come in? Real Santa: Merry Christmas, Tommy, Phil, Lil! Aren't you guys up past your bedtime? Real Santa: Merry Christmas, Chuckie. Still think I'm so scary? Real Santa: Ah, Angelica. Angelica: A Deluxe Cynthia Beach House with Real Working Hot Tub, Satellite Dish, Entertainment Center, & Attached Garage! I didn't get a lump of coal! Real Santa: (giggles) You know, sometimes trying to be good is as important as being good in the first place. Well, gotta go. Another 900 million children on my list. Ho ho ho ho ho. Didi: Well, since it is almost morning anyway, why don't we all open our presents? Phil: Gee, thanks Lil! A Reptar space helmet. Lil: A box of crayons. Phil: What's wrong, Lil? Lil: I gave... never mind. Phil: You mean you... Lil: Did you trade Angelica your Reptar doll just to give me these crayons? Phil: And you traded your coloring book to get my Reptar space helmet. Phil & Lil: Thanks! Angelica: Ahem! Merry Christmas! Phil: My Reptar doll! Lil: My coloring book! Phil & Lil: Thanks, Angelica! Angelica: Ew, baby germs! Chuckie: You know, Tommy? You were right. Santa isn't such a bad guy after all. Tommy: I told'ya. Chas: Hey Drew; you were right. It was better getting a professional Santa. Drew: Am I ever wrong? Drew: Hello? Drew: Yeah, this is Drew Pickles. Barney: Mr. Pickles, this is Barney Stevenson, "The Santa Experience". I'm calling from my car phone; you see, my car skidded off the road an I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight to do the Santa thing. Can we reschedule? Barney: Mr. Pickles? Drew: (voice only, on phone, angry) What do you mean you can't make it?! Barney: I hate Christmas. Chas: Who was that? Drew: Oh, wouldn't you know it? The guy I hired to play Santa can't make it. He... Chas: Drew, who's that? Angelica: What a great house! I wonder if there's a car in the attached garage? Didi: Angelica? Is that a lump of coal? Real Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!
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