| abstract
| - The Nerd: (Screams) NO! (He uses his foot to put out the fire.) The Nerd: (Groans) Those Goddamn kids, they left me a flaming bag... (The Nerd pulls out The Crow: City of Angels game from the bag) of SHIT! The Crow: City of Angels. It was on PC, PlayStation and Sega Saturn, and all the same, the PC version was a Piece of Crap, the PS version was a Piece of Shit, and the Saturn version was a Satanic turd, MORE LETHAL THAN TEN TONS OF DONKEY DOOKIE DROPPING FROM A 60-STORY BUILDING! The Nerd: The Crow was a dark action film based on a comic series. The Nerd: The film takes place the night before Halloween, Mischief Night or Devil's Night, which is associated with the more destructive version of Mischief Night, which is not so much about petty pranks, but more about vandalism and arson. It's also somewhat related to an older tradition: Guy Fawkes Night. But that's another story. The Nerd: Anyway, The Crow, of course, starred Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee's son. The Nerd: You can't talk about The Crow without mentioning the fact that he was accidentally killed on set by a defective gun blank. Yeah, I have nothing but tragedy to tell today. The Nerd: The plot was about a rock star named Eric Draven; he and his girlfriend are violently killed by a horrible gang. The Nerd: But he's resurrected and seeks his revenge after a crow leads his soul back to the world of the living. Yeah, it sounds weird when you say it fast, but it was a pretty good movie. The Nerd: While not perfect, it was stylized with a gloomy and surreal comic book tone, similar to Tim Burton's Batman. The Nerd: That would be a good time to make a video game, right? No. There were no games based on The Crow. Nada, diddly-fucking-squat. Then came the shitty sequel, The Crow: Shitty of Angels! (The Nerd sarcastically acts excited) (Chuckles) Now it's time to make a game! (The Nerd disgustingly grabs the game) (groans) All right, let's pop this... fucking turd in here. The Nerd: "Loading." Yeah. My ass is loading. The Nerd: Okay, "great" opening screen. Take a guess which tiny pixely blob is me. The one in the center that your eyes are immediately drawn to? I'm pushing left and right, and the dude is walking side to side. That would have to be me, right? No, no, no. I'm the guy in the bottom right turning in a circle. Just wonderful. The Nerd: Rather than just simply pressing which direction you wanna go, check this out; This is how it works: Left and right turn yourself around in a 360 motion, while up makes you go forward. No matter which direction you and the camera are facing, up is always forward. This isn't the only game like this; even the first Resident Evil had the same shitty controls. But for The Crow, I would say this is before they figured out how to program video game controls for three-dimensions in a good way, (Gameplay from Super Mario 64 is shown) but Super Mario 64 was already out. The Nerd: Alright, first enemy in the game and I can't even figure... (The enemy's hand goes through the player) Oh, look, look, he's punching through me. His fist is coming right out my back! If this is what it's gonna be like for every enemy we encounter, then we're in for a real nightmare. As the game explicitly warns you, this is your last chance. The Nerd: The game is so bad that it's become self-aware. The Nerd: Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol. The Nerd: Oh, he's badass. Look, here he comes, he's badass! Like a slasher villain. That's actually pretty terrifying. The Nerd: Look at his fucking face. Looks like a melted candle of one of the members of KISS, and there probably do exist KISS candles. But wouldn't that be great if we could hear "God of Thunder" or something awesome? But instead, listen to this rocking tune. The Nerd: (mimics rock music) Yeah, you'll enjoy hearing that for hours. Nah, you won't. The Nerd: That's the perfect soundtrack to go along with walking around in circles in the most depressing bar in existence. This is the place where people go to cut their wrists and drink gasoline. The Nerd: It's hard to even walk a straight line. On top of the clumsy controls that make you feel like you're driving a tank, the camera angles keep changing at the most inconvenient times. It's so disorienting. The Nerd: Sometimes, I deliberately walk around the same area just to see if I could figure out where the line is between one camera angle and the next. It looks like stepping into a separate reality. The Nerd: Sometimes the camera angle doesn't change at all, you just step outside the boundaries of existence. Where am I? It's as if there's actually a person behind a mixer who has to switch the camera angles, but that person was too busy smoking pot. Stoned Camera Guy: Uh, dude. Sorry, man. The Nerd: How about this? I'm behind the fucking bar. I guess they completely forgot to even put a camera back there. And there's times where your feet actually get stuck as if there's an invisible treadmill. Bad Guy: Hey, clown-face! The Nerd: Let's talk about the fighting. It's the worst part of the game, which is unfortunately the part you do the most of. You have a few different variations of kicks and punches you can pull off, you can even throw people, but whether or not you hit your mark is all up to chance. You mash buttons and hope for the best. The Nerd: Half the time, your fists and feet go right through your opponents. That is if you can even face the right direction. This is like Karate Champ, but taken to three-dimensions. The whole thing is a fucking clown show. (The player dies) (groans) My God! The Nerd: And the fighting in the cutscene is there just to tease you. Wow, look, they're actually punching and kicking, even blocking, and they're facing right at each other. This is a reminder of how much better the game could have been. The Nerd: Oh, my God. What is he doing? He's pulling her tits! He's pulling her tits! The Nerd: The awful camera angles add so much to the misery. Don't you love it when you're fighting somebody and you end up in a corner somewhere? The Nerd: Could you imagine if this was somebody's first video game, or if it was even the first video game ever made? I think even then, it would have induced vomiting and irritable bowel syndrome. I wonder if Guy Fawkes would've liked this game. The Nerd: After all, it's based on a shitty sequel, so I don't know what I expected. I guess I expected something a little less... vaginal. Yeah, I'm running out of adjectives. The Nerd: The controls, needless to say, are delayed. When you have to turn around, get in position, and then pull off an attack, the response time for all that is way too much. By the time that actually happens, you don't remember what you tried to do. It's as if every time you press the button, that request gets processed in a cue of commands that's always behind. The Nerd: Weapons, if you're even able to pick them up, you can never hit anybody with them. Within those 360 degrees, you have to turn till you're facing in the precise direction, which you'll never have time to do. The Nerd: As soon as the enemies have guns, the game is all over with. They always have ammunition and you never do. In the time it takes to pick up the guns, pick up the ammo, and then try to shoot at them, they already got you, and if you do manage to pull off a few shots, that's all you get: Is a few shots and then the ammo runs out. But not them, they come at you with fucking machine guns and drain your life bar instantly! Geez! The Nerd: Strange that in the movie, the guns can't kill him, but I suppose playing as an invincible, immortal character wouldn't have made for a challenging game but this is way too challenging, and the challenge isn't about legit gameplay, the challenge is about trying to outsmart the broken ass controls. The Nerd: The only way I'm able to glimpse ahead in the game is by using passwords. Even then, as soon as the level starts, the enemies immediately gang up on you. I tried every stage in the game, and none of them I can last more than a minute. I even turned the difficulty down, and still, it's fucking insane! The Nerd: This is the definition of frustrating, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde frustrating, and it all leads up to a battle that looks like something out of Hellraiser. The Nerd: FUCK! SHIT! (Groans twice) GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT! This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass, and fuck you, you fucking clownface Joker, KISS makeup wearing, King Diamond, Beetlejuice, Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson motherfucker! Board James: Yo, Nerd, I got a better game for us. The Nerd: Board James, go away. You don't get a Halloween special. The Nerd: (Stutters) Okay, as soon as Halloween is over, we'll play some plastic and cardboard. Board James: (Nods) Better late than never.
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