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| - (Scene opens up showing the Flynn-Fletcher house) Candace: Hello. Is this the Johnson residence? I'd like to speak to Jeremy Johnson. This is Candace Flynn. Why am I calling, you ask? Because I have a question about our algebra assignment. Thank you, I'll hold. Okay, okay, let's see... opening jokes, opening jokes. Hey there, Jeremy! This is Candace Flynn. So what do you get when you cross a yak and a martian? Linda: Honey, could I interrupt for just a sec? Candace: Why, Jeremy Johnson, did you just call me "Honey"? Linda: No, Candace. I just want to tell you I'm off to my book club. I left the phone number on the fridge in case of emergency. And Candace, honey... Candace: Yes, Mom? Linda: I hope you're not planning on talking to that banana all afternoon. Phineas: Ladies and Platypuses, introducing the latest party craze to sweep the nation: The amazing mariachi tree! (Mariachi music) (Song distorts, Crashing) (Mariachi band members groaning) I think the lesson here is never drink so much chocolate milk before planning our day's activity. (At Mariachi band) Bye, guys. Sorry. Good work there, though. There's that smile, Arturo. Gracias. Isabella: Hi, Phineas. Phineas: Oh. Hi, Isabella. Isabella: Whatcha do-- (Hiccups) Phineas: Are you okay? Isabella: Yeah. I just came by to see whatcha do-- (Hiccups) --ing. Phineas: Wow. That's a bad case of hiccups you got there. Isabella: I know. They're driving me crazy. (Hiccups) Phineas: Not to fear, Isabella. Ferb and I will help you cure your hiccups. Isabella: (Hiccups) Phineas: Hey, where's Perry? Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is on the move. We tracked him to these coordinates when we suddenly lost his signal. We have two scenarios to explain his disappearance. First, that magical elves have caused Dr. Doofenshmirtz to vanish to the land of angry corn people. The second, is that he may be on his secret, hideout-shaped island with the initial "D" carved into it that satellites found in the exact, spot, where he... vanished... uh, you know what? Uh, forget the magical elves thing. Way off base with that. Anyway, on your way, Agent P. (Song: "Perry the Platypus Theme") ♪ Doo be doo be doo ba (X4) ♪ ♪ Perry! ♪ ♪ He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action ♪ ♪ Doo be doo be doo ba, doo be doo be doo ba ♪ ♪ He's a furry little flatfoot, he'll never flinch from a fray-ay-ay! ♪ ♪ He's got more that just mad skill, he's got a beaver tail and a bill ♪ ♪ And the women swoon whenever the hear him say ♪ (Perry chatters, women faint) ♪ He's Perry, Perry the Platypus! ♪ Major Monogram: You can call him Agent P. ♪ Perry! ♪ Major Monogram: I said you can call him Agent P. ♪ Agent P! ♪ Phineas: Okay, Isabella. The best way to cure the hiccups is to scare them away. So what scares you? Isabella: Hmm... (Hiccups) Well, there was this haunted house at the state fair-- (Hiccups) That was pretty scary. Phineas: That's it! Ferb and I are gonna make you the scariest haunted house ever! (Organ) Zombies, werewolves, and ghosts, and vampires, and witches! Candace: (Clears throat) Phineas: Oh, hey, Candace. Candace: Phineas! The only way you're building a haunted house in this backyard is over my dead body. Phineas: (Deep voice) That's the idea. Blah! Candace: That's it, you little psycho! I'm calling Mom! (Door slams; she then opens it) And I am not using the banana this time! (Door slams again) Phineas: You guys heard that, right? It wasn't just me? Candace: Build a haunted house, my foot! (Phone dialing) They're so busted. Yes, hello. This is an emergency. I'd like to speak with Linda Flynn. To whom am I presently speaking? Jeremy: Uh, Jeremy, that's whom. Candace: J-J-Jeremy? (Stammers) Jeremy who? Jeremy: Jeremy Johnson. My Mom's hosting a book club today, who is this? Candace: We seem to be breaking up. I-I'm going into a tunnel... Sunspots, I-- ¡No habla español! (Dial tone) ♪ Doofenshmirtz's hideout-shaped island! ♪ Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? HERE? How could this be? I'm shocked. (walks over to a map of the ocean with his hideout on it) I mean, it would have taken a total evil mastermind to have guessed that you'd track me to this point, find the secret hide-out, glide in under the radar and infiltrate through this access vent, make your way over to this crate, activating my automatic arm and leg restraints. Right here? This is the part where I get all sarcastic and pretend you surprise me. "OH, PERRY THE PLATYPUS?!? HOW? WHAT THE? WHO THE? WHY THE..." Oh! ...Finally ending here, where I finish showing you my brilliant plan. You see Perry the Platypus, this secret hideout doesn't actually belong to me. It belonged to my mentor, Professor Destructicon, Kevin, to his friends. Sadly, he was just captured in the midst of his latest plan to set fire to the sun! Redundant, perhaps. But before they locked him away, Kevin asked a favor of me: To prevent them from discovering his hidden lair and all its secrets, would I please SET FIRE TO THE SUN! I was like, dude, you really got to let that one go, it's a ball of fire! It makes no sense. So he asked me instead to simply destroy his hide-out, which I will now do, using my new Disintevaporator. (Clears throat; Dramatic music) And you, Perry the Platypus, will now be disintevaporated along with it! (Laughs maniacally) Candace: Okay, just breathe and relax. (Sighs) Let's try this again. Hi. Uh, Linda Flynn, please. But if she's too busy, uh, then maybe there's someone else who can deliver her a message. Maybe someone in their teens! Girl: Uh, who is this? Candace: This is Candace. Candace Flynn. And who is this? Suzy: I'm Suzy, Jeremy's little sister. Candace: Well, it is such a pleasure to meet you on the-- Suzy: You called for Jeremy, didn't you? Candace: Jeremy? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Suzy: You say you want your Mom, but you really want Jeremy. Isn't that right? Candace: That's not true. Suzy: I'm sorry, (Paper crinkling) We seem to be breaking up. Candace: Stop crinkling paper! I know that trick! Suzy: Bye bye. Candace: Wait, wait, wait! It's true. I want to speak to Jeremy. Suzy: I thought so. (At Jeremy) Jeremy, some girl's on the phone for you! (At Candace via phone) But never, ever forget, I am, and always will be Jeremy's favorite girl. Got it? Candace: Mmm-hmm. Yes. Jeremy: I got it, my favorite girl. (At Candace via phone) Jeremy here. Candace: (Gasps) Jeremy! Jeremy: Candace? Candace: Uh, yeah, yeah, it's me. (Giggling) Jeremy: Hey, you know, your mom's over here for the book club. Candace: Oh, yeah. Well, I just have this silly question to ask her. Jeremy: Well, they're breaking for coffee. (Jazz music) Wanna come over? We can hang out. Candace: (Screams) Phineas: That was great, Ferb. But you should really save those screams for later, when the house is up and running. Candace: Uh, I-- I mean, sure. Jeremy: Cool. See you in about 20 minutes? (Hangs up) Candace: (Faints) Doofenshmirtz: Now I'll just load up a few things that Professor Destructicon let me store here. If there's one thing Kevin understood, it was closet space. Now, I'll just, uh, grab my keys to the escape jet, and, uh... Hmm. I could've sworn I put them in my lab coat. Oh, they're probably over here on the computer console...no. Ah, the kitchen. Hello? Keys? (Laughs) This is a little bit awkward, but have you seen my escape jet keys? (Perry nods) What? You have? Well, that's great! Where are they? (Perry turns his head away, refusing to tell him) You won't tell me? Is this because you don't speak, or are you just being a jerk? (Cut to Candace in a room with clothes spilled all over the floor; construction can be seen through the window.) Candace: Oh, I can't believe it. I'm finally going to Jeremy's house. Okay, now, what would the perfect look be? (Gasps) I know: "Girl next door meets pop diva meets Hollywood bad girl crossed with an old school glamor goddess"! (Crash) Now I just gotta find the finishing touch. Hey, boys! I'm off to the Johnson's book club. Jeremy invited me over. Phineas: Uh, when you see Mom, could you tell her some snakes got lost in the house? (Blade sharpener stops) Candace: Okay! You boys have fun. See ya! Phineas: Okay, troops. Thanks for coming on such short notice. Buford, I know this is cutting into your canasta game. Buford: This better be good, pointy. Phineas: Oh, it is. Isabella has been cursed... (Everyone gasps) ...with hiccups! (Everyone sighs) Worse case I've ever seen. We're building this haunted house to scare the hiccups out of her. To do so, we must dig deep into those terrible places any sane man shoves into the darkest, twisted corners of his mind. Each of you must find out what scares you the most. As you can see, today we're building a haunted house, electronically controlled by this giant organ. Every room is monitored on these screens. And by playing the keys... (Organ plays, Pop) ...I can trigger all sorts of surprises. So with your help, my friends, we can build this house with enough horror to destroy the involuntary contraction of Isabella's diaphragm muscle once and for all! (Applause) Oh, there you are, Ferb. (At Crowd) Okay, people, let's get our scare on. ♪ Doofenshmirtz's mentor's hideout! ♪ Doofenshmirtz: Am I getting warmer? Hmm? (Laughs) The sofa. My keys fell between the cushions, right? Uh, no. Oh, come on! I defeated you fair and square, Perry the Platypus! Why can't you accept your death with dignity and maturity and play "You're getting hot and cold" with me? Fine, be that way. I'll find my keys myself and teach you the meaning of grace under fire. (Disintevaporator beeps) Please! I'll do anything! Oh, for the love of Great Caesar's ghost, what would you have me do? (Circus music; Humming, screaming) (Song: "It's Candace") ♪ La, la, la, la, la (X2) ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Who's that girl going down the street? ♪ ♪ It's Candace (Candace) ♪ ♪ She's the girl next door who's a pop diva by day and a Hollywood bad girl by night crossed with an old school glamour goddess I'd like to meet ♪ ♪ It's Candace (Candace) ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la, la (X2) ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la ♪ (Ominous music) Dog: (Barking; Chomp) Candace: (Screams) Oh, help! Somebody! Oh, get it off me! These are designer jeans. Wait, what are you doing? (Handle squeaking) (Screams; Dog barking) No, no! Ah! My hair! Help! No-- (Splat) Huh? Suzy: (Laughing maniacally) (Beeping) (Mud splashing; Candace screams) Candace: Why are you doing this to me? Suzy: (Laughing maniacally) Jeremy: Suzy? What's going on out here? (At Candace) Candace? Candace: Oh, uh, hi, Jeremy. Suzy: Upsies! Candace: Wait, no! Don't pick her up! She's evil! Evil! Can't you see? She's out to get me! She did this to me! Jeremy: (Laughs) What are you talking about? Little Suzy wouldn't hurt a fly. Suzy: (Giggles) Ba-ba. Candace: No! She's trying to get rid of me! Can't you see? I can't take it! Jeremy: Wait, Candace! Candace: No! If you can't see it, I should leave while I still have a shred of dignity left. Jeremy: Candace, come back! Suzy: Bye bye. Isabella: Hi, Phineas. Whatcha do... Ph--Phineas? (Hiccups, Bell tolls, Wind blowing, Howling, Bats squeaking, Roaring) (Screams)
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