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| - Franklinstein was born in the small town of Nowhere, Massachusetts, and although his parents' identities have yet to be confirmed, he is popularly believed to be the son of the Wicked Witch of the West and her illegitimate lover Oprah. He was educated overseas in Britain to escape the then-pending No Child Left Behind Act, but soon dropped out of school so he could run his printing press – originally started as a simple hobby – as a full-time job. This decision was due primarily to the success of his popular Poor Drunkard's Almanack, widely considered to be one of the first reference sources written in SPOV, and possibly the only one which does not once mention Oscar Wilde, as the latter was born considerably after Franklinstein's death.
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| abstract
| - Franklinstein was born in the small town of Nowhere, Massachusetts, and although his parents' identities have yet to be confirmed, he is popularly believed to be the son of the Wicked Witch of the West and her illegitimate lover Oprah. He was educated overseas in Britain to escape the then-pending No Child Left Behind Act, but soon dropped out of school so he could run his printing press – originally started as a simple hobby – as a full-time job. This decision was due primarily to the success of his popular Poor Drunkard's Almanack, widely considered to be one of the first reference sources written in SPOV, and possibly the only one which does not once mention Oscar Wilde, as the latter was born considerably after Franklinstein's death. Upon returning to the United States in 1727 (having spent the majority of his time up to this point bumming around in England), Franklinstein became involved in local politics. He was particularly interested in the rights of the undead, owing in part to the fact that both of his parents were zombies, and during this time he was perhaps best known as an early supporter of the No More Room In Hell Act. However, he quickly dropped out of local politics following a near successful shooting on April 22, 1731, an event which left him painfully aware of his own fragile post-mortality, and did not become involved with these strange bedfellows again until the end of his "natural" life, when he attempted his failed bid to add "rights of the semi-deceased" into the new nation's Constitution. In his spare time, Franklinstein often enjoyed inventing, with a particular nod towards torture devices and tools for effective genocide. His best-known creation prior to his full-time scientific career is the Franklinstein oven, which was capable of killing up to fifty people at one time while simultaneously providing enough heat to warm the house or even cook dinner. No ovens were built during either of his lifetimes, but during the 1940s (while he was still dead) Adolf Hitler ordered several to be delivered to his winter home in Germany, as recent energy shortages had brought about a sudden increase in demand for more efficient heating systems. He is also credited with the invention of rose-colored bifocals, the first type of glasses to improve one's vision of what one desires to see, and which even today remain wildly popular in the field of American politics. A final discovery, often overlooked against the backdrop of his other accomplishments, is the discovery of cooling by evaporation, or constantly dumping cold water on top of someone and kicking them outside into the wind and snow in order to freeze them to death. It is rumored that Franklinstein proved the "unfortunate effectiveness" of this discovery while on vacation in Antarctica, when he accidentally froze his dick off while taking a leak during a bitter rainstorm. This is often used to explain why he had such a poor sex life after his return to America, although recent evidence shows that he was actually quite active during his time in Europe, as zombies were considered very kinky sex partners throughout Britain for much of the early 18th century.
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