| abstract
| - The preshow begins with Gru standing in front of the camera. Gru: Testing... Testing... A-oo-wee-a-hoo-ha. [clears his throat] Greetings, recruits. Welcome to my home. I am Gru, master villain, scourge of humanity. So, you want to be a Minion? Your training will begin soon, but be warned: danger lurks [sinisterly] at every turn. Suddenly, Agnes chasing after Gru's pet, Kyle, enters the room, forcing Gru to leap away from the camera. Agnes: Kyle! Come here, Kyle! Gru: Agnes, please! Please! Uhh... Daddy's trying to be evil! Meanwhile, Edith and Margo also enter the room. Edith sticks her tongue out at the camera while Margo approaches Gru with curiosity. Margo: [scoffs] What are you doing? Gru: [irate] I am trying to... [gets cut off once noticing Agnes, who's holding Kyle in front of the audience] Agnes: [singing] Who's the cutest puppy in the world? Agnes temporary sticks Kyle, causing his tongue to create a smudge before she starts chasing again. Gru: [sighs] Now, where was I? Noticing the smudge, Margo approaches the camera, breathes on and cleans it with her shirt. Gru: [looks behind Margo in suspicion] Margo! Margo: What? There was a smudge. Suddenly, they both notice Edith, this time holding up a clown-like sock puppet. Edith: [with a deep voice] I am Evil Clown! Fear my red nose! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! When the mayhem continues, Margo looks at Edith, satisfied. Gru, however, is insecure. Gru: THAT'S ENOUGH! The girls calm down. Gru: Girls, will you please just let me do this?! [gestures to the audience] Edith: Oh! We're just trying to keep things interesting. Margo motions Agnes to listen to Gru. Agnes: [disappointed] Sheesh. Gru: [calmly] Okay, just... just be still. Don't say anymore... words. [clears his throat; to the audience] These are my daughters. Say hello briefly. Edith: Hello out there! Margo: S'up? Agnes: [singing] Greetings from the television! Gru: Anyway, let's begin. We're going to start with a written exam. [snaps his fingers, signaling a Minion holding a stack of paper sheets] The test should be no longer than three hours! You do this exam and depart! Ha ha! Margo: [cuts him off] Hey, hey! Gru: [turns to Margo] Hmm? Margo: [quietly] We're not doing a written exam, remember? Gru: [calms down] What? We're not? Oh, right. [to the Minion] We ditched that. The Minion leaves. Gru: Hopefully, you were given your Minion Goggles. [holds up a pair of 3D-glasses out of his pocket] The video shows a blueprint of the goggles, then Dr. Nefario showing a variety of models to a Minion, who shakes his head no. Gru: [voice-over] These goggles were designed by our own lovable and disturbingly old scientist Doctor Nefario. After spending months, assembling the latest in eye-wear technology, he would not rest until the perfect model of goggles. Doctor Nefario was looking for functionality, comfort and a little bit of flair. Finally, he chose the chic, but sensible goggles that you're holding in hot little hands. However, the Minion who Dr. Nefario is showing goggles to is asleep of boredom and falls out of the chair. Dr. Nefario simply shrugs. The video then reveals two Minions, each holding a hammer, manufacture a pair of Minion Goggles. Gru: [voice-over] We went them through the most restrained testing to ensure maximum quality and durability. The tall Minion examines the 3D-glasses before giving a thumbs-up. In response, the short Minion hit his friend's thumb with the hammer, smiling innocently. The video then goes over to a Minion wearing goggles being tested. Gru: [voice-over] We had to make sure that they could withstand any outside force. The Minion wearing goggles becomes hit by a laser beam harmless. Once covered in soot and ash, the Minion takes off the glasses and gives a thumbs up. The video now reveals a dozen minions, with one of them wearing goggles and standing on a mold. Gru: [voice-over] Oh, yes! The tall minion gets hit and groans, but another minion picks up the goggles and find out the goggles aren't broken, so the minions cheer. Gru: [voice-over] Those babies were built to last! Finally, the last shot reveals a tall Minion, also with goggles. There's a cactus next to the minion. Gru: [voice-over] You have Nefario's guarantee: the goggles will last five times longer... The Minion waves and exclaims until an explosion occurs. Gru: [voice-over] ...than the person wearing them. The blown up Minion reveals his pair of goggles to others nearby. The video ends, now revealing the Gru family; each member holds a pair of 3D-glasses in his/her hands. Gru: You must wear the goggles once you're seated in the Transformation Pods, but remember... A safety spiel shows two Minions holding goggles. One puts his on already and tries to walk around but totters. Gru: [voice-over] Do not put on the goggles until you're told to do so, or this could happen... The Minion hits a chemical reactor while the other (tall) minion laughs. Gru: [voice-over] I'm not saying this will happen,... Then the Minion hits the camera, still tottering. Gru: [voice-over] Just that it COULD happen,... He hits a rake and groans. Gru: [voice-over] ...and if it did, it would be funny... to me. The Minion accidentally presses a button on the ground, which causes several bombs to drops on him. A second later, a larger bomb hits the Minion, making the tall minion laugh. Gru: [voice-over] You'd be too busy getting hit by things to appreciate it. The second shot reveals two Minions standing in front of water. Gru: [voice-over] In the event of a water landing,... Once one of the Minions kicks the one wearing goggles into the water, the latter starts struggling. Gru: [voice-over] ...your goggles can be used a flotation device. The Minion's goggles suddenly inflate to keep him afloat. The plump Minion laughs until a large bomb drops on him. The third shot shows two Minions having dinner; one takes off the goggles off the one next to him and sprays some jalapeno on one of the lenses. Gru: [voice-over] However, at the event of a dinner party, goggles cannot be used to hold cheese and/or jalapeno dip. The Minion takes a chip and digests it after dipping, but soon his face turns red because he can't bear the acrid taste. Gru: [voice-over] Ever. The minion that is not eating start laughing at the other until he's sprayed with fire from the other minion's mouth. The former is covered with soot. Gru: [voice-over] It's gross. A fourth shot reveals a tall Minion wearing his goggles like a bra and strikes a pose. Another shows up and laughs at the former, before he reveals his goggles on his bottom. Gru: [voice-over] If you are unsure of how to put on the goggles, ask a lab assistant. But come on... who doesn't know how to put these things on? A final shot shows a one-eyed Minion trying to dons a pair of goggles. But once realizing he can't, the Minion starts to cry until a possibly five-eyed Minion approaches. Gru: [voice-over] If your number of eyes does not match the number of lenses, please tell a lab assistant. We have Minion Goggles for every ocular variety. The assistant gives the Minion a pair of Minion Goggles designed like a monocle. Proud of his model, the Minion, overjoyed, hugs the assistant, much to his astonishment. Gru: [voice-over] Enjoy your Minion Goggles, future-Minions! The safety spiel ends, now revealing the Gru family. Gru: Okay! Got all that? Good! Do as I say, heed my words, or pay the price! Margo: And have fun! Edith: [in a deep voice] It's gonna be great! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! Agnes: [pulling Gru's mouth] Come on! Smile, Gru! The girls pull Gru's mouth to make him look like he is smiling. Gru: [sighs] I hate smiling. The video ends, now revealing Gru's logo onscreen. Announcer: [voice-over] This a motion simulator involving sudden and extreme movement. Expectant mothers and individuals with heart, back or neck conditions, abnormal blood pressure, or those prone to motion sickness or dizziness are advised not to ride this attraction. For your safety, please remain seated, hold on to the lap restrain and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Please supervise children to ensure everyone has the right seat. Children may not sit on lap. Secure all loose items. Finally, the use of still or video cameras is not permitted. The doors that lead to the Minionisation Prep Room open. Gru: [voice-over] All right, future-Minions. I hope you finally enjoy my pre-recorded message. Let's how well you take direction! Come meet me in the Minionisation Prep Room so we can all get started. Please stay in your row and move forward, feeling in all the available space in front of you, and so help me. Do not put on your Minion Goggles yet. Don't delay! This is going to be really fun... for me. You all will be great Minions, I can tell. You want to know who is my favorite Minion? You are! Well, you soon will be. Remember: no goggles yet. You don't want to test me on this one, believe me!
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