| Hcomment
| - This is your first article? Do NOT expect a glowing review, as 99% of first articles are crap. I mean, have you read my first article? It totally sucked. Did you ever see my article Contraption? Deleted in 2 days. But, that's the great part about PR: Pee Review is for tearing down egos and rebuilding articles. I did not submit either of those articles, and now nobody looks at them. In other words, your score will look HORRIBLE, but keep writing: an idea will come to you. Anyway, avg of each... "section"? "part"?
*FUNNY/intro [5]: Likes: The certificate & the orange joke @ the beginning, plus "Do you want me to stop using cliched puns?"
** ... ... ... ... that's annoying! I would say once in an article is more than enough . Specific complaints:
** You say introducing way too much in there. Whether it's part of the joke or not, it's merely irritating
** Richie McRich? You should probably make that more like a real name instead of a cliché. Try "The Money Foundation" or "The Money Making Foundation of Tijuana" or something.
*FUNNY/Marketing [4]: Love the weird spam king picture. Also, the line "Cause you're trying to get rich quickly, not get poor slowly." was pretty good, actually.
** Bill Gates joke fell flat because the reader could, with a very flat expression, deliver the comeback, "yes, I've heard of Bill Gates." O____O <- flat expression.
** You say "rich" too much. Instead of just saying "rich", describe how rich Richy McRich is . Does he own his own yacht? A super-yacht? A space-yacht? A mansion-yacht?
** "and as Monty Python always says, "NOBODY EXPECTS YOUR EXTREMELY REASONABLE DEALS"." Nobody expects Monty Python jokes! Get rid of all clichés in this article, except for that one joke that says it's a cliché in the intro: That was good.
*FUNNY/Financial Advice [3]: liked: "Make us you Rich Foundation". Get rid of the Richy Rich joke and replace with this. This section's jokes are covered over by bad grammar. I know you're a good writer, so get down and rewrite this. I can only cover so much for you in Prose/Formatting.
*FUNNY/Real Estate [2]:
** "we recommend you invest all you have into this market," obvious parody jokes like this are too obvious. Break the "obviousness" around a little so that we have time to get used to it. For example, instead of saying "all you have", try saying "invest 50% of everything you own two times". It's slightly funnier because it doesn't hit the reader all at once.
** "Everyone recommends that you should invest in multiple markets, from California to Arizona to Orlando, they all have one thing that makes them worth investing in. FANCY HOUSES!!!," why are you mentioning all those states? Why do you have so many exclamation points? Exclamation points are dumb, because you get your point across after only ONE. ONLY ONE.
*FUNNY/100% accurate testimonials [n/a]:
**
** no no no. Get rid of all the quotes. Get rid of this entire section. It's extremely annoying to me.
|
![[RDF Data]](/fct/images/sw-rdf-blue.png)