| abstract
| - Here at UHS we know that the best cure is understanding, despite what the text-books say. We know you'd much rather have an attractive, well endowed doctor/nurse lean over you and pretend to check your heart beat than have life saving surgery to remove that damn lump on your back. So we think it is most important that you know a bit about the people who work here; from the illegal Mexican cleaners to the nicotine addicted midwives. This month we are profiling the mysterious Evil professor/obstetrician, Dr Moriati. Yes ladies he's single and has a thing for neck bolts. Age: 49 Any partners? There was a zombie once.. but things just didn't work out. There is Igor, but I'd call that more a Crazy scientist - brainless slave kind of relationship. Hobbies? Making hideous monsters, plotting to take over the world, topiary classes... nothing really. Why did you join UHS? The hospital is a great place to gather pieces for my latest projects, plus all those huge electro-magnetic machines turn me on. Previous jobs? Well I was head Professor at Harvard until I was thrown out for creating a 50-foot-tall robot. Don't spend the budget on that crazy robot, they said. Stop crushing Philadelphia, they said. Well I will get my revenge!! Yeah, it was fine. Do you enjoy working for the UHS? Yes, birthing babies is almost as good as creating life out of body parts. I get a real rush from shouting "Look at what I have created!!!" every time a baby is born. What will you do when you retire? I don't really know.. um.. make a few death rays, move to Florida... I'm getting my pension paid out in corpses so I'll figure something out. What's New? Here at the UHS we are committed to making your stay as enjoyable as possible, our innovations department is constantly devising ways for you to make the best of your stay - An infinite number of metaphorical monkeys on an infinite number of thermometers all infinitely committed to solving your infinite problems. Infinitely. Are you just too busy to get that tumor removed? Got to finish those accounts no matter what? Well we are proud to announce our special service for the modern working type. With DIY heart surgery podcasts and no-fuss SMS diagnosis - ur sik w/genitl wrts, may hv 2 amput8 - this is just perfect for those just too busy to care about their health! Aged Care Every pensioner should have detailed information about how the UHS works – not least because a senior’s topics of conversation typically revolve around appalling medical conditions, and how many of their friends have recently died just to spite them. Indeed, when not holidaying in dismal seaside towns or helping out at the equally dismal local charity shop, most seniors enjoy nothing better than a cheery day in a hospital discussing their rheumatoid arthritis and rare bowel movements with a complete stranger, shortly followed by a consultation with the doctor. That is why, along with extending the pensioners ward, UHS will provide a dummy next to every bed so the old dears can complain about their imploded bowel to their hearts content. That is just how much we care. Online Diagnosis Here at the UHS we are already criminally overcrowded so we don't need you coming in here with a small complaint like a runny nose or chest pains. That is why, along with several eminent MIT professors, we have compiled a list of simple medical conditions that you may be suffering from. UHS Application for Hospital Visit - Personal - Name _______________________ Gender - M / F - (Yes, the doctors will undress you and poke fun at your genitals, but for some people they just cant tell...) PIN Number _______________________ (Oh how silly of me, the doctors will just steal you wallet while you're under.) - Reminder - If you take any medications, please bring them in so the more junior doctors can experiment with them in the laboratory, or as we like to call it, toilet. Stimulants are most appreciated. - Preferences - What would you like to eat? - Grey slop / Grey slop / Grey slop (If the doctors want to sleep with you they may get you something better.) Would you like to be resuscitated after the pie? Yes __ No __ (If you couldn't take the pie, I wouldn't try the dessert.) Would you like to try the executive service? Yes, Vodka through an IV is my idea of heaven __ No, toilet water is fine for me __ How often would you like your room cleaned? Once a Week __ Never, the cockroaches really grow on you __ What would you like the doctor to tell your family if they leave medical equipment in you? "Oh thats the.. um.. scissor bone." __ "It was like that when he came in here" __ "How does free hospital for a month sound?" __ Please sign this declaration: I declare that I am legally unwell, and consent to being patronized and violated in the spirit of impersonal scientific discovery. I also do not mind if my internal organ/s are sold to a wealthy Chinese businessman for a tidy profit. ____________________________ Legal File:Ninjastar.png eo:hospitalo ja:病院 zh:医院
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