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| - Announcer: Beyond Insemination! The show hosted by two time Southwestern Tractor Pulling finalist, amateur rodeo star and animal husbandry innovator and expert - Duane Earl! Duane: Alright, alright. We're back with another episode of Beyond Insemination! Welcome one, welcome all. You're listening to a show about BBQ, britches, mud bogging and bitches! Your weekly journey into semen, soil dust and savoring the good things in life. Life, death and the reproductive services, down to the farm. Okay, okay! Let's get some music playing here. Jesus, assault rock! I need some assault rock! Hell yes! You know, sometimes I just want a woman to hit me, treat me like the man I am - a piece of angry garbage, and then when we're done fighting, I'll hop on a motorcycle and I will pop a wheelie right there in the driveway. Just burn out, skid all over the goddamn place, hell yes! She'll stand there crying, and she'll forgive me! We'll have another baby, and she'll make the breakfast. That's the stuff that makes us great. Grills, girls and grits. Alright, the phones are already lit up here... You people just can't wait to get stuck in. Let's go to Line 4. Mr. Chuck, you're on the show. How can we go beyond insemination... together? Chuck: Yeah... Hey, Duane! I'm a big fan of the show, by the way... But a first time caller, heh. I wanted to thank you for your bass fishing advice. You know, you're right - dynamite is much easier than all that sitting around with a pole, going mad, staring at them tiny ripples... Wondering if everyone really hates you, you know what I'm saying? Anyways, I'm calling about the kids these days and the way they dress. Oh man! My boy? He wears a skirt. Got breast implants, wears a little lip gloss... What do you think, Duane? I don't think that's right. Duane: Thanks, Chuck. I'm with you. I mean, platonically speaking, of course. I've about had it with gender fluidity. For reals. Seriously. For reals. Seriously. Men is men and girls is ladies and there ain't no point in telling me different. I mean it's getting to where boys have bigger titties than a woman! I know I do. That's gotta stop. I'll tell you what really sets me off, ho ho ho, let me tell you. Me and the boys, we're having a great afternoon - couple of cases of Logger Light, some steaks on the grill, jumping on 4-wheelers and shooting assault rifles and trampolines and wrestling in a muddy hole with their tops off, you know, typical good-time shit. Now at the corner of my periphery, I see these fruity fellas riding bicycles. City boys, coming out to the country with their brightly-colored jerseys and fruity hats and tight shorts. I don't want to see your Johnson! We ain't friends! And they ride bicycles with tap shoes on! Fucking tap shoes! Just in case they need to jump off and sing a show tune. What the hell is that all about? Well I ain't a whistling dixie, I can tell you that, because nobody likes a whistler. Creepy bastards. Whistlers. Ugh! Next caller! Inseminate me! No, no, no. That's wrong. Speaketh to me. Mike: Uhh... Hey there, Duane. My name's Mike, a big fan. Big fan! Duane: I do not care about no names, boy. You stick your business and I'll do the pontificating, sir. Mike: Uhh, yeah. Anyways, my kid is real good at sports, at football and that. I think he's going to get a scholarship. He hits real good, real good, I won one of then packets you hear about them picking up north. But my wife won't let him play because his grades are low, and on the account of him getting his girlfriend pregnant. Him, I mean not my wife, my wife can't get pregnant no more. Uterus is ravaged like the projects. Anyway, I need that boy to make a lot of money by going pro so I can get a new bass boat! What am I gonna do, Duane? I can't stop crying. Duane: Brother, I share your pain. Let it go, let those tears go, let them all flow out your eyeballs down to your cheeks. I love you, my brother. I love you. You're better than this. You are better than this, sir. Reach deep inside to yourself and just pinch it off. Don't you die on me. Don't you die on me! Now, that's enough. My friend, your woman has already gone feral. I was a fifth-grade soccer coach once, do not ask. It was a bad time of my life. I know. I know. And you're right - it's not even a real goddamn sport. No one ever got that brain damage, but I did my best. Yes I did. It was hard, but we made some progress. I taught those kids to be number one, what it takes to get to the top - what steroids to take. I gave them them the same I gave my beef herd. Had to gamble on sports, had to snap one of the kids' calcaneus for hiding behind the referee's back so he never walks right again - stuff winners got to do to get the job done - how to cover up the smell of marijuana by blowing through a toilet paper roll with drawer shit stuff inside, and how to leave a woman. I taught to each of those kids the facts of life and about how it is never about that woman's pleasure. Never, absolutely never about that woman's pleasure. Parents won't tell you the truth, but a man with the beer in his hand will. And the fact is - you do whatever it takes to win. If that wife of yours don't want to understand, don't want to let the boy play some goddamn football - then she's got to go, Mike. Mike, are you with me? You there, son? Mike: I'm here, Duane. Duane: Hear the words that I'm saying. She's got to go, Mike! Mike: I know, Duane. I'll speak to a lawyer. Duane: Lawyer, huh? Fancy talk. I recommend drowning, Mike. Real men don't use lawyers. Show your boy what it means to be a man - press her under the surface of the fluids. Mike, please! Mike: Okay. Love the show, thanks. Duane: Thank you, son. Now we call this show "Beyond Insemination" because it's about what men like to do besides working on the farm. It's about what we were meant to do - man against nature! I'm highly skilled at the art of noodling in a beaver dam - I do not like the animals that consider themselves engineers. I like plant-eating herbivores you can fatten up, give a loving name to, then carelessly kill and cook like a civilized man. Back to beavers - I once stuck my arm in a dam, and four or five of them... an entire family, in fact, of beavers bit into my arm! I had every last one of them on the grill that night and a couple of new hats. He-he-he. For the record, I also do not like fire ants as it is unreasonable to have a social structure of a bunch of neutered men acting as slaves for a woman. Outside of a modern city, of course, where it appears to be mandatory. They call them places "offices". I will not sit in a cubicle like a veal or calf while a woman shouts at me about making personal calls until I die! Caller, you're on the show. To who am I speaking? Charlie: Hey there, Duane! Uh, the name's Charlie. Hope all's going well with your divorce! Duane: No, amigo, it is in fact crappy as crappy could be. As I said, avoid lawyers at all costs. Now continue. Charlie: Well, yeah, my best friend died in a combine accident and he left me a few heads of cattle, but I ain't no farmer! So the question is: how do I know if a female cow is in heat? They don't talk, or nothing - they just moo! Duane: Oh, Charlie, that's simple. You have come to the right place as I am an expert on estrus. What you've got to do is to look for behavioural signs such as excessive mooing, but most of all, she will exhibit more vigorous interaction with other females - putting her chin on the rump of another cow... Charlie: Uh, uh, oh yeah... Keep going! Tell me about it, dirty heifer... Duane: Goddamnit. You're sitting there with a hot laptop on your sweaty thighs, doing image search for heifers, aren't you? Jesus... I'm tired of you sickos calling up and ruining my otherwise flawless broadcasting flow! This is a civilized show for civilized people, discussing a variety of topics relating and beyond insemination! Why, oh why does this subject matter attract such a variety of perverts, creeps and weirdos?! It is quite beyond me. Now, don't get me wrong, I mean, I like a good time - I've been known to participate in a pheromone party, where you do not shave or bathe for one week and then take in moonshine and speed with a group of like-minded individuals in a hot tub. It is hell on the other side of that party, but it is worth the ride! But that does not mean I find calling up a radio program with the sole intent of pleasuring myself while traversing the information superhighway an acceptable form of behavior! Is that clear? Charlie, you pervert, is that clear?! Charlie: Yes. Duane: Are we straight, son?! Charlie: Yes, sir. Duane: Good. Now you take care, you hear? Charlie: Thank you, sir. Duane: I am lost for words. Next caller. Susan: Hi there, Duane! My name is Susan. I'm calling from Sandy Shores. I really liked what you said about how animals have babies and then they abandon them, and then they go find another mate. Oh, that just touched me. That made me cry! That reminded me even when I left little Mary Sue outside that Up-n-Atom restaurant. I was tired of all her crying and carrying on anyway because I was hooked up with a guy I just met named Francis! Duane: Oh, well, good on you, Susan, though I am not a fan of names that can apply to a man or a woman. Unisexery has neutered our society! No man should be named Francis or Alex or Jamie, or god forbid Casey. But anyway, I'm so glad we inspired you. That's some evolved thinking right there. See, we do believe in evolution in the right situation. For the record, not me, nor no one in my family was ever a monkey, nor have they been with a monkey, not ever, not even at the zoo! Nor pretty much any animal aside from usual ones we all do practice on. Science and truth can exist together, you see? You can learn a lot from nature. You know how a Momma puppy cleans up after their litter by eating their waste? My momma ate all her boys poop till we were five! It was unconventional, but it sure made us the people we are today. Social services said this has something to do with the lab where my Daddy had been cooking up Toilet Cleaner, but I would disagree ferociously! I would even go as far as to challenge you to a knife fight! You want to come and talk some shit like that - we will tie our wrists together and solve this in the time-honored way. That's my Momma you're speaking about! You take that back, you hear me? That's my Momma! Get off my phone and get off my show! Disrespecting a man's Momma like that... Now then, changing tack for one special moment - well, we all know that part of being a man is heeding the call of nature to kill it and serve it grilled to members of your family and/or tribe. I've been hunting since I was a small boy and I can, in fact, track more than 16 different species of ruminant animal, while your all perceptory senses have been dulled as hell by so-called civilization. In nature, all they got is smell. I even know how to simulate the odor of other species - I rub the pheromones all over my member, trust me! When you have a young fawn that experiences the first adolescent flush of sexual awakening run out the woods filled with a yearning it scarcely understands - well, it really is something special when you grab it by the neck and strangle the life out of it. As its terrified eyes look up at you, it suddenly realizes: "Hey, you ain't my Mom, and you sure as shit ain't some young stag here to educate me about the birds and the bees!". And in this way, you two really share special moments - fear takes hold of its central nervous system and you put the creature out of its misery. You ever had deer sushi? Little rice and wasabi and some fine loin meat. I served it on top of my stepdaugther just like they do in Asia. I am particularly interested in visiting Asia. I've always been kind to the Asiatic cultures, I've always enjoyed them - the kung fu, martial arts, and fucking throwing stars. I'd really love to see Thailand, though. Somebody say ping-pong? He-he-he. Just saying, not judging. Ain't my way! Johnny, you are on the show! How can we inseminate you? Johnny: Hey there, Duane! Big fan, love the show. I love that it is educational and funny. You know what - if you have been one of my teachers, I'd spend longer in school. I'd learn something useful. As it is, I'm a trucker on the weekends. Duane: Oh really? Whatcha haulin', Johnny? Johnny: Uhh, pollution. From that big leak that hushed up. Pay's triple and I need the money. Anyways, my boy's serving overseas. Duane: Oh, Marines? Johnny: Nah. Duane: Navy? Johnny: No, he's serving his sentence overseas in Burma. Those bastards put him away for being an entrepeneur! He's a patriot! He got in trouble here in Blaine County, and then hell... He went and outsourced himself. Duane: There we go. See, that is an enlightening and instructive tale about the danger of excessive travel. Multiculturalism is heathen-ism! If God wanted us to co-mingle, he would have invented the land of opportunity where we could migrate and create a glorious monoculture. But that ain't happening 'cause it ain't right! I will think of your boy when I am down on one knee tonight, practicing karate. I practice it every night in case I come across a run down roadside bar in a corrupt small town that needs a booker for a bouncer. Just like in the movies. Now let us talk about "school". I learned everything I need to know about life and everything beyond insemination by working outside with my hands. Now, I would not propose that you should therefore abscond from the American education system, but let's be honest - book learning ain't never done no one any favors. You know, the other day when I was shearing sheep, I had a young ewe pinned to the ground. Falling in terror, I took the wool clean off it. And I began to wander and drift and daydream beyond the depilatory task related to this quadropedal ruminant. I began to think about children. It is a scary world that we are bringing children into through the machinations of our loins. We've pledged to protect them, but at times the demonstration of force is undubitably necessary, as is often the case with your mate. My Daddy once got so mad at me for backtalking that he pushed my head down on a table saw. Scared the crap out of me! Once the scars healed, I thanked him afterwards, because it made me into the man I am today - a man with 5 four-wheelers, 3 personal watercrafts including a bass boat, a fine collection of weaponry, a fish tank as big as car in my bedroom, nothing but black sheets on my bed and a pull chain next to my mattress that summons a man servant to bring me another Logger Light. That what success and a good work ethic can get you. And of course, a top rated, nationally syndicated multi-award-winning radio show, speaking of which - this has been Beyond Insemination. We didn't get to this weekend's romantic interlude with Big Duane, but trust me, we will. Be good, cook until it hurts and fight artificial insemination as it is unnatural and blasphemy! Until next time, I'm Duane Earl and you are not. Announcer: This has been Beyond Insemination. You have been inseminated!
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